Star: I'M HERE!!! AND I HAVE THE ONESHOT READY!!!
Faith: (looks out at the audience) Be happy - she got it done in a week and one day, instead of a month like before.
Star: (glares at Faith) Don't remind them of that! (grins at the audience) But moving on - we do not own Just Dance by Lady Gaga. Well, actually, I do own it - got it on iTunes today! OH! And the whole 'You would be dead' quote in the oneshot was technically from BBC's Primeval. But who cares? JUST DANCE! (dances)
Faith: (shakes head) She's hyper. Oh heck, I'll be hyper too! (dances) READ AND REVIEW!
Finally back in StarClan, in the familiar little room that we've all grown accustomed to, it's big screen TV freshly dusted, the couch cushions fluffed up to offer prime comfort, and a stash of gummy worms and other such candies hidden under Tallstar's side of the piece of furniture, three figures entered, arguing rather loudly.
Cause nothing can be quiet in StarClan. Rest in peace, yeah right.
"I'm telling you, Tallstar, I have no clue what happened to your Sprite! Get over it!" Lionheart huffed, plopping himself on the couch.
Whitestorm rolled his eyes as the WindClan leader discreetly reached under the couch for a box of gummy worms, the black-and-white tom muttering to himself as he ate the candy, and sat down on Lionheart's other side. "Why didn't Redtail come back with us?" He looked around, eyes alert and ears pricked. "And where're Oakheart and Tigerstar?"
Lionheart rolled his eyes, obviously in a foul mood. "Well, Redtail decided to not come back because he wanted to hang out with those weirdo she-cats, in stead of hanging out with us - he didn't even show up for our ping-pong game! We've been planning that for weeks! He was so excited, and I was finally gonna win that fifty mouse-tails back I lost at checkers!"
Whitestorm gave the golden tom a look, then just sighed. "And I take it that Oakheart and Tigerstar are still at the studio?"
"Tigerstar said he had a 'surprise' for Oakheart," Tallstar piped up. "And Oakheart said if it wasn't a new cell phone he was gonna take the old one and shove -"
"What are you guys doing up here?" Goldenflower was in the doorway with Frostfur, Willowpelt, and Silverstream. They all had varius looks of disappointment and annoyance on their faces.
"Yeah, I thought ya'll were staying at the studio from now on," Willowpelt eased past her friends and went to sit beside Whitestorm.
"Ugh, no," Lionheart snapped. "Why would we wanna stay there?"
"Well, are you gonna watch the show?" Silverstream came on in, and the other two, sharing a look, followed suit, coming in and squeezing in on the remaining amount of couch space.
"I don't care," Lionheart crossed his paws and turned away, unwittingly, towards Tallstar, who hissed and shielded his delightful gummy things away from the former ThunderClan deputy.
"What do you think, Tallstar?" Whitestorm asked, a wary look on his face as he did so.
"Eh, why not?" Came the reply, though distorted from being spoke around a mouthfull of candy.
"Who's on this time? I heard it was another two-parter," Frostfur spoke up, grabbing the remote with a bored expression on her face.
"Dunno," Tallstar meowed. "It's comin' on now, though - oh rats."
"What?" Goldenflower rolled her eyes, but asked anyway.
"I gotta go to the little kitten's room again. Excuse me," the former WindClan leader got up and walked away, pausing to glare at Frostfur, who held the remote. "Don't turn it on 'til I get back."
As soon as he was out of sight, Frostfur gave the remote to Goldenflower, a smirk on her face. "He told me not to turn it on," she purred. Goldenflower smirked as she hit the power button, and the show began, this time from a safe distance away.
At least, that's how Whitestorm felt about it.
---
"Hay-lo everybody!" A brown tabby she-cat was on stage, grinning rather maniacally at the cameras. "It's me, Willowfire, and I'm going to be co-hosting this episode! My fellow co-host, Darkeheart, is currently backstage torturi- I mean, negociating with Tigerstar over hosting rights to the show -"
"That's a load of fox-dung!" Brambleclaw burst out from backstage, covered in hot pink band-aids. "I'm the host, not you imposters! Get offa my stage!"
Willowfire turned and glared at the tabby tom, claws unsheathed. "Uh, excuse me? I'm the host now, buddy. Now go sit in the audience like a good little ThunderClan deputy."
"No, I'm hosting this show - I have a contract! Do you? Oh, no, I don't think so." Brambleclaw snarled, his eyes narrowed.
"Don't make me take you back stage, boy - I got syran wrap!" Willowfire hissed. Then she smirked and gave a loud caterwaul. "SECURITY!" And two sharp-tooths (perfectly trained, wearing shock-collars and black "SECURITY" shirts) came and dragged Brambleclaw away, hissing and spitting.
Tawnypelt looked at Squirrelflight, who was giving herself a nail-job. "Aren't you gonna do somethin'?"
Squirrelflight, who was still pretty peeved about her own episode, just tossed her head and went back to filing her claws into fine, sharp points. "Why should I? He obviously doesn't mind sleeping near Dustpelt and Cloudtail - he still hasn't begged for forgiveness yet."
Redtail, who was sitting on the front row, looked at the cat beside him, Ravenpaw, in confusion. "What's syran wrap?"
Ravenpaw shrugged his black shoulders, never looking away from the stage. "I dunno, but it sounds bad..."
"Hey, I want some stage time," Blackstar stood up from his seat, also in the front row.
"Sit yo' white butt down, Blackstar," Willowfire growled, glaring at the massive tom.
Russetfur jumped up to defend her leader. "Hey! Us ShadowClan cats never get any stage time!"
"Russetfur, shut up." Blackstar grumbled, and his deputy sat down quickly.
"Hey, why didn't we get front row seats? We're leaders too!" Onestar stood up with Leopardstar.
Willowfire just rolled her eyes. "Because you two aren't cool enough to have a front row seat. And neither Darkeheart or myself like you, Leopardstar. And Onestar, you really ticked me off back in Eclipse, so you wouldn't get any special privilages anyway." Said WindClan leader sat down, sulkily. The she-cat turned back to the cameras, a smile on her face. "Well, as I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted by a mad tabby, tonight is the Torture Oakheart Episode Part One!" She paused, and the studio audience applauded loudly. The spotlight hit the former RiverClan deputy, who's eyes were wide in shock. "And our first guest is... BLUESTAR!" Willowfire paused again while the audience applauded. "Unfortunately, Bluestar was unable to attend tonight, so we will be doing the show without her, because, apparantly, since she's so high-and-mighty, she was too good for us -"
"Hey everybody!" Darkeheart came from back stage, happily leading Tigerstar out on stage as well, the latter of which was holding a case of root beer in one paw and an opened two-leter in the other, drinking it quite contentedly, though he was staggering just a little. She bounced over to her tabby friend excitedly. "Did you start it yet?"
"Just about to - Oh, hey Tigerstar. Wanna make a joke or something about Oakheart, since this is his torture episode?" Willowfire offered, grinning.
Tigerstar sat his two-leter down and pointed out at the RiverClan tom, who was glaring at the stage. "You 'ad dis comin', Oaky! Textin' 'at she-cat in my studio..." And then he fell backwards, taking his open two-leter with him.
Willowfire arched an eyebrow at the tabby's slurred speech, looking at her glossy black-pelted friend, who just shrugged, a gleam in her blue eyes. "He had two other two-leters back stage. It has effects..."
"SEE!" Ravenpaw stood up in his seat. "I TOLD YOU!"
"Okay, moving on," Willowfire continued. "Oh crap - look at this mess!" She flicked her tail at the puddle of root beer beside Tigerstar. "CLEANING CREW!"
Darkeheart rubbed her ears. "Geez, you're loud tonight."
Her friend just shrugged as the cleaning cats came out with their mops and buckets, both being very noticably dark and thin. Both she-cat got grins of their faces. "You know," Willowfire remarked. "I'm so glad we promoted Nightcloud and her no-good mate to cleaning duty."
"As good as it is, we need to get this thing rolling," Darkeheart remarked. "HAWKFROST!"
Willowfire arched her eyebrow again. "And you called me loud."
"NO! I'M NOT COMING OUT UNTIL THE TIN FOIL IS GONE!"
The two she-cats shared a confused look. "Tin foil? We don't have any tin foil."
"Oh, okay, good." Hawkfrost came out on stage, but stopped short, glaring at Willowfire. "You said you didn't have any tin foil!"
Willowfire just smirked and held up a small elongated box. "This isn't tin foil, idiot - it's syran wrap."
"ONESHOT!" Darkeheart yowled, glaring at the two tabbies. "QUIT STALLING!"
"GEEZ, FINE!" Willowfire put her paws over her ears, while Hawkfrost just whimpered.
Bluestar sighed as she walked around the borders of StarClan. Even after so long away from her clan, she still enjoyed border patrols. Well, she did. She knew she should be content, but she felt... trapped.
She'd never really been the adventerous type, but she was - had been the leader of ThunderClan. She hadn't had time to dream of roaming and exploring, and she'd had everything she had needed to survive in the territory. There had been no reason to go off and leave her clan, all of the cats that had depended on her, to fend for themselves. But now... Now she was here for forever, and she already felt like there was nothing new to see.
No, she corrected herself. There was still something she hadn't really seen.
Either it was the rebellious, dangerous nature of the idea, or her own fascination and curiousity about the place that drove Bluestar to the edge of the Dark Forest. She hesitated slightly before crossing over, eyes glancing all over the shadowed territory, taking in the frail, distorted, faint scents around her.
She knew that the cats that inhabited the Place of No Stars were the outcasts, the evil of the clans. The cats that deserved this place. She knew of several in this place - cats from her own clan that had betrayed her, and others that had betrayed their clan to warrant their sentence to the Dark Forest. Her blue eyes narrowed at the thought.
A rustle in the bushes caught her attention. She pricked her ears, her eyes staring in suspision at the bush, waiting for something to step out of it. A low purr came from behind her, causing her to whirl around, her neck-fur bristling, to see Hawkfrost behind her.
"You'd be dead by now if it weren't me," he meowed smugly, sitting down and crossing his tail over his paws.
"Yes, well, I don't see how I have much to fear here," Bluestar replied, holding her head high as she regained herself.
"And what brings a distinguished leader like yourself, Bluestar, all the way from StarClan to our humble forest?" He asked, though she didn't take the compliment as such.
"You say that as if you enjoy it here," she remarked, sitting down herself, but keeping alert.
"You didn't answer my question."
Blue eyes glared into blue eyes for a moment, before Bluestar replied. "Just a little... excursion."
"I'd imagine it gets boring, being stuck with a bunch of good guys, huh?" Hawkfrost purred.
"And I suppose you don't get tired of being around the bad guys?" Bluestar narrowed her eyes.
"Eh, we don't run into each other at all - doomed to spend eternity alone in this endless night, and all that." He rolled his eyes in contempt. "Of course, Tigerstar manages to get around that all the time, I guess."
"Tigerstar always had a knack for getting around the rules," Bluestar muttered, then she stood. "Well, as much as I enjoyed our conversation, I'm afraid it's time for me to get back."
"Your pathetic, goody-goody friends will be missing you, no doubt," Hawkfrost narrowed his eyes at the former leader of ThunderClan.
She growled at his remark, but began walking back towards StarClan. "Goodbye, Hawkfrost." She heard him snort in reply, and as she glanced over her shoulder, she saw him disappear with a rustle of the ferns. But, as she quickly crossed the border back into StarClan's territories, she didn't see the icy blue eyes watching from the shadows.
"Okay, tune in next time for part two of The Hawkfrost Dating Show - TORTURE OAKHEART EPISODE!" Willowfire yowled at the camera, all smiles forgotten.
"Now, DANCE PARTY!" Darkeheart screeched, dancing on stage. "HIT IT LONGTAIL!"
The pale tabby tom up in the soundbooth put his over-sized headphones around his neck and began playing music. How can a blind cat work a soundbooth, you ask? Very carefully.
"WOOT WOOT!" Redtail joined them from back stage, wearing a ping-and-green wig, pink star glasses, and wearing... spandex? No, we don't want to know.
Ravenpaw jumped up on stage. "PAR-TAY!" Darkeheart cackled and pushed him off the stage, and he landed with a crash. "HEY! What was that for?" He glared up at the she-cat, who was high-pawing Willowfire.
"Eh, doesn't matter," Graystripe helped his friend back on stage, then struck a pose with the music. "JUST DANCE!"
"Ooh! I love Lady Gaga!" Tawnypelt jumped up, grabbing Rowanclaw. "COME ON!"
"Wait for me!" Squirrelflight jumped up as well, then, ignoring Brambleclaw (who had been released into the audience by Security), grabbed Stormfur and ran for the stage.
"HEY!" Brook yowled, chasing after them. "He's mine!"
---
The end credits were playing when Tallstar re-entered the room. "HEY! I told you guys not to play it without me!"
Goldenflower shrugged. "Oh well - you can get over it."
"Yeah, you aren't a leader anymore anyway," Frostfur remarked, snickering.
The black-and-white tom just huffed and went to his seat. He looked around, confused for a moment. "Hey, where's my chocolate fairy bunny?" He turned to glare at Lionheart.
The golden tom had a brown smear around his mouth, and had his paws crossed over his chest. "Life sucks. Redtail was my friend - not theirs!"
"Oh, just go get him, already!" Whitestorm growled. He'd gotten tired of listening to him moaning and griping over the other former ThunderClan deputy.
"Hey, Goldenflower, look at the time!" Willowpelt gasped from her spot beside the white tom. "We're gonna miss it!"
"Miss what?" Tallstar asked, covered in purple sugar from the box of Peeps he had opened.
"UGLY KITTY!" Goldenflower and Frostfur screeched together, as Goldenflower turned the channel.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The three toms yowled, but, alas, were helpless to change their fate.