"I know we all have to go through the Batcave someday when we die, but frankly, I was hoping to put it off for a good few more years," whispered Joker, as his ship sailed through the gaping, dark cave entrance in a bat shape that led to the underworld. "But in the end, there's no escaping Gotham."
"It's not so bad so far," said Rocco, trying to be optimistic. "Just dark…"
Suddenly, a loud growling noise emerged from the darkness, as a pair of red eyes opened and glared at them. "Oh no," gasped Rocco. "It's the Bat-dog."
"Nice poochie…" began Joker, holding out a hand, but quickly snatched it back as three giant dog heads appeared from the shadows, all snapping at it and barking loudly.
"Acerberus, down," commanded Wonder Woman, appearing in front of Joker with her shield drawn. "Let them pass."
The giant, three-headed dog growled, but fell back on its haunches in obedience. Its six red eyes still continued to glare at the ship as it sailed past them.
"Why is it called the Bat-dog when it has three heads?!" demanded Joker. "And why does it have three heads?!"
"It's called the Bat-dog because it's Batman's dog," retorted Wonder Woman. "As for the three heads, I have no idea. Maybe Batman bred him that way."
"I'm just saying, if you were a god like Batman is, which you are, you'd think you'd breed the Bat-dog to have batwings or something," snapped Joker. "This Batman's definitely missing a trick, and don't think I won't tell him that when I meet him."
"I would not do anything of the kind," said Wonder Woman. "Batman has no sense of humor. That's why Superman made him the God of Death and stuck him here in his own personal dark, depressing realm. The only thing that makes Batman even remotely happy is tormenting the souls sent to him – those stuck in between death and eternal peace, as your friend Harvey is, find their every effort foiled by the Batman. His pleasure is in disappointing the hopes of others, whatever they might be."
"Sounds like a real buzzkill," commented Joker. "What were you doing visiting him?"
Wonder Woman smiled. "He is also an excellent lover," she said. "And I am hoping my affair with him will anger Superman – he was my former lover until he spurned me for Lois of Troy, and now I am hoping to avenge myself upon him by making him jealous by becoming romantically involved with one of his biggest rivals. And trust me, he is very big."
"Ok, too much information," said Joker. "Who knew the Greeks invented soap operas too?" he muttered, to no one in particular.
The ship knocked against a shore, and they disembarked slowly to see a dark city sprawling out for miles ahead of them. They could see fires raging from somewhere far off, hundreds of bats flitting through the air, and thousands of gloomy, tormented-looking souls surrounding them, shuffling around with dead eyes and empty stares.
"How are we gonna find Harvey among all these dead people?" asked Joker.
"He's over there," said Wonder Woman, pointing to a figure who sat on the river's edge with his back to them. "Staring at his reflection."
"He's become a regular Narcissus after death, huh?" chuckled Joker, as he approached Harvey. "That was a funny joke if you know Greek mythology," he commented, again to no one in particular.
"Hiya, Harv! How's it…oh…wow…geez…uh…" stammered Joker slowly, as Harvey turned around to face him.
"It looks as bad as it feels, huh?" muttered Harvey, putting a hand up to touch his face. Half of it was his usual, handsome self, but half of it appeared to have been badly burned and horribly scarred.
"What in the underworld happened to you?" asked Joker.
Harvey smiled grimly. "This didn't happen in the underworld," he murmured. "It happened when I returned home from Troy. You remember I thought Grace was mad at me? Turns out I was right. Anyway, she wasn't just mad at me – she was planning to kill me with the help of her lover by throwing acid in my face. And they succeeded," he added. "But they didn't even perform the last rites on me – just threw my body into a ditch somewhere. So I can't ever be at peace, all because I made the mistake of falling in love with a horrible, treacherous, two-faced woman."
"Yeah, women, what are you gonna do?" asked Joker, forcing a smile. "Can't live with 'em, can't live…" He trailed off. "Anyway, don't you worry, Harv. I'll do these last rites for you."
"You're still alive?" asked Harvey, surprised. "I would have expected Aquaman to have killed you by now. And even if he didn't, I would have thought a similar thing would have happened to you on your return home."
"No, Harley's not an evil bitch," retorted Joker. "And anyway, I haven't got home to her yet."
"I'd definitely be expecting a similar reception from her when you get home, then," said Harvey.
"Actually, I'm sure she'll be overjoyed to see me," snapped Joker.
"She might pretend to be, and then kill you," muttered Harvey. "Women are all two-faced."
"Nah, you just got two-faces on the brain," said Joker, patting him on back. "In fact, I'm gonna nickname you that from now on. But Joker's here now, and he's gonna fix this. I'm gonna talk to Batman on your behalf, do this sacrifice thing for you, and get you crossing the River Styx to your eternal rest."
"Look, J, I really appreciate the offer, honestly," said Harvey. "But if you confront Batman, you're just going to be killed too. He's a monster with no pity and no mercy. And I'd feel guilty if I was in some way responsible for your death, and for depriving Harley of the pleasure of killing you."
"For the last time, she's not gonna kill me!" snapped Joker. "She's madly in love with me!"
"Maybe she was," agreed Harvey, nodding. "But women are incapable of maintaining those feelings. And after fifteen years of your absence, who can really blame her if she does move on?"
"What are you talking about, fifteen years?" demanded Joker. "I've only been gone ten and a bit…"
"No, I've been here for three years," said Harvey. "And the longer you remain here, the more time is passing."
"I'm afraid time has passed a little differently for you on Ivy's island," spoke up Wonder Woman. "And will pass differently here as well. Every hour you remain in the underworld will be a year in the mortal world."
"A year?" repeated Joker, incredulous. "You mean to tell me I've nearly been gone four more years at this point?"
"Yes," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "Soon to be five," she added.
"Oh my gods, they're probably wondering where on earth I could be back home!" exclaimed Joker. "Five years! They must have thought my ship crashed somehow, or that I'm stranded somewhere, or that…"
"You're dead," finished Harvey. "That's probably the most likely scenario in their minds, and the most likely scenario for the longer you remain here and wanna continue with this confronting Batman plan."
"No, the sooner I confront him, the sooner I can leave," muttered Joker. "And I'm not gonna waste another second, or day, or whatever that is in real time," he said, rounding on Wonder Woman. "Where is Batman?"
"Follow the sounds of the screams," said Wonder Woman, nodding out into the city. "And you'll find him."
"Don't forget the sacrifice, boss," said Rocco, handing him a box. "Good luck," he added.
Joker took a deep breath, and then headed away from the river and out into the eternal darkness of Gotham City.
…
"That's kinda a cool idea," commented Arleen, interrupting the story. "To think of Gotham City as being a place where people go when they die, like a kind of purgatory. What if that were true, and we're all actually dead? It would explain why everything is a never-ending, Sisyphean task here, and why you're doomed to repeat these endless cycles of crime and violence and fights with Batman."
"Spooky," agreed Joker, nodding. "But it's not true."
"How do you know?" asked J.J. "Philosophers have spent ages debating the nature of reality…"
"And they're idiots," finished Joker. "The truth is we're all characters in a story being written by someone else, and don't actually exist in reality at all. Now are you happy?"
"…no," said J.J., as he shared a worried look with his sister. "Just a little disturbed…"
"Fine, then I just made that up," said Joker. "Now can I get on with my story? You three feature next – we get to see how you're coping with my fifteen year absence. Lemme tell ya, Harley's got some suitors, because despite being middle-aged, as you can see, your mom is still a fox," he added, spanking Harley playfully.
"Thanks, puddin'," said Harley. "But those suitors must be pretty dumb to think I'd just get over my puddin', no matter how many years have passed."
"Oh, they're dumb all right," agreed Joker. "Let's meet them, shall we?"