Standing outside Allie's in the dark I had just let the words fall from my lips for the first time and it still doesn't feel real I've never lost anyone close to me before I have no idea how to handle this.

What? Who? Eli asks worriedly holding me tighter.

"K.C" I know I was being short with him but I couldn't calm down enough to form words.

"Clare, I'm so sorry" he began lightly running his fingers through my hair "do you want to stay with me tonight? I know we aren't exactly on the best terms but I hate seeing you like this and I know what you're going through right now" he seems so downhearted like this hits a nerve for him I wonder what it is.

"please" I say quietly trying to calm down.

I don't bother getting anything I just get in his car and we drive back to his house I'm not in the emotional state to care about having anything all I can think about his the fact that K.C is dead my baby won't have a father; If it's a boy who's going to teach him how to play sports and if it's a girl who's going to protect her in a way only a father could do. No K.C wasn't the best father potential but at least when he was alive there was potential now it's hopeless. Sure I could marry later in life and give them a father figure but won't replace K.C. I have been doing so good and this curve ball has knocked the wind out of me every breath I take my mind drifts to the fact that he's not taking one. All the memories we have he helped me become who I am in a way. What if this is my fault what if he couldn't handle the stress of my pregnancy and that pushed him down this dark path once again only this time leading to his demise. I don't want to let this ruin everything I've accomplished, I can't let something terrible cause more terrible things to happen but, I'm worried it might be impossible for it not too.

"Clare, we're here" Eli's soft voice pulls me from my thoughts.

I just look up at him no reply or motion I haven't got the will for anything else. It feels as though part of me died with him; I know we weren't together but part of me will always love him for what we had even with the bad there was so much good. I hear the door open before I feel Eli's arms carefully pick me up as if he could break me with the simplest touch; I lay my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat finding myself so thankful he has one to hear together or not I love him, if something happened to him I don't know what I would do if he's in my life or not I want him to be alive and happy. When we make it to his room I feel him lay me on his bed softly before laying next to me pulling my body to his tightly like he was afraid to let go the words I hear him speak are as if he read my mind.

"Clare it's not your fault." his words were stern but gentle.

"what if the pregnancy drove him to this" I have finally stopped crying only because I'm too exhausted to continue.

I feel him press a kiss to the back of my head, the front of his body pressed to the back of mine so tightly nothing could come between us even dust couldn't get through. The embrace wasn't at all sexual it was loving and comforting. a comfort only Eli can give me. The familiar smell of his skin and warm touch numbs the pain.

"Clare you being pregnant didn't kill him; it may have been hard however it didn't cause him to die. I need to tell you something I don't like talking about but, you need to hear it." he paused for a moment taking a long deep breath before continuing "My girlfriend Julia, We had a fight one night it was dark things got out of control; It wasn't a small thing we were fighting about not at all and I reacted badly. she got so mad and upset she stormed off on her bike crying. I should have gone after her stopped her but I didn't I was so mad at her; she got hit by a car that night after taking off I blamed myself for a long time. I had therapy which helped but when I was diagnosed bipolar it took me back a few steps thinking if I had only controlled myself she would still be alive. I know now I didn't kill her just like you didn't kill K.C things will get better Clare I promise."

Eli I had no idea; I'm sorry" I say with sympathy we were silent for a while after that neither of us daring to speak. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I had no idea Eli has been through so much he hides it so well; I wonder what else I don't know about him. His words are comforting and I appreciate him letting me in but I don't think I'll be okay again for a long time. I lay there in Eli's arms enjoying the warmth of his body. I feel his hand caressing my stomach it feels so right as if this is how things are suppose to be even though I enjoy the feeling of his touch I'm surprised by his actions. Perhaps he has a soft spot for babies.

"So how do you feel?" I hear his voice speak quietly.

"I feel okay, mostly tired, emotional and hungry. The sick feeling is finally gone" I tell him.

"Everything is going to be okay you know that right?"

"I do"

I mean it even with everything that occurred tonight and, my life's sudden unexpected changes I have a feeling that things will be okay. It's a feeling coming from deep inside forcing it's way in mind making positivity shine through the bad It could just be because I'm in Eli's arms right now or maybe I'm just delusional at this point from all that has happened in such a short period of time. I really can't say but, I hope more than anything that it's right, that things will workout for me and my baby and we'll find happiness. Although from the moment I heard the tragic news about K.C I've been negative I know I need to think of my baby. As I'm laying here with Eli falling asleep after such a colossal night my heart tells me things will get better. Maybe not tomorrow or next week but eventually.

Two weeks later:

It's finally the day of my first appointment with my ob-gyn to check on my baby. I'm nervous and excited. Over the past few weeks I've become more and more accepting of the idea of being a mom; after watching a special on t.v over how many women struggle with infertility I've come to realize how much of a blessing this baby really is. I've been feeling flutters lately it feels like bubbles popping it tickles a bit. Knowing that feeling is coming from a life growing inside of me, a life I created is miraculous. I've gotten bigger also I'm starting to look pregnant I'm sure people are becoming suspicious but even with that and the fluttering it seems surreal sometimes I even forget I'm sorry pregnant. All my symptoms are pretty much gone aside from the new development of heartburn. I'm pleasantly surprised all the readying I've read says it doesn't go away until the second trimester usually. Instead of questioning it I just considering myself lucky.

As I arrive at the office I can't help but think of K.C if he would have been here or not. I've heard gossip that Jenna is also pregnant a rumor which is quite alarming. If she is pregnant and K.C is the father of her baby also that baby would be a sibling to mine; that would add a whole new problem I don't want to deal with. I've just learned to accept that my baby will not have be father.

Looking around the room I can't help but feel jealous of all the women here with their significant others holding their hands, whispering encouraging words or making small talk to keep them from getting nervous and if not there significant other their mother is beside them while I'm sitting here all alone with nothing but my thoughts. Allie wanted to come but she had to be at some summer science program it was extremely important she be there or she would have canceled to be here with me for support; I'm not mad at her I understand she has a life and I am not here responsibility I just wish I wasn't all alone. My mother was to busy with her new boyfriend to come and I would never even let the idea of inviting my father cross my mind; our relationship is okay but he's not someone I want here. I thought about inviting Adam but it just seemed a little weird considering I have no idea what to expect when I go back the only other person is Eli but he is back in New York. Not that I would have invited him anyway we've been in contact but strictly friends he's been emotional support having him has been incredible but asking him to come here would have been overstepping. This is not his baby and he has a life.

Buzz buzz

I feel my phone vibrate I check it feeling smile form on my face.

Eli- your appointment is today right? I hope everything is okay. Let me know if you need me.

PS. Relax I'm sure everything is fine.

It warms my heart to know Eli cares enough to remember, even though we aren't together I appreciate it he's a great friend. I'm grateful he isn't holding anything against me or acting how he did when I had ended our affair. He's really maturing becoming even more inconceivably perfect than imaginable. As good as having him as a friend is I'm going to be extremely jealous of of the girl lucky enough to win the affection that once belonged to me. Men like Eli are hard to find if only I had known that at the time. Enough feeling sorry for myself that's in the past.

It seems like I've been sitting here for hours when in reality it's only been around five minutes. I'm grateful the waiting room is relaxing unlike a typical doctor's office they have nice chairs instead of those hard plastic ones the walls are a soft brown color with a fountain making relaxing sound and it actually doesn't smell like an over sterile hospital. I notice the small gift shop in the corner with baby clothes hanging wondering if my baby will wear pink or blue. It'll be a while still until I know. Finally I hear a nurse call my name; we walk past the gift shop into a medium sized room it's a pea green color with a soft looking bed. She takes my weight and blood pressure; I'm shocked by how much weight I've already gained. After that she leaves the room telling me the doctor will be in within a few minutes.

A Doctor with grey hair appearing to be in his 50's walks opposed to most people I'm glad he's older I want to have my baby as Natural as possible him being a man is a bit uncomfortable though. He introduces himself. he seems friendly making me more comfortable. He soon jumps into medical questions over my menstrual cycles and other routine things. While he's doing a pelvic exam he seems to get thrown off.

"when was your last period" he asks

"may" I respond anxiously

"you're cervix doesn't feel like what I would expect for 10 weeks or so. They'll check during your ultrasound. No need to be alarmed these things happened all the time." he assures genuinely.

Another women comes introducing herself adding that she I'll be performing an ultrasound. she walks me to a dark room and asks me to lay back on the bed and pull my pants below my bikini line. I do as I'm told and she begins the scan after putting gel on belly. I see my baby show up on the screen bring tears happy tears to my eyes I can see him or her wiggling around. This makes it real. She assures me that the baby has a healthy heartbeat and looks great. Everything is going good I was worried for nothing.

"do you want to know the gender?" she asks sweetly

"yes" I reply not thinking any farther into it

"it's a girl" she says with a smile

A girl, wow. Thoughts of her is all that is running through my head right now. I'm going to have a daughter a little princess to take shopping, fix her hair get our nails done together one day. I wonder what she'll look like. I cannot say I wasn't secretly hoping for a little girl I would have been happy either way as long as my baby was healthy of course. I want to have a relationship with her like I wish I had with my mom. I can't wait to tell Allie she's made it clear she wants a god daughter to spoil.

"with a concept date of March 24th your due date is December 15th you are 16 weeks two days pregnant. A bit further than you thought"

I can't fathom her words 16 weeks that makes This baby Eli's no question about it I must have gotten pregnant one of the last nights we were together. I have no idea how to react I just accepted everything, my baby not having a living father, Eli and I not being together now I don't know what to think. I walk out of the office after having my blood drawn unsure of what to do from here. Should I call Eli now? He needs to know that part isn't up to me; we just got back on good terms I can't predict how he's going to react to this news. I call him but there is no answer I find myself driving aimlessly the emotions of everything are getting to me. Eli is the father of my baby. Desperate for some sort of comfort I drive to the only possible place to find it right now.

After knocking on the door I find myself questioning why I made this decision before I have the chance to turn around the door opens.

"Clare, baby girl! What a nice surprise what brings you here Cece asks sweetly.

Looking at her with the new Knowledge that I'm carrying her grandchild is overwhelming I'm both relieved and terrified my unpredictable hormones take effect and I start sobbing Cece pulls me into a much needed loving hug.

"Cece the baby I was wrong it-it the the" I struggle with words that won't Come out.

"The baby is Eli's" she says not as a question.

"how did you know?" I ask confused

"I've thought it since Eli told me. I even told him but he insisted that you said it wasn't he bought it but I didn't"

"I'm so scared to tell him" I say hugging Cece tighter.

"I'm not sure how he'll act, if you hadn't told him you were sure it wasn't I'm sure he would have trusted your word but now I'm not so sure. He told you about Julia right?"

"some of it" I answer I'm not sure what that has to do with this.

"well I'm going to tell you the rest he won't like it but you need to know." She said sadly as we walk to the living room the mood feels tense. when we have both taken a seatcomfortably on the loveseat she continues "Julia cheated on Eli too many times during their relationship to many count to count he always took her back; well she ended up pregnant Initially telling Eli that the baby wasn't his a few months in that changed. The other guy backed out and she assured Eli the baby was actually his and Being the person he was he believed her no question taking full responsibility. He took care of her held her hand when the baby was born and was a great dad to the baby after. Well when the baby was 6 weeks old he noticed that she didn't look a thing like him so he got a DNA test secretly well when it came back it revealed what everyone knew he was not the father. He was devastated and well pissed. That's what their fight was about"

I have no clue how to reply to the truth of what happened between Eli and Julia. That explains why he asked if I was positive the baby wasn't his. I'm only more nervous to tell him now even though I know I needed to know this I wish I didn't. I know that he is the father now without a doubt but I told him just 4 weeks ago there was no chance of the baby being his. I'm doing the same thing his ex did to him only telling him the truth where she didn't. He trusted her word and he got burned bad. This is going to bring all that to the surface. Suddenly my phone rings sure enough it's Eli.

"Hey Eli" I say softly

"hey Clare you said you needed to tell me something on my voicemail. is everything okay?" he asks sounding concerned.

"well it's a girl"

"That's great congratulations!" he replies sincerely

"Thanks, but that's not all"

"do tell?"

"well you see you see there was kind-of a mix up" I say slowly

"mix up? Spit it out Edwards"

"well i should congratulate you because um. I was wrong about the dating I'm farther along than I had thought… Eli you're the father"

….