Now for another installation of "things that happened to me recently that you probably don't care about". Thanks to my school I got to go to DIG London (a gaming conference in London, Ontario for those who don't know), saw a presentation from Bioware, watched part of a panel, pretended to be interested in the Windows phone, then ended up playing Melee in the main room for over two hours. Whoopsie.

Also, they were using the computer I use to showcase our school's video. Seeing as it lasted two days and I was only there for one, I had no computer at school today. Bah.

Anyway, I need to get back into the habit of writing these more regularly, otherwise gaps like this will occur more often, and that's no good. Today's mistake correctors get an imaginary copy of Disgaea 4 for the Game Boy Pocket. Only five copies, get them now!

Published November 17, 2011

Lava is Hot

"Look at all that natural beauty. The flowing lava, the shining rocks, the luminescent spirit so purely reflecting- WHO PUT THIS HERE?" Diababa latched onto the metal, handmade bridge that was probably built to allow easy crossing of the huge amounts of lava. "What is this thing doing?"

"It is a matter of convenience," Goht explained. "Would you like to walk through molten lava every time you want to go ten feet forward?"

A thud alerted the two to Link's plight. "Hot," he wheezed, twitching on the rock face. "Go on without me, I'm going back. So... hot..."

With a laugh, Diababa pulled him up by the head and plopped him down on his feet. The poor teen dropped as soon as he was up. "You just need to adapt. Maybe take off your hat, it looks a bit hot."

They moved forward through the mines, simply smashing through the complex system of fences and switches that tried to halt their progress. This almost caused another gargantuan eruption which would have decimated all life within a one hundred kilometre radius, but that's a story for another day. It did not take long to enter a more open, less human killing area of the mines. A series of metal pathways jerked around the crater erratically, but the centre of attention was the gigantic magnet hanging high above them. "That looks like it could come in handy," Midna commented, grinning at Link. "Imagine hanging from that thing by those boots of yours."

"NO."

-Meanwhile, at the conglomerate of evil-

Zant bowed his head before his master, taking in a deep breath in preparation for his report. "It appears Eldin province has also fallen from our control. Only Lanayru remains."

"Eldin too? What were those scouts doing, playing with themselves while those asshole wrecked everything? Get them in here!"

With a wave of his hand, Zant summoned the six moblins to the throne room. "Explain yourselves to your lord," the King of Twilight commanded, staring the cowering pigs down through his steel helm.

One slightly less cowardly mook stepped forward, clearing its throat. "Your excellence, we have a very valid reason for not being at the border to stop the invaders," it whimpered pathetically. "You see, that reason is, well, the others and I were, um, for a lack of better words, playing with ourselves for about three hours and by the time-"

A ball of dark energy blasted the moblin through a nearby window and into an innocent darknut. "Was he telling the truth?" the new king of Hyrule snarled at his subordinates.

They frantically nodded.

"For Din's sake... Do I need to castrate the lot of you so it will never happen again?"

"No sir!" one cried out. "I like having my ding-dong, please don't cut it off..."

"That's what I thought. Now get out of here or I'll blow up a different head!" The five scurried away, tripping over each other until they were out of sight.

Zant sighed as the door slammed shut. "Idiots. If I may inquire, why didn't you kill any of them?"

"I'll just appoint the lot to the suicide squad. That way their desiccated corpses will actually provide some use."

"Ah, clever."

"It's a practiced art. I'm had time to refine my methods. Now how about a nice slice of cake, eh?"

"My answer stays the same."

-A few metres above the lava-

Link screamed as the thin rock he was latched onto teetered dangerously, rocking as though undecided on which path it would take to fall into the fiery ooze below. "Stay completely still," Diababa commanded from across the lava lake, frantically searching for some way to reach her friend.

Beside her, Goht frowned. "If only there was some sort of metallic, unnaturally placed platform we could walk across to reach his side."

"Listen, if I wanted to let those filthy pieces of crap solve our problems then I wouldn't have smashed it while he was out there to begin with!"

"SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? WAIT, DON'T ANSWER, HEEEEELP!"

"You should try to long jump this."

"NO!"

After Link's miraculous escape, they moved on. The group performed some strategic platforming which brought Link within inches of having his face burned off, finding they found a small, cosy room containing a very old Goron when they were done. "What are you doing in here?" Link asked him.

"I eat other Gorons!" the elder replied with a smile. "You must be here to free Darbus. Here you go!" He handed the confused and disgusted Link part of a key. "Get all three and you can get to the place we left him chained up. He's tasty!"

But they were already gone.

-Later-

Link sighed in contentment, so glad that the last few rooms had been absent of searing lava. It was simply dark caves faintly lit by torchlight, populated by the occasional fire monster, giant centipede, and Ooccoo. Wait, Ooccoo? Didn't they kill her?

"Hello hello again! It's Ooccoo here to help you again."

Link pressed himself against the wall, pointing a shaky finger at the chicken person. "But, you, how, dead, fishy, dead, torn, how, WHAT?"

"I detect an increase in stress levels," their female bull analyzed.

"NO SHIT."

Ooccoo hopped in place, laughing jovially at his fear. "No no no, I cannot die until my mission is complete. And my mission is to help you."

"AH!" Link punted the chicken. She rebounded off of the roof and was sent spiralling into a lava pit, boiling in seconds.

His companions were a bit shocked to say the least. "Dude, you just murdered that thing," Diababa gasped. "It was sentient too!"

"It had to be a zombie!" the not-hero screamed, arms and legs shaking like a fly stuck in a spider web. "Gyorg killed that thing, I know he did! It can't be alive!"

"Chances of survival after being submerged in lava: zero," Goht stated.

"Absolute zero," Diababa added.

"Absolute zero is a theoretical measurement of temperature and not a numeric value."

"Bite me."

Midna sat on Link's head, watching them bicker. "As funny as watching them go at it like an old married couple is now, I get the feeling that the novelty will wear off soon. You should bridge the gap."

He tilted his head back, tipping her off. "I don't quite feel like jumping across the flaming rope bridge today."

Goht and Diababa continued to debate. "Your argument is flawed," the machine said. "How will trees save Christmas?"

"They're TREES, that's how!"

The tunnel looped around, bringing the ensemble back to the mountain crater. Diababa swept a few random Bokoblins into the lava, noticing that they were guarding some sort of switch. "Look up," Majora said specifically in Midna's head. The twili did so, a mischievous thought weaving into her mind.

"Link, press the switch." Shrugging, he pressed his foot down on it to no avail. "You'll have to use the iron boots." He slipped them on and clambered onto the button.

The magnet above him activated, sucking the poor teenager feet first to its surface. It began to move, circling the room at a steady pace. Naturally, Link reacted quite well to this sudden shift. "AHHHH! HELP! MIDNA YOU BITCH, I WILL SHANK YOU!" Midna and Majora were busy laughing.

The magnet slowly dragged Link over the open lava, stopping as if to torture the poor boy. He clung to his iron boots and closed his eyes, shouting even more obscenities at the others. The magnet moved again, stopping over top of a new area. "Now's your chance," Midna said, floating next to him. "You can drop down safely here."

"IT'S AT LEAST FIFTY FEET DOWN! THAT'S NOT SAFE!"

"This is the part where you fall."

As if pushed by an unseen force, Link's iron boots slipped off of the magnet and he plummeted to the hard steel below. There was plenty of screaming. It sounded like this: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-" Impact cut him off.

Midna went airborne, returning to the plant and machine. "Your turns."

"Denied." Goht's eyes glowed bright red. "My circuitry does not react well to magnetic fields. Errors are ninety-four percent likely to immediately occur."

Despite her protests, Diababa laughed and shoved Goht under the rotating magnet, grabbing onto her leg. "Don't worry, you'll be fine." They were pulled up.

"ZZZZUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGG. EERrorrorororororor five million million million and sixty-MILLION. WONDERBREAD. WONDERBREAD. WONDERBREAD. I AM MEGATRON, YOU WILL ALL BOW BEFORE MY WILL, INFERIOR BEINGS." They dropped down on the other side.

Then they had to use the second one.

"HUMAN WHELP, HOW DARE YOU LAY YOUR INFERIOR HANDS ON ME? I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, THE MIDDLE AND THE INTERMISSION. ALL WHO SEE MY HANDS TURN TO SULPHUR."

-A few rooms later-

"Mm, hello there kiddies," the next Goron elder greeted, bowing his head respectfully. "What brings you so deep into our mines?"

"CONQUER. DESTROY. ALL LIFE SHALL BE UNDONE AND RECREATED IN MY IMAGE."

Everyone stepped away from Goht. "Ignore her," Link said. "There were some issues with magnets. We think it'll wear off eventually. In the meantime, we're here to get to Darbus and I think you have part of a key we'll need." He crossed his fingers that this Goron would be normal.

"Mmmm..." The Goron elder hobbled over to a nearby chest, pulling various items out of it. "Of course I do, of course! Here you go." They received the second part of the key. "Oh, that reminds me. The path to the last elder is extremely dangerous, so you might want to get this one sacred whatsit we hid somewhere that will really help. Tell the guard that you're allowed to have it."

"Get a something from somewhere," Majora summarized. "Got it."

"It's good that you do, disembodied voice. Well, you'd all best be off!"

Link froze. "Wait, you heard that too?"

The elder threw his head back, wheezing in a manner similar to laughter. "Of course I did! I'm old, blind, and no longer in control of my colon, but I'm not deaf."

"What's a colon?" Diababa asked, tilting all her heads and staring at Link questioningly.

"We're leaving now."

Having never received directions from the elder, the group wandered the mines aimlessly for about twenty minutes, eventually stumbling upon an enormous arena. A large, magnetic floor was suspended above a pit of lava by four flimsy chains. In the middle of the arena was a giant Goron, various pieces of metal and machinery melded to his body to form a twisted bulk of rock and steel. "Who're you?" the Goron demanded.

Midna popped out of Link's shadow. "Hi, we're local adventurers sent in to help Darbus. We've been told to get some sort of treasure and your cooperation would be appreciated."

Dangoro smashed himself over the head with a chunk of metal. "I dunno... Aren't you a human?"

"Hylian, actually."

"Oh, okay. The treasure's right behind me."

Link walked around Dangoro, finding a treasure chest perched in an alcove. "Why does everyone put their things in chests? What happened to shelves or pedestals?" Opening it, he retrieved the Hero's Bow.

"The pride of our people," Dangoro proclaimed, wiping a tear from his eye. "So beautiful..."

But Link was not impressed. "A wooden bow, really? I could have fletched this thing myself! We went through all this to get something I've made for fun in my spare time?"

Dangoro let out a booming laugh, grabbing his stomach. "And why are all the Gorons laughing at me today?"

"It's not just any bow, silly Hylian. The string was strung from the skin of a great hero!"

Link dropped the bow, barely stopping himself from shoving his palms in the lava. "WHAT?"

"That's hilarious!" Majora cackled, shaking around in Link's pack. "I like you people."

Dangoro hit himself over the head again. "We like ourselves too."

With that incident out of the way, Link could use his new bow to help them make even faster progress. At least he would be using it if it wasn't for the horrific secret that prevented him from even touching it. "Someone else can use it, but I am not holding that thing!"

"If it's useful, why not use it?" Diababa asked, fiddling with the bow using her bulbous 'hands'. "Your moral system is weird. Besides, maybe this hero willingly donated his skin for the bow."

"I doubt that."

"YOUR FLESH WILL BE MY CLOTHING, YOUR BONES MY WEAPONS, YOUR BLOOD MY AFTERNOON TEA."

She was making him uncomfortable. "Thank you Goht."

After dealing with a few angry Beamos Statues ("HOW DO THESE THINGS SHOOT LASERS?"), it barely took any time to find the final Goron elder hidden in a hole somewhere.

"Hello, I am the second Goron elder!" the shrivelled rock man exclaimed.

Link knew this was destined to go badly. Not a single cell in his body said otherwise, and yet, he knew that if someone had to do this it would be him. Taking a breath and ignoring Majora's cackling, he stepped forward. "Actually, you're the third elder we've run into."

"Fourth if you count the guy outside," the mask piped in.

"Yes, thank you."

The Goron elder was shocked, eyes wide and jaw almost dropping to the floor. "But, but, I'm the second! Why didn't you come to me earlier?"

"The hell's wrong with your jaw?"

"We didn't exactly have a set order in mind," Midna commented offhandedly. "Kinda just found you guys one by one and rolled with it."

"But I'm the second!" the elder insisted, somehow ignoring the fact that he was primarily debating a sentient mask and an otherworldly shadow. "Those others are in no way second or even third material. This is heresy I say, heresy!"

Link sighed to himself. "Can we move on?"

"No! I must-"

"YOU WILL RELINQUISH THE KEY OR BE OBLITERATED."

"Fine, fine, no need to get all obliterwhatsit." The elder handed him the final part of the key. "Now help our patriarch!"

Link held out all the key parts, staring down at them. "Do you have any adhesives?" The elder took the sections and shoved them in his mouth, moving them around for a second before spitting a completed key into Link's hands. "How the hell did that work?"

The old rock winked. "Secret Goron secret."

-After much more aimless wandering-

The assembled anti-heroes stood before the final door, already feeling the heat emanating from the beast behind it. Knowing it would be in his best interests to face this destiny of his own will, Link stepped forward and pushed the key into the great padlock. The second he twisted it dropped to the floor, chains sliding down with it. Diababa performed the honours of opening the door.

In the centre of the magnificent room was their goal, the warped Darbus. He had become an enormous monster, yanking at his chains and roaring constantly. An intense coat of flames blanketed his body, intensifying with every roar.

"FYRUS BREAK TINY METAL HOOPS!"

Fyrus
Twilit Igniter
Likes: Political drama
Dislikes: Mind games
Greatest Accomplishment: Ate a rock the size of his head without chewing

Link just sighed. "Oh great, a dialogue quirk. That's original."

-Meanwhile-

"I, BARINADE, suddenly feel the need to defend my claim to fame!"

"We know you're fucking Barinade," his red fairy companion snapped. "Now shut up about it!"

"It's useless, trying to convince that one."

"That's because you're not forward enough ya ugly motherfucker. Just punch him in the throat every time he talks like that. Problem solved. In fact, we're initiating this program right now. Hear that Bari?"

"BARINADE understands but is unlikely to abide your pathetic attempts to cage him. NONE CAN STOP THE MIGHTY BARINADE!" Barinade smacked the red Twinmold when he attempted to follow through on his program. "I... AM... BARRICADE! Wait, NO! FUCK."

-With that pointless cameo out of the way-

"Oh? Fluffy, do we have visitors? You should have called me."

A serpentine dragon circled down a nearby column, his skin like lava and his mane quite literally made of fire. His tongue flicked his lips as the dragon took in the new company. The beast's eyes widened. "Link? No, you can't be him, especially since your head is still in one piece. Who are you?"

"Um... I'm Link."

Volvagia blinked.

"Probably not the one you're thinking of."

"Ah, of course, that was stupid of me. Is that you, Goht? I haven't seen you in years. How've you been?"

A spark shot from Goht's head. "ALL LIFE SHALL BOW AT MY TOES OR I WILL EAT THEIR SPINES THROUGH A STRAW. I AM THE ALMIGHTY, THE ALL-KNOWING, THE ALPHA WHO WILL SEE TO IT THAT THE LOT OF YOU BURNS IN HELL. I AM MEGATRON."

Volvagia was understandably confused. "Did someone download again or am I missing something?"

"Magnets!" Diababa proudly exclaimed.

"...Ah. Magnets. Right. Who are you?"

"I'm Diababa, nice to meet you," the amalgamation between flora and fauna said, nodding her head kindly. "I'd kiss you but you look like I'd get set on fire due to proximity."

"...All right then." The dragon fully descended down the pillar, eyes darting between each member of their group. "So you're a different Link, you're Diababa, and Goht is insane. Is that everyone?"

Midna pulled herself up, lying down in midair. "Nope, of course not! Name's Midna. And you are?"

"Volvagia."

"Don't forget moi, friend."

"Hello mask," the dragon hissed. "Still getting around I see."

"The best in the business. So what have you been up to, buddy ol' pal?"

Volvagia's eyebrow twitched violently. "Where is that mask so I can set it on fire and laugh as it burns?"

"Oh, I'm inside Link. You'll need to kill him to get to me."

"WHAT?" Link darted behind Diababa. "LIES! IT'S LYING, DON'T KILL ME!"

"FYRUS WANT TO SEE MINISCULE HUMANOID ELF GO BURNING, HAHAHAHAHA!"

Volvagia retreated to his column, wrapping around it lazily. "I'm not that stupid. Its time will come. But for now, why are you here? I assume it has to do with Fluffy seeing as not even the Gorons know I'm here."

"FLUFFY- I mean FYRUS BREAK EVERYTHING INDISCRIMINATELY! Fyrus no like when he makes typo with words..."

"Fluffy?" Midna repeated disbelievingly. "That title thing said his name was Fyrus."

"I call him Fluffy. I think it's more suitable," Vovagia hissed, chuckling lightly.

Arguing wouldn't serve her any point. "Whatever. Yeah, we're here to get the Fused Shadow off of him. Any idea where it is?"

With another roar, Fyrus ripped one of the chains out of the opposite wall. Using this free hand, he yanked the other out, soon liberating his legs as well. Volvagia rolled his eyes. "No idea, but feel free to ask him. He's got nothing better to do."

"FYRUS CRUSH ALL OF YOU! RRRAAAAAAAHHHH!" The beast slashed his arm through the air, the chain whirling toward Link.

-And now for something completely the same: another group of idiots-

Barinade poked Bongo Bongo on the shoulder with his hammer. Bongo Bongo sent him a glare, but gestured to continue. "BONGO BONGO, I, BARINADE, wish to know what one of those monsters is. It looks like it's related to you."

A horde of Shadow Beasts was slowly approaching the four of them. "No."

"The fuck are those things?" the red Twinmold scoffed. "Their hands are gigantic, it's sickening."

His blue sibling placed a hand on the red one's shoulder. "Brother, are you still going on about your hands? It's been over a century. Let it go..."

"NO!" Twinmold kicked Twinmold away, curling into a midair fetal position. "They're wretched and a bastardization of everything I stand for. I WANT MY SEGMENTS BACK!"

Bongo Bongo was already approaching the beings of twilight. "Hi, I'm here to represent my incompetent allies. Who are you all?"

"We're soldiers of the King of Twilight," the leading Shadow Beast answered with a thick New Zealand accent. "Here to provide an additional foothold in the region, ya see. Hope you don't mind."

"Be my guest. Just don't bug me."

"Can do. We live to serve."