Sorry for the delay! I hope I will earn your forgiveness with this chapter. As always, I love to read what you have to say about it, so let me know! Kisses!
"Hey, sweetheart. Come back here! C'mon Katniss- I don't have all day!" Haymitch shouts at my back, while he follows me down the corridor.
It's been weeks since I last saw him, and for the very first time he's sober enough to walk without stumbling around, and I still want to punch him in the face. He knows. He knows I'm not good at playing a role. Everybody could see it clearly when I failed to convince Snow that I was in love with Peeta. They all knew it and I told them multiple times. I told them I was not the right person to do this. But why should they listen to me? And Haymitch? Why didn't he tell Coin I suck at this kind of things? But no, they dolled me up like I was still in the Capitol and put me in front of a camera. I feel my cheeks burn for the embarrassment and the consternated look on Effie's face keeps replaying in my mind. And so do Haymitch's words. And this, my friends, is how a revolution dies. Well, yes indeed. I am not cut for leading a rebellion. The best thing they can do to preserve it is leaving me out of all of this.
"Katniss wait!" Haymitch's voice comes panting and I force myself to stop. I wait for him to reach me and when he looks up at me I address him a deadly glare. He laughs.
"No need to be so friendly, you know" he chuckles, leaning against the wall, an arm thrown across his stomach in a poor attempt to regain his breath.
"What do you want?" I bark. I'm really not in the mood for bearing his sarcasm.
"Well, sweetheart," ha pants "we're going to spend a lot of time together so you better spit it out now"
It's funny how I immediately understand what he means. I look at him and I wish my eyes can burn a hole in his body. Maybe that way he could feel a bit of what I'm going through.
"I can't believe you saved me instead of him" I hear my voice whisper, referring to Peeta. I miss him terribly. I wonder if he's still alive. I find myself wishing he's not. Because if he's alive, he surely is not in the best conditions. I wonder what they are doing to him in the Capitol. Torturing him? Beating him? Whipping him like Thread did to Gale in Twelve? Maybe he's an Avox right now. I have to stop thinking about Peeta, because my heart aches painfully and I feel tears in the back of my eyes.
"Your turn"
"I can't believe you let him out of your sight" he replies, his eyes telling me he's already as much in pain as me. He always liked Peeta more than me. But I am just like him, I'm the female copy of himself. I think he knows me better than anyone.
We stare at each other for a while.
"Well, we said what we had to say. See you, Haymitch" I finally mutter, dropping my eyes and turning around.
"Sweetheart wait" he says again, stopping me with one hand on my shoulder "You have to be careful".
I narrow my eyes, confused.
"What do you mean?" I ask and he rolls his eyes.
"You know exactly what I mean, sweetheart"
"I exactly don't think so," I reply, furrowing my eyebrows "and do not sweetheart me, Haymitch"
He shakes his head and then pulls me towards him so that my ear is in line with his mouth.
"Yes you do," he whispers hurriedly "you have to be really careful with the way you behave. And I'm not talking about your usually lovely attitude, only. I'm talking about you and a certain mutual and very much Capitol acquaintance of ours"
I stiffen visibly and by the way I feel my head spin I can tell I'm pale as a sheet.
"Oh," he sarcastically comments "I see your memory has come back"
I try to regain some self-confidence.
"What's the matter with her? We just share a room-"
"Yeah, sure Katniss. Go tell this fairy tale of yours to someone else," he scoffs "maybe to someone who hasn't heard you moan her name back in the penthouse".
Ok, now I'm sure I'm going to faint. If a moment ago I was pale, now I feel as if all the blood in my body has come up to my face.
"What?" I croak, trying to remember when exactly I have screamed her name loudly enough for him to hear me. But then he chuckles again.
"Just kidding sweetheart," he winks and my face burns hot "Cinna told me the night before the Games. Oh don't blame him now for having shared this little secret of yours: it's thanks to him if our dear Effie is here in Thirteen, after all. She wasn't part of the plan in the beginning, but Cinna said that she would probably have been imprisoned and tortured if we had left her in the Capitol, even if your relationship weren't discovered"
I have to lean against the wall because I feel sick. Cinna. He did so much for me. And I cannot do anything for him anymore. He's dead. He devoted his life to this rebellion. To me. Because he believed in me. And how am I repaying him? By screwing the all thing up.
"What do I have to do?" I whisper, staring at a point over Haymitch's shoulder.
He sighs.
"You have to be yourself but, do me a favor: just…think before acting by instinct, sweetheart. Here's not so different from the Capitol"
I laugh nervously. "You're giving me pretty conflicting information".
He shrugs.
"Just tryin' to be friendly, here" he jokes.
I nod "And how all of this happens to have to do with Effie?"
Haymitch looks at me like he's on the verge of a breakdown.
"Let's put it this way, sweetheart," he sighs "here they're all very..conservative, just look how they are treating me because I am an alcoholic. Just look how they dress, how they do things.. They can't understand abnormality. You think Coin would be happy to discover that the face of her revolution is a girl who has sex with not only a woman but a Capitol woman? She can't afford that, not in her own…kingdom. And the things could turn into a catastrophe, if not for you, for Princess there."
I swallow the thick lump that has formed in my throat.
"So you're asking me to act for the cameras again?" I mutter and I see his eyes sadden. I nod in acknowledgement, and I exhale a trembling breath "You know, I thought I was done with that shit now"
He doesn't say anything but awkwardly puts an arm around my shoulder.
"Y'know, sweetheart. It won't last forever"
We stay silent for a while.
"Haymitch," I call him abruptly, and he looks at me "I want to go to District Eight"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I hear her arrive and I wait for the bomb to explode, listening to her clicking footsteps down the hallway, approaching the door. I am sitting on the bed, my arms onto my knees.
He killed them.
He killed them all with the fire bombs. Just like he did in Twelve, except that the only people in Eight were injured. Injured men, women and children. That woman - Commander Paylor - said no one survived. I close my eyes and I can see in the back of my mind the scene of those people raising their arms and giving me the three-fingers symbol. All dead. And it's all my fault. Again. I shouldn't have gone in District Eight. I thought it was a good idea, I thought that it would be safe for everyone. How wrong I was. Those eyes full of hope flash behind my eyelids and I know that tonight I will wake up crying because those eyes will hunt me down.
Despite all of this, President Coin seemed happy. She had her footage – me destroying the Capitol hovercrafts, me trying to reach the hospital on fire, me threatening Snow, me crying over my stupidity and inability to help – and she had her Mockingjay standing against the Capitol broadcast in every District. "Excellent work, miss Everdeen" she said to me, smiling proudly, and I wanted to yell at her so badly, to remind her that hundreds of people are dead because of my "excellent work". But I stayed silent and smiled back, like the coward I am.
As we land in Thirteen again, I am sent to the hospital wing, where my mother did me a quick check-up. She seemed annoyed by the fact no one told her where I was going but she didn't say it out loud until I forced it out of her mouth. Only then I remembered that I never told Effie where I was going, too. And I knew that moment that she would be pretty upset. Very much upset.
She's right out of the door, and when it finally slides open she enters the room like a fury, holding her notebook. But I'm expecting this.
"How?" she hisses, not bothering to close the door behind her. I stand up and reach for the knob. I slide the door closed "How could you?"
"I'm sorry, but I thought that it would be better for you not to know-" I say.
"You could have died!" she shrieks "You- why you do things without thinking-"
"I was aware that death was an option" I comment "You said it. Everyone's either gonna wanna kiss you, kill you or be you." and as the words come out of my mouth I wish to swallow them back in, because the expression on her face tells me she's close to the breakdown.
"No, no…sorry," I murmur "I didn't mean it to come out this way. But it's true. And that's why I didn't tell you"
"You would have rather died without telling me? Am I so unimportant to you?" she whispers with her eyes filled with tears already.
"Of course you are important!" I say tiredly "But, for God's sake!, everything I do it's dangerous for me right now, I'm just…trying to make it the less dangerous possible for the people I love. I- I didn't tell my mother, either"
She doesn't say anything. She just stares at me, wordlessly. She blinks a few times and tears start to stream down her face.
"Why do you always get away from me?" she mutters.
My heart sinks. I look at her, so scared and still so loving. Her lips are trembling and her eyes are huge. I pull her in an embrace, my fingernails digging into the skin of her back, left bare from the strange shirt she managed to wear.
"I always fight to come back" I whisper "I always do and I always will"
I see her try to put herself together. Then she nods slowly.
"I know" she says softly, wiping her cheeks "And I'll always wait for you to come back to me".
I don't even know how I manage to grab the sides of her face and pull her into a kiss. A deep, heated, messy, sloppy kiss. A moan of pain escapes her throat as I bite down onto her bottom lip and as she opens her mouth I slide my tongue into it and I explore her with a passion I didn't know I have. She raises her arms and she loosens the scarf on her head, throwing it on the floor. I waste no time and I sink my hands in her blond hair, grasping some strands at the base of her neck and deepening the kiss even more.
I slam her against the nearest wall. She arches her back, a flash of slight pain in her features immediately replaced by unmistakable desire. I know I'm being rough but I also know that she, like me, needs it this way tonight. She and I need it hard and violent and mind-blowing tonight. She needs to forget that she could have lost me today. I need to forget the pain that I apparently cause to everyone I am close with. And all the anger, all the rage I have towards the Capitol, towards Snow,.. I channel it into my kisses, and I transfigure it into fierce lust. My lips meet hers again, molding on hers and tasting their softness. She sneaks her hands in between us and starts fumbling with the buttons of my shirt, managing to pull it off of my shoulders. I am more than happy to toss it onto the floor, feeling the heat concentrate in my whole body, while her hands are already under my undershirt. I pull the garment off, interrupting our kiss just for one second, and her mouth is immediately onto my neck and I am gasping quite loudly.
I curse under my breath as she parts my legs with one of hers and her thigh hits me right on my centre. We kiss for a few moments, then I grasp her wrist and pull her off the wall. I tore her shirt off of her and she shivers as the cool air hits her skin but I push her onto the bed without giving her the chance to do anything. She's so beautiful. Her lips are red for the rough kisses and she has several marks on the skin of her neck and shoulders. Her nipples are hard for the cold and the excitement and I immediately lower myself to kiss them, swirling my tongue around the little bundles. She arches her back violently and kicks off her shoes, while I slide her pants down her legs.
"How can you possibly believe I want to get away from you?" I whisper as I kiss her throat and down her cleavage "I want this revolution to end as quickly as possible, so I can stay always with you"
She exhales a loud breath at this, and tries to get me back to her face so she can kiss me, but I push her hands away and keep sliding down her body. My hands caress her legs from the calves back to the thighs, and she whimpers in frustration as I come closer and closer to her clothed centre without really hitting it.
I lick her through the thin material of her panties and she jerks her hips against me. I continue to lick her and I can draw her features with my tongue without completely undress her. I play with the hem of the garment and when I finally pull it off she eagerly parts her legs. She's glistening with arousal and I feel my cheeks burn up along with my guts. I run my tongue along her slit a couple of times before starting to suck gently on her clit, earning a pretty loud moan from her part. I thrust my tongue into her and she bucks her hips, but this time I push them down to the mattress. I lap her folds slowly, and I feel her thighs tremble and I struggle to keep her pinned to the bed.
"Oh, for Heaven's sake Katniss" she whimpers as I press my thumb onto her clit.
"What?" I ask in a husky voice.
She arches under my touch and she pants "Just- please, just take me".
I have her begging now, and this sends a jolt of pleasure straight between my legs. But even if all I want right now is her to moan my name as loudly as this place allows it, I decide to play with her a little bit more. I continue to stroke her with my fingers as I reach her lips and kiss her deeply. She licks around my mouth and cleans me from her juices and I nearly come undone for this. How can she be so damn sexy?
"I'm not gonna take you" I whisper onto her lips. I kiss the corner of her mouth and then I lick my way up to her ear "I am gonna fuck you until you stop thinking all the nonsense from earlier"
She shudders at this, and she digs her nails into my shoulders.
"Yes.." she moans.
I am pleasantly surprised by her reaction. I quite expected her to be horrified by my dirt-talking, but apparently she likes it. She likes it a lot. I can't help but grin and I wonder if she likes me whispering bad words in her ear while I have my hand between her legs. I rub her clit more roughly and she lets out a cry.
"Katniss.." she whines.
I pull her earlobe between my teeth and I thrust two fingers into her without warning.
"God, you're so wet" I mutter between gritted teeth. I could swim in all her arousal. She squirms beneath me and flexes her legs, taking me deeper inside of her. I start to curl my fingers and my fingertips draw tiny circles onto her inner walls. She throws her head back and opens slightly her mouth to breathe out a shaking gasp. I kiss her softly and while I am distracting her with my tongue I thrust one more finger into her. Hard.
"Holy fuck"
Hearing her curse sends me over the top. I begin to thrust in and out of her, quickening my pace every time. She's driving me nuts. The sight of her approaching her climax is overwhelming and I'm throbbing with need between my legs. Her moans are quickly becoming too loud and I cover her mouth with my free hand, supporting myself onto my knees only. I swallow and I decide to try one last thing. I come closer to her so that my lips are less than a inch far from her ear.
"I bet you're going to come so hard that your legs are going to shake for days"
That's it. That, plus a sudden curling of my fingers, and she's done. Her thighs tremble and her walls clench. Her back literally takes off from the mattress and I can tell she lets out a scream even if it's muffled by my hand. After I free her mouth she is panting so loud I think she could be having a lung failure, and I prop myself on the elbows to give her air but she grabs my shoulder and pulls me against her again. She finds my lips and kisses me sweetly, caressing my tongue with hers.
Her face and neck are flustered, her cheeks of a bright shade of pink. I snuggle against her, listening to her quickened heartbeat, watching the fast rise-and-fall of her chest and trying to ignore the pulsing of my core between my thighs. I vaguely notice that somehow I am still wearing my pants. I look down and I see that, even if I have my bra still on, one of my breasts is threatening to slip out of the garment, my nipple quite visible already. I look up again to find Effie's eyes staring hungrily at me. In a moment she's on the top of me, her hands sliding my trousers down my legs along with my panties. I am about to unhook my bra but she stops me.
"Leave it"
I arch an eyebrow but I comply, mentally adding that to the list of kinks I am learning about my former escort.
She slides down my upper body, briefly caressing with her mouth as much skin as she can reach and leaving a glistening pattern where her tongue darts out to savor me. I start to close my eyes, to completely enjoy the feeling of her lips onto me, but a sharp and sudden pain makes them fly open.
"Shit" I mutter between gritted teeth as she begins to move her fingers roughly in and out of me, while her tongue caressing the inside of my thigh sends chills up my spine.
"Language dear," she hums against my centre, thrusting hard into me and making other bad words slip out of my mouth "No need to be vulgar, I'm just returning the favor".
I can't help but smile and I open my mouth to reply but all that comes out is a hiss when she runs the tip of her tongue in between my folds.
"Don't act like a lady now, Effie" I pant, trying to focus on what I'm saying and to resist to my already approaching orgasm at once "Like you didn't enjoy me being vulgar just a few minutes a-god!"
Her tongue swirls around my clit and I try so hard not to break. The things she can do with her goddamned mouth…she's really one of a kind. She can be light and hard in the same movement, loving but also hating me at the same time. She can be both sides of the coin at once.
My hips bucks as she touches my inner walls with her tongue and now I'm sure I can't take anymore.
"Effie—" I whimper as her fingers replace her tongue again.
Then, suddenly, she stops.
I open my eyes and I stare at her, in disbelief. Is she gone mad? What the hell?
"Why did you stop?" I can't help but ask, and my voice betrays all my frustration. The feeling of her fingers still inside of me is driving me insane.
She looks back at me, her pupils huge but immobile just like her hand.
"You will never again fly away without telling me" she says.
Well, that's cruel. I just look at her, not quite believing this is happening. She doesn't falter.
"Promise me, Katniss" she growls dangerously "Right now. And if this – she nods towards her hand between my legs – it's what it takes to make you say these words, I have no problems not doing anything at all".
The throbbing is nearly unbearable now, and when I open my mouth to breathe I hear my voice telling her what she wants without my rational consent.
"I will never again fly away without telling you" I whimper, and she smiles.
After that, it doesn't take long. It's a matter of few thrusts and I have to stifle my scream in the pillow, as white stars explode behind my closed eyelids.
When I regain breath and consciousness, she is nestled next to me, one arm thrown over my waist.
She kisses my ear from behind and as my eyes close I hear her muttering "I wish you could keep this promise, dear".