Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.

A/N: Blame TV Tropes for this one, folks. They just HAD to have a section called Memetic Molester with a hilarious picture of Haruhi; and I JUST HAD to see it by accident. Try to enjoy this without cringing too much. Contains A LOT of OOCness and breaking the 4th wall. Just thought I'd warn you all.

Will the Real Memetic Molester, Please Stand Up?:

It was a relatively pleasant day in the SOS Brigade clubroom. Haruhi was browsing the internet, Kyon was doing some Algebra homework, and Itsuki was sipping some tea with honey in it. Yuki had gone next door to help the Computer Club with a new game and Mikuru had rushed out to get some more tea leaves.

All was well, until Haruhi let out a loud, boisterous laugh from behind the computer.

"Ha, ha, ha! Once again, I reign supreme over the internet!" proclaimed Haruhi. This caught Kyon's attention.

"What are you so happy about?"

"Come over here, Kyon! You're about to see something great!"

Kyon trudged over to Haruhi and saw that see was on a website called "TV Tropes". He'd heard of that before. The site was filled with details on plots, character types, genres, and just about virtually anything on categorization. Kyon had many hours of his life eaten by this site in the past.

"What am I looking at?" asked Kyon.

Haruhi jabbed a finger at the title of the page she was on. "Look!"

Kyon squinted his eyes at the title which read 'Memetic Molester'. There was also a picture of Haruhi making her trademark evil face. Beneath it was a caption that read 'IT'S RAPE TIME!'. He gaped in complete surprise.

"What the fuck is this!?" Kyon shouted, causing Haruhi to glare at him.

"THIS Kyon... is the newest title of yours truly! So far, I've been a 'Genki Girl', a 'Depraved Bisexual', an 'Ice Queen', and a 'Jerk With a Heart of Gold'. I am now qualified to be a trope namer! Isn't that wonderful!" Haruhi smiled joyously.

"YOUR'E ACTUALLY PROUD OF THIS CRAP!?!?" Kyon exclaimed, slack-jawed.

"Why can't you ever be happy for me!? I go through all the trouble of making it on the TV Tropes list of famous Memetic Molesters and you don't even show me a shred of kindness! What's up with that, huh?"

Upon hearing the words, Memetic Molester, Itsuki stopped drinking his tea and spat it across the room. He spun to face Haruhi and Kyon, bewilderment in his eyes.

"WHAAAAATTTTT!?!? IF THERE'S ANYONE ON THIS SHOW WHO DESERVES TO BE ON THAT LIST, IT'S GOTTA BE ME!!! NOT YOU!!!" Itsuki yelled at the top of his lungs.

"O RLY?" said Haruhi, making Kyon quirk an eyebrow at Haruhi's choice of words.

"YA RLY!" said Itsuki, making him and Haruhi resemble certain birds from a certain internet meme. Kyon slapped his forehead in annoyance. Couldn't they just have a regular day for once?

"Why do you think you'd make a better 'Memetic Molester', hmmm?" asked Haruhi, while she circled Itsuki like a hungry shark.

The esper gave a hearty chuckle. "Quite simple. If people are accosted by a female sex offender, then it's sexy. However, if it's a man doing it, then it's incredibly disturbing. Being a true Memetic Molester is all about being creepy. Plus, only Xemnas of the Kingdom Hearts series and I can only pull off this look."

Itsuki then proceeded to give Haruhi a very freaky Pedo Smile; which involved him tilting his head to the left, opening his eyes halfway, and exposing his teeth in a crocodile smile. Kyon cringed; he'd seen that look enough times in his life to know that would scare anyone. Except Haruhi.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You call that scary? That wouldn't even startle Mikuru! Fine then! We'll settle this with a contest. Bring somebody pure of heart to startle with your perverseness! I shall do the same. We'll meet back here in two hours. And by the end of the day, we'll both know who the REAL Memetic Molester is! ....ME!" proclaimed Haruhi.

"All right! You're on, Miss Suzumiya!" The esper and the goddess then shook hands to seal the deal. Kyon was horrified beyond belief.

"DON'T SHAKE HANDS! THAT JUST MAKES THIS ENTIRE THING EVEN WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS!!!" he screeched. But the two were already rushing out the door to the clubroom.

Kyon then proceeded to bang his head against the nearest wall, repeatedly.

An Hour Later....

Kyon was still in the clubroom when Itsuki returned. Why Kyon just didn't leave right then and there is anybody's guess.

"Ah! Looks like I got here first! Kyon, meet the person who's going to help me win this contest!" Itsuki said excitedly, while stepping aside to reveal a young girl. Kyon recognized her instantly. He had written about her in an essay for a Literary Club assignment. She was around his sister's age, but looked a lot older.

"Wait a second........ IS THAT MY SISTER'S SCHOOL FRIEND, MIYOKO!?" Kyon yelled.

Itsuki grinned. "She sure is!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"

"W-What am I doing here?" Miyoko asked, clearly scared out of her wits. "I was at a friend's house when this weird guy took me! Y-Y-You're not g-g-gonna hurt me are you?"

"Of course not! We just need your help with a contest I'm having with a friend!" said Itsuki.

Miyoko looked surprised. "Oh? What kind of contest?"

"I need you to see if I'm more capable of harboring pedophilic tendencies!" chirped Itsuki.

"EXCUSE ME!?" said a flabbergasted Miyoko.

Luckily (or unluckily), Itsuki's explanation was interrupted by the clubroom door opening. Kyon saw that it was Haruhi. She was holding someone's hand, but Kyon's view was blocked by the door.

"Sorry to keep you all waiting!" Haruhi said, beaming. She pulled her unfortunate victim into the room.

"HARUHI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SISTER!?!?" howled an enraged Kyon.

"Winning this contest, that's what I'm doing! YOUR'E GOING DOWN, KOIZMUMI!" crowed Haruhi.

"Fat chance, Suzumiya!" Itsuki shouted back.

"I AM GOING TO KILL BOTH OF YOU IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAYS POSSIBLE, IF YOU DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE TO THESE KIDS," warned Kyon, whose face was now red as a tomato. Haruhi and Itsuki still ignored him.

"Hi, big brother!" Kyon's sister said, waving to him. "Haruhi came by our house and said she needed my help with something important! I wanted to go ask mom for permission, but Haruhi said if I came without making any noises, she would give me candy! Isn't that nice of her?"

Kyon's jaw fell to the floor. It took an inhumanly amount of willpower for him not to stomp over to Haruhi and snap her neck like chicken to be used for gumbo.

"YOU KIDNAPPED MY LITTLE SISTER AND BRIBED HER WITH CANDY!?!? WHAT THE HELL, HARUHI??!! IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU!?" Kyon roared. They ignored him. Again. He might as well be Yuki.

"All right then," said Haruhi, rubbing her hands together, while grinning demonically, "I'll let you go first, Koizumi. Try not to lose too fast!"

Itsuki smirked. "I don't intend to lose!"

The esper flexed his neck muscles a bit, before he kneeled down to face Miyoko. The poor girl was shaking in fear; she obviously had no idea what was going on.

"Now, Miyoko..." said Itsuki, soothingly. "Does this frighten you?"

He then did the look he had done earlier in the clubroom, only the creepiness factor was amplified by the fact that Itsuki was holding right hand in front of his chin with his index finger raised, giving him the appearance of a child rapist. Miyoko flinched a little, but didn't seem that terrified. Haruhi gave a high-pitched laugh, which caused Itsuki to frown.

"Oh, come on! This face doesn't scare you? Any sensible person would be terrified by this facial expression!" he said, angrily. Miyoko seemed to get angry as well.

"I'm twelve years old, you moron!" she yelled.

Itsuki blinked at this. "Really?"

"Yes, I am!"

"Huh... I thought you were six..."

NOW Miyoko looked scared. Haruhi continued laughing for a few minutes, before she regained her composure and went over to the younger sibling of Kyon.

"Oh, sure! She looked REALLY afraid of your smile! Now watch how a real Memetic Molester strikes fear into her victims!" the goddess jeered. She turned to Kyon's sister.

Crap! thought Kyon, Haruhi will traumatize my sister for life, if I don't do something fast! ...Wait! I got it! I am a genius!

As Kyon started to dial a number on his cell phone, Haruhi was kneeling down in order to face his sister. The poor kid had no clue about her ulterior motive...

"Okay, Kyon's sis, I'm going to make a spooky face and I want your opinion on it. Understand?" asked Haruhi. In response, Kyon's sister nodded enthusiastically.

"Good!" said Haruhi. Sending a sneer in Itsuki's direction, she then sent the most epic rapeface ever made in the direction of Kyon's sister. It involved her eyes narrowing to the point of looking like the eyes of the Velociraptors in Jurassic Park, her hair was slightly spilling over the majority of her forehead providing a serial killer-like look, and she wore a smile that was most commonly seen on a snake before it swallowed its helpless prey. It was truly terrifying...

But not to Kyon's sister.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's a really funny face, Haruhi!" she giggled. Haruhi's face of victory died instantly.

"Funny? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? THAT WAS MY BEST RAPEFACE EVER! I put my heart and soul into it! That look wasn't supposed to be funny! It was supposed to say "Prepare yourself for a semen-stained death in my basement of doom!"! Not be funny! What's wrong with you?!" Haruhi whined. Itsuki was laughing his ass off.

"Well... She laughed, so it looks like I win!" swaggered Itsuki. Haruhi gave him a venomous glare and stomped up to him.

"What do you mean you win? My contestant was younger, so it was more disturbing. Your helper looks like she could be fifteen! And she wasn't even that scared!" Haruhi snarled, jabbing her left index finger into Itsuki's chest.

"At least she didn't laugh at me like a clown!" Itsuki rebuffed.

Kyon's sister and Miyoko shuffled over to Kyon's side. Both of them looked scared out of their minds. Kyon had his eyes on the door to the clubroom. Any moment now....

Knock, knock knock!

Perfect... thought Kyon.

Haruhi stopped verbally assaulting Itsuki and walked up to the door to answer it. When she did, she was surprised to see a well-dressed gentleman holding a microphone accompanied by a man holding a camera, two police officers, and Miyoko and Kyon's parents.

"Can we help you?" asked Haruhi.

"Yes, you can," said the man. "Haruhi Suzumiya and Itsuki Koizumi, my name is Chris Hansen. I'm from Dateline NBC and I have a few questions for you two......"

Two Hours Later...

Tsuruya was lying on her couch at her house and eating smoked-cheese cubes on toothpicks, when all of a sudden, her cell phone rang.

"What's going on?" Tsuruya said cheerfully into the receiver.

"TSURUYA, CAN YOU PAY OUR BAIL??? ME AND KOIZUMI ARE IN JAIL, AND KYON WON'T HELP US BECAUSE HE'S BEING A PRICK!!!" yelled Haruhi on the other end.

Tsuruya's happy-go-lucky attitude instantly vanished and was replaced with rage. "GOD DAMN IT, HARUHI!!! THIS IS THE THRID TIME THIS MONTH THIS HAS HAPPENED!!!" Tsuruya snarled before hanging up.

Getting up from her cozy spot on the couch, Tsuruya stormed out of her living room to go tell her parents so they would tell Itsuki's Agency friends. They were always pulling strings for him.

Sometimes she wondered why she put herself through this crap every month. The family doctor would have a field day when he checked her blood pressure......

A/N: Haruhi and Itsuki have the scariest facial expressions of any character on their show. But they're also the funniest.

Tune in next time for:

Scooby-Doo!

Barney!

And another cameo!

Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!