A/U: Apologies for the lack of a new chapter last week, but as most of you already know, I really dislike rushing chapters just for the sake of putting them out. I don't want to publish a chapter until I feel it has the emotional tie I need from it, so that's why I gave myself the extra time to put something worth reading for you guys! :)
I also want to say that I know there has been a lot of build-up, but a lot has still remained unanswered or untouched, and a lot of you are asking when certain key moments will happen, and my reply is that they will happen organically. Just like I don't like to rush posting chapters, I also don't like rushing events in the story just for the sake of. I want to thank all of you who have been patient, but I promise you it will all be worth it!
The songs that inspired this chapter are:
"We Are Young" by Keane
"Breathe Me" by Sia
"Walk The Line" by Live
I chose "We Are Young" as the opening song, because I can imagine it playing in a department store, but I also like the theme of being young and enjoying the ups and down of youth. It's rather fitting for the three young characters—Logan, Kendall, and Camille—in this chapter. The song helps capture the ideas of first love and prom (being around the corner for them) for these characters.
For the scene when Logan gets home, I wanted a song that carries a certain tone and mood. I wanted something almost dreamy. He's been away at school and at the mall, and his only hope is to see the guy that he's slowly falling in love with, so I picked "Breathe Me", because it has a very dreamy and almost lullaby quality to it.
I've always loved Johnny Cash's "Walk The Line". I think it's definitely a beautiful classic that has so much relevance even today, but I chose Live's cover of it, because I just think it has a more modern feel that suits the story better than the original, so I chose this as my closing song. And the last few paragraphs of the chapter fit perfectly with the song.
I decided to title the chapter "Home" because as I wrote this chapter, I kept coming back to that word. I love the idea of "home is where the heart is," and it will make sense after you guys read this chapter. Without further ado, I give you, "Home".
After about another half dozen dresses, Camille finally narrows it down between the fitted aqua dress and a strapless red dress with a slit running up the side. I comment that while the red dress is very flattering on her, it may be a little too sexy for our age. Camille disagrees—and probably just stubbornly to prove a point—she decides on the red dress. I shouldn't be surprised. That's how Camille has always been. She'll do the exact opposite if she thinks she's playing it too safe. I do admire that quality about her at times. I wish I could be as fearless.
As she finalizes her decision and goes to pay for her dress, I wander off to the men's department. I look at the sale signs plastered everywhere and pick up a few t-shirts. I hold up a pair of jeans and eyeball it. They should fit. I grab a few more pairs and head to a nearby register. The sales associate rings me up and I hand her what's left of my monthly allowance. I take my paltry amount of change and frown. I take my bag and head back to find Camille, who's scanning the area clearly wondering where I ran off to.
"Hey, I'm over here," I call to her.
"Oh, I was looking for you!"
"Sorry, I just saw some sales in the men's department."
"What did you buy?"
"Nothing exciting; just some t-shirts and jeans. Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah, whenever you are."
I've been ready since we got here, I want to say to her, but I refrain from doing so.
For the first time I'm glad that Camille drives like a bat out of hell—even if I did hold on for dear life the entire way back—because we fly through town and get back to my house in practically no time at all. I'm anxious to see him. I've missed him more in the few hours I've been away than I've missed anyone in a while. It's frightening how badly I'm captivated by him.
"Thanks for coming with me!" Camille beams, giving me a big hug.
"No problem. Glad you found a dress. You really did look beautiful in it," I tell her.
She has a grateful twinkle in her eye, as if she's about to cry. That's Camille. She's always ready to bring on the waterworks. Sometimes I think I'm only making it harder for her to move past her crush on me. But she's still my best friend—albeit a crazy one. I hope she sees that we'll never be more than that.
I give her a small smile and exit her car before she gets too weepy on me. I wave goodbye and she returns my wave before flying past the stop sign. I guess James Diamond isn't the only one that thinks stop signs are optional. I just sigh from relief that I'm still alive.
I head inside, but notice that mom's car isn't in the driveway. I guess she's still at the hospital. When I get inside, I can hear music emanating quietly from my room. I instinctively walk towards it like a moth to a flame. The door is left slightly open, so I slowly push my way through.
Kendall is lying on the bed. The setting sun is casting a warm evening glow over him. He looks like the most perfect thing to me right now. My breathing changes as I take in the image of his beauty. He doesn't see me standing there yet, for which I'm thankful. I want to look at him a little while longer, because I don't know when it will be the last time I'll see him. It isn't until I close the door that he turns his head and sees me there.
"Hey," he smiles.
It's his signature smile—the one that can melt the coldest of hearts. I can't help but smile back. His warmth almost commands it. And even after the confusing mixed signals I got from him last night, I'm bursting with excitement to lie next to him.
"Happy to see me?" I ask playfully.
His grin grows to a full-on smile. I realize that his teasing ways have rubbed off on me, because I'm much more playfully with him than I've ever thought I could be.
"You have no idea…" he says huskily.
I bite my lower lip and let out a soft sigh.
"Come over here," he says seductively, beckoning me with his hand and a small tilt of his head.
I drop my shopping bag to the floor and join him on the bed. He slides over, making room for me. He wraps his arms around me, and immediately I feel like I'm at home. There's an inexplicable comfort in his embrace. Nothing compares to it. Nothing.
He looks at me with an adoring gaze. I'm sure my expression matches his. The smell of his body wash wafts in the air between us. He smells divine.
"Did you get my message?" I ask feeling a little embarrassed for showcasing my affection for him so easily.
"I did," he says with a smile. "I missed you, too."
"Did you?"
"Mm-hmm," he purrs as his mouth finds my neck.
I'm immediately transported to nirvana as soon as his lips come into contact with my skin. He continues showering my neck with feather-light kisses.
"Don't start what you can't finish," I warn him playfully.
He gazes at me and gives me a crooked grin. It's enough to make me disrobe right here, right now… Control yourself, Logan, I caution myself.
I move in until our lips meet, and in that same instant, a fire is sparked within me. His lips brush against mine, as I tangle my fingers in his hair, pulling him in. I submit to my deepest desires, allowing my mouth to open. His tongue immediately finds mine. His breath is cool, while his tongue is warm and wet. The taste of him is heavenly; I never knew a person could crave the taste of another so intimately and as I crave him.
I fall onto my pillow, pulling him down with me. His body weight presses on me, but it's not painful. I recall the first time we met. We were positioned very similarly to how we are now. It's ironic that he's on top of me again, although the circumstances could not be more different. He pushes his body closer against mine. I wrap my arms around him and tilt my head, causing our kiss to deepen. His fingers brush along my neck, causing another course of electricity to shoot through my system. My body quivers and rocks gently. I feel that searing sensation again. I know he feels it, too. He can't deny it—not this time. There's no sense in fighting my desires either. It's either now or never. I want him. I want to feel all of him inside of me. The urge to connect with him is insanely palpable.
I blush because I know what I have to do if I want him. I'm no good at being seductive, but I need to convey to him how badly I want his touch. Our kissing becomes more urgent, more passionate. I decide to take advantage of the momentum we're building, so I graze my hands along his sides until I find the bottom of his shirt. I trail my hands underneath, bringing the hem up. His hands instinctively move down and push my hands back into place. I stubbornly refuse to forfeit. My hands pull him in for a deeper open mouth kiss, which seems to work. I then run my hands down his chest until I feel the first button, and I begin to undo his shirt. His mouth doesn't move from mine this time, so I take advantage of the opportunity and swiftly unbutton his shirt completely.
The center of his long defined torso is exposed from the open shirt. He looks incredibly attractive with an unbuttoned shirt, but I suspect he looks even better sans clothing. The image of him naked in my mind makes me blush, but gets me excited at the same time.
I wrap an arm around his lower waist and pull his body snuggly against mine. I begin to grind my body against his and I hear a low moan escape his mouth in between our kissing. Can it be that my seduction is actually working? I seize the chance and quickly move my hands down to his pants and start to undo those, as well. His hand quickly grabs mine, stopping me from undressing him any further.
"What are you doing?" he asks breathlessly.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" I ask rhetorically. "I'm undressing you."
"I can see that," he says biting down on his lip. God, I want to bite that plump lip of his… "But, why?"
"I… want you," I blush, feeling like pathetic.
He lets out a long sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"No, Logan… I… I can't."
The rejection punches me hard in the stomach. I prop myself back up, and turn away from him so he can't see the hurt plastered on my face.
"I get it. You don't want me."
He grabs the sides of my arms and turns me so I'm facing him.
"Logan, believe me when I say… I want you," he sighs heavily.
"I'm confused then… First, you want to kiss me. And it's nice. Like, really nice… but then it gets hot and heavy and… you don't want to, uh, touch me."
"I don't think you understand," he states.
"Then explain it to me so I can, because I'm at a loss right now," I scoff quietly.
"You don't know how beautiful you are to me. You're everything that I'm not… everything that I want to be."
His words are so sincere and so beautiful. It's hard not to fall for his charm. It's no wonder that I'm practically throwing myself at him like a hormonally-fueled schoolboy.
"That's very sweet and all, but that still doesn't explain why you won't touch me."
He places a hand tenderly to my face in jest to lighten the moment.
"You know that's not what I mean," I say with a light chuckle.
"I admire you, Logan. I admire that you don't follow the pack. You aren't like other people our age," he comments.
"Neither are you."
He briefly looks down when I say this. I don't know if he thinks I meant it as an insult, but I definitely did not.
"But that's just it. I don't want you to throw away all your morals because of me," he says still looking down.
"Why would you be worried about that?"
"I don't want you to regret your first time," he finally says.
It makes sense now. That's why he wouldn't let us take it any further last night. This entire time I assumed he just didn't want me, but now I realize that he's afraid I may be making a premature decision.
But he's wrong.
I've never felt this compulsion towards someone ever before. I've had crushes, but this is beyond some schoolboy crush. It's something physiological—it's magnetic. It's inexplicably strong and there are simply not enough words for me to describe how it feels. That's probably the best way to explain it actually—it's a feeling; an incredibly powerful and visceral one. Maybe it is just lust, but I honestly don't believe that to be true. Maybe it's love, but I have nothing else to compare it to. There's no sense in labeling it. It is what it is. It's real. It's immediate. It's undeniable.
"Why would I regret it?" I challenge now that I realize the real reason of him denying me.
"Do you really want your first time to be with someone who broke into your house and is holding you captive?"
I can't help but laugh quietly when he puts it like that.
"That's not how I see it."
"Well, that's how you should."
"You keep telling me I don't see myself clearly, so now I'm telling you the same. You constantly put yourself down, when I know there's much more to you," I challenge.
"Believe me, Logan, there's a lot about me you may not want to know," he says cryptically.
I want to ask him a dozen questions, but I know it will just be another wasted attempt because he clearly dodges anything about his past.
"Just being with you is enough for me. Isn't it enough for you?" he asks.
I nod, because it truth being with him is enough. This is how I know it's not just lust for either one of us. It's something much more ethereal and indescribable.
I lean back and lie on his chest. He kisses the top of my head and gently runs his fingers through my hair. The moment is perfect.
"What did you buy?" Kendall says when he spots the bag of clothes.
"Hm? Oh, just some clothes."
"Show me," he says.
I grab the bag and join him back on the bed. I pull out the first thing; a simple navy t-shirt and hold it up for him to see.
"Looks a little big for you, don't you think?" he observes.
"Well, that's because they're not for me. They're for you," I inform him without making eye contact.
But I feel his eyes instantly on me, so I turn and meet his gaze. He looks at me with that appreciative look again—like I've just given him the clothes off my back.
"Logan… you didn't have to."
"I know. But I wanted to."
"Why?" he asks with green childlike eyes.
"Because this is your home now."
The words just came out. But, they feel right. They're sincere. I'm not entirely sure, but Kendall's eyes appear misty. He's never looked more fragile, more honest, more human… than he does now.
"You really are some kind of amazing, Logan... you know that?"
I just blush and bite my lower lip.
"Thank you," he says before he pulls me in for an unexpected open mouth kiss.
I'm immediately sent on a high as I let my eyes close. He holds me close and continues to caress my face. I rest my head on his shoulder until I hear the front door open.
"Your mom's home," Kendall announces quietly.
"I should go say 'hi' to her," I say sounding more unenthusiastic than I probably should.
"I'll see you in a bit," he says before planting a kiss on my lips.
He's making it increasingly difficult for me to be away from him. Regardless, I exit my room making sure to close the door behind me, even though I already know Kendall has probably already snuck into his usual hiding place in the closet. Maybe he's gotten more creative and hid under the bed this time, I think. I picture his tall frame spread out and flattening himself just to hide under my small full-size bed. The image makes me snicker to myself.
"What's so funny there, Logie-Bear?" Mom asks from the door way.
"Oh, nothing, Mom. How was your day?"
"Ugh, long as usual," she groans as she kicks off her shoes, without even bothering to put them in the coat closet.
"Sorry, I didn't get a chance to make dinner tonight," I apologize. "I think there are still some leftovers, though."
"Oh, don't worry about it. You always cook for me. You deserve a break, too," she smiles at me. "Oh, but I got your message on the way home. How was the mall?"
"It was… okay," I say looking anything but enthusiastic.
"That bad, huh?" she detects.
Mom may not be the most observant, but one thing she does know about me is my abhorrence for the mall.
"Yeah, but Camille did pick out her prom dress," I say with relief.
"Oh, that's good! I can't wait to see the two of you all dressed up!" she beams as she rummages through the fridge for some food.
I realize I haven't eaten since I've returned from the mall, so I join her in the kitchen to find some food. Mom warms up a plate of leftovers, while I grab a box of Cheez-It from the pantry and begin munching on a handful of them.
"Were you able to find a tux, though?"
I stop from gorging on my Cheez-Its long enough to look up at her and shake my head. She gives me a solemn look and frowns.
"You do know it's next week, right, Logie?" she reminds me as if I've forgotten.
Between her and Camille constantly reminding me, how could I forget?
"Yes, I know, but it's a school night," I try to justify. "We ran out of time."
"Well, like I've said, you always have your dad's tux as a backup, too," she says as she stuffs her mouth.
"You mean the tux that he wore when you guys got married? Isn't that a little weird?" I grimace.
"No! Weird, how? I actually think it would be adorable," she states.
"I doubt I'll even fit the thing, but thanks for the offer. I'll keep it mind."
"Well, I'll leave some money at home for you if you want to go and get a tux this weekend then."
"You don't have to do that, Mom… I still have some Christmas money from Nana hidden in my sock drawer," I say, which is a lie.
I spent most of the little I had left today on clothes for Kendall.
"Save it! I want to get this for you. I never get to do anything for you anymore."
"That's because I don't need you to, Mom," I chuckle quietly.
"Exactly my point. You're so… independent now. It makes me feel like I'm not doing my role as a mother," she says with a hint of remorse.
I stop mid-chew, put down my box of Cheez-It, and sit down beside her.
"Mom, you're doing fine," I assure her.
I know she needs reassurance from time to time.
"Sometimes I just wonder if I leave you alone too much, is all…" she says glumly.
"Trust me, these days… don't feel so lonely for me," I chuckle lightly with irony.
"Well, I know I work long hours and we barely spend any time together anymore. If you want, I can take a week off and we can just spend time together like before," she offers.
"No!" I practically shout, which causes her to flinch. "I mean, uh, no you don't have to do that," I say in a softer tone.
The less she's at home, the less likely she'll encounter Kendall. But the truth is my reasoning is much more selfish. I simply rather spend alone time with Kendall over my own mother. I feel a huge pang of guilt for not wanting her around as much as I do him.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm totally fine, Mom. I promise."
"Okay, if you say you're fine then I'll take your word for it," she smiles unconvinced.
"Well, it's getting late. I should probably head to bed," I announce.
"Yeah, I think I'm going to hit the hay, too," she says with a conveniently-timed yawn. "You go ahead; I'll turn off all the lights."
"Alright, night, Mom," I say as I plant a kiss on her cheek.
"Night, sweetie."
I head back into the room and slip out of my jeans. I get into bed and make myself comfortable.
"You can come out now, Kendall," I whisper loud enough so I know only he can hear.
He emerges quietly from the bedroom closet. He looks at me with a sly grin, which causes me to bite my lip. Does he realize the conflicting things he does to me? He must know the effect he has on people… He's more than I could ever dream or hoped for with James Diamond—or rather, anyone really. He makes my crush for James Diamond seem like a forgotten memory, a superficially trite childhood dream. He respects my mind, my body, and my soul. What I feel for Kendall is real. It's more real than anything I've ever felt in my life. I now find it very hard to picture the end of each day without him. I can't even bear the thought of coming home and not finding him here.
He smiles at me before he lifts his shirt over his head. He prefers to sleep in as little clothing as possible, which at first made me uncomfortable, but now I'm glad he does. I get to marvel at his beauty all night. He perches over me as I lie back on the bed.
"So… where were we?" he smiles exposing his dimples.
I don't reply. I simply pull his body close and immediately kiss him. And in that instant, without any way of rationally explaining it, the both of us have finally found home.