Stefan

I manage to find my way to my car that is parked down a side street. Luckily I still have a supply of blood bags in the boot and I thrust open the boot and rip into them. I squeeze the bags with all my might and the blood barely touches the sides of my mouth as it falls down my throat like hot, silk. I gasp in between gulps, the euphoria of the blood filling me up and in the next instant, I'm surrounded by 5 empty blood bags and reaching for the next. But they're gone. I smash the boot shut and yell out in frustration before climbing into the car.

I pull off and head home, my driving is out of control due to the hysteria that is consuming my body and won't ease it's grip. The car swerves into the other lane continuously as I attempt to keep control of both the car and myself. My head is pounding, my heart is erratic and sweat is pouring out of me. Fury, panic and agony collide within me, crashing into each other and causing explosion after explosion. With each one that happens I feel myself losing grip of my sanity, until I cease to be. I aggressively twist the wheel to the right and come to a sudden halt on a patch of grass at the side of the road, before throwing the door open and collapsing out of the car and onto the grass.

I'm gasping and coughing and fighting for breath, my entire body is numb, apart from the torturous tightening of my chest. I crawl onto my hands and knees, choking on my own breaths and the air around me, until the pain in my chest drops down into my stomach, forcing me to violently convulse. After spewing up countless times, the tightness begins to ease and I lie face down on the grass. The events of the day are so intensely vivid and surreal that I feel my consciousness lift from my body and float up. I remain lying in the long grass, cars passing by and I simply look down upon myself.

And all I can think of is Damon.

This is his fault.

He allowed himself to fall in love with Elena and then deliberately and intentionally forced himself into her life until she gave into him.

He manipulated her with the sire bond in order to drive a wedge between us and get her into bed.

He betrayed me and took my heart and shattered it into a million pieces.

He has destroyed me and I hate him for that.

I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone else. And the only reason it is possible for me to hate him so much, is also because I love him so much and that love makes the impact of what he has done that much more harder to bear.

If anyone else was responsible for this heartbreak that I'm suffering through, I would be angry and upset, but I would move on. But I can't because it's Damon. He'd always promised me an eternity of misery, but I never truly believed that he meant it. I didn't know he hated me this much. So much that he would take the only person I have ever or will ever truly love away from me.

Well, he can sleep soundly now because he has succeeded in his mission. I will spend the rest of eternity miserable and without Elena by my side.

Elena

Caroline, Tyler, Matt, Jeremy and Bonnie all arrive at the Boarding House to discuss dinner a little after 6 as promised, but Stefan is a no show. He's supposed to be spending the day with Rebekah to try and get the dagger, but promised he'd be back for 6, so I text to see where he is, but he doesn't respond.

We discuss the arrangements for the meal without him, but it's less of a discussion and more Caroline at the head of the table reading out her checklist. The meal will take place at my house at 2pm. She's already bought the food, Stefan will cook, Damon will bring the alcohol and after we've ate we'll play games and sing karaoke until the early hours of the morning.

Despite it taking place 2 weeks before Christmas, I'm so grateful that we have the chance to celebrate it. Part of me thinks it's ridiculous to celebrate at all given everything that's going on, but if there's one thing I've learned since meeting Stefan, it's that we have to keep living our lives, no matter how hard it gets, and doing that means taking the time to appreciate the small things by creating our own happy moments, because without those there's nothing left to live for.

With Caroline having planned every detail of the dinner already, we only sit together and chat about it for half an hour before they all leave to go home. Well, Matt leaves to go home, as for Caroline and Tyler and Bonnie and Jeremy, I'm sure their reasons for disappearing out of the door like a flash weren't because they were desperate for a hot chocolate and a movie. I stay behind with Damon. Our moods have mellowed since earlier and we sit together, drinking coffee and making small talk in front of the fire.

Stefan still isn't home and I can sense that the two of us are both waiting to hear how his day went and more importantly whether or not he was successful in finding the dagger. He's spent almost everyday with Rebekah since we got back from the lake house and although I know it's a necessary part in finding the cure, I feel a pit of jealousy in my stomach at the thought of the two of them together, especially given their history and Rebekah's flirtatious nature.

The second we hear Stefan's car pull up outside, Damon and I stand from our seats in anticipation. After a few moments Stefan stumbles through the door, his head down and my heart stops in my chest. His usually well-groomed hair is wild, his skin is pasty and grey and his shirt is covered in blood. Damon steps forward and goes to him, filled with concerned and starts asking him questions.

"Stefan. What happened? Are you okay? You look a little worse for wear," he says, letting out a light laugh, that fails to mask his nervousness.

Stefan slowly lifts his head to look at Damon and I walk closer and stand behind Damon, looking over his shoulder at Stefan. His eyes are vacant and there is something in them that terrifies me to my core. I know that Damon is afraid too, because I feel his body go stiff and he reaches his hand behind his back, making sure that I'm protected. I want to speak, but I find that all I can do is stare at Stefan. Damon begins talking about the meeting we had about dinner in an attempt to make small talk and pretend that everything is normal, when it's clearly not and Stefan stays rooted on the spot. He's so still that for a moment I'm sure that he's turned to stone. I feel anxiety swell within me and my eyes focus on the dark red blood that is down the front of his shirt. Damon and I both already know what has happened, but I think that neither one of us want to admit it.

Eventually Damon's conversation about tomorrow's dinner trails off and he inhales deeply, before saying, "Stef...talk to me. What happened?"

"You know what happened, Damon," he says, his voice quiet and hoarse. "What does it look like happened?"

"You fed," Damon says. "You didn't...you haven't...?"

"What? Turned it off? I suppose that would be ideal for you, wouldn't it, brother?" He spits the word brother as though it's poison and finishes with, "With my feelings for Elena gone, I would be out of the picture."

I stare on in disbelief, unable to comprehend what could have possibly happened in the 6 hours since I last saw him that has caused him to behave this way.

"But unfortunately, it's not gonna be that easy."

Damon and I sigh with relief and I finally find my voice.

"Thank god. Stefan, I don't know what we'd do if we lost you."

"We? Huh," he says with a scoff. "Funny, you didn't seem to care about losing me when you were having sex 48 hours after we broke up."

I stare at him in disbelief and confusion. Where has all of this come from? I know he's been hurting about what happened, but for weeks now he has been normal with Damon and I. Was I naive to believe that he had really moved on and forgiven us so soon? Maybe even Stefan isn't capable of that level of forgiveness and compassion.

"I think we should all just take a time out here, okay?" Damon says. "Let's just sit down and-"

"And talk. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. But the thing is Damon, I'm kinda sick of talking."

I step from behind Damon, go straight up to Stefan and say, "Stefan, please, tell us what happened. What did Rebekah do to you?", before turning back to Damon and saying, "I knew this was a bad idea and that we should just have Bonnie spell her and Klaus. Just look at what she's done to him!"

"Funny, that you didn't mention that when we all agreed on this plan," Damon replies.

"No, I didn't agree. I was outvoted," I remind him.

"That hardly matters now, does it?" Damon exclaims at me before looking to Stefan. "Look, Stefan, I've said sorry. How many more times can I apologise? I screwed up, but hey, that's me. Screw up is my middle name, just like forgiveness is yours. We agreed to push this aside until after we find the cure."

Stefan puts his head in his hands and laughter comes from him.

"Screwed up? Screwed up?"

All of a sudden the smile falls from his face and is replaced with a thunderous rage. He pounces over me and lands on top of Damon. He has him pinned to the floor, has hold of him by his shirt, and he brings his fit down upon face with such force and speed that his hand and Damon's face both become blurred in my vision. Damon lies motionless on the floor and I know that he's allowing Stefan to do his worst, because he knows he deserves it and that Stefan has been desperately needing to release this caged up rage since the day he found out that Damon and I slept together. Every instinct in my body is telling me to stop them, to drag Stefan away from Damon from his hair just to stop him from hurting him, but I don't. I stand by and let it happen, because I know just like Damon that this has to happen.

Stefan

My blood is burning as it races around my body, fueling the white hot fury that is once again filling me up from the inside. My mind becomes completely blank and my senses dull, as my body transforms into a machine, a weapon, fueled by hatred and anger and betrayal and whose sole purpose is to destroy Damon. I bring my fist down on his face again and again and again, causing blood to spurt out from every orifice on his face and still I don't relent. I yell out in anger and the pace of the blows grow more frantic and as my temper reaches it's peak, I rip the leg from the coffee table and plunge it deep into his chest. Elena's piercing squeal brings me back to my senses and I see Damon's face bloody and mangled, his eyes rolling back in his head, his shirt wet with blood, the shard of wood protruding out from his chest and my temper dissipates as quickly as it erupted. I roll off him and fall back onto the ground, my breathing heavy and erratic. My vision remains impaired for numerous seconds, but my hearing returns to me and I can hear Elena's shuddering and frantic sobs as she calls out Damon's his name. Despite still being disorientated I manage to crawl back towards them and when my vision finally comes back to me my hand goes up to my mouth in horror as I stare on at what I've done through my tear filled eyes.

"Oh, god, Damon..." I croak.

I continue staring at him for a few seconds, unable to think anything other than "oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god,", but then my rationale returns to me and I yank the wood out of his chest forcefully and yell at Elena to get blood. She scrambles to her feet and disappears out of the room. Damon is still conscious but barely and luckily Elena returns in less than a second. I force the blood bag down Damon's throat and at first he barely responds aside from opening his mouth slightly.

"Come on, Damon," I say as I squeeze the blood bag. "Come on."

"Stefan...what...what do we do? What do we do?" Elena asks me through panicked sobs.

"He' okay. He's going to be okay," I say.

Half way through the second blood bag Damon shows signs of responding to the blood and grabs it from my hands, sucking at it desperately. Elena and I exclaim in relief and we remain watching over him and handing him more blood bags, until he gasps and shoots up, his eyes wide. Elena grabs him tightly and giggles and cries with relief, and despite wanting to do the same, I don't. His eyes fall on me and I see something in them that I haven't seen in them in the entire 164 years that we have been brothers - fear. Elena pulls away from Damon, but remains clinging to him and they both stare at me, horror in their eyes.

"Damon...I'm...I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I never wanted...I'm...I'm sorry," I stammer.

The fear falls from his face then and he looks at me in a way he so rarely does, with sympathy and love, and despite what I've just done to him I can almost see an apology in his eyes.

Elena places her head on Damon's shoulder and wraps her arm around his neck, the relief of seeing him alive and well still having hold of her. Damon keeps his eyes on mine and although no words are exchanged between us, with just one look we communicate more than we have in over a century. It says all of the things that we always feel but never say, like; I'm sorry, please forgive me and no matter what happens you're my brother and I don't know what I'd do without you and...I love you.

Damon

Elena helps me get to my feet and leads me over to the couch. Stefan gets up and follows us and sits across from us in the arm chair. None of us speak for a few minutes, because I'm not sure that any of us know what to say.

"Stefan, I'm sorry," I say, finally breaking the silence.

I think it's the first time I've truly apologised to him with a sincere heart, since sleeping with Elena and I know that I should've said it sooner. We agreed to push our issues aside in order to focus on finding the cure, but the truth is it can't be ignored anymore. All three of us are hurting and pretending otherwise clearly isn't working.

"I deserved everything I got," I continue. "I think it's time that we finally talk about this. About us and what we're doing."

It feels strange that I'm the one being the voice of reason for a change, but I feel that it's necessary and after what has just happened any facade or walls that I've had up over these passing weeks completely slips away. Stefan looks conflicted and his eyes are down on the ground. Elena sits beside me and she takes her hand off my leg, before saying, "This is all my fault," her voice dripping with guilt and shame. "None of this would've happened if I just..." She trails off not knowing how to finish that sentence. "I've tried so hard to do the right thing, but I keep messing up and hurting you both and I don't know what to do anymore."

Stefan sighs deeply. "We've all got a part to play in this, Elena. It's hard on all of us."

"Yeah, but if I just...if I chose one of you like you asked before, this wouldn't have happened."

My eyes fall to the ground too and despite knowing that this is something we need to talk about, I want nothing more than for the ground to swallow me whole.

"I've been so selfish, avoiding both of you, keeping you both at a distance, because I know I can't give you the answers that you need and because I'm terrified. The thought of losing either one of you..."

Her voice cracks with emotion and she shakes her head, as she tries to get a hold of her emotions.

"But I need to do the right thing by you and do what I should've done a long time ago...I need to let both of you go."

Mine and Stefan's heads jerk up at hearing her say those words and we both stare at her in disbelief.

"I know none of us wanted it to come to this, but we keep going round and round in circles. We're stuck in this never ending cycle of hurting each other and it needs to stop. You want me to choose and I...I can't. I've seen what this has done to you before with Katherine. She ruined you and I won't do the same. It's not too late, we can stop repeating history and do something about it."

She's speaking the truth that all of us have always known, but refused to accept, simply because we knew the consequences of admitting it aloud and despite all of the pain we cause each other, we still love each other, still need each other. But the fact that for the first time Elena has said it...it confirms my deepest fear that our love has finally run it's course. I always knew that at some point this would happen, that our ties would be severed due to the unbearable ongoing tension and conflict that is between the three of us, but one tiny part of me was naive enough to believe that the love we share would be enough to keep us together forever.

"But...the cure. We're finally making progress finding it, you...you can't just walk away," Stefan says, attempting to find any reason he can to make sure she stays in our lives.

She nods. "And we'll still carry on with the plan. We'll get through dinner tomorrow, we'll kill Kol, we'll do everything we planned, but when we find it, I need to go my own way and you do, too."

I shake my head and meet her eyes. "What about what we want? Doesn't that count for anything?"

"I'm sorry," she says, her eyes glistening with tears. "I just can't bear to see this anymore. I can't stand hurting you and seeing how much this has come between you. What Stefan just did..." she shakes her head. "You're brothers. You love each other and you need each other. Nothing should come between that, especially not me."

Neither I or Stefan speak, because despite wanting to argue and fight against what she's saying, her words are too powerful to ignore. He meets my eyes and I know that there's an internal war going on within him, just as there is in me, because Elena's right. Stefan and I need each other and without Elena perhaps we could find some way to move past all the hurt we've caused each other and reach a good place, but neither one of us can envision a future that doesn't include her.

"So what...what do we do now?" I ask, afraid of the answer she will give.

"You two are going to sit down and talk, you're going to work things out without me and tomorrow you're going to come to Christmas dinner and then we'll find the cure and this will all be over."

Over? But I don't want it to be over.

She stands up and heads for the front door, and neither one of us stop her. We simply sit in stunned silence, still processing the events that have just unfolded and absorbing her words.

"She's right. Everything she said is right," Stefan says.

I exhale deeply and say, "I know," my hands on my head.

He sighs before getting up from the armchair and sitting beside me on the couch. "Will this ever end?"

"Nope," I reply.

"Well, at least you've managed to keep your promise to give me an eternity of misery."

I laugh lightly and I see a small smile on his face. We're doing what we always do when we don't know what to say, we're making light of the situation.

"Look, we've been through this before and worse, but somehow..."

"Somehow we always wind up back here together," I say finishing his sentence.

"You're my brother, Damon, and no matter how much I might hate you or how much of a dick you are, that's never gonna change. So we might not like it, but we're stuck with each other."

I nod. "And what about Elena?"

He sighs. "I guess we do what she says. We find the cure and then we...move on."

I scoff and ask, "And can you do that? Can you move on?"

He looks down at his hands for a few moments, and then looks back up to me. "I don't think I'll ever move on from her, but if that's what she wants, I have to at least try. We were both prepared to leave town a month ago in order to make sure she was happy."

"Yeah, but that was then," I say. "You know, I could always use the sire bond to make her change her mind."

Stefan raises his eyebrows and gives me a disapproving look.

"Kidding, kidding," I say holding up my hands, although part of me is deadly serious. "So what do we do if she changes her mind and she ends up choosing one of us?"

"You heard what she said, Damon."

"No, no, I did. But that's now. What about when she's taken the cure and she's human again and she's not sired to me anymore? Do you really think there's not even a teeny tiny possibility that she could change her mind?"

He furrows his brow and puts his hand to his head. "Well...I dunno. Yeah, I guess."

"So...what do we do if that happens?"

He looks up and meets my eyes. "If it happens, if, then we do what we said we'd do before."

"Loser leaves town," I say.

He sighs. "Not exactly the way I would put it, but yeah."

"You'd think that after 165 years we would've at least learned from our past mistakes."

He half scoffs and half laughs. "Yeah, well, maybe Elena was right about that, too. Maybe we can finally stop repeating history."

"I dunno. Something tells me that in another 165 years we'll still be finding something to fight about, even if it's not Elena."

"Yeah, you're probably right," he replies, with a small smile.

I look at him then, really look at him and despite being beaten to a pulp by him less than 15 minutes ago, I feel no resentment or hatred for him in this moment. Only pride, that even after everything we have been through we are still sitting side by side. I thought that our love for Elena is what united us, and in some ways it is, but now I realise that more than that it's the love we have for one another that unites us. That love is the reason why regardless of how much I hate him, I've never been able bring myself to kill him and why he gave up everything to leave town with Klaus just to save me and why today he didn't kill me, despite having every reason to. It's a love that neither one of us dare to admit aloud, but it exists and it is what enables us to continuously forgive each other, even when we don't deserve it.

"Drink?" I say, getting up from the couch and going over to the collection of bourbon bottles at the other side of the room.

Talking about my emotions has always been a drain on my energy, (which is why I usually avoid it) and I'm all maxed out. My head hurts, I'm exhausted and all I want is to sit and drink with my brother.

"Sure," he replies.

I pour two glasses, go back to him and hand him his glass.

"To not repeating history," I say raising my glass.

"To not repeating history," he repeats, reaching up and clinking his glass against mine.