Kaitlyn looked up as her partner sauntered into the Response Centre. "You look pleased with yourself."

"Hmm?" Selene glanced across at her. "No, just feeling, ah…"

"Well-fed?" Kaitlyn pushed off the console with both feet, setting her Galactic Tyrant-brand Executive Pivoting Helium-Cushioned Mobile Throne of Glory rolling across the floor. "You've got red on you," she said, pointing as the chair came to a halt in front of the vampire.

Selene rolled her eyes and pulled out a tissue to dab at her cheek. "Thanks. You know how it is when you change forms."

"Oddly enough, no. A bit to the left." Kaitlyn watched her for a moment, then nodded. "That's it. So how was the pack?"

"There's a bit of tension between them and Alice's herd," Selene reported, "but roman's keeping a lid on it. ceaser hasn't - heh - ceased to cause trouble, but weirdly enough one of the Sparklewolves - Edword - has turned out to be quite the persuasive speaker, and he's helping her keep things in line."

Kaitlyn shook her head. "Do you even listen to yourself? Edword is a persuasive speaker… and you're surprised by that?"

"He's still a mini-Sparklewolf," Selene said. "Be honest - out of a pack of mini-Capitoline Wolves, Children of the Night, Sparklewolves and non-mini snow wolves, which would you expect to-?"

[BEEP!]

"Whoops!" Kaitlyn kicked off the floor, sending herself spinning back to the console, and slapped the alarm off. "And we have… a Skulduggery Pleasant mission. Ever heard of it?"

"Mm… vaguely." Selene frowned as she crossed the room. "It's got undead in it - that's why I know it. And wizards, I think."

"That's what it says here." Kaitlyn was typing away furiously, pulling information off the 'net. "Skeleton wizard, teenage girl, about a million and one magical creatures… I mean, this is a really complex 'verse to send us into."

"It would be, yes." Selene leant past her and ran a finger down the screen. "But the Spies say the fic doesn't bear more than a passing resemblance to the canon, so we should be fine."

"I hope so." Kaitlyn ducked down and fished through the cupboard under the console. "Where's the… aha." She flourished a battered looking smartphone and pointed it at the screen. "Computer: upload canon database."

Selene blinked. "Does that work?"

"Nope!" Kaitlyn tapped on the phone, working through the transfer process. "But it was fun. Have you set the disguises yet?"

"... you told me never to touch the disguise settings on pain of Morris dancing."

"Selene," Kaitlyn said, not looking up, "that was yesterday. Now it's today. Try to keep up."

Skulduggery P.O.V

I stood in front of my 1954 Bentley R-Type continental one of the 208 ever made. It housed a Six cylinder, 4.5-litre engine. I loved my car but not as much as I loved my partner and sidekick.

Kaitlyn clapped both hands over her mouth, smothering a squeal. "What is that?"

Selene gave her a bewildered look, and pressed her hand to the car they were kneeling behind. "Apparently it's a 1954 Bentley Continental-"

Kaitlyn rolled her eyes. "Not that." She pointed at the dog-sized creature crouched next to the car. "That!"

Selene checked the Words. "It's a POV," she said. "One of the capitalised ones. Look, it's spotted, because the fic uses periods in the-"

"It's adorable!" Kaitlyn hissed. "It's like a giant floofy hedgehog, it's amazing!" She knelt down and held out her arms to the POV. "C'mere, lovely, come to Kaitlyn."

The POV snrfed and scampered towards her. Selene watched it warily. "I'm not sure you should encourage it."

"Oh, you're just a grump," Kaitlyn said, not even looking up. "Come on, that's right, come and- hey! You give that back!"

The POV scampered down to the far end of the car, carrying Kaitlyn's silver pen in its teeth, and snrfed at her in amusement. Selene folded her arms and glowered at it.

"Told you so," she said. "That's a Skulduggery P.O.V, it was bound to be a devious little buz-napper."

Kaitlyn pouted and got to her feet. "It's still cute. What've I missed?"

Selene waved one hand in the direction of the two protagonists. "Skulduggery and Valkyrie. He thinks she's pretty. He's also a walking skeleton."

"Huh." Kaitlyn studied the couple. "Seems likely to put a damper on their love life."

I tapped the signals on my collar bone and a fresh face appeared on my face, I leaned in a kissed her.

"... okay, so I take it back." She reached for her phone. "That's actually pretty creepy, I wonder if-"

Valkyries P.O.V

"Eee!" The phone clattered to the ground, and Kaitlyn had to cover her mouth again. "Those are even cuter!"

Selene gave the flock of rabbit-sized POVs a distinctly dubious look, which they returned from under their winged helmets. "POV valkyries," she muttered. "Just perfect."

"Perfectly adorable," Kaitlyn said, three of them already in her arms. "They're the snrfiest Choosers of the Slain evah."

Selene sighed. "You really need-"

A spatial warp coalesced around them as a badly-handled scene transition flung the story to an ill-defined pier. Selene had to grab hold of the Bentley for support, while Kaitlyn tumbled face-first into a heap of POVs - not that she minded. "They're so snuggly and waaarm…"

Ignoring her partner, Selene peered over the car. "They're talking," she reported. "Keep it down so I can hear what they're saying."

"Snrf!"

The vampire looked down at Skulduggery P.O.V, which had settled in against her leg. "You keep it down too," she chided. "And don't think you can get away with-"

Another dislocation swept over them, and a second dog-sized POV appeared. This one had a plumed hat, and its shoulders were patterned with something that looked for all the world like epaulettes.

"Snrf!" it said authoritatively. "Snrf snrf!"

The valkyrie POVs swarmed away from the disappointed Kaitlyn, gathering around the newcomer. Skulduggery P.O.V looked over disdainfully, then peered up at Selene. "Snrf?"

"Don't look at me," the vampire said. "That's General P.O.V; I'm pretty sure it outranks you, even if," a milder dislocation swept across them, one that felt distinctly unsure of itself, "even if you've been named twice now."

"Snrf," the POV scolded, but Selene wasn't paying attention any more.

"Hey, Kaitlyn," she said, waving at her partner. "Can you kiss someone with your teeth?"

"That's called biting," her partner said. "It's like kissing, only there's a winner."

"Don't steal lines, you'll get us reported for plagiarism." Selene looked across the vaguely-defined space - the fic couldn't decide whether it was still supposed to be on the pier - to where Skulduggery ("Not you," she muttered to the POV) was attempting to get through an entire song in a single breath. "And that's why you don't drop a line like 'I sang Me And Mrs Jones. our song.' in the middle of a paragraph."

Kaitlyn didn't reply. Selene sighed and glanced down at the POV again. "This is why I don't let her use Hobbit disguises, you know," she told it. "She'd just get distracted by all the cuteness."

Skulduggery P.O.V. gave her a serious look. "Snrf." Then it turned around twice and scurried away.

"And I'm talking to Cute Animal Friends." The vampire rubbed her forehead with one hand. "What would Dafydd think of me?"

Over on what might or might not have been a bed, Valkyrie went from being asleep to being deeper asleep. A mild timeslip caught the fic up, carrying it through to the next chapter.

Selene walked across the vaguely-defined-but-probably-a-bedroom-now room and sat down in front of Kaitlyn. "You need to focus," she said.

"I am," Kaitlyn said, holding up an armful of valkyrie POVs for her inspection. "The general is getting the skulduggery POV under control, so I'm keeping track of the valkyries. I think there's more of them now; it's hard to count when they're all so incredibly cuddly."

Selene took a deep breath, let it hiss out between her fangs. "Kaitlyn," she said, "we actually have a job here, remember?"

Her partner frowned, and her answer came slowly. "It's not POVs, is it?"

"No," Selene agreed, "it's not."

Kaitlyn carefully set the valkyrie POVs down, one by one. "It's a PPC mission, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is."

Kaitlyn sucked on her lower lip. "We don't actually have any charges yet, do we?"

"No." Selene reached back and snagged the pen from Skulduggery P.O.V, tossed it to her partner. "So what do you say we get started?"

"Okay." Kaitlyn nodded, dislodged a POV that was trying to climb onto her leg, and delved into her pack for her notebook. "Okay. Um… what's happened so far?"

Selene glanced up at the Words flitting their way through the misty ceiling. "Skulduggery Pleas-"

"Hang on a tic." Kaitlyn leant to the side, looking past her. "General?"

"Snrf?"

"Keep them under control, please, I'm going to be busy." She beamed at her partner, nodded. "Right: go."

"Skulduggery Pleasant," Selene repeated forcefully, "a skeleton wizard, is reportedly in love with his 25-year-old companion Valkyrie. He expresses this in roughly the manner of a fourteen-year-old, which is about the level of her response. He can tap his collar and grow a face in order to kiss her, which might actually be a canon ability." She peered past the ill-defined furniture. "And now he's, uh… performing involuntary light bondage on her or something?"

"Silly Selene." Kaitlyn pointed up at the mist-shrouded Words. "That's an aisling catcher. It's like a dreamcatcher, but it works."

"Huh." Selene looked over again. "That's… actually a decent line."

"Even a badfic is allowed one or two." Kaitlyn drummed her fingers on her leg. "Right, so other than generalised bad writing, we're charging for the teeth-kissing thing, and completely failing to define the space the story's taking place in. Oops, duck!"

The agents watched as Valkyrie leapt from the amorphous bed and raced past them, Skulduggery close behind. "We'll get after them in a minute," Selene said. "So… writing, teeth, vagueness. And creating all the POVs, of course."

"Selene Morgana Lilith Perdita X Windflower!" Kaitlyn reached out and gathered the nearest POV into her arms. "The cuddlies are not a charge; they are a gift!"

"... sure, but they're also a charge."

Kaitlyn sighed and let the creature go. "I suppose. But not as big a charge as…" She squinted up at the Words, which were currently describing the canon characters' breakfast. "... um, being incredibly boring?" She slapped a hand over her mouth. "Sorry, that was mean."

"But accurate." Selene got to her feet, ignoring Skulduggery P.O.V headbutting her leg. "This entire chapter is incredibly generic; it doesn't tell you anything about the characters we're watching. I mean, they're down there endlessly discussing their breakfast - what sort of person would write a fanfic about pancakes?"

Kaitlyn frowned and shot her partner a look. "Er, you remember who's…?" She made a gesture in the air, miming someone holding a pen and writing rapidly.

Selene folded her arms. "I stand by what I said. Just because he's-"

"Selene!" Kaitlyn's eyes widened. "Don't say the A word!"

"-doing… that… doesn't mean baked goods are a good basis for a fic."

The other agent chuckled and nodded. "That's right. If I went around claiming I was a writer just because some hot canon lobbed a chocolate crêpe at me, they'd lock me up!"

Her partner stared at her. "... what?"

"Um, sorry; weren't we doing a Monty Python skit?" Kaitlyn waved a hand through the air, dismissing the conversation. "So does the fic ever go beyond simply dull? Because I'm not sure what we'd do with it at this point."

"Am I the only person who reads the Words?" Selene demanded. "All right, all right… the next chapter has another character show up and claim to be pregnant, the fourth has some uncanonical magic and a pizza… oh, it looks like we have OCs in Chapter 5. And… hmm."

"'Hmm' sounds good." Kaitlyn beckoned to the POVs, and General P.O.V prodded the valkyries into something resembling a line. "Shall we?"

Selene was still studying the Words. "I think… I think we might need backup on this," she said slowly. "We've got the OCs, who I'm pretty sure need to die, but there's also the pregnancy to deal with, and a character kidnapped from another 'verse… looks like Valkyrie and 'Kelly', whoever that is, nearly get killed, too..."

"'Hmm' indeed." Kaitlyn frowned down at the floor, and then a smile blossomed on her face. "Give me a minute or two," she said, reaching for her phone. "I know just who to call."

"... so then Kayleigh leapt out in front of Gunner, yelling 'Tackle!', but he dodged past her and went for Merelette again. And that was when Meg Thornton - the Meg Thornton! - appeared out of thin air in front of him. 'I am a servant of the Lightning Bolt', she proclaimed, 'wielder of the Right of Despatch; the Dark Uncanon will not avail you, Gunner the Suvian!' And Gunner just recoiled, and Selene dove in-"

"Kaitlyn, what are you doing?"

Kaitlyn looked up from the circle of POVs, who were staring up at her open-mouthed. "I'm just filling the General and his tribe in on how the mission ended," she said. "I feel bad that they had to miss out."

Standing next to roman the mini-Capitoline Wolf, Selene tilted her head in bewilderment. "But… none of that happened," she said. "Kayleigh and Salamander were off dealing with Tanith's baby, and Despatch weren't even there - we wouldn't call them in for an Implausible Crossover."

"Selene!" Kaitlyn looked affronted. "You're ruining my story! What, you want me to say that you pinned the Suvians down easily, some Untangler whose name I didn't even catch popped in to pick up Amber, and Merelette took Valkyrie and Kelly off to DAVD Medical without any difficulty?"

Selene nodded slowly. "It does have the advantage of being what happened."

"But it's so boring!" Kaitlyn tossed her hair dramatically, then turned back to her audience. "So there she was, latched onto Gunner's neck, draining him dry, when out of nowhere Rayne appeared! Let me tell you, if it hadn't been for Salamander crashing the Bentley through the side of the building and taking her out, it would've been curtains for Selene right there and then…"

Selene rolled her eyes. "What a gilflurt," she muttered. "Sorry, roman. Where was I? Oh, yes - we know it's been a bit of a rough week here, but we're sure that you'll be able to sort things out with the General… no, I know we did, and I'll make sure it doesn't happen again…"

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Skulduggery Pleasant belongs to Derek Landy. Dead love belongs to pleasantskull, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmUndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

SturmUndSquee's Author's Note: With suitably ironic 'thanks' to Scapegrace for pointing me at a canon I've never even heard of.

I stand by my conviction that no sensible person would write a fanfic about pancakes. Ahem.

General P.O.V.'s army are now resident in the Courtyard, and consist of:

-General P.O.V.

-Skulduggery P.O.V.

-An unspecified number of POV valkyries, AKA the Snrfers of the Slain/Choosers of the Snrf.

Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism

I have often said that any story can be written. If you try hard enough, you can justify anything - even something as outlandish as the cast of Skulduggery Pleasant all winding up in happy, stable relationships.

But that's the thing: you have to justify it. Skulduggery and Valkyrie are not characters who would naturally end up in this relationship, and so the story needs to show how they became that way. The same goes, double, for how Tanith ended up friendly and pregnant. It can happen - if it's justified by the story.

Sadly, in this story, it isn't. I understand the impulse to simply write a happy relationship for your favourite characters - but it simply doesn't do them justice.