Chapter Eleven: Revelations
Office of the Headmistress, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogsmeade, Scotland
Evening. Soft breezes filled the room with the cool green scent of the Forbidden Forest. Hermione Granger-Weasley was curled up on the sofa in her office, shoes off, hair twisted into a casual knot at the back of her neck. She was reading the latest edition of an Arithmancy journal to which she subscribed. Severus was seated at his desk, and the only sound in the office was the soft scratch of his quill on the parchment before him. Occasionally, one or the other would look up with a comment, but neither felt the need to chatter to fill the silence. They were comfortable together. For Hermione contentment was a quiet evening just like this, with only Severus for company.
Tonight, Severus was suffering the tortures of the damned, however. His recent conversation with Albus Dumbledore kept echoing in his mind. He loved Hermione Granger. He was beginning to believe she cared for him in the same way, but what was he to do about that? He wanted to run and hide. He felt keenly the failure of his relationship with Lily, all those years ago, and didn't want to go through anything like that ever again. Mostly, though, he wanted to protect Hermione from any sort of hurt. And that was proof of his love for her.
His instincts told him that as long as he said nothing to her about his feelings, he could not hurt her, but since his conversation with Albus, he was beginning to doubt that. Wasn't it natural to want to share feelings such as these? Looking back, he could vividly remember how much he had wanted to know that Lily cared for him, how much it had mattered to him to know she cared. Would Hermione want to know that he loved her? He turned the question around. Did he want to know her feelings for him? The answer to that was, "Yes," without doubt or qualification.
He sat at his table, lost in thought, until he heard a soft exclamation of pleasure from the sofa, and looked up to see Hermione holding a piece of silvery grey parchment in her hand.
"What is that, Miss Granger? It seems to give you a great deal of pleasure."
She smiled up at him. "It's a wedding invitation."
"Oh? Who is getting married?"
"Draco Malfoy and Luna Lovegood. Did you know they were dating?"
"I was aware that my godson had escorted Miss Lovegood to several functions recently, but I did not know he intended to propose."
Hermione's laughter bubbled out like champagne. "I don't think he did propose, actually. Luna put a little note in with the invitation. She has been in love with him for years, and she says in her note, 'He said YES!' I think she may be the one who actually proposed."
"What an extraordinary idea."
"Why?"
Severus smiled. He had known his comment would arouse a question from Hermione Granger, who still wanted to know and understand everything.
"It's the man's duty to propose." He firmly suppressed a smile, trying to maintain an illusion of mild distaste at the concept of forward women.
She got to her feet and stood before his painting with her hands on her hips and a challenging glint in her eyes.
"And if a woman loves a man, she can't declare her feelings for him and ask him to share her life?"
"I suppose there is nothing against it." A disapproving snort. "But it isn't normal or customary in Wizarding society."
"You could hardly describe Luna as normal or customary, Severus." He inclined his head in acknowledgment of her point. "I am very happy for them. Luna understands Draco very well, and they will be good for each other."
She saw him sigh heavily and wondered what he was thinking. Watching her, Severus realized that the time had come to reveal how he felt about her. He reasoned, I will never get a better opening. I might as well get this over with fast. That way, if she does not care for me as I do her, the pain will be swiftly administered, and I can have my portrait moved to the dungeons, where I can lick my wounds in peace.
"Miss Granger, indulge my curiosity?"
She nodded her head.
"You have not re-married, and you refused a romantic relationship with Draco Malfoy not very long ago. May I ask why?"
She blushed, but maintained eye contact with him. Severus found himself holding his proverbial breath.
"Draco is a wonderful friend." She drew in a deep breath. "But he deserves better than an unfaithful wife."
He felt as if he had just taken a Bludger to the stomach.
"I don't understand."
"Draco is very dear to me. But he would have known that he did not have my heart, Severus. That belongs to someone else."
His heart sank. Surely she wasn't carrying a torch for Weasley after all these years?
"Weasley, I suppose." The faintest edge of disdain crept into his voice.
"Ron? Great Merciful Merlin!" Her soft chuckle surprised him. "No, Severus, I haven't had those kinds of feelings for Ron for a long time. Years. Don't you understand what I am trying to tell you?"
"No, Hermione. I have never been good at this."
Now he dropped his eyes, as if he could not bear to hear what she would say next.
"Severus, I can't give my heart to Draco because it belongs to you. I love you very much, Severus Snape. Can't you see that?"
Her voice was very soft and tender, and when he risked a glance in her direction, he saw that her eyes were filled with love. Happiness and duty warred in his mind, and being Severus, duty won out.
"Hermione, if I were a better man, I would compel you to take it back and give it to Draco. He is the better choice for you, by far." To him, the choice was painfully clear."You're the same age. He is very personable and charming; a handsome, wealthy wizard. He could give you more children if you desire them. Even if you don't desire more children, Draco could give you so much that I cannot."
"Severus, he isn't you. And Draco's very perceptive. He would see that I am always thinking of you, Severus. What would that be like for him? To know that no matter what he did or how he tried, I would be thinking, always, of another man?"
"That would be intolerable." Hadn't he lived through that when Lily had begun dating James Potter?
"I love Draco, Severus, but as a best friend, a brother. I love Draco the same way I love Harry. I'm thrilled, actually, that he and Luna are getting married. They suit each other so well. "
"Hermione, I have nothing to offer you." He dropped his head so that his hair fell in curtains over his face to hide his shame.
"Severus, I have your companionship. I hope and believe that I have your affection. Is it as much of you as I want? No, because I wish you could climb down out of that picture and hold me or that I could climb up there to kiss you. But the image of you means more to me than the reality of Draco or any other man I have ever met."
"Hermione, you humble me. My dear, I love you so very much. But this is not right. I do not deserve your feelings for me. I do not deserve to be loved like that."
"Severus Snape! Listen to me. Love isn't about deserving, love is about accepance. It's about faith in the people you love, that they will love you always, come what may. I know you accept who I am, bossiness, temper, bushy hair and all. Just as I accept you as you are, sharp tongue, brilliance, snarkyness and all. And I know that with you I am happier than I have ever been. Don't tell me I should have chosen Draco over you. If I had, it would have condemned both of us to a lifetime of what might have been's."
Tears were streaming from her eyes now. "Severus… your image lives in that painting. But you… you live in my heart." She came to the fireplace and climbed onto the tea table to reach up and tenderly stroke her fingers over his mouth. "I love you."
He reached up in the picture and brushed his fingers across his lips where her fingers had touched an instant before.
"My dear one. You know what my life has been like, and I do not have the fortitude to try to talk you out of loving me. You have chosen me, Merlin alone knows why, and I want you to love me the way I hope for my first glimpse of heaven. It's a wonder to me that you can love me as I am." He still couldn't quite believe this conversation was real, as it so closely resembled some of the pleasant daydreams that he had lately fallen prey to.
"I wouldn't be happy with Draco, Severus. And surely you can see how unfair it would have been for me to marry him?"
"Yes, I understand now." And he did. Gryffindor honesty demanded that she be truthful even to herself, and Gryffindor courage would carry her through, even if being honest meant she lived the rest of her life without a mate.
"Draco IS my friend. I couldn't be so uncaring of his happiness."
Joy and guilt warred for supremacy on his face. Finally he smiled, but immediately grew solemn again.
"You make me very happy, Hermione. But if ever you do find someone that you love… you must let me go. Will you promise me that?"
She chuckled, a watery chuckle that still held traces of tears.
"I promise, though it will never happen. I require a promise from you in return, though."
"What can I promise you, my dear?"
"Let me share something with you, please? You may not have heard this." Severus nodded and watched her intently, his eyes never leaving her face. "When we left the Shrieking Shack, Voldemort had given us an hour to give Harry up. Harry went to Dumbledore's office and looked at the memories you gave him. He found out what Dumbledore had known all along." Her voice grew raspy again, and her eyes filled with tears. "That Harry was the last Horcrux, and he would have to die to get rid of that piece of Voldemort's soul. He knew he had to let Voldemort kill him."
Severus nodded. He knew this part of the story. When he had awakened in his picture frame in Minerva McGonagall's office, she had told him Harry's story, and Severus had been stunned by Harry's courage.
"Severus, when he walked from the school to the forest where Voldemort was waiting for him, his mother and father and Remus and Sirius met him. They were allowed to be with him when he… died. To escort him to… whatever comes after this life. I know Harry talked to you after the war was over. Did he ever talk to you about this? "
"Mr. Potter came to speak to my portrait a few times, right after the war… when I first awakened as a picture. He did mention that experience."
She smiled in relief.
"Severus, when I die… Promise that you will come for me. I won't be afraid if I know you are waiting for me."
He drew in his breath and a single tear sparkled like a diamond in his dark eyes.
"My dear, I will be waiting for you. I promise."
She wiped her tears away and looked up at him with a shaky laugh.
"There's an old Muggle song… that says… If we both were born in another place and time, this moment might be ending in a kiss… You have no idea how much I wish I could kiss you. Can I owe you one? To be paid at the first available opportunity?"
A rare smile lit his eyes.
"I shall hold you in debt to me for a lifetime of kisses. I'll add them to your tab, shall I? Along with the Boomslang Skin and Bicorn Horn you stole from my stores in your second year. You may be sure I shall collect on the debt."
"And I will glady pay it. With interest." She drew in a deep breath and tenderly touched his portrait again. Then, she wiped her tears away and climbed down from the tea table, curling up again on her sofa. When she looked up at him, the tenderness was still there in her gaze, even though her words were brisk and business-like. "Now, did you read this article in the Potions Master's Digest, about using a cheese grater to shred crystallized ginger when you need to work with it? Have you ever heard of anything so silly in your entire life?"
"I did read the article. Crystallized ginger needs to be cut into uniform size pieces, and you simply don't have that precision if you use a grater. The idea is not new, but it's as ludicrous now as it ever was… "
As the night drew on, the castle itself seemed to heave a huge sigh of relief and hope.