Anyone still here?

I've brought an update!

All right, time to be serious. I'm sorry for it being six months, but RL was a bitch, and some things happened (both good and bad, mainly bad). But I'm back now and I'm going to try to get chapters out more regularly (as I always say I do!).

It's mainly the length that's getting to me (8k word ch!) and I need to try writing shorter ones. Expect ch 12 to be back to the old 4-5k limit and future chapters to follow that.

This ch is an angstfest but we have reached the bottom of the pit so the upwards climb has begun! (Maybe with some pitfalls).

Forget the Madoka AU, it didn't work out and I'm not going to think about writing any other fics when I'm so behind on hate.

Enjoy the ch.

Key

-thoughts that Shizuo and Izaya share-

Character thoughts of the respective p.o.v

[texts]

The warehouse where he had agreed to meet Igarashi was on the edge of a cul-de-sac near the docks. It was rather nondescript and isolated, perfectly suiting its use as a Yakuza meeting point.

Izaya could see the Awasuku bodyguards long before he got there, they were milling around the door like stupid cavemen, smoking cigarettes and scowling just like-

It was odd, he had seen Shizuo in a lot of things for the past five minutes. He missed him, it was making him miss him. He could fill the void, make everything better-

No he can't, I won't let him! Izaya shook as he thought. That's it, I'm officially insane, mad, crazy! I can't stop thinking about that freaky protozoan. He's in my head, slowly getting closer...

"Hey you, Yeah you!" A gruff voice called out. Izaya blinked and looked up, seeing it was one of the bodyguards. He wore a threadbare suit and had a flaky gold chain around his neck, seemingly in a misappropriated attempt to be fashionable.

"You either leave now, or state your business nice and clear and we work something out-". He called out feebly.

"I'm Izaya Orihara." Izaya interrupted loudly, trying to drown out the goons voice. "And I am here to see Igarashi for a check".

I can't deal with such an annoying human now, not with so much going on inside my head. I need to get rid of him as quickly as possible, if I can.

"Ok, ok, no need to get your panties in a twist kid. Igarashi's expecting you. You just need to wait a few minutes, he's, uh, dealing with some other clients". The guard stated slowly and made a placating gesture, as if Izaya was some little child.

This idiot really is low in the pecking order, he's overcompensating for something with his looks. Izaya thought drily, failing to stifle a twinge of annoyance at the way he was being treated. Its a pity that my information networks don't reach into the Awakusu yet. When they do, I can crush this small fry and have him dropped into Tokyo Bay with concrete shoes, along with Igarashi. No, I'm being petty, allowing my feelings to get to me... It's too late, The emptiness is looming, it's going to consume me. Shizu-chan is angry again! He's such a beast, a complete monster, and I-

"Kid, Your being awfully quiet... Has it finally hit you? That your life is actually hard enough, that you've been forced to enter the scary underworld of the Yakuza! Just like I did!" The guard snarked at him, emphasising the last words as if they would affect him.

And they did. Izaya would have snorted if he had not been surprisingly taken aback by what the guard had said.

"I'm not...". Like you, Izaya wanted to say, but the words stuck in his throat. "I chose this, joining the Awkausu-Kai is something I've always wanted to do. Everything else in life is boring, and-". He snapped his mouth shut, before he could embarrass himself further by trying to justify his choice to a common criminal. However, Izaya couldn't stop his cheeks from flaring slightly, as shame, combined with his bond pain, made him react to the insinuation.

The guard burst into laughter at his reaction and spat his cigarette out to stop it from going down his throat. "No one, at least no one sane, would willingly choose to become a criminal when they had the chance to lead a nice, normal, life. Seriously, you have the air of someone who has never experienced any difficulty in life and has had everything he wanted given to him on a silver platter, without knowing how lucky he is to have it. If Igarashi hadn't instructed us that you were a great priority for him, well, the boys and I may have tried having some fun with you. So c'mon, you can't be freaking serious with "choosing" this as a lifelong commitment. Something terrible must have happened, that made you join the Awakusu of all groups. Was it a debt, a crime against another group, or did you simply stick your dick in the wrong woman?'"

"I would never debase myself like you obviously have, no wonder your only a common thug" Izaya retorted coldly, deciding that he had at least reached his breaking point and would just banter with the thug. Strangely, it was helping him by taking his attention away from his bond. Which, made it hurt less, until-

"Oh wow, I must have touched a delicate nerve. So it's worse than what I suggested... Hmm, if it's that bad, then it can really only be one thing. You must have bonded unexpectedly, and is having a mental breakdown over it." The guard taunted him mockingly and broke out into wilder laughter than before when he saw Izaya's eyes widen, then turn into slits. "Lemme guess, It's the commitment of a bond that's the problem. Isn't it? Arguing with your girlfriend mentally, while all the time wanting to fuck other sluts, and not have a one time deal. Poor you, suffering because of a joke... That's what bonds are after all".

He couldn't help it, the idiots words stung him more than they should have. It was mind numbing, how ignorant they all were. His beloved humans were so lucky and they had no idea. They didn't have to deal with it, the sensations, the headaches, the hollowness. This, compiled with the fact that his embarrassment and suffering were being mocked by someone beneath him, made Izaya rage. Even more so, when he realised the feeling was sheer and unbowed like one of the beast's rages that he was bonded too. It was as if the bond was giving him Shizuo's emotions and characteristics, infecting him-

He lashed out.

"Don't say that, it's worse than you could ever imagine! Your lucky you're not bonded!" Izaya yelled and glared at the thug. "I hate bonds, they are a horrific parasite to deal with! Humanity would be better off without them!"

The guard eyes widened, and his mouth gaped open slightly. Then he began laughing at him for a third time, albeit slightly more nervously than before, Izaya noticed. However this didn't stop him from curling his mouth into a sneering smirk when he had finished, reminding Izaya of the expression he made when he ridiculed others.

What have I done? Letting this ant of a human get to me, TO ME. I'm still in control of everything, I have to be.I'm so close to achieving my goal of working with the Awakusu and being one step closer to Valhalla. Izaya took a deep breath as he attempted to stymy the doubt and confusion that was overcoming him. I need to stop focusing on these ridiculous thoughts and get back to navigating the precocious situation at hand. Me lashing out for a second time could ruin everything, my career with the Yakuza for one. I need to be cool, calm and collected from now on. But Shizu-chan, he's getting nearer, ruining everything...

Taking a shuddering breath, Izaya managed to contain his anger and speak calmly.

"I'm not bonded. I merely know someone who is bonded, and he hates every second of it. He calls it the worst thing thats ever happened to him, even more than the red-hot temper he was born with. I've been the subject of several of his rampages and had to run away from him many times. That's why I don't have a very high opinion of bonds, it's made him worse than he was before". He muttered slowly, enunciating every word.

Yes, Shizu-chan is worse, in everything. When he went on his angst filled ramble around Ikkebukuro, before our bond was separated, I felt every moment of despair and anger he went through. It hurt... The abyss of his bond loomed again and made his head ache, anchoring his mind to where it should be. Namely, on reuniting with Shizuo-

"Oh, Who do you know that's bonded? And you've had to run away from him, how pathetic." The guard jeered loudly, snapping him out of his wandering thoughts.

However the tremor of Izaya's bond didn't die down at the taunt, instead it began building. Shizuo was getting nearer after all,emboldening the phantom connection between then. Izaya could feel the shadow of its power coursing through him, greater than anything they had felt before. He hovered between disgust and awe, both at the prospect of being close to Shizuo again and at the potential of their bond. It made him shiver, feelings and senses quivering at the prospect of expanding and becoming more sensitive than on their own.

He could also feel the others anger, invading his senses and- . It didn't matter. All that mattered was the sensation, intoxicating as it was. Maybe he and Shizuo could stay close to each other just for the mere connection. Even if it went against everything that should be between them.

"Why are you suddenly staring at me so blankly? Heh, whatever...Your "friend" deserves to suffer being bonded, as he's an inhuman freak now". The guard said darkly, voice thick with something that hadn't been there before. "If you want to, after you've joined us, we could beat the ever-living crap out of him and his soulmate would feel every blow. That's a special kind of revenge, isn't it?"

Those words angered him more than anything else, harkening to a deep, primal, part of his bond. Izaya couldn't help the protective sensation that welled in his heart, even if it made him gag that he wanted to defend the beast.

"Shizuo Heiwajima"

"What?"

"Shizuo Heiwajima. He's the person that I know who's bonded. You should meet him someday and tell him what you just told me. I bet he'd love to show you how grateful he is by pummelling you into the ground". Izaya said in a biting tone, not quite believing what he was saying, and doing.

The guards face whitened at this news and he stumbled back slightly, cheap gold necklace clanging against his fat neck as he did so.

"Ah, that guy. I once faced against him with a few friends. He attacked us over some misunderstanding-. You don't need to know anymore. I don't believe you, he never lets anyone get away from him". He stuttered, expression blanching even more.

"So that's it. If you don't know about me, you must not be from around here then. I am the person Shizu-chan hates the most, he always chases me as I'm always causing him problems. This is because I know his emotional weaknesses and can use them against him. I've managed to develop quite the parkour skills because of him, as well as furthering the manipulation skills I already had. Both are things I'm sure will be of use to the Awakusu, and Igarashi in particular". Izaya said smoothly. "So I suggest you stay on my good side, or I'll set Shizu-chan on you. It's no skin off my nose, I'll be annoying two people I hate without any repercussions apart from a chase I've survived dozens of time before. With that, go back to Igarashi and tell him I'm here, it's getting boring waiting and talking to a runt like you. Also, don't tell him about what I just said, he won't do anything. I'm in his good books you see, he needs me to help him get further up into the Awakusu".

The guards face twisted into a look of fury for a moment and then seemed to mellow out.

"You don't know Igarashi kid. You're lesser than you think. He has more contacts than you could ever imagine, as he's been taking advantage of the turf war that the Awakusu is going through. I've said enough, its of no use to a small fry like you. Just know your place, you're not part of us yet. We can kick you out, or worse. There are dozens like you, like me, all trying to get up in the Awakusu. So stay in line, this is the only "friendly warning" you're getting". He spat at Izaya and turned to go.

He went to his fellows and talked to them, whispering something that made them glare in suspicion at Izaya and bicker among themselves. Eventually, one nodded and went into the building to deliver a message to Igarashi, one that Izaya wouldn't have liked or expected if he had heard it.

Currently oblivious to this, Izaya was having a headache of a different kind as the wave of power had begun to grow again and he had started to feel Shizuo's emotions and presence getting nearer. Shutting his mouth forcibly so he wouldn't yell anything incriminating and get himself kicked out, Izaya stalked over to a nearby fence and leant against it.

I'm nothing like that son of a bitch. I am above him, above them all. Even if Igarashi and his gang are some of my beloved humans, I will love them by seeing their expressions of despair as they lose everything they have. He thought and scrunched his foot in the dirt around him, imagining he was stepping on the bodyguards face.

As for my bond with Shizuo, I can't wait anymore, I have to face it as we'll soon be joined once more. How will I create a career with the Awakusu-Kai with a protozoan like him around? Also, I used him as a defence mechanism, while feeling protective OF him. Why did I do that? It's the bond, it's messing me up, making me do things I don't want to. Wait-. Izaya flinched as he felt his bond leech more strength from him. He'll be here earlier than I thought, before I've finished meeting with Igarashi! No, no, he can't come now and go on a rampage. Igarashi and his goons will try to fight him and the Awakusu will know about our bond. Then I'll never be able to have a career with them, and everything will be boring. On the other hand... I've never dealt with these feelings and emotions that my bond is giving me. Because if I face the truth, if Shizu-chan comes and reconnects our bond, then the hollowness will go down forever and I won't die to it. Then we'll be one and I'll-

No!

It was too late. The treacherous possibility that he had pushed away ever since he had learned he was bonded, and who he was bonded to, demanded his attention.

It had hounded him since it had first surfaced from his subconscious on the train that morning, and because his emotions were running so high, he couldn't postpone it any longer with Shizuo's arrival. Therefore, Izaya had to face it head on.

The only good thing was that he could hate it, hate it with every fibre of his being, even more than the monster he was bonded too. That's because it would equate him with the monster, and make everything he stood for, nothing.

Almost collapsing at the weight of what he had just realised, Izaya slumped back against the fence and reflected on everything in a desperate attempt to escape his breaking world.

There was nothing he could do, by thinking on everything that had happened to him because of his damn bond, Izaya could only come to one conclusion. If he was bonded to an inhuman monster, a beast such as Shizu-chan, then he couldn't be human. Meaning, He couldn't go to Valhalla and gain immortality to escape the non-existence of death. This was because he wouldn't be worthy enough of it, if he had to share it with a monster he now despised more than anything else in the world. The twisted connection between them guaranteed this, as Izaya knew, just knew from the dawning reconnection of his bond, that if he caused Valhalla then it would ensure that they would ascend together. He would never be able to that, his pride wouldn't allow him to be with someone he hated so much forever. However he had to escape death and non-existence, he had to. He was Izaya Orihara, a god-

No, he wasn't, he was nothing. Valhalla wasn't an option now, nor was any other solution for immortality. He couldn't do it, couldn't lower himself enough to take the beast with him. Unless he threw everything else away and accepted the beast as human, that his love could grow to include him in time-

Izaya laughed bitterly at this, it was a challenge even he couldn't attempt. It was much easier to take the cowards route and run away from his problems, and as he was a coward, he took it. That meant accepting Valhalla had vanished, had slipped through his fingers as soon as he had bonded with Shizuo Heiwajima.

Rabid anger overtook him as he realised that he had lost everything, absolutely everything. Heck, His anger wasn't even entirely his own. Some of it was the beasts, infecting him as it had done before. Izaya could sense it enveloping him... Oh how the protozoan was angry! From the chaotic mixture of hurt and fury that Izaya was feeling from his end of the bond, Shizu-chan was probably angry at him, and was coming to kill him!

Despite the breakdown of his plans and the accompanying despair of it, Izaya still didn't want to die. He wanted to avoid the non-existence of it for as long as he possibly could, and cling to what he had left for his future. Namely creating a career with the Awakusu-Kai to avoid a boring life and ensuring he had an enjoyable one by playing with his humans and bonded for the rest of his years. Even if they were poor replacements for his future after his glorious plan for Valhalla had been taken away, he had to do his best to fulfil them.

I can't give up completely, I have to do what I can to avoid death and survive. Izaya thought maniacally, furrowing his brow intensely as he focused on solving his conundrum. I'd do anything... Which brings me to the matter of Shizu-chan and the present. I need to speed up my "check" with Igarashi and get it over as quickly as possible. Sadly it doesn't seem possible with that goon taking so long, something must be taking up his attention... Or, Igarashi must really see me as disposable, as the goon originally said. He tutted and began tapping his foot in a pointless rhythm to try to contain his growing fury. More pressingly, I'll have to reason with Shizu-chan via our bond. To stall him, or better yet, stop him from attacking Igarashi's men to get to me.

As he was pondering this, Izaya tensed in horror as he was hit by yet another revelation. It had been lost in his despair over losing his plan for immortality, as he had been so comfortable in his ignorance of it. The knowledge hit him hard, knocking all the depreciative anger out of him and replacing it with a deep, harrowing, sorrow. This time he really did collapse against the wall, and clung to it desperately for menial support. Then he put his head in his hands and cradled it gently, in a pitiful attempt at self consolation as he had no one else to do it.

I... I'm a monster, aren't I? A freak just like all the other bonded and Shizu-chan, no longer fitting in with my definition of humanity. It comes with finally facing my bond, Its... I'm stuck with Shizu-chan and thus have to settle our bond as part of my new plan if I want to avoid dying early. Therefore, We have to be together from now on, to ensure that we never part and die because of the separation condition. Just, instead of love between us, its hatred as the foundation of our bond. I'll always hate him and he'll always hate me... Yes, something solid to believe in... Always we'll be together, twisted feelings and all, two monsters in a loveless, but powerful bond. Yes, that power! I can use that now! It also means I can still keep my "love" purely for humanity, even if it's now rotten and shallow.

With that, and the power of their imminent connection coursing through him, Izaya accepted that in a sick, twisted way, he and Shizuo Heiwajima were equals.

His heart pounding, Izaya got up and took his first few breaths as a monster, feeling unsteady in his new position.

Hopefully I can reason with Shizu-chan now, somehow. He's just as pissed off as I am because of my -our- bond. My god hood and Valhalla, immortality, Shizu-chan didn't ruin them for me, the bond did. That means he's not really to blame for it, it's not either of our faults for the connection between us. I can welcome him as a fellow monster! He reckoned and smiled differently than before. Instead of a perfect façade, it was now crooked and broken, mirroring his new beliefs.

Soon I won't be alone anymore! Shizu-chan, the second half of my bond, will be here soon! Izaya internally jeered and then frowned as he felt his chest warm up for a reason he couldn't discern. What the hell!? I feel...strangely light, relieved. I've never- no I've felt this before. It was in the morning, I had just woken up after bonding and... I'm not lonely, am I? He shook his head in confusion to stop it distracting him from his melancholy state. That doesn't matter now, I need to focus on Shizuo and...

-concern, for him, his bonded-

Shizu-chan is concerned, for me!? That's impossible, he would never feel that for someone he hats, especially me. He's incapable of that kind of emotion, he's a monster... Like I am now. Except, going back to that morning, he did the same. But he didn't know it was me, so it can't be real. I would never care for any of my humans like that, its- my "love" is different. It's illogical to love any one person, unless those feelings could be fully returned and I've never felt anything like this-

The warmth spread and Izaya choked back something, feeling his cheeks flush slightly as the bond connection deepened. Part of him was cringing and wanted to scream, to lash out at what his bond was presenting to him. It was all too much, his bond was reaching out to a hidden desire within him, something he had never knew he wanted.

"Hey, Igarashi is ready to see you!". A brittle, but not unkind voice, called out to him from the direction of the warehouse.

Still in turmoil, Izaya didn't register the new presence for a few moments, until he heard a disgruntled cough and someone walking towards him. Quickly hiding his face, he tried to compose himself, not wanting to appear weak before any of his beloved humans. Especially a stranger and one that was part of the organisation he wanted to work with.

"Oi, did you hear me? I'm kinda in a rush here. I was just leaving to go to a different meeting and offered to relay the message to you. God you look dreadful, all worn out and pale. You, you all right?" The voice from before said, turning from irritation to worry.

"I'm fine". Izaya replied faintly, the strain of his bond and emotions barely apparent in his tone. He then turned and finally saw who had spoken to him. It was not who he had expected.

It was a balding, middle-aged man, wearing a crumpled business jacket and shirt with an orange tie, and, black slacks. Izaya was slightly taken aback at this, as it was obvious from his words, that he worked for Igarashi and the Awakusu-Kai, but didn't look anything like the typical Yakuza goon that he had seen before.

The man sighed and looked at him ruefully, signalling that he was uncomfortable at the attention. Izaya noticed this and promptly looked away, cheeks pinking again from embarrassment.

"Don't worry, your not the only one to stare at me like that. As if I was some sort of "old fogey" that had no business in being part of the Yakuza. I'm used to it by now, people thinking that someone such as me can't have an exciting life of crime and still be so boring looking". The man deadpanned, then snickered loudly, as if it was some joke only he was in on.

Izaya made a blank face and stared at him expressionlessly. Although he looked calm and sober, the emotional toil of his bond was making his heart beat frantically. To add to it, he was completely unsure of what to make of the man and whether he was a threat.

The man mimicked his facial expression and stared back at him for a few moments. Then, just as Izaya had been about to dismiss him curtly and leave for his check, he smiled abruptly and chuckled softly.

"You are high-strung, aren't you? Don't worry, joining the Awakusu-Kai isn't nearly as scary as it actually is. We, or at least most of the people I know in it, are just a bunch of sillies messing around and trying to make a killing". The man whispered evenly and snickered the same as before. "By that, I mean that we are just trying to eke out as great a living as we can at the cost of others, as the evil bastards we are". He added and snickered for a third time.

Izaya was beginning to find it annoying.

"Hmm, well it seems my efforts are backfiring. I was hoping to make you relax, not make you even more nervous. Sorry". The man blabbered randomly, but with an intent look in his eyes. "Look, I-". He checked his watch and swore when he saw the time. "I really do have to go, I'm gonna be late enough as it is. I just, I just wanted to tell you that you don't need to be so worried about joining the Awakusu. Also, I hope you do well in your check with Igarashi, as slimy a bastard he is to join under".

Izaya forced himself to smile at the pathetic endearment. Mainly to try to get the man to leave as his attitude wasn't helping with assuaging his inner turmoil.

"Don't worry, I'm full aware that Igarashi is a "slimy bastard" from his behaviour during my dealings with him. In actuality, I just want to join the Yakuza more than anything. Because it's the most interesting career path for me". Izaya stated calmly, masking his current of uncertainty at how much he should give away to the stranger.

"You sound just like someone I know, a fellow Awakusu-Kai actually... Well, by the sounds of it, you have the right way of looking at it. So don't worry about Igarashi, or anything, with your check. I look forward to working with you when the time comes. Lastly, just, ah, as a matter of principle, my name is Kine". The man declared and held out his hand in greeting.

Izaya shook it, feeling odd about the exchange.

Kine stood back and coughed, ostensibly preparing to say something else.

"As I said, I am late- but I like you, so I'm going to give you a fair warning. Don't hide anything from the Awakusu and be honest in your check, especially with Igarashi. Soooo, on that note, See ya around!" He said and shuffled away, giving Izaya an awkward hand wave as he went.

In contrast to his mood, Izaya found himself half smiling as Kine went. Intrigued by the warning he had just been given, and that Kine had succeeded in calming him down in some bizarre way.

I wonder just how much of that exchange, on his part at least, was genuine...

"Oi you, Igarashi's waiting and wondering what the hold up is!" A thug yelled at him.

"I'm ready, show me the way". Izaya said and smirked brokenly.

The thug scowled at him and beckoned for him to follow.

Doing so, Izaya allowed himself to be waived into the warehouse as the bodyguards sent them through. Despite his recent metamorphosis, his lips curled into a shadow of his old smirk as he felt the culmination of all his efforts nearing.

Finally I'll be able to do something exciting! Even if I do feel worried, I'm going to be working with the Awakusu-Kai and have access to so much information and connections! It's going to be fun!

Izaya turned a corner and stopped, thoughts stone cold, at the horrific sight that greeted him. It was too late to escape Igarashi's gaze and he didn't want his bond acting up again, especially with what he was seeing.

Despite all his efforts, fear and repulsiveness echoed down his bond, turning it into a cacophony of pure feelings that Shizuo would certainly react to.

This is the reality of the Yakuza, in all its glory. Izaya realised as Igarashi smiled a twisted smile and stepped forward to greet him. What have I gotten myself into?

Shizuo ran onto the platform just as a train arrived. People yelled and jumped aside as he tore through the waiting crowd to get to it before it left.

Although its doors started shutting as he approached it, He roared and stopped them. Breathing deeply in exertion, he then stomped inside, leaving deep dents in the floor.

Those who had been unlucky enough to get on before he did, cowered back in fear as he paced up and down the now moving carriage. The stress of the situation also made several small children and babies cry, increasing his frustration as he attempted to calm himself down.

I'm already far past my boiling point, that fucking flea! He just had to get involved with the Yakuza, probably because he wants to have a "career" with them. Fuck that! Even if I knew he wanted to do it, Shinra should have told me he was meeting them today. Shizuo tensed at the various noises in the carriage, mainly the mothers failing to calm down their children and people whispering about him. I wish they would just shut the fuck up, somehow! Before I hurt any of them! I'm not used to being in such a crowded, cramped space as this.

He growled and reached for his cigarettes, only to find air in his shirt pocket.

Wait... Where are my cigarettes? He thought as he patted himself down in a vain attempt to further search for them. Fuck, I must have left them at home. They did calm me down before, so- No, I can't use them again, Izaya vomited because of them, because of me. I need to stop... yes, I need to stop, stop blaming Izaya for things to do with our bond that are actually my fault, and stop causing him harm with my stupidity. He's not completely blameless, he's the fucking flea, a coward who would rather run away and join the Yakuza and not even attempt to solve his problems. I'm just an idiot in a different way, I rage like a little kid and hurt people without thinking. Both of us, I -we- need to start fixing this mess of a bond and get on with it before it's too late, before we end up dead.

Still angry, but more at himself than who he was bonded too, Shizuo sobered up and looked out of the window of the train into the revolving darkness. He allowed himself to actually think things through for once, something he did all too rarely as it usually made him more angry by forcing him to face his own faults. Even in his initial rush that there was no time to think, no situation called for it more than the current predicament of his bond. By stewing in his thoughts, to make sense of his feelings and place in his bond with Izaya, Shizuo hoped he would be able to solve some of it before he saw the other again.

Ok, as much as I hate to admit it, I was wrong about Izaya. Well, slightly wrong. He's still a dirty manipulator and liar who views everyone as being beneath him due to his "love of humanity", treating them more like toys than real people. Heck, he sees me as nothing more than a "monster" who can't love due to my strength. But, even with that, he's better than I thought he was. From what Shinra told me about the middle school incident where Izaya took the blame for his stabbing in order to freely punish the true evildoer on his own terms, it shows me that he's willing to stand up for his friends in his own fashion. However, he was so damn secret about it, as if his affection for a friend was a weakness to hide. It must be how he views personal relationships, he's afraid to get emotionally invested as he thinks they are not worth it with the pain and hassle they bring. Its fear then, pure and simple, that drives Izaya's Orihara's life in everything he does. He also has a great fear of death, his fucked up beliefs like "Valhalla" and "immortality" prove that. It's his cowardly nature, he'd do anything to prevent dying, even to the detriment of everything else in his life. I need to assure him somehow, show him that life is worth living in spite of his fears.

Shizuo chuckled grimly at this thought, amused that he was trying understand Izaya, the person he was supposed to hate more than anyone else.

I do still hate him though, considering all the shit he's done to me in the past month, but I must accept that I've judged him far too harshly so far. The first words I said to him were "I don't like you" and "shut up". Not exactly welcoming ones. Huh... I think, I think that I may hate Izaya Orihara just a bit less now, all thanks to Shinra. It will take a long time to get over this hatred, if I ever do, but I have to try! Yes, I have to reunite with him... Wait! My brain has started hurting, it's making my bond ache.

The sensation was such, that it reminded Shizuo of the state of his strength when he had been ten years old. Back then, he had broken all his bones again and again in an endless cycle of pain and humiliation, until they had adapted to his inhuman ability. Now it was almost exactly the same, except mentally. That meant that he and Izaya's bond would repeat the cycle, unless he stopped it somehow.

No, I'm not going to go through all that again. I refuse to keep hurting Izaya, and I'm going to be strong for him from here on out! The time for pain and separation between us is over, since he's now definitely going to be in my in my life to some extent. Maybe I can change him, not hate him anymore... I'll change as well of course. It would end the conflict between us and we could finally be free of it. He reflected dizzily, almost happily. I can't do it, Izaya would try to kill me in my sleep if I tried. Yeah, He wouldn't like peace between us one bit... Get a hold of yourself Shizuo. You still hate him, even with all your recent revelations. It's just the hormones of your bond making you mad, loving Izaya at all would be a terrible thing.

His phone suddenly rang, making Shizuo jump when he realised that he had forgotten it was in the left pocket of his trousers.

Fishing it out and looking at the caller ID, Shizuo saw that it was his brother. If it was anyone else he would have smashed it into pieces and dumped it. But as it was his brother, Shizuo answered it without hesitation. He stalked over to a nearby seat as people fled from him, leaving him entirely alone in the row of chairs.

"Kasuka, what is it?" He asked, voice hoarse.

"Nii-San, I just wanted to give you a quick call. To remind you that whatever happens, you're not alone. Oka-San and I, your friends, we're all here for you. Remember when I once said that you would one day find someone who would bond with you and love you irredeemably? As crazy as it sounds, maybe Izaya-San is that someone. So don't lose hope about your bond, go and get him and work things out". His brother said blandly, but Shizuo could sense that he meant what he was trying to convey.

"Thank you Kasuka, for putting up with me, and not giving up on me. If I somehow die to my freaking bond, then know that I love you. Tell Oka-San, and Oto-San the same, when he eventually comes home from work".

"Nii-san, don't give up! No matter how tough it gets! If your too far from home, then find a hospital and get Izaya-San and yourself into a bond suite. I know you don't like them, but it's an emergency and its better to be safe than sorry".

"Kasuka..."

"Nii-San, you and Izaya-San need to stabilise your bond. A bond suite would be the best place, as it means both of you can finally settle it in a secure location, without being separated. Then our parents and I can come see you, with Shinra-San, and sort everything out. It would also let you have your bond be registered sooner than later, so you can have the benefits associated with it".

Shizuo chuckled and smiled, calming slightly as his brothers concern dulled his anger. "Your making this into a big deal, aren't you? You want us to do everything by the book from now on, all nice and proper".

"Nii-San, you almost died! Shinra-San told me you and Izaya-San have gone with an unfulfilled bond for three days, and that's very dangerous". Kasuka said quietly, more serious than Shizuo had ever heard him. "I don't want to lose you, so please do as I say. If not for my sake, then Izaya-Sans. Promise me, please Shizuo".

Surprised at his brothers use of his full name, Shizuo sobered.

"I promise Kasuka, I'll do everything in my power to save both of us. I won't allow Izaya to suffer for my mistakes anymore. If I have to beat up a dozen Yakuza bosses and goons to reunite us, then drag Izaya kicking and screaming to the nearest hospital to settle our bond, I will, you have my assurance". He whispered lowly, making a silent vow.

"Thank you Nii-San... Oh The Yakuza? is it Izaya-San? I know, he wants to get involved with them. From what I've heard of your bonded, I get a vibe that he wouldn't want an ordinary life. Joining the Yakuza must be his way of rebelling against the social norm". His brother said perceptively. "I have to admit Nii-San, I can't wait to meet Izaya-San, the person who bonded with my brother out of all others. I'm glad you bonded with someone interesting, rather than some boring girl". He added, the pitch of his voice rising slightly, signalling that his brother was attempting to be humorous.

Shizuo laughed and smiled quietly to himself, glad that he had such a brother to cheer him up.

"Your insightful Kasuka. I can only hope that we can reach a compromise over that, if were going to be bonded for life. As an ordinary life is something I want the most, Izaya and I are going to have to strike a balance between them somehow. With my monstrous strength messing things up, maybe I can surprise myself. The Yakuza seems-". Shiuzo froze and clutched his phone hard, almost crumpling it in his hand with the force he was exerting.

I can feel my bond acting up, Izaya is closer than I thought. He's not moving, which is good, but he's- Shit! What the fuck is going on? If they hurt him at all, I'll rip them into shreds! Shizuo thought wildly, face heating up as his anger returned in full force.

"Nii-San!? Nii-san! What happened? Is everything ok? Is Izaya hurt and you need to get to him?". His brothers bland, but oddly frantic voice finally reached him. "I'm going to hang up, If its bad.".

"It's all right Kasuka, I'm fine. It's just our bond smartening, Izaya is in a delicate situation with some Yakuza. Your right though, its bad and I need to go and hurry to him as fast as I can. Goodbye, thank you for your advice and words of encouragement". He whispered back.

"Good luck Nii-San! Remember our promise and get to a hospital as quick as you can". Kasuka finished and hung up.

Putting his phone away with shaking hands, Shiuzo got up and quickly began moving through the carriage as the train slowed, the doors opened, and people got on and off. Ignoring the shouts of panic and frustration as newcomers once again ran away from his hulking shape, he got to a subway map to calculate which stop he would need to get off to where Izaya was. Although it made his head hurt from its nonsensical patterning, Shizuo grit his teeth and kept looking.

Suddenly, the burgeoning sensation of his bond abruptly ended and changed. It began growing, reaching for its other half as it got nearer and nearer. His mind criss-crossing, Shizuo felt himself shiver in anticipation as the newly awakened power of his bond made itself known.

Beginning with a creeping sense of dread, Shizuo knew he was starting to feel Izaya's emotions. Izaya was angry as well, and hurt, and confused, and-

Now it was even worse, so much pain and doubt. Izaya's beliefs, which were such a core part of him, were changing.

No flea, your stronger than this, fight it! I'm coming, I won't let anything distract me now! It's the stop after this, the train is still the faster than me just running down the tracks. Then, when I'm out, it should only be a few minutes to the warehouse where you and those Yakuza bastards are... Please be all right! I want to protect you, Izaya, believe me I do. I don't want to hurt you anymore.., or anyone. He smiled thinly at the direction his thoughts were taking. You know Izaya, if you can hear me that is, I really hate violence. I mean it, I REALLY hate violence, more than anything else in this fucking world, even you. Except, this time -Yeah, flea, I'm infecting you with my anger and it seems I have your sadism in return- I'll make an exception. After all,Those Yakuza bastards are hurting my bonded, and I should punch their faces in for it.

Shizuo clenched his teeth and barred them in a feral scowl as the maelström of his bond grew at this admission, becoming too much for him to handle without giving into its beckons to do something to reunite with his bonded. He punched the wall in a last-ditch effort to deal with it, focusing on expending his fury through force in trying to filter it.

Shizuo recognised exactly what he was going through, and the bond was amplifying it. It was the primal urges that came from growing up with his strength, impulses that made him want to just smash through everything until he dealt with what caused his rampaging. Usually it was Izaya and he got through by exhausting himself until he snapped out of it. But now it was the laughable opposite, because of people who were hurting Izaya.

Then he heard screams and flinched when he saw that he had punched through the side of the train and that his shirt sleeve was torn and covered in metal shit from the wall. To add to it, his bond was roaring at him to give up and get on with it before it was too late.

Drawing it out, he stared at his fist as he heard everyone running away from him, leaving him alone as the monster they saw him as. This was notable, as he had just sensed the resonance within his bond that the flea had decided that they were both monsters, joined in a loveless bond as equals.

Instead of breaking down, even with the negative connotations of his bond washing over him, Shizuo smiled brightly at his fist. He spread out his fingers and wiggled them, watching his muscles ripple over them as they moved, as if he was seeing his strength for the first time.

Its because Izaya was wrong, he wasn't a monster because of his strength. It was part of who he was, and he was just as human as everyone else.

Even if he had just recently gone on a day long rampage, and would probably rage again because of the flea or some other stupid reason, Shizuo knew he had to accept his strength to fight Izaya's Conclusion.

And...

Fight for what he had waited for so long, ever since he was little.

A bond.

He would show the flea- Izaya, his bonded, that there was nothing to fear about it.

Fuck his plans for Valhalla and immortality or whatever, Shizuo would be there for him, whatever happened. Even if Izaya still saw him as a fucking annoyance and hated him to an extent, he would give him a chance.

He had to. They were bonded after all, for life.

It made him titter, then chuckle, then roar out loud with laughter as he ruminated on it more.

This was because it was all about lemons. Well, life and lemons and Izaya Orihara.

It can't be this easy, can it? No, it's the way the flea views the world, not giving a fuck about anything, about how people see you. That's why it's about lemons... "When life gives you lemons make lemonade", equals that I should accept society's view of me as a monster and my bond and bow down to their expectations. AKA make the best of my situation. Well, fuck that, fuck lemons. I don't even like them, their sour and bitter... And I should start viewing the world more like the flea does. He thought excitedly and grinned manically, using all of his will to force his rage down further at the triumphant direction his thoughts were taking.

I still hate him, because of everything he's done to me and what he stands for. But this is a beginning, a beginning to the end of everything. Our bitter feud has to end now, with the reconnection and culmination of our bond. However, I'll only try and compromise if he agrees to as well. We're going to be facing a lot of shit together because of the Yakuza and being bonded and we'll need to be on the same page to get through it. I'm confident we can survive anything that comes at us. After all, we did survive each other.

He took a deep breath and tried to relax as the train began slowing again. Just one more stop and he could get off and run to his bonded.

Then his bond exploded.

-fear, horror, a threat-

Fuck no! I'm not gonna let them hurt you, flea! Not after everything, and my determination to change.

His bond became too much and his anger overwhelmed him as Shizuo saw white from the force of Izaya's emotions.

What happened next was a blur, and he would never recall exactly what happened.

He vaguely remembered roaring and tearing open the doors to the train, bystanders throwing themselves aside as he ran through the station to get to his bonded.

Then at some point there was wind in hair as he had leapt up and off a building to get to another.

The only constant was the drive of his bond that kept him going. The want, the need, to reunite with Izaya Orihara in the face of all that had happened, and a want to face a future with him before they both had an ungainly end because of their bond.

It kept him going all the way, to a certain warehouse near the docks.

I hope this wasn't too confusing (some reviewers expressed worries that my writing was hard to follow, and I hope its simplified :S). I dunno when ch 12 will be ready, but know that I am working on it, slowly but surely. I have started it and it is 4k words so far, no idea if it'll be as long as ch 11 but it'll be done when it's done.