Thank you so much for the kind reviews thus far! Much-appreciated! This idea has been bugging me for a while, so I shall now post it. Hope you enjoy it!

Note: Set in Mildred & Co.'s Fourth Year

Chapter 11:

Letters

'Egbert Hellibore thought wizards were better than witches in every way. Miss Cackle said no. She said that women can cook better than men. He said no. Then she suggested a competition. He said fine. Both meals were inedible and the teachers, along with a few students, went out for a meal together. The End,' Davina wrote in her diary.

"My prose is really coming along!" she beamed, clapping her hands together.

The entire staff of Cackle's Academy (including the catering and caretaking staff), along with Mildred & Co., Charlie, Fenella and Griselda, Ethel and Drusilla were seated at a huge round table, seated with Egbert Hellibore, Algernon Rowan Webb, Baz, Gaz and Merlin.

"Mildred," began Maud, "we don't mean to tease you or anything, but we just want an honest answer. Do you like Merlin?"

"No!" Mildred exclaimed.

"We know you do!" snapped Enid.

"We were just thinking if you told him … that it mightn't be a bad thing …" Maud smiled.

"Well I can't tell him because I would have to feel something first, wouldn't I?"

"Look Millie, I've written out a letter that you could sent him. He just couldn't refuse you with this."

"Give me that!" Mildred snapped, leaning over Jadu to get to her.

"Quick, Grizz, take it!" Enid giggled, quickly tossing it to Griselda.

"What is the meaning of this!?" Constance ordered, halting the fight.

"I want that letter, Miss Hardbroom!"

"What letter?"

"Mildred's love letter to Merlin, Miss!" Enid beamed.

"It's not! She wrote it!"

"Don't bother trying to get out of it now, Mildred. Give me that letter."

Griselda placed the said letter into her outstretched hand.

"This behaviour is appalling! And I will not have you behaving in such a way in front of the Chief Wizard! I shall inform him of your paramour, Mildred Hubble."

"Oh no!" Mildred moaned, face in hands.

"Can't be that bad," Maud assured her, then turning to Enid, "can it?"

"This is something I think you should see," she said to Egbert, handing him the note.

"What's that?" Algernon beamed, as Constance took her seat.

"A letter from Hardbroom," he replied as he opened it.

Dear Sexy-Hunky Spunk-Muffin,

I think you are simply gorgeous! Your ears aren't the only big thing of yours I want to see tonight! When the dinner is finished, I don't want dessert - I want you! Please bring ice-cream so that I may lick it off of your face.

Yours Always,

Sex Kitten.

"Are you alright, Egbert?" enquired Algernon, "you seem a little pale."

"Give me a pen…"

"Why?"

"Give me a pen, Goddammit!"

He handed him what he wished and the man started writing with precision.

"Waitress?" he called, and the lady arrived.

"Would you please give this to the third person to the right?" he pointed in that general direction.

"Of course!"

"What is that matter with you, Constance? You look quite grave."

"I smell bat repellent," she whispered.

"Who would have-?"

"Mistress Broomhead!" she exclaimed, diving underneath the table.

The waitress looked around and the third person from the right (with Constance's absence) was Frank.

"Who sent this?" enquired Frank.

"The one with the white hair."

"Can you feel something brushing against your legs, Algie?"

"I dare say I can, Egbert."

They both bent down to look underneath the table.

Only Miss Cackle had white hair.

"Wonder why Miss Cackle sent me a note," mused Frank, opening it.

Dear Sex Kitten,

I've been waiting for this day for so long! I knew that you only stayed in the Academy for our occasional meetings. I've seen the way you look at me. You love me! I really can't blame you. I would be honoured for you to lick my face tonight. I cannot wait for it! I was wondering if I should wear a shorter dress - so that you may enjoy my long, masculine, hairy legs. Let me know what you think!

Hot Regards,

Sexual Coffee

"That is well-bad!" laughed Frank.

"What is it?" Charlie enquired.

"Give me a pen, Charlie."

"Mistress Broomhead!" beamed Amelia, standing up and shaking her hand. "It is a pleasure! How would you like to join us?"

"I suppose if I must. It would save me wasting tyme (not a typo! It's phonetic!) looking for another table."

She sat down. "Where's Constance?"

"Currently indisposed, Mistress Broomhead."

"Waiter?" called Frank, "could you please give this to the lady at the other side of the table?"

He arrived at the other side of the table and was torn between giving it to Imogen or Amelia. He went with Imogen.

"Letter, Miss."

"Thank you."

Dear Sexual Coffee,

There is nothing that I would like more than to lick your irresistible face. I was rather thinking you could wear no skirt tonight, and maybe just wear some edible underwear for good measure. I love hairy legs, so I would especially love yours. Meet me in the ladies at half past five and we'll get it together.

Yours Always,

Kinky Bitch.

"Excuse me, waiter? Who sent the note?"

"Le person over there, Madame," he smiled, leaving.

She looked over and saw that Constance had just gotten out from under the table. Embarrassed, Constance raised her glass courteously. Imogen retorted.

"Finally!" she beamed, grabbing a pen and writing a quick note.

"Algernon, will you pass this to Miss Hardbroom, please?"

"Yes, Miss Drill. Gaz, would you mind passing this to Miss Hardbroom?"

He shrugged his shoulders, then passing it discreetly to Constance.

"Letter from Rowan Webb, Miss."

Dear Kinky Bitch,

I look forward to meeting you in the ladies tonight. I think it is time I told you that I have wanted you since I first set my eyes upon you. I thought you were beautiful and I still do - you scare me, however. Still, I find it riveting. I'm not into 'that type of thing' but I wouldn't object to handcuffs.

Yours Lovingly,

Basketball Face.

Constance snapped her gaze to Algernon, who cast her a warm smile.

"Of all the nerve," Constance muttered angrily under her breath. She wasted no time in chucking the note into the bin.

"Hardbroom looks pretty pissed," Griselda whispered.

"It might have something to do with that letter," Fenella suggested, pointing at the bin. Discreetly, the both slipped away from the table and read the said note.

"Who on earth sent that?!"

"Miss Drill, I think. Who else would call themselves basketball face? Maybe we should write back," Griselda grinned.

"I like how you think, Griselda, I like how you think."

They both composed a note together and resumed their seats.

"Oh, oh. Broomhead's watching."

"So? Just chuck it over to Miss Drill."

"Fine, three, two, one," and she threw it.

However, Amelia reached out for the prawn cracker bowl at the same time, and it rebounded from her arm right in front of Mistress Broomhead. Oh dear!

"A note?" Heckety said to herself, putting on her reading glasses.

Dear Kink-Faced Whore,

I think you are too sexy for my cat! It's been many a night that I've been watching you in your bedroom. Voyeurism is my favourite hobby, y'know! That time you thought you heard a bat when you were in the shower, was actually me watching you. I think you have a lovely nose. You have the kind of nose that I would like to rub off of mine. I cannot wait for us to make a more casual meeting, because I would like to bounce your balls with you. I will love you forever and want you forever,

Yours,

Hardbroom Shake-Shakes your room!

Heckety slowly glared up at Constance. If looks could kill, she would have been served for dessert. Constance shuddered upon the glance and smiled awkwardly.

"How do you do, Mistress Broomhead?"

"Do what?! I will not be doing anything with you, Constance Hardbroom! It would not only be a waste of tyme, but an absolute disgrace! And for your information, I do not have balls of any description! And I had nightmares over that bat, you bat-faced little scutt! Ugh!" and she dematerialised.

Constance looked grave.

"Constance?" began Amelia.

"I have no idea…" she stuttered.

"Oh is that the time!?" Imogen exclaimed, "half-five?! I must be using the ladies!" she practically shouted, running for her life.

Constance watched as Algernon giggled merrily.

"Oh, do shut up, you pervert!"

If only we could all live in a slapstick world! I had so much fun writing this, that I will post other letter ones in the future of similar layout, if you'd like to see more. Hope you enjoyed! Cheers!