"Don't get mad when someone cares too much about you. In fact, you should start to worry if they don't care at all." - Kanda
"When I fight with you, I'm really fighting for us. Because if I didn't care, I wouldn't bother." - Allen
"Care too little, you will lose them. Care too much and you will get hurt." - Both
Why? That was all Kanda could think. Why?
Allen Walker. The kind albeit annoying and occasionally hot tempered man who had been stalking (Kanda would rather lose a thumb than admit that he really didn't think about it that way) him recently. Despite the easy irritation and reluctantly hot temper the man seemed to house, he never seemed the violent type.
That really only left two options. One: He had misjudged Walker, a prospect that Kanda and his pride refused to consider. Two: The man had been consumed by righteous anger that Kanda had been attacked (whether that was because of Walker's apparent crush on him or the fact that he was responsible for the man during the outing remained to be seen). That option introduced a whole new level of irritation. It was irritating because Kanda didn't know how to feel about it.
It was the same thing that often happened with his father, now that he thought about it. His father had always been showering him with love and affection and constant worries about his health and safety. It had always annoyed him and, at times, made him incredibly uncomfortable.
He didn't have any friends or anyone (besides that Lenalee Lee) that he even saw that often. Kanda had, despite his father's constant presence, gotten used to few actually caring about his welfare. This made his father's attentions even more jarring and unwelcome. The concern didn't make Kanda feel any better, it just made him feel like there was a hole opening up in his chest he didn't want.
His attempts to get away from that came in the form of running away from or lashing out at the source of that feeling; his father. Now, he had another source that he had no idea how to deal with. Allen Walker was not like his father, he did not take hostility past a certain point nor did he back down or leave when Kanda made it apparent that he wanted him to. If anything, the man increased their interactions. Why? Kanda didn't know.
He had never had to deal with someone like this Allen Walker before. He had made it a point to pursue Kanda from the moment they'd met. He never wavered (except when they argued) and he never left Kanda alone. Why? Why couldn't he? Why couldn't he leave when things got tough like everybody else? With these thoughts, Kanda wrenched his arm out of Walker's hold. Surprised by this, Walker spun around to look at him.
"Kanda?" The startled voice asked.
"Leave." Kanda said under his breathe and just above a whisper.
"What?" Allen asked, unable to hear him.
"Just leave." Kanda said, louder.
This time, Allen did hear. "What are you saying, Kanda?" He asked, still confused.
"Stop being so familiar with me!" Kanda snapped. "I didn't ask you to follow me around or take me out shopping or defend me from anyone! You think you know me, but you don't know anything! Just leave me alone! I don't need you!"
Allen was frozen for a long moment in shock, unable to wrap his head around what is companion was saying. Another abrupt emotional shift from Kanda, Allen could feel the pounding waves of anger emanating from the seething blind man. Anger that far too quickly became his own.
"What? So I'm the problem?!" Allen barked out, having finally snapped. "What about you? You're the one who has been a complete pill since we met! Anything I did or said has earned nothing but scathing resentment. What's happening here, anyway? I thought our relationship was getting better!"
"'Better'? Like I was warming up to you?" Kanda snorted derisively, even though he knew that that was exactly what had been happening.
For whatever reason, he was on the warpath at the moment and wasn't about to let things like truth and logic intervene; not now. Not after spending all that time with Walker, becoming more and more uncertain of himself as the time passed. He needed release; some way to get these swirling thoughts to leave him alone.
"At most, I tolerate you." Kanda snapped at the other man. A statement, which may have been true when they'd first met, was now no longer accurate. Ever since they'd met, Walker had been working their relationship, drawing them closer. Fondness was a slow-acting poison. What infuriated Kanda the most was that it was working.
However, this last comment Kanda made in anger seemed to be the last straw for the other man. "You? You have been tolerating me?" Allen ground out, his voice slowly rising into a yell. "Take a step back and think about how you behave! You push everyone away, even when they really care about you! Even now, you're pushing me away and I have no idea what I did to piss you off this time!"
Allen thought (probably from the numerous psychology classes that he and his "friends" took) that Kanda might just be lashing out because he was feeling stressed and frustrated, but he found he couldn't force himself to calm down and care about that at the moment. It was so infuriating to deal with the man and his nasty mood swings and hate-filled words.
Though Allen didn't hate Kanda for the way he'd been treating him, but he felt that Kanda needed to be taken down a few pegs (for lack of a better term). If this was how Kanda treated everyone (and from what Allen had seen, it was), then there was no wonder why he was always so alone. No one would want to subject themselves to that . . . unless they were Allen Walker.
Allen persistent and Lenalee was an intriguing mixture of friendliness and not taking crap from anyone so they could probably stick it out with him regardless how he acts. For the moment, they were the closest things to friends Kanda had, but he simply couldn't go around acting like that to everyone.
"If that's the way you feel, then why don't you just leave me?" Kanda snapped out, near hysterics.
"Because I want to be the one to make you happy!" Allen snapped back, in turn.
A heavy silence quickly descended with whatever Kanda had planned on saying stopped in its tracks and Allen wondering why Kanda had stopped. Peering up at Kanda after a little bit, Allen saw that he had the most shocked look on his face. His eyes were near bugging out, wide as can be, and his mouth hanging more-than-slightly open.
Before Allen could figure out what to say next, Kanda had spun around and taken off down the street. Allen couldn't force himself to give chase and just stood in place, watching somewhat in shock as Kanda fled from him.
A light growl and fingers drumming restlessly echoed in the abandoned library. The small sounds were the only sign that the lone figure in the room was agitated. Tokusa had stayed late at the campus library for further study and plotting, so late that he now had the expansive selection to himself.
So what could he be plotting? He was the leader of a group; his group of friends, as it were. Being the leader, it was his job to keep them all together. He was the leader; the mediator; the ideas person.
When the group argued because everyone wanted to do something different with a particular afternoon or were simply bored with no idea of what to do, it was he who came up with plans and made the best decision that everyone could live with and enjoy. If the group was fighting over some petty issue, either Tokusa or Allen would step in and resolve it. Yet, he was the one who lead and the others were happy to follow. He was the leader, tasked with keeping the group together under his watch and they were in danger of a member breaking away. And that was where his current problem lied; with Allen.
Allen was really the only member of the group that was his equal in the group hierarchy. While the members of their group all shared many of the same qualities, such as being overachievers, Allen and he had the most in common. The white haired man had a definite leader quality about him combined with a take-charge attitude.
Most importantly, he was independant. That was a personality trait that none of the other members really had besides Tokusa. They were all very much dependent of the presence of the group and all of its members to keep them stable. Like a clingy child needing the presence of their parents to not have an emotional meltdown, they needed it.
Tokus remembered how they were before he brought them together. Tewaku, just as every other group member, had recessed into herself at the time when most children socially flourished. She was the very definition of a loner by the time she reached middle school.
While she was not technically a nerd, as the definition goes, she always did the homework she was given early and to perfection. She never interacted with her peers or even the teachers more than she had to. She was introverted towards people she didn't know very well, of course, but it couldn't have helped that the other students never took well to her unabashed intelligence.
Tokusa didn't know much about it, whether their problem came from a place of jealousy, or uncomfortableness, or Tewaku's inadvertent coldness towards others. Because, for such an upbeat and involved member of their group, she apparently did a 180 without them, becoming cold and distant. He supposed it didn't matter, though, why the sometimes surprisingly intelligent Tewaku didn't get on with her peers; just that she didn't.
It was her mix of intelligence and social isolation in school that drove their dear Tewaku to join their little group when she came to their high school. She was especially interested when she learned that they enjoyed overachieving as she did and would tolerate and even encourage her habits. The others, including Allen, had already come together to create their group before Tewaku showed up. The years since their high school days
His precious group. He brought them together and kept them together. They thrive under his watch and, without him, the group wouldn't be able to function. He'd sunk so much time and effort into it, too much to let it all fall apart now. As long as no one left, the group stayed strong. Yet, Tokusa was sincerely worried about the wellbeing of the group and all because of Allen Walker.
Allen had been growing distant from the group for some time now. At first, it was such a slight and subtle change that Tokusa didn't notice and, even when he did, the significance of the change eluded him. It took an (in Tokusa's admittedly perfectionist mind) unacceptable amount of time after his initial notice of the changes in Allen to fully understand that he was truly drifting away from them.
The others, being their usual socially illiterate selves, still haven't noticed the invisible wall their white haired friend had erected between them and him. He kept up a sort of friendly and open act in front of them (probably trying to hide it), but his own behavior alluded to it in its own way. He had an easier time of getting irritated in or by their presence, though he hid that well, too. He went from spending every weekend shopping or otherwise hanging out with the group to avoiding them at all costs.
Oh, sure, he blames it on work taking up more of his time. That would be a very valid excuse except for the fact that Tokusa was certain that it was a load of bull. Allen used his work as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities to the group, he was sure of it. He might not have even been working when he said he was.
A few times (very infrequently, really), he had lead the rest of their group to that boring store to check up on their wayward member just to make sure he was really there . . . working. He was, but maybe Tokusa just chose to go on a day he was telling the truth. That also didn't rule out the idea that Allen might be scheduling his shifts at times when he knew the group usually got together. That conclusion was very likely.
It was strange how this member's work never used to get in the way of their social lives before. Before he began to change, at least. On the subject of changes, what was with that charity case he was with the other day? He understood the need to look good to others (especially their teachers), but surely if eh wanted to do volunteer work to make himself look better, he could do it at the animal shelter; no need to burden himself with a whole human being.
Allen did have a habit of doing things the hard way, but it just didn't make sense to him. The fact that Allen had done this without telling the group shocked Tokusa and lead (forced) him to reconsider just how much distance Allen had been putting between them. Before that particular realization, Tokusa assumed that all Allen would need to stop his unreasonable behavior was a simple but firm push in the right direction.
Now, he knew that more effort on his part would be required and soon before Allen slipped too far away . . . as he seemed close to doing. Tokusa also recalled that it was because of this new "job" of his that Allen got truly defensive with them. He had never done that before, usually agreeing in one way or another as they had all agreed that that benefitted the group most. Arguing and differing opinions were things they had all agreed unnecessarily fragmented their group, so it was best to just agree.
Allen would simply have to be reminded of this, Tokusa decided at that moment in time. Allen Walker would be reminded of where his loyalties should lie. Of that, he was certain.