Chapter 11

Maura woke to an empty bed and a note with empty words.

And that's how she felt.

Empty.

She should've felt worlds lighter because she couldn't feel anything inside her body, but she felt like she was weighed down by steel.

Because now that she was alone, she realized how silly she was to even consider that woman loving her back. The woman wasn't real. How in the hell could she love her?

She was both mad at herself and crushed at the realization. And the two emotions didn't click. Being angry was supposed to make her fiery but the depression seeping through made her want to do nothing at all, so stuck between the two walls of emotions crashing down around her, Maura was left with only one mood choice. Cranky.

She couldn't seem to wipe the frown off her face as she got ready. She dressed quickly and poured herself a cup of coffee, but did not have a sense of urgency. She drove slowly, holding back the urges she felt to yell and scream at anyone who cut her off.

Where were all of these…feelings coming from? Normally, she was calm and reserved. She usually wasn't passionate about…anything. But now she felt the need to slam on her horn and flip off anyone who even encroached on her car.

Her buzzing phone startled her, and she frowned down at it. It would have to wait until she got to work.

She parked in the parking lot and headed for the building. She squinted at the little print on her phone as she walked up the stairs of BPD. Susie had sent her information, and even though the report was just a floor below her, she still wanted to read the results. She jolted when someone fell into step with her, and she glanced up to see it was Riley.

"Hello," she said warily before looking back to her screen.

"Hey!" Riley said back, almost brightly. "You have a good morning so far?"

"Not really," she muttered.

Maura knew it would be rude to ask where Riley changed her opinion about her, but she still felt the very strong urge to do so. And with her still bitter mood from the morning lingering, she almost didn't care about what Riley thought at all.

"You get anything on the Pfeiffer case yet?" Riley asked, undeterred.

"Yes." Maura went back to squinting at her phone. "And if I could read it I would tell you. But it appears you'll just have to wait until I get down to my office—"

She got cut off as someone knocked into her shoulder, nearly sending her off balance.

"Watch it Doctor Death," he muttered without even breaking stride.

Maura didn't stop walking either. She just bowed her head to hide her blush as she continued toward the elevators. When she arrived, she looked up, only to find Riley was no longer with her. She looked over her shoulder; Riley was standing back where the collision had occurred. Just standing. Staring after the man, then turning her head to look right at Maura.

She looked torn about something.

Maura just entered the elevator and headed for her safe haven. And speaking of safe haven, she wondered how Juliet was doing. That cursed woman who made her feel everything. Everything good, everything bad.

Casey reached out and cupped her cheek. Jane smiled hesitantly but allowed herself to be guided forward until their lips met. He leaned into her more, cupping her neck to keep her there.

When his tongue slid over her lips, she shrunk away, biting her lip and averting her gaze.

"What's wrong?" he asked with a frown.

"N-nothing," she said warily, a crease forming in her forehead as she knitted her eyebrows together, her lips pressing together in a line.

"I just…I didn't think this would be so…hard."

"What would be?" he pressed.

Inside the van across the street, Topher and Beale were having a shouting match.

"What's going on?!" Topher yelled into the phone, typing wildly on his computer.

"Nothing!" Beale protested. "They were just talking!"

"Talking?! Beale, her heart's beating a thousand miles a minute—"

"I can hear—"

"That's like 'I just ran a marathon' or 'I'm about to come all over you' speed!"

"She's not doing either of those—"

"Well I know that, man friend. No brainwaves in the pleasure center. But what are they talking about?!"

"I can't hear them over your shouting!"

"I…" Jane paused, forcing herself to look in Casey's eyes. "I have this sort of…tugging in me. It's telling me to…cling to you."

She stopped talking and frowned, her eyes falling to look at her fidgeting fingers as she considered exactly how to say what she was feeling.

"But I can say honestly," she continued slowly, as if weighing the price of each and every word, "That I've fallen for someone else."

"What?!"

Although Jane had only heard Casey's surprised exclamation, Topher and Beale's identical ones rang out loudly.

"What in the hell is she talking about Topher?"

"I don't know!" Topher exclaimed, wedging the phone between his ear and shoulder to better type. "I'm looking at her imprint right now! Anna Daniels, 29. Tomboy at heart, but rather femme in a relationship. Casey's her high school sweetheart. Never dated anyone else, never even had eyes for anyone else—"

"Well then you must've done something wrong," Beale snapped.

"I don't make mistakes—"

"You're kidding me, right?!"

The two immediately stopped talking at the sound of Casey's voice coming through Jane's microphone. They waited with bated breath to see exactly what would happen.

"Why would I be kidding?" Jane asked quietly, wedging her fidgeting hands between her thighs. "I…I love someone else."

He gave a bitter laugh, leaning back in his chair.

"Oh, this is just gold," he mutterer sarcastically. "I know I said hard to get…"

Jane's brow knitted in confusion.

"Beale," Topher hissed, "Get in there before he blows our cover. Dolls can never be told they're Dolls; their minds couldn't handle it. You remember how well Dr. Saunders faired—" Beale was already climbing out of the van.

Casey stood up violently and Jane did the same.

"I'm…I'm really sorry, Casey—"

"Who?" he asked loudly. "Who could you possibly love?!"

She gave the smallest smile, the slightest hint of adoration in her eyes as she thought.

"I don't know," she said with a laugh. "I…I don't even know her name…but I love her."

Casey opened his mouth to respond, possibly yell, but Beale's loud, persistent knocking at the front door made him reconsider. He walked to the front door, Jane shadowing him to see who it was. Her eyes lit up at the sight of her handler.

"Beale!" she said brightly. "What're you doing here?"

He shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"I went to pick you up at your apartment, but you weren't there. Your…your roommate said I could find you here. I just…I figured you didn't want to be late for your treatment…" He was stumbling over all the lies, trying to keep all the facts about her current imprint straight and get her out of there. He didn't miss the glare Casey was giving him either.

"Oh, shoot!" Jane breathed. "I totally forgot about it! I'm…I'm sorry Casey…but it's kind of important."

"Go…" he said glumly.

She smiled apologetically at him as she slipped out the front door.

Casey took a step toward Beale. "I expect a—"

"Refund," Beale finished for him with a dismissive wave. "Yeah, yeah. I got it. Have a good day."

He caught the bite in his own voice and frowned as he turned back to the street. How was it that he was actually starting to care for this…this shell of a woman?

That was a problem for another day.

"Hey!" Jane exclaimed as he got into the van and shut the door. "Thanks for that. Even though my treatment isn't for another hour."

He shrugged.

"Not a problem."

"That timing was perfect! Seriously? How did you know I would need any help?"

He tensed.

"Say her roommate called you. Said she was worried," Topher said into the phone.

Beale was happy for the invisible Bluetooth in his ear. That was for sure. But he didn't speak right away. What was her name…name of the roommate…Michelle? Mary? Melissa…?

"Margaret," Topher laughed at Beale's silence.

"Margaret called me all worried," Beale said to Jane, ruffling his own hair and leaning back in his seat. Jane chuckled.

"Damn, I must've been acting strange, huh? But…how do you tell a guy you don't love him after twelve years of dating? And you can't even give him a name?"

"What makes you think you love someone else?"

Jane smiled to herself, looking down at her lap.

"Because…It's kinda like I've got this…this really old, really faded picture in my head. And…Every time I think about it, and…and the woman in that picture I just…I just feel…good. It doesn't even make any sense, but I don't even really…care. I just love her. Plain and simple…I didn't even think I was gay."

Beale laughed.

"You seem pretty okay with it."

Jane shrugged.

"It's kind of hard not to be. It's not like I can just get her out of my head, is it?"

"Right…"

Beale cleared his throat and looked away.

A few days later, Maura called the Dollhouse without much internal battling. The homicide's most recent case had everybody baffled. No leads, no clues. No witnesses. And Maura really didn't have much evidence to give them, even with the slowly increasing body count. At the current moment, she felt responsible and just needed someone to sit with her and tell her something, anything, comforting. Sex wasn't even necessary.

The phone only rang once.

"Go for Topher!" he cleared his throat. "Err, I mean, Adelle Dewitt's office. What can I do you for…or who do you want to do for…oh, never mind."

Maura frowned.

"May I ask where Adelle is?" she asked as politely as she could.

"She's uhh…she's got her hands full…"

A muffled crash came over the line.

"Caroline! Drop that right now or I swear to God—"

He laughed nervously, covering up the background noises. "But I can help you. You setting an engagement?"

"Yes," Maura confirmed, swiveling in her chair and biting her lip just thinking about the brunette. "For tonight."

"Alright, who's your kryptonite?"

"I'm afraid I don't understand your reference."

"That's okay," he laughed, "I got your records right h—Oh."

"What?"

"Juliet's your regular."

"Is something wrong?" she asked, panic lacing her words with a shrill waver.

"Not…really…" he said slowly. "We've been having some…issues…"

"She has always caused you trouble."

"Yes. Well…now she's rejecting clients. No matter what imprint we give her. No matter how many times we wipe her."

Maura's heart dropped. She didn't like the idea of even risking being denied by the beautiful, lovely…perfect woman…Then again, she really could just take the risk. It might even be good for her. It would almost be like a real date. Instead of there being no chance of rejection, a cushion she loved the Dollhouse for, maybe she needed to try and move forward. Try real dating. This could be her transition.

"It's alright, Topher," she said carefully. "I just need someone to have a relaxing night in with. But I would appreciate it being with a girlfriend. I will risk the rejection."

She swore she could hear him shrug.

"Alright. If that's what you want…we'll give you a refund if anything goes wrong—"

"Don't be silly."

"That'd be a lot of wasted money, Dr. Isles."

"The human brain is a very sensitive, very complicated system. The fact that you have this much control over it is impressive. Expecting there to be no glitches or bugs would be foolish and arrogant of me."

He laughed. "Foolish and arrogant…right. Tell that to all the other clients."

"This problem has happened to lots of others?"

"Just Juliet's. But yeah…A lot."

Maura felt a pang of jealousy at the thought of anyone else touching Juliet. But she was also consoled by the fact none of them had recently been about to with Juliet's denial streak.

"That's…that's too bad. I'm sorry so many people are small minded."

"Nothing you can do. What time you want Juliet over?"

"I get off work at six, so would…six-thirty work?"

"Yup. One type B, not horny girlfriend, ready to comfort, coming up."

"Thank you, Topher."

"Sure thing. Gotta go, Dr. Isles. Have a good afternoon."

"You do the same. Goodbye."

She hung up with a sigh, only to have Riley burst in.

"Another body, Dr. D—Isles. You want a ride up?"

Maura tried to hide her frown.

"Do you really want to give me one?"

"Why not?" the detective shrugged. "I'll be out front."

Although it was not the warmest of interactions, at least there was interaction…right?

Maura frowned, feeling slightly guilty because instead of being grateful, all she felt was a little irritated. And with all the negative feelings swimming around in her chest, she almost felt at her wits' end. Maybe she just wasn't meant to have companionship at all.

She stood and grabbed her bag, trying to block out all her emotions as she fought to find the 'work' compartment in her mind.

A light knocking made her turn around.

"Detective Cooper?"

"Umm…" The brunette looked away, down at the floor. "I uhh…God, I'm sorry, Dr. Isles…Can I…maybe…talk to you?"

Maura bit her lip to hold back a smart remark.

"Yes," she settled for.

Riley took a couple hesitant steps into the office.

"I just…I wanted to…apologize."

Maura's eyebrows furrowed.

"What for?"

She tried to remember any transgression Riley had done to her and none came to mind.

"I…I wasn't really the nicest when we met. Or…after…And that wasn't really fair of me. I didn't know you."

She took a breath.

"It just seemed that you were so…well off, and I really just didn't think you knew…what it was like."

"What…what was like?"

"Being not well off."

"I'm not sure I understand," Maura said honestly. "I am well off. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but—"

"In that sense, yes. You have money. But then…then…you don't have anything else…it seems…"

She shifted her weight and rubbed the back of her neck, trying to force herself to look Maura in the eye. Amber caught Maura's hazel eyes, and they looked so sincere.

"And I'm sorry if I thought you thought you were better than all of us."

Maura didn't know what to say. Shock caught any words she would've wanted to voice and held them in her throat. Was this a joke or a lie or a ruse?

She sucked in a breath, holding it and waiting to see if Riley would say more.

"And I see now that you…you think too highly of us and too little of yourself. And I'm sorry if I had any hand in solidifying that…belief." Riley frowned. "We're just a crappy buncha assholes, Maura. You shouldn't even give us the time of day, much less wanna…impress us."

Maura looked at her hard, as if unable to understand.

"You're not nothing…" she said quietly. "You're more than I could ever be."

Riley laughed, but Maura persisted.

"No! I'm serious. You care. You care about people and you're kind to them—"

"You don't get it do you? If someone, or a group of people, sets it in their mind to not like someone, they just won't, no matter what you do. If you think you're better than everyone else, then they see you as arrogant and snobby. If you don't see yourself as better than everyone else, but you are, everyone'll just hate you for being too perfect."

"But—"

"No buts! You're not so bad. We just…we ain't been fair."

"Life isn't fair."

Riley gave her a disapproving look.

"I'm sorry, anyway. Would you come to the Robber with us tomorrow? Please? I'll go in with you. I'll leave with you. Hell, I won't leave you alone for a second if you don't want. I just…please? Come?"

Maura's mind wasn't keeping up with the kindness, much less the invitation.

"I'm sorry. Can we go back?"

"To…?"

"Why you're even speaking with me."

Riley opened her mouth to, what Maura guessed, yell, but she reconsidered.

"Because. How…how you handled that guy in the hall the other day. You just…didn't even blink at how horrible he was with you. And then…and then I didn't do anything about it, when I should've. I should've beaten the guy's brains in, but I just watched."

Maura forced a smile.

"I wouldn't want any association with me pulling you down," she said evenly. "You're new. Let them 'be fair' with you, as you so eloquently worded. They wouldn't do that with me around."

She cleared her throat at Riley's horrified look.

"Now you should probably get going before you're late. I'll drive myself."

Before the detective could protest, Maura slipped past her, careful not to bump her.

Six-thirty on the dot, Jane was coming through her door, dropping her keys in the specified bowl and making her way over to Maura.

"Oh, you've got a case?" she asked understandingly.

"Yeah," Maura mumbled, shifting around the photos she had laid out. "I'm sorry," she offered. "I was really looking forward to a relaxing evening."

"It's okay. You had dinner yet?"

"Oh, honey, you don't need to." Maura was surprised at how easily the pet name slipped out.

"Sure I do."

"You can cook? I don't think you've ever…"

"Offered?" Jane laughed. "No. It's not my best talent, but I'm alright. Got a few Italian staples permanently engrained up here." She tapped her head as she went for the kitchen. "If I'm being too loud, tell me and I'll shut the hell up."

Maura just smiled to herself. No signs of rejection yet. Then again, it was mostly just…slightly more than friendly things they were doing. She shook her head and focused back on her case. She looked at all the different bodies and how similar everything was. She tried to note places where trace evidence was on all the bodies that she had already discovered, then based on those, going over the other bodies and highlighting places where she should probably look come tomorrow morning.

She was interrupted by Jane, who gently put the plate beside her on the couch before disappearing again back into the kitchen to clean up. Not even bothering to look to see what it was, Maura started eating, stifling a moan at the first bite.

"You've been holding out on me."

Jane chuckled and plopped down on the far end of the couch.

"Quit your whining and eat," she teased, flicking on the television and turning the volume down low.

Maura tried her best to oblige, taking bites as she continued to look over the case file, but her attention was already taken entirely by Jane. Without even having to look over, she was totally enraptured, feeling her subtle shifting on the couch, catching every time her head tilted from her peripherals.

She cleared her throat finally, looking over to Jane, who immediately looked over, thumb nail still between her teeth.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, pulling her finger away. "I'm distracting you, aren't I? Jesus, I'll just—"

"No!" Maura exclaimed, almost too loudly. "I mean…yes, you're distracting, but…You're just…distracting because you're…there and I'm…here."

Jane's eyes softened in adoration.

"You don't have to ask," she said quietly.

She untucked her legs from under her, stretching them out and opening her arms up. Maura looked at her hopefully, unable to move right away. She just stared stupidly, her eyes wide, her gaze flitting from the open arms to the honest brown eyes and back.

"C'mon," Jane gave an impatient shake with her hands.

A bright grin spread across Maura's face. She grabbed the necessary papers and scooted over, turning her back to Jane and relaxing against her. Jane's arms wrapped around her waist, giving a small squeeze before turning her attention back to the TV.

In the safety of Jane's arms, Maura found herself instantly able to concentrate once again. She chewed at the end of her pen, scribbling notes down with every new idea. It wasn't until she felt a light tickling at the back of her neck did she remember the physical world. Jane behind her. Holding her. Kissing her neck. Just…being there.

Her kisses stayed light, like she didn't realized she was doing it, and Maura felt a new emotion flood her chest.

Relief.

It filled her until she was warm everywhere, and for the first time, she realized what warm really felt like. Jane's thumb rubbed gentle circles under the hem of her shirt, her chin coming to rest atop Maura's shoulder.

And it was so overwhelming, Maura felt herself falling back into her usual routine. Crying. But it was a totally relieved, totally safe kind of crying.

"Oh, babe," Jane whispered in her ear, guiding her to roll over.

She hugged Maura tightly to her chest, kissing the top of her head.

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing," Maura sniffled. "Absolutely nothing."

"So…what's with the waterworks, sweetie?" Jane asked soothingly, her fingers dragging gently across Maura's scalp, through her hair, over and over.

Maura tried to stop her crying, but she couldn't. She had truly and completely feared losing this woman. She didn't know how to live without her, and having to face that had shaken everything she believed in. Tonight she was supposed to be rejected by the same glitch as everyone else. Why hadn't she?

She fought the hope bubbling up inside her, smothering it down with a new wave of tears.

"Everything was supposed to go wrong, and…and it didn't…and I don't know…w-what to do," she whimpered honestly.

She had nothing to lose. Jane wouldn't remember the conversation tomorrow.

"Why would everything go wrong?"

Jane pulled her up so she could look right in Maura's glossy eyes.

"I thought…I t-thought maybe you…loved s-someone else," Maura forced out through hiccupping breaths.

Jane's brow furrowed and she sat up a little straighter, putting a distance between their bodies.

"What?"

The word was sharp.

"I just…" Maura inhaled deeply. Now or never. "I have this…this…fear," she worded carefully, "that you love…someone who isn't…me…"

Jane's frown deepened. She ran a hand through her hair, suddenly freezing as realization flooded her face, her fingers still buried in her dark curls.

"You mean you thought I was cheating?"

Maura hadn't even thought it would sound that way. Oh. Shoot. What…how…how to salvage…?

"No!" She exclaimed. "I just…You can't help who you love, and sometimes I worry that you are with me but you don't…love me because you just love…someone else."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter who. Just someone who isn't…me." Maura paused. "I'm just making this worse. Just…forget I said anything."

She grimaced at her wording.

Jane seemed equally perturbed, sitting there with a slightly confused frown, the look in her eye something Maura could not place. A fresh wave of frustrated tears crashed over her, and she wiped them away as she sat the rest of the way up.

"I'm horribly sorry, Jackie," she said hurriedly, hiding her blush. "I should've never said anything…"

She went to stand, but Jane caught her wrist firmly. Maura hesitantly looked back at her; Jane's usually warm chocolate eyes were unreadable as she studied Maura in return. They stayed that way in silence for long moments, eyes locked, unmoving.

"How long have you felt that way?"

Slowly, Maura sat back down on the edge of the couch. She closed her eyes and tried to physically fight against her pounding heart. Tell the truth. Talk to her as if she remembered all their dates. She took in a deep breath, and, praying to a higher power that she was speaking not to Jackie but the person hidden deeper, she let out the air with her answer. "As long as I've known I loved you."

Silence encompassed them, and curiosity overpowered Maura's fear. She looked carefully over to Jane. The brunette was staring at her lap, unconsciously massaging her palms. A tear leaked out from the corner of her eye, and it broke Maura's heart. She wanted to reach out, but she didn't know how.

Jane's eyes slowly looked up to meet her gaze.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

No, I'm sorry!

Maura's mouth didn't move. She just stared horrified at Jane, unable to comprehend.

"I am so…so sorry that I left room for…any doubt. I…I'm sorry I didn't kiss you every chance I got or hold your hand wherever we went. I'm sorry I didn't tell you more often how…wonderful you are to me and how beautiful I think you are."

She paused to wipe away another stray tear, sniffling once.

"I'm…ashamed I didn't show you every minute of every day how special you are to me and how lost I would be without you in my life…"

Maura realized she was crying when cold tears dropped onto her hands. She clenched her jaw to try and stem them, but they continued. She didn't hear anything else this woman had to say, because even though the words should've comforted her, they just made her more confused. Who in the hell was speaking to her, right then? Was it Jackie? Or was it someone else? Was the glitch fixed? Or did this woman really love her?

She didn't care.

She flung her arms around Jane's neck, crashing their lips together even as she continued crying. Jane's hands cupped Maura's sticky cheeks, whimpering.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against Maura's lips.

Maura shook her head and kissed Jane urgently, cupping the back of Jane's head and holding her close.

"I'm sorry, too," Maura whispered guiltily.

She was sorry she had ever used the brunette. She was sorry she would continue using her. She was sorry for whatever happened to her and for falling so madly in love with her.

She was so incredibly sorry.

Even so, they were yanking off their clothes and reconnecting; Maura was desperate to feel skin, soft and warm and alive against her own. Jane seemed equally rushed, hands clumsily pulling at Maura's underwear, yanking them down her thighs and over her knees. And with both of them finally completely exposed, Maura wasted no time in reclaiming Jane's lips in a bruising kiss.

It burned. Actually burned. Every place Jane's hands touched her, her skin felt scorched and marked and so, so hot. Her lungs felt tight, as if their maximum volume had been lessened. Every movement was frantic as they fell back to the couch, like no matter how much they kiss and bite and touch and claw, it still wouldn't be enough. Jane's hands trailed fire down her ribs, she tried simply to breathe, unable to focus on anything else. Her heart slammed forcefully in her throat, the pounding only increasing with Jane's shocking caresses.

Jane kept their lips sealed tight, her tongue exploring, teeth brushing. She didn't leave Maura alone in her pleasure. She was right there, her fingers not teasing but filling Maura right away. The honey-blonde could only hold on, her fingers tight in their grip in Jane's curls.

Only minutes with Jane's skilled fingers and she already felt a tingling deep in the pit of her stomach. Kissing Jane harder, she dug her nails in, and Jane reciprocated with an urgent noise, somewhere between a growl and a moan, thrusting her fingers deeper. Maura's hips met her in their set rhythm, breaking her lips from Jane's to gasp for air, only to whimper. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut tighter, pulling Jane into her shoulder.

She came harder than she had in a while, her moans collecting in her throat as she tried to contain them, her grip on Jane so tight she feared she might actually be harming the woman. Blood rushed in her ears like crashing waves, drowning out any other sounds. Her erratic heartbeat had her nervous. How long had she been holding her breath? It would beat forcefully a few times, then stutter, and in the few milliseconds before it beat again, Maura felt as if she was witnessing her own death. Like it wouldn't actually ever beat again. But then after the unusually long span between beats, it would keep going.

It pounded forcefully against her chest in the same irregular pattern for minutes, and it was all she could focus on until the beating evened out into a reliable, predictable rhythm. She then found herself staring up at the dark, wet eyes of her love.

And she once again didn't feel like she was enough. And she once again was back to the frantic kissing and touching, pushing Jane up and onto her back on the couch, taking her turn to pleasure. Her lips found Jane's before wandering elsewhere. Jaw, shoulder, neck, collarbone. Anywhere within proximity of Jane's lips. She wanted closeness, and as her fingers slipped and traced down the subtle hills of Jane's body, she settled where Jane needed her most and set a steady rhythm.

She focused on everything. Jane's hitching breaths and tensing grips. Her low moans at every light bite to her neck. She didn't want it to end, afraid what would happen when it did. Here, they were safe. There was no end or beginning. No Dollhouse or arguments or lies. Just as Maura wanted it.

It didn't last, of course. Not at the frantic speed they were moving. Jane clenched around her fingers, her muffled cry sending a chill right down Maura's spine. She waited for the moment to end. For them to go back to fighting. She had nothing to worry about, though. A few moments of rapid breathing and a couple tears later, Jane was once again clawing at Maura's skin.

Through the whole night there are many more desperate apologies and begging for forgiveness, plenty more tears, and more rounds of orgasms than Maura had ever had.

They never made it off the couch.