I know, I know. It's been a while since I've updated and I apologize for that. It just took me a while to get this just right. Get ready for some major sadness.

Haha I knew this moment would come but not this soon. Oh I'm lovin' the looks on both of your faces right now. What did I keep telling you sweety? There's no way you could keep up this charade for long. If you did, you're a lot dumber than I thought. I'll just sit back and watch the drama unfold from here. It's better to have a front row seat to something like this.

'It happened as if it were in slow motion. I knew this day would come but not this soon. Not before I came up with a good excuse or tried to explain myself correctly. I'm totally exposed for the fraud that I am and I have nothing to say. At least not right now. God how could this happen? How could I let myself do something like that? I shouldn't have given into my desires then I wouldn't be in this mess. I wish I was any where but here. Far from the shocked expression on his face. Far from the accusing eyes that I've been dreading since day one. How could I so stupid? Fuckin' idiot!'

Dwayne didn't believe it. He felt numb from head to toe. He wasn't even sure that what he was looking at was real. It almost felt like a horrible nightmare and he was just waiting to wake up from it but he couldn't. The truth was staring at him right in the face and he had nothing to say. At least not yet.

Mya was the first one to speak. "I was going to tell you, I swear. I just didn't know how to say it."

He drew in a shaky breath. "Are those what I think they are?"

She slowly nodded her head yes.

He turned away, trying to clear his head. "So that's what you've been...hinting around about? About how I wouldn't understand and all that? It makes perfect sense now."

She could feel the tears building in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to find out this way."

"How did you mean for me to find out then, huh?", the anger began rising in his voice, "Let me guess. He drove you to do this to yourself. Am I right?"

Tears threatened to fall and she couldn't bring herself to look at his hurt expression.

"Answer me!" He could feel the tears building in his eyes and his heart began to ache with betrayal.

She could feel his eyes burning into her and she could feel her voice tremble as she spoke. "How else was I supposed to feel? This is the only way for me to feel alive. I became so damn numb that it resulted to this. I deserved every single one! Don't you understand?," she yelled as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"So what does this accomplish? All your doing is hurting yourself and for what? To so call 'feel alive?' Who are you trying to fool here?" His accusing eyes couldn't conceal the betrayal and the pain he felt deep inside. All the hiding and the erratic behavior. It was all making perfect sense to him now but it was also scaring the hell out of him. 'How could she hide this from me? Why?'

"I'm not trying to fool anyone Dwayne! Don't you see? I do this because..." She turned away from him, afraid to come clean about her addiction.

"Because of what?" He walked closer to her. He needed to know why she would do such a thing. The scars were so...deep and painful just to look at. He couldn't even bring himself to imagine what they might have felt like.

"Because...I'm scared to open my heart up to you. How do I know that you won't hurt me or betray me like he did?" she turned around to face him, "Huh! You don't have an answer for that, do you? That's what I thought." She tried to walk away from him but her feet felt like they were glued to the floor.

He couldn't let it end this way. "Mya wait! Please just tell me why. That's all I ask." His heart wanted to break into a million pieces. So many emotions were running through him that he didn't even know where to start. It felt so surreal, almost like a bad dream that he wanted to wake up from but couldn't. This was for real and he wanted to try to understand why.

She turned around very slowly, her body feeling even more numb by the minute. It was happening as if in slow motion. She felt like she had no control of her own body and what she was about to say. "You wanna know how it feels? To drag that blade across your skin? It doesn't matter where. The only thing that matters is relief. Everything is so...fucked up that pain is the only way to come back to reality. Nothing is real in this world until you can feel something as intense as that. You feel almost at peace with yourself. All of the bullshit just fades in the darkness along with everything else. Your sins are washed away unti you realize what you've done afterwards. After you come down from it. Anything can fuel the addiction no matter what. Anything can trigger it. You can't stop it. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't. Something always drives you back. It's a never ending cycle. All the while just looking for peace and redemption as if you deserve in the first place. There's no guarantee that you'll find it but you keep searching any way. That's why you have to keep going. The future is always uncertain especially when all you have is your pain and nothing else. Is that a good enough explanation for ya?"

Her cheeks burned as the tears stained her face. She tried to compose herself. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I need some time to think."

"So that's it? That's your solution? To just run away from this, from me? I want to help you but I can't do that if you just shut me out like this. Please, don't do this Mya." Tears started to well up in his eyes as he reached out to touch her.

She backed away from him as if he disgusted her. "I'm sorry Dwayne. It's too late for me. You're better off any way. Just do us both a favor and forget me. I can guarantee that it won't hurt as much if you do that. Good bye." She walked out of the bedroom, grabbed her coat and walked out of his life. With each step, pieces of her heart broke off and shattered on the floor. She wanted to die right then and there but didn't let it show. She had to be strong. She had to be in control.

He watched her walk away. That's all he could do. Nothing he said would make her stay. She didn't want his help. That just ate him up inside. He wanted to run after her, tell her that everything would be okay, they could get through this together. He knew that wouldn't happen. Even after he heard the door shut, he couldn't move. His body didn't want to cooperate. It was if he was frozen. Almost like a lifeless statue. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he fell to his knees and sobbed.

Back to present

So that leads me to where I am today. I have nothing but my regret to go along with the cold dark wasteland of eternity. Everything around me spirals down ward. My sanity slowly rots inside my lonely mind. The one image that still haunts me is the look on his face. God I can't get that out of my head. I've tried everything but nothing works. I see him when I close my eyes, when I want to cut, when I just want to die. The image keeps coming back to me. I've never seen anyone look at me like that. That's probably why I'm so affected by it. Even now when I'm not thinking about him. I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. What if? So many things can be attached to those words. Even if I did handle the situation differently, it wouldn't have a damn bit of difference. It's all ancient history now. There's nothing I can do about it. I'll just do what I do best in situations like this. Run away and hope everything will turn out for the better. Running is what I do best.

I know that was a little harsh to do to Dwayne but I had to do it. Sorry! I'll try my best to get another chapter out. Promise!