Once the door closes behind Christian – and I lock it, of course – I collapse back onto the couch. Thank God my interviews don't start until 2pm tomorrow, because I don't see myself having an easy time getting to sleep tonight. My head is spinning far too quickly for that.
What is up with that man? I just don't get him. He wants me to be his sub, he wants me to act like myself, he wants to follow the contract to the letter until it suits him not to do so, and then he wants to take me to his parents and pretend I'm his girlfriend…
I'm not sure that's just pretend, my inner goddess says. I really do wonder about her blind optimism at times.
As if things aren't complicated enough, the front door opens and in strolls Kate. Ugh! I can't deal with The Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition right now. She's going to be like a dog with a bone.
After tossing a wave and a smile behind her – to Elliot, I suppose – she shuts and locks the door then turns on me with her arms crossed. Wonderful.
"You look like crap, Steele," she says bluntly. "No more run around - What has that rich, uptight bastard done now?"
"I thought you were staying with Elliot tonight?" I ask, thinking I should at least take a stab at deflecting her question.
She shakes her head. "Nope, I still need to finish packing for my flight to Barbados tomorrow… and, more importantly, I wanted to see you before I left. Spill it, Ana. I'm not going anywhere until you do. Why did you freak when Desperate Housewives Barbie showed up tonight?"
Crap! I wonder if she realizes that she sounds way too much like Christian with her demands. But I do have to smile at her description of Mrs. Robinson.
"It wasn't her," I lie. I feel bad about it, but there's nothing I can tell her that won't totally blow my NDA out of the water. I opt for the essence of the truth instead. "It's Christian. I'm just so confused, Kate." My voice is embarrassingly whiny.
"Confused about what? Christian – obviously - but you'll have to be more specific."
She comes and sits close beside me on the couch and places a hand over mine. She's frowning and she looks worried. Her expression reminds me a lot of Mom. Oh no, Kate! Don't do this. I really don't need to cry again.
"Christian is so complicated. I don't know what he wants from me. He sends so many mixed signals." Once again, I sound whiny, but I'm proud that I manage not to spill any tears.
"He's sending mixed signals because he's head-over-heels for you and that just doesn't jive with his control freak nature. This is your first go-around, so I'll clue you in on the big secret – love is the most out-of-control feeling in the world. The man simply can't deal. It's really not that complicated."
Oh, to be Kate. Everything is so black and white for her. She really doesn't understand… and I can't explain.
"He's not head-over-heels for me, Kate," I scoff. "That's just ridiculous."
"Why is that ridiculous?! Because he's obscenely rich, insanely good-looking, or both?"
I shrug and look into Kate's disapproving face. "Both, I guess."
"Please. It's just money, Ana. It doesn't make you more-than-human. And you're just as gorgeous as he is! How many times do I have to tell you that? Christian can't take his eyes off of you, even Elliot mentioned it. You know you're the first girl he's ever brought home, don't you? They all thought he was secretly gay. Why can't you see that you're something special to him?"
Because I signed a standard contract, I want to scream. I have a serial number for God's sake! I'm number sixteen.
"I want to believe that, Kate, but he…" Crap, what can I say here? I can't divulge too much. "He's very controlled," I finally settle on saying. "He likes everything to be a certain way and he sets all these… ground rules… I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act."
"Who cares about his stupid ground rules," Kate snaps, rolling her eyes.
That's easy for her to say, she won't get spanked for rolling her eyes.
"I'll tell you how you're supposed to act, Ana. You're supposed to act any damn way you please. You're a grown woman, a college graduate, and a total babe. Quit tying yourself in knots trying to please this asshole. Make him try and please you for once. Is he really worth all this drama?"
Wow, Kate does not like Christian at all. She doesn't even try to hide it.
"I think I'm in love with him," I admit softly. In a way, it's the first time I've admitted it to myself. It's a frightening realization, but Kate just rolls her eyes again in response to my grand revelation.
"No shit," she says dryly. "And he's in love with you. Problem is, he's an ass and you're too insecure. Stop letting him call all the shots, Steele!"
"But that's what he wants. That's what he needs."
"Pfft… he doesn't know what he wants. Men are hopeless like that. Besides, what about what you want? Isn't that important too?"
"I guess," I say. Kate doesn't look happy. "Okay – yes - you're right," I concede. "It's important. It's just…." I pause. I really want to ask her advice about the coming week, but I'm not sure how to phrase it. I can't give away many details.
"Just - what?" Kate prompts.
"Well… Christian said he only wanted to see me on weekends. Nothing Sunday night through Friday evening. It's one of his ground rules." Kate looks disgusted, but she thankfully stays quiet and lets me continue. "If he's really as in to me as you say he is… don't you think he'll want to see me during the week? And if he does, maybe I shouldn't let him? I mean… not unless he…" Says to hell with the contract, agrees to more, stops trying to bully me… But I finally settle on, "plays fair."
"Sounds like a no-brainer," Kate replies. "And I can pretty much guarantee he's going to want to see you this week. The man won't let you out of his sight. I don't see him going an entire week without you. But you – you're the one who'll have to stay strong."
"He wanted to stay here tonight… and I told him no."
"Way to go, Ana!" Kate beams proudly. "I bet that set him back on his designer heels."
"Actually, I think it did," I say with a small smile. "He seemed shocked."
"I'm sure he was. Christian's probably used to being able to buy anything and everything he wants. He needs to know you're not for sale. Let him stew in not getting his way for a little bit. It won't kill him, and you just might be surprised."
"I'll try," I promise her.
"Good, because otherwise I'm going to cut off his balls and mount them above the fireplace." Kate is smiling when she says it, but I do have to wonder. "I better go and pack a few things before I get too tired," she announces, rising from her seat and pointing a finger at me. "You need to go to bed. You've got interviews tomorrow."
"Yes ma'am," I say, giving her a salute. There is more than a little irony in my tone. If she only knew.
After my talk with Kate I felt much better. She really has a way of putting things into perspective. To my surprise, I only toss-and-turn for about an hour before falling asleep. So, I am well-rested for my interviews.
I borrow another one of Kate's dresses – a black pinafore, over a white blouse. And I'm wearing my own black pumps, although I did consider wearing the designer ones Christian bought me. But no, it's a weekday and I don't have to wear his 'uniform'. I think I look professional enough. Even my hair is feeling interview-y. So far, my wayward tendrils have stayed-put in the tight bun I'm wearing. If that can happen, I suppose anything is possible.
Once it's all over and done with, I actually feel confident that I made a good impression at both places, but am keeping my fingers crossed that SIP, in particular, gives me a call. I felt more comfortable there. The casual, bohemian atmosphere made it seem like a better fit for me. Although, in all honesty, I'm in no position to be too picky and will take either job if offered. My cash reserves aren't going to hold up for more than a few weeks, and I don't want to borrow money from Mom or Ray. I want to make it on my own.
This morning, Taylor dropped off my laptop and overnight bag promptly at 10A.M. on the nose. He was his usual taciturn self. You'd never know Christian and I treated him to a dramatic scene last night. I do wonder what it would take to ruffle that man's feathers. Christian must pay him well.
I forced myself not to fire up the mean machine right then and check my email messages. I decided that was best for several reasons. For one thing, if there was no message from Christian - or one that made me angry – it would interfere with my interview mindset. Then, there is my newfound determination to set some boundaries with Mr. Control Freak. Our email exchanges are hard to resist, and I didn't want to get too caught up.
By the time I get home, however, I can no longer resist. I did give him my word that I'd reply to his messages, didn't I?
I realize that I am holding my breath as I open up my email app.
There are two messages from Christian and I'm so relieved.
The most recent one reads.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Pins and Needles
Date: May 30 2011 18:03
To: Anastasia Steele
Dear Miss Steele,
I hope you made it to and from your interviews safely, but I cannot say for sure, as I haven't heard back from you. Are you alive and well?! Inquiring minds need to know.
While I am certain you made a good impression, I would like to hear the details. I suppose you are still refusing to share the names of the specific publishing houses!?
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Hmm… a bit snippy and impatient with his abuse of the interrobang, but I've heard worse from him. Wonder what the first email said?
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Good Morning and Best Wishes
Date: May 30 2011 8:40
To: Anastasia Steele
Anastasia,
I wanted to wish you good luck on your interviews today. Although I am sure you will do well.
I have put a great deal of thought into the events of yesterday. I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about how we left things last night. I am sorry about the situation with Elena. I do not want you to feel uncomfortable, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that you are not placed in such a position again. It is very unsettling to hear that you felt violated. I assure you that I never want you to feel that way.
Let me know how your interviews go.
P.S. I have attached a photo of the two of us that appeared in the Society Pages of The Seattle Sun Times yesterday. I was distracted from reading the Sunday paper due to the presence of a certain beautiful young woman, else I would have noticed this sooner. Thought you might like to see her for yourself.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I click on the attachment. It is the photo of us that was taken at my graduation. The caption reads 'Christian Grey and friend.' He looks impossibly handsome and I look far from beautiful. Stunned would be a more apt description. Friend, huh?
Did you expect it to say sub?
Yeah, I suppose that would be awkward. At least he's sorry about Elena - although he didn't specify exactly what he's sorry about. But he did say he was concerned about how I feel. That's something. I suppose I should take a minute to reply to his latest email
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Re: Pins and Needles
Date: May 30 2011 18:57
To: Christian Grey
Dear Mr. Grey,
You can rest assured that I am safe and sound. I feel like my interviews went well, thank you for asking. And NO! I won't be telling you the names of the publishing houses - Not until I'm certain it's too late for you to wield any undue influence over my potential employers.
I am glad to know that you don't wish for me to feel violated, although I'm still not sure you fully understand my position. I do not like that woman! I think she's a predator and a criminal, and nothing you say will convince me otherwise.
Ana
I decide to distract myself from watching my inbox by going to Kate's room and giving her a final farewell before Elliot comes to pick her up for their trip to the airport. I will miss her. It will be hard to stay strong without her pep talks.
I am away for about forty-five minutes while I chat first with Kate, and then briefly with Elliot when he drops by. The two of them can't keep their hands off one another, as usual. I'm sure Barbados will never be the same.
I walk them out to the car and Kate embraces me tightly before getting in. "Don't forget about what you want," she whispers into my ear.
It is something to think about. Actually it is the reason why I need this week to myself. However, once she's gone, I'm unable to stand the suspense any longer, so I go to check the machine. Sure enough, there is a response from Christian, and it came in barely five minutes after my reply.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Glad to Hear It… And Relieved
Date: May 30 2011 19:03
To: Anastasia Steele
Anastasia,
First of all, I am delighted to hear that you are safe and sound. Believe it or not, I do worry when you fail to respond promptly. I am also glad to hear that your interviews went well.
I see that you are keeping up your tradition of being uncharacteristically frank in your email correspondence. Once again, I have the feeling that this is the only time you are truly honest with me.
I do not see Elena in the light you are painting her, although I assure you that I will do my best to make sure you never cross paths with her again. I don't wish for you to be upset, I prefer to see you smile. I'm not sure what else you want from me on that subject.
P.S. I would never - and have never - used undue influence. I am shocked and offended that you would accuse me of having such unseemly intentions.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I quickly type out my reply and send it.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: You MUST Be Joking
Date: May 30 2011 19:50
To: Christian Grey
Mr. Grey,
I am tired of arguing with you about Mrs. Robinson as well. I am beginning to wonder if you and I will ever see eye-to-eye where she is concerned. And, thank you, I certainly would appreciate it if you did not subject me to her presence in the future. It would probably be in her best interest as well as mine, otherwise I may be forced to scratch her eyes out.
P.S. Yes, you have - and do - use undue influence. I hope you are joking about that, otherwise I will have to assume that you are highly delusional.
Ana
Once again, his response is almost instantaneous. Surely he's not sitting around waiting for my emails. Of course… that is exactly what I'm doing here.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Feisty!
Date: May 30 2011 19:54
To: Anastasia Steele
Anastasia,
I will keep your homicidal tendencies in mind. I would hate it if I was only allowed to see you during visiting hours at the prison. Although the idea of you behind bars and possibly in shackles is rather intriguing…
P.S. Of course I'm not joking! I'm appalled at your suggestion.
Christian Grey
Delusional CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Delusional CEO, huh? He's being fun. Why are things so much easier by email?
Just one more response, then I'm signing off. It's too easy to forget our very real troubles when we have such interesting email exchanges.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Justifiable Homicide
Date: May 30 2011 19:58
To: Christian Grey
Mr. Grey,
I assure you, no court on earth would ever convict me for killing Mrs. Robinson, so don't get too attached to your fantasy of me behind bars.
Although I love sparring with you via email, I really must go and see to the unpacking that was left unfinished whilst I was being ravished over the weekend. Not that I'm complaining ;)
Goodnight.
Ana
I slam the laptop closed quickly, so I'm not tempted by any further emails. I really do need to put a few finishing touches on my new room. My books still haven't been unpacked and placed in my small bookcase, which reminds me – I have three very expensive first editions to add to the collection. Christian seems to have won that battle. Perhaps looking at them will remind me that I need to stay strong.
In the bottom of the box, I find a copy of THE contract. I sit frozen, holding it in my hand for a moment. It's just paper.
Extremely expensive paper, handmade by twelfth generation paper artisans, no doubt - my subconscious snarks.
Sadly, she probably has a point. But high grade or not, it weighs practically nothing… So, why do I constantly feel the weight of it on my shoulders? I remember what Kate said, she has a way of cutting through the bullshit. She asked me if he was 'worth all this drama?' Is he?
Well… I love him. I have never been in love and I am almost twenty-two years old. I know it is not something that comes around every day. What if this is the one and only time for me? I feel like I should give it my all.
Perhaps I can work within the contract? Find a way to make it for me? I am a smart girl. I did graduate with a 4.0. How hard can it be?
I grab a yellow highlighter from the WSU cup that holds my pens and sit cross-legged on the bed with the contract in hand. I feel optimistic. Here goes…
So much for optimism, now I am truly depressed. Why did I sign this thing? What was I thinking? Was I thinking?
This is the MOST one-sided document in the history of the universe! I've only been able to find a precious few things worth highlighting, and I've found practically no leverage. He really did think this through. What a control freak.
I highlighted:
12 The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Dominant (" the Allotted Times"). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad hoc basis.
That clause gives me some power. It does specify 'mutually agreed' upon for 'further times'. But then there's this little gem:
13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive's rights under clauses 2– 5 and 8 above.
That is truly depressing. Unless he commits some egregious breach, supposedly I am to be granted release 'at the discretion of the Dominant'. WOW! He's even trying to limit my walking privileges, while he can 'dismiss the Submissive from service at any time for any reason.'
You signed it, you idiot.
Very true, I did. No argument there. And while I know it's not legally binding, it is what binds us together. He told me once - this is the only type of relationship he's interested in. I can walk away at any time, but if I do… that's it.
I throw the offending document across the room, along with the highlighter. I won't cry again. I just won't. This is ridiculous! I have to make a decision and live with it. My heart and my head are duking it out once again, and I have the feeling that whoever wins – I will always lose.
Perhaps I should put some more distance between us? I'd love to see Mom, but there's no way I can afford to fly across the country on such short notice, and there's no way I'm driving. I don't have the time. Maybe I'll go spend a few days with Ray. It's been a while. I know I can't discuss this situation with him. NDA or no, he'd FREAK. I just couldn't do it. However, I could use his steady presence. It would certainly give me some breathing room to think. I'll call him in the morning.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A/N: I am not a fan of trashing the original author/work when you are a fanfic author. I feel like if you feel inspired enough to write in that person's verse, then you should show some respect for them. However, I am changing a bit of canon due to a tiny nit pic. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that E. L. James is not familiar with travel in America, which is obviously not a sin. But here goes…
Normal people can't just up and fly clear across the country on a whim. We simply can't afford it. With a few exceptions, we have to book flights several weeks in advance to get a decent rate. If Ana had bought a same-day roundtrip ticket from Seattle to Savannah, she would have paid around $900 at best. I sincerely doubt she could afford that. So, she's going to her stepdad's instead. Plus, 'old high school friends' could provide some real possibilities for tormenting Christian ;)