Title: My Soul To Keep
Part Eleven: No Sleep Tonight
Author: Roguie/ SunSpecOps/ Danae Bowen
Fandom: Eureka
Genre: Romance, Hurt/Comfort
Characters: Jo/Zane, ensemble.
Rating: T… with a strong "ish".
Spoilers: Everything up to I'll Be Seeing You
Summary: When a random experiment goes horribly awry, Jo is caught in the center. When fate altered her life the last time, a small piece of her had died. When her friends conspire to fix what had broken, can her heart handle it a second time around? Entirely AU after IBSY.
Disclaimer: Eureka obviously doesn't belong to me, I just like to borrow the characters and mutate their inner voices. Please don't sue; my house is small, my car is useless and my dogs are pains in the arse, but they're all I have.
A/N: For my "friendly neighbourhood nags" (loved that btw) questioning when I'm posting, I figured I'd put all your minds to rest – on paper this fiction is written, the word Fin has been added to the last sentence, so there is no chance anyone will be left without resolution… as a matter of fact, I'm working on a Addendum to the fiction, just because when I finished this, I found myself really lost. So, yeah, I'm just dragging it out now because once the last chapter is posted, it's really going to be over, and I loved writing this story. :/ For those wondering, there are two parts to follow this one. The addendum will be posted separately at a later point. And those of you who were waiting but said nothing can thank the lovely prodders for this part being posted today… lol… I type quickly when there are pitchforks involved. :P~
A/N2: Reviews inspire my muse; I find Jo and Zane like a drug to her, but if they're the drug, reviews are the devil's whisper putting that needle in her arm. Please don't leave me hanging, and I promise in return that I won't leave you hanging.
~~~E~~~
She knew something was incredibly wrong. Zane, who always held her gaze, stared down at his food as though it were the most interesting experiment at Global Dynamics. His teeth were ground tightly together, every time his PDA beeped, he jumped. Worse yet, SARAH had tried to deny him entrance when he'd come over after a long day spent at Global. Jo had to blatantly order SARAH to open the door, arguing with the AI for more than five minutes before the bunker door finally swung inwards and the house went silent.
"Wow, really, just tell me."
Jo spoke into the silence, finally drawing Zane's uneasy gaze to her own. It was then that she noticed the stark terror that sparked in his eyes, held in check by his stoic expression. Her teeth clicked together with an audible snap and her expression changed from one of annoyance to one of uncertainty.
"Zane?"
"Yep." He nodded, something unreadable twisting his lips into a curve that was far less than a smile. "Zane Donovan. I'd like to say always have been, always will be, but you know us geniuses, someone always pushes the big red button."
She swallowed nervously, fingers twisting her fork, resisting the almost overwhelming urge to make him stop talking. The depths of sorrow lining his face, however, stopped her from running. He needed to tell her before it ate away what was left of his soul. "This is going to hurt, isn't it?"
He nodded slowly. "I need you to know that I'm a selfish jackass, and when this dropped in my lap, yes, it was just an opportunity to get the answers I'd been looking for. I also need you to know that it stopped being that almost immediately. It became a way to see what we could've been, or once were, or whatever the best way of saying it is, and yes, I'm sorry for the underhanded shit I pulled, but I'm not sorry for a single other second of the last few weeks."
Jo got to her feet and moved away from the table, curling up into the corner of the sofa, bringing her knees up under her chin. She eyed him warily, the nail of one thumb invariably finding its way between her teeth.
"I'm going to do the same for you that Carter did for me. I'm going to tell you a story that you're going to recognize, but things won't be quite what you remember. You'll listen, and when it's over, you'll understand."
He moved from the table, pacing the kitchen as he gathered his words. Jo saw the exact moment his heart broke in his clear blue eyes and her breath caught in her throat, heart pounding as she struggled to draw in air past the lump choking her painfully. This path they were facing was set in stone now, and there was no way to turn back. They could only move forward.
"It's hard on a single mom to raise a little boy, especially one as smart and hurt as I was. If you haven't noticed, the most important person in my world is me and I've lived by that since I was ten. We had the police, FBI, everyone at my house repeatedly; over and over again my mom begged for a chance for me, but I thought it was fun. One big giant fuck you to the world that let my dad walk away, that made my mom work two jobs to get us by." He looked down at his hands, sighing softly. "I ruin everything if it doesn't go my way. When I was arrested the last time, that was it. Mom couldn't fight for me anymore and to be honest? I really didn't want her to." He shrugged. "So, I sat in federal prison, expecting to rot, and instead this giant company in this tiny town in the middle of Oregon says, hey, come work for us. Not only will we pay you a ridiculous amount of money, but you get a free pass out of this hole. Of course I said, hell, yeah, sign me up, but who knew that meant mucus labs and Parish's NDWs? Where's the fun in that?" This time when his voice lowered, his gentle tone was filled with reverence and held her gaze firmly, making sure she could read the honesty in his eyes. "There was one very good part about coming to Eureka, though." He flashed her a small grin. "See, there's this absolutely gorgeous chick that's in charge of security at the company I work for. She has these beautiful brown eyes that promise forever when she looks at you. Her lips, oh my god, a guy couldn't look at those lips without dreaming of the ways she could devour him." His grin grew wider as a glowing blush spread across her olive skin. "And her skin, you could run your fingers down it every minute of every day and never find a flaw. Get what I'm saying?"
Even through her fierce blush, she grinned, cocking her head to the side. "That your little brain was out thinking your big brain, hmm?"
He echoed her grin, but this time his eyes were tinged with sadness. "Yep, and I blew it, huge. She wouldn't even give me the time of day, much less let me touch her. So, I started behaving…"
"Like a jackass?"
His eyes narrowed into a glare and she giggled, even through the heaviness in her heart. "Like a wounded child. I spent years doing the equivalent of pulling her pigtails. Stupid shit. Not enough to get me sent back, but just enough to keep me in her mind." This time when he shrugged, his voice turned wistful; at the confused look on her face, the frown tugging down her lips, he pressed forward quickly, not giving her a chance to ask questions. "Only her eyes stopped promising forever really quickly, and instead started promising the business end of her taser. Don't get me wrong, the first time was really hot, but it got old. It wasn't her fault, but it got worse from there, and we stopped playing nice, so to speak. I thought she enjoyed our caustic verbal play, she certainly enjoyed locking me up enough, but then one day I said something off handed and there was all this hurt in her eyes instead of the challenge I was used to."
He sat on the coffee table in front of her, leaning forward to hold her gaze as he whispered softly. "All that promise she'd had in her eyes once was back, and I didn't notice until it was too late. I didn't know what was going on, JoJo, but suddenly she was standing up for me, hell, suddenly half the key members of the town were standing between me and a long stretch in prison. Even the head of Global fricking Dynamics, the little dictator himself, looked to me for help. I mean, what the fuck? Two years of chasing my tail on dead end projects that I could do in between my time in lockup and," he snapped his fingers, "Bam! Suddenly I'm somebody that can be trusted to not only hack into the DoD mainframe for you, but to keep my mouth shut afterwards? It was this giant mystery that I just couldn't get my head around."
Her smile had been stolen by his words, her eyes unsure if she believed him, but she leaned forward, taking his hand into hers. "You could always be trusted. I knew that the moment I met you, even if you did bust out of my cell."
"This you knew. The you you were, she couldn't trust me to butter toast, and I can't really blame her."
She chewed her lip softly, her voice nervous, small and breaking. "What happened next, Zane?"
"I pushed and pushed until she broke. She threw my grandmother's ring in my face. My ring. The one thing I have in this world to give that's a connection to my family, and she had it." He sighed. "I couldn't explain it. She wouldn't explain it. Everything was falling apart, so I kissed her. *That* explained it."
Jo stiffened, her eyes going wide as she met his gaze, the cobalt blue warm and encouraging at the same time as broken and determined. "Why didn't that feel like a first kiss?"
He nodded slowly, watching as information began filing through her mind so rapidly he wasn't sure if he'd get to the end of his story before she knew it all.
"Me marry you? In what universe?"
He cringed as she spoke his own words back to him. "I didn't know, Jo. I swear to God I didn't know. I didn't know a damned thing until you woke up looking for me, and you were so hurt and confused that I couldn't help it. I held your hand until you fell asleep, and Carter told me everything."
She nodded slowly, pulling her hands from his, curling back into the corner of the sofa as she sifted through all the new information flooding her senses. "1947?" She questioned, quietly, just looking for affirmation. He nodded, finally dropping his gaze to the floor, knowing what was coming next. "This was just an act? A game? Jo doesn't remember a thing, let's go with it and see what happens?"
He was terrified of looking up. He was terrified that the horrified tone in her voice would be reflected in those beautiful brown eyes, and that this time when she cried, she wouldn't let him hold her.
"It wasn't a game, Jo. We were doing what we thought would help you. Carter and Allison? They'd seen how hurt and sad you've been since you got here. They wanted to give you back what you lost. They wanted you to be happy again."
"And you just went along with it out of the kindness of your heart? Nothing in it for you, right?" She snapped, voice breaking so badly he could see the evisceration in her eyes without ever having to look up.
"They wanted to make you happy, to protect you from DoD sanctions, to give you your life back, Jo, so damn right I went along with it. So did Fargo, and Henry and Grace. They traded your safety for mine and I was cool with that because I got to…"
"See me naked?"
Where did someone so warm learn to use a voice so cold and bitter?
He couldn't help it and nodded slightly. "Naked was a perk, yeah, but what I was going to say is that it gave me a chance to spend time with you without the Enforcer getting in the way. Damn it, Jo, you never let me in, how else was I going to show you that I fucking love you? You, you! You without all the bullshit walls we put up between us. How else was I going to get a chance to save us?"
"There is no us, Zane. We don't exist."
And there it was, she remembered everything. Every moment and detail that she'd spent months wishing she could erase. Every harsh word between them, every agonizing second she'd spent close to him, every nuance of the single kiss they'd shared, and every tear she'd shed the nights after.
"We do exist, Jo, we've proven that we can do this. You just have to let go and trust me."
She sniffed quietly, and for one brief moment he looked up. Fire and brimstone glared back at him, the chocolate gaze he'd come to crave now onyx and filled with the torture and hatred of a soul burning in the pits of hell. "Trust you?" Unable to trust her voice, she simple shook her head. The flare of rage was replaced almost immediately by something far worse; all the trust, love and joy stolen from her, leaving in its place a deflated shell where the once vibrant Jo Lupo used to be. "Go away, Zane. Just leave me alone to get on with it."
"Jo, we only wanted to help. I wanted to help."
"You didn't. You couldn't." She smiled at him sadly, letting the tears fill her eyes as he walked defeated towards the door.
"I had to try to save us," he whispered, so softly she barely heard him.
Her words were spoken clearly, now devoid of any kind of emotion as her well used walls fell back into place. "And now it's over."
Never had four words hurt more than they did at that moment. Both Jo and Zane struggled in silence for a long awkward moment. Both hoped to find the words to make it all better. Both wished they could turn back time once more to make all the nauseating agony vanish into the cosmos. Both knew that it wasn't going to happen.
"See you around, JoJo," he tried, his voice rough with unspoken emotion.
"Try not to," she answered calmly, praying he'd leave so the tears could fall.
"Yeah," he whispered, and finally disappeared into the night.
The door didn't close fast enough, leaving Zane with the sound of her whimper that broke down into heart wrenching sobs the second he was out of sight. For the rest of his life he'd carry that sound, the sound of agony so deep he wasn't sure if there was an end.
It didn't help that the pain she felt was now shared by the man who'd caused it.
He'd punched the wall of the bunker before he knew what he was doing, the pain of potentially broken knuckles bringing him back to himself as he yelped and cradled the hand to his chest.
What the fuck had he been thinking? Jo Lupo was the hottest thing in Eureka, and when all was said and done, she burned like a wildfire.
~~~TBC~~~
In The Next Part:
Carter was on his feet in a flash, heading for the door. "Fargo, call GD and find out if Zane signed in today. Henry, go to my office and get Andy to flip on the tracking thingamajig that's supposed to tell us where he is."
Jo turned around then, frowning as she watched Carter fly out of the café. "What's going on?"
Fargo put his phone away, shaking his head. "We think Zane's pulling a runner. He hasn't been at Global in two days, and hasn't been seen around town."
She closed her eyes, calming the panic that fluttered her already drowning heart. Her ears hissed and rang as she struggled to stay focused, concentrating on speaking before anything else.
Coming Soon!