The next page was dated three days later.

Minor setback. Okay, that's a lie. Great I'm lying to myself too. That's just brilliant, Light.

I sound fucking insane. I think I need a break honestly, but that's not a luxury I can afford. I feel so incredibly weak.

I can't chance killing this week. I know he's watching me, and keeping the quota isn't worth getting caught. However, if I don't he can argue that it stopped because he's watching me. Either way I'm stuck and he knows it.

—

It's not because I like death. I feel the need to justify that, even if no one will actually listen. I don't enjoy killing them. In fact, watching them die is probably the worst part. I'm not doing this out of some sick sadistic urge. I'm doing this because of what happens after. I know how many victims each of the men and women I kill have to their name and how many more will be added if I don't stop them.

I'm not innocent. L's right about that much. I don't care if he, and my father, and everyone I'm pretending to enjoy the company of think that Kira is a monster. Hundreds of would be victims understand what they can't. I'm protecting people, and that is far more important than keeping my hands clean.

—

Misa is dead. She jumped off a building yesterday. When they told me I thought that she'd been murdered by someone who somehow realized she was connected to the first one, but there was a note on her dresser. It's sounds like I'm full of myself, but I thought it would be addressed to me. It wasn't.

I got a line or two about her being sorry and not to loose hope—what ever the hell she meant by that—and the rest was addressed to this girl she'd apparently been seeing. I guess she stopped telling me stuff like that. Probably around the time I stopped listening.

Everyone thinks I have something to do with it. There is no solid proof, but for the first time they're questioning me. They're questioning me for the one thing I honestly had nothing to do with.

I expected Ryuzaki to jump on this. I expected him to at least say something, to try to catch my reaction and all. But the weird thing is he hasn't talked to me since we found out about it.

It's more infuriating than it should be. I can accept when he's disgusted at Kira, because Kira is something someone like him will never be able to understand. But I don't deserve to judgement for something I have nothing to do with.

I didn't have anything to do with it.

—

There are times when I consider I've overestimated my ability to keep hold of my sanity.

I was prepared for the silent treatment to continue today. At first it seemed like that was what he was intended to do. It was only halfway through to morning that I realized it wasn't just me he was ignoring. I didn't recall hearing him say a word since we were told about Misa. I suppose in the moment I was too distracted to notice.

By afternoon I couldn't handle it. I prefer his relentless accusations to the cold shoulder, and the fact that I could feel everyone else's eyes wearing into me didn't help at all. I said I was going for a walk. Instead I went to the roof. Being on a crowded street wouldn't have helped the anxiety.

I didn't realize the pull I felt to the edge until I was staring over it. If I looked far enough I couldn't see the building under me. You'd think that would be frightening, but it wasn't.

It was as if I was hovering with nothing tying me to the building or pulling me to the ground. I knew that this was what Misa must have seen in her last seconds alive, and instead of that making my stomach churn it was comforting. It felt like I was floating in an in-between state. At the same time I knew that I couldn't balance forever, and very soon gravity would win. I recognized this but I didn't move.

Then I was suddenly being jerked backward onto the roof and reality washed away the daze of why I was being drawn to the edge. The force of the pull knocked me backward, in a manor I'm sure was less than graceful. I must have looked frantic, but I was mainly embarrassed. This only got worse when I spun around to face my 'rescuer.'

Ryuzaki muttered something about it being a boring way to end things. I then blurted that I wasn't going to jump. Then he just stared at me. For a long time he's thought that if he focuses hard enough on my face he'll be able to read my emotions. The eye contact was the tipping point.

I started yelling at him. Demanding that if he was going to accuse me he might as well just do it, because the silence game was making me want to bash his brains in. His expression didn't even change, and that only made me want to punch him more. He didn't move until I tried to stand up. I don't think he meant to push me down, he probably didn't realize how physically unstable I was.

I barked the word "what" in his face, but he didn't fight back. Instead he told in a very controlled voice that he didn't think I killed Misa. Now it was my turn to stare, so he went on to say that Kira had no reason to kill a civilian.

I clearly remember each word from this point. I asked: "Then why are you giving me the silence treatment?"

He relied: "I thought Light-kun would want space while grieving the death of his girlfriend. If you'd rather me continue to accuse you I will. Only of what you have committed, of course."

I started laughing. It must have sounded deranged.

That made him crease his almost nonexistent eyebrows, and for a second I was shocked that he was actually capable of being concerned for me. I kept waiting for him to stand up and tell me that I needed to go home and regain my already poor excuse for mental health. Instead he just sat their looking worried.

I couldn't take it.

"Go back inside," I told him.

He asked why. I said I didn't want pity from someone who hates me.

He said he doesn't hate me. He thinks I'm a mass-murderer but he doesn't hate me. He was about to say something else, but I cut him off by doing something I really shouldn't have.

I think I'll blame it on the stress, or maybe on the fact that I've had to repress attraction for my entire life, or maybe on the fact that I've been pretending that I'm not completely in enamored by him.

I don't know what he's going to blame for kissing me back.

—

I'm in love. And I hate how stupid it looks, but I'm in so deep right now that if I don't get it out I'm absolutely positive it will kill me. That's not even an exaggeration. Imagine how ironic it would be for me to die from stress. Ryuzaki would be too shocked to laugh.

Actually I don't know that he would laugh no matter how I died. That's the current problem, or at least one of the many current problems that all string together and link me to him like a long pair of handcuffs.

We didn't talk about the case today.

I've had to compromise a small amount of my pride in order to keep myself from wanting to kill the rest of the task-force. Long story short I exaggerated a break down in front of a handful of them. I say exaggerated and not faked because they were legitimate emotions. However, had I not needed the disgusting pity of my coworkers, I would have never let them see how pathetic I'm capable of looking.

Fortunately after a few tears and some hyperventilating they remembered that Misa was a close friend of mine and abandoned any ideas of me spelling out her demise. Ryuzaki sent everyone home after that. I pretended to have to compose myself before leaving the building and told the others not to wait for me.

Ryuzaki called me a liar when I came back into the room dry eyed. I told him it wasn't completely a lie and instead of arguing with me he told me to go home. I sat down next to him and asked something along the lines of "aren't you afraid I'll kill someone if I do?"

He didn't bat an eye, but I didn't anticipate much of a reaction. "You haven't killed in a month, you won't start again the second I say I've turned my back."

I didn't need this reminder. It's correct and it's frustrating and it almost made me forget the good mood I was in. Because he was expecting me to say something, I go back to the old argument. "I'm not Kira."

He reminded me of his current precent chance that I am. It's slowly getting higher, but the rest of the task force stopped bothering with it a month ago.

Today I had a new counter: "If I was Kira why would I have kissed you?"

"Why wouldn't you?" He, of course didn't miss a beat.

I was prepared for him to think it was another ploy and not me letting something genuine slip. I told myself numerous times to expect it. That didn't make the sting any less painful. At the same time I wish he was right. It would have been a good ploy, and I'll admit that I wouldn't be above using it if the situation were any different. If my heart didn't defy me by hammering at him being his close to me. It made me angry that he could say one thing and make my heart burn, while I could kiss him and he still didn't act any different.

When people get angry they do things that they regret, loose their control. Since I understand that I am not exception to human nature I decided that maybe it would be better if I left. I told him so, and was about to stand, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm.

I noticed the closeness. I watched him notice it. For the first time in our entire acquaintance he dropped his mask. I didn't know if this would ever happen again, and hungrily searched his face for…for I don't even know what. I was only vaguely aware that he must have been doing the same to me.

"Why did you?" His voice wasn't louder than a breath. It made me want to lean into him, and for the first time I realized that this action wouldn't be unaccepted. He hadn't pushed me away the first time.

I told him that I don't know why I kissed him. He told me that I was lying. He can always tell when I'm lying. He was about to say something else but I stopped him again.

This time it was slower. I was more coherent so I let myself take the time to enjoy it. Instead of a rush of passion and frustration, it was gentle. Intimate. For less than a second I forgot who we are to each other. It was dangerous but blissful.

I was the one who broke it, pulling back but not away.

"Why did you?" I asked him the same question I didn't answer.

The problem was that neither of us wanted to be the first one to voice it. If I let him know that it's real for me and it wasn't for him I would be practically handing him my remote control. I am not going to give him that power over me unless it's an equal trade. That's survival.

He decided that I was trying to trick him and told me this. I echoed him, and I know we both hope that we're thinking the same thoughts. But it's too much of a risk. We're still L and Kira, but in that moment I didn't want to think about that. So, instead, I tried to make it about Ryuzaki and Light.

Maybe, after years of thinking I was stronger than everyone, I realized I am weak. I wanted this. Maybe a day ago I could have lived with not getting it, but there was no way in hell I wasn't going to reach for what was being dangled in front of my face.

I wanted this to be as close to real as it could, so I start with a truth. I knew how juvenile it would sound, but I told him: "You're the first guy I've kissed."

He murmured: "You're the first person I've kissed."

I blurt "really" before I could stop myself. He nodded, and looked slightly embarrassed. I made him embarrassed. I couldn't resist grinning at that. His usually wide eyes narrowed.

"You're laughing at me." He commented this in a very dry tone, that made me smile more. I don't think he really understood why. I'm not sure I do either. For a second he smiled back, but then his face became serious again.

He asked: "Is this okay?"

I told the truth again.

"Of course is isn't."

It isn't for either of us.

He nodded. We weren't exactly on the same page, but we were definitely in the same book. I said: "I'm not going to apologize."

I meant this about a lot of things, but I let him decide which one he wanted to take it to. It must have meant something, because the next thing I knew his mouth was on mine again. I let him have control this time. This isn't going to work if I don't do that at least a little.

It was faster then. We were both trying wash away reality. The trouble about diving head first is that it's easy to drown if you don't know what you're doing. The problem with being two geniuses is that neither of us will ever admit that we don't know what we're doing. I think we both found that the burn of waterlogged lungs is better than the fear of never jumping. Besides, it's not like we aren't drawn to extremes.

I'll call what happened next extreme, because that dilutes every emotions that mixed within it.

—

Distraction is a double edged sword. On one hand, I can tell he's not focused—or at least what he's focusing on isn't the case. But on the other hand I hadn't exactly been putting my mind into outsmarting him. I know why I'm letting myself slip. I can't do anything about it if his isn't the same reason. I'm screwed either way. I was screwed from the moment I kissed him. The awful part is that I love it. I love every single second of it.

We only talk about Kira in front of the others. I guess it's easier when we're alone for him to pretend he's wrong about me. I wonder if he imagines what it would be like if he was. He probably doesn't realize he wouldn't like the person I was before Kira.

I only go back to my apartment to change and write in this now. At the end of the day I pretend that I'm leaving so the others don't catch on. It's better if no one else knows, and it's not like they have a right to my personal life anyway. Even if I was seeing a guy under completely healthy circumstances, I couldn't tell my family. I might have told Misa. If she was still here.

—

I really want to trust him. I don't think I've ever wanted anything this much.

—

He doesn't sleep a lot. By that I mean I'm pretty sure he only gets an hour or two a night. I have no idea how he's still alive. Anyway, him not sleeping means that he gets to witness all of the shit I say when I'm groggy and don't realize I'm talking.

It's never been anything about the case. If I was afraid it would be I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean, I would, but, you know, not the sleep part. Fuck, I sound like a teenager.

Anyway apparently last night I asked him the run away with me. Or, more I told him that we were going to run away. He, of course, told me once I was conscious enough to have a fucking verbal filter.

I'm good at concealing emotion when directly confronted, but this was different. When we talk about the case we're supposed to lie to each other, but in those moments the truth is what makes the intimacy so addictive. It's a dangerous excitement, and it's high might kill both of us.

I asked him what his answer was to sleep deprived me. He reacted that I hadn't really phrased it as a question. Because I was already being so many degrees of foolish, I said: "If it was a question, and if I meant it, would you?"

I watched him think. I'll never tell him how much I love watching him think. He's always been careful to mask his thought process in front of me, but he's not perfect. Every now and then there will be a minuet crease in his eyebrows, or press on his lips. I notice every detail. Now not for the reason that I used to.

"Would you keep murdering people if I did?" His eyes locked onto mine, and it was my turn to be read.

"I don't murder people," I said because it's not a lie.

"Yes you do." He only said this because he's stubborn and is never going to stop. That should have been enough to get me to, but for some reason I defied the judgement I always cling to. I told him I don't want to talk about Kira. He countered that it's hard not to talk about Kira when Kira is in his bed.

I kissed him to get him to shut up before he ruined my morning. It was rougher than I meant it to be, but he didn't seem to mind. I only pulled away when my lungs were screaming for air. I leaned back on my pillow, looking at the ceiling instead of him. I used to be a morning person, but now I hate getting out of bed.

I didn't expect him to lie his head on my stomach, but welcomed it. His hair is softer than it looks, and I unconsciously ran my hands through it. I don't know how long we stayed like that. I don't have the best sense of time when I'm with him. That's definitely on the list of reasons why this is dangerous.

"If the deaths stopped, then yes." He whispered this into my shirt, but I heard it clear as day.

"Yes what?" I teased, because he could already feel my heart hammering.

"Yes, I would run away with you."

—

I think it was supposed to be a joke. Scratch that. It was a joke. Then we realized how possible this is.

We'd disappear for a little bit. Of course notes would be left, so it doesn't look like we were kidnapped or anything like that. He says he has money. I know he wouldn't lie about that. He doesn't have to stop being a detective, and continuing my career path doesn't sound quite so nauseating anymore.

Kira will have to die. If I continue he'll continue trying to expose me. We both need to stop, and pretend we met each other some other way. I can do that if he will.

After a few months he says he'll contact his guardian. I'll do the same with my family. I know at least Sayu will still want to talk to me. I think that will be enough.

We don't know exactly when yet. But when we leave I'm going to burn this book. It's the only left that connects me to Kira, and I need all ties cut.