Disclaimer: See Prologue, I do not own this song either which is "The Reason" by Hoobastank.
Author's Note: Here it is, the last chapter and now I can work on my other stories without having to worry about this one. Though of course this means that I won't be updating any stories quickly but hey that's what we all have to live with. Read, review, flame I don't care, just pay attention to me. You can even just post a review that says hi and you'll get a response, you'll always get a response from me, I'm awesome like that.
P.S. Ignore most of the rambling above.
Chapter Ten: Heart's Desire
Sirius has broken Remus' heart but why does he's own ache so? Is he too late to discover what it is his heat truly desire's? If not, then will Remus ever be able to forgive him...?
"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know"
He was so confused and he didn't know why. He knew he should be feeling triumphant for his plan to get back at Remus had gone well but instead there was a dull ache within his heart. Indeed, for the last few days, ever since he had shattered Remus' heart, he had been out of sorts. Like a part of him was missing and for some reason he kept looking for Remus. Remus, though, was long gone; he hadn't stuck around long when the words he'd said had finally sunk in.
Strangely enough when he thought back on all he'd said to Remus he felt absolutely awful and remembering Remus' reactions to his words only made him feel even worse. That wasn't what was bothering him the most though, what bothered him the most was the remembrance of Remus' last words to him before he had fled into the forest. What on this strange planet could Remus have possibly meant?
"*Please, Sirius, don't! You're what my heart truly desire's. Don't you get it? That's the reason why we were brought here, so that we could learn that fact! Don't you remember what it was that Fabian said about the fruit?*"
Perhaps what Remus was hinting at was that what their heart's truly desired was each other? Nah... that couldn't possibly be it for that would mean that he liked Remus as more than just friends and that Remus felt the same way and that they'd both felt that way since before they were brought here. Plus, what did fruit have to do with anything?
'What is the problem Sirius Black?' asked Fabian, doing his neat trick of appearing out of nowhere and startling Sirius so much that he jerked backwards, lost his balance and fell down onto his arse.
'Ah... nothing?' said Sirius looking up at Fabian who sat down opposite of him.
'Really, then why do you seem so lost?' replied Fabian sceptically.
'I don't know,' said Sirius with a shrug and then he added 'What are you doing here?'
'I must always be there when those that I bring here have discovered or are close to discovering what it is that their hearts truly desire.'
'Oh... why?'
'So that they don't do anything stupid.'
'Like what?'
'Like trying to convince themselves that it can't possibly be true' said Fabian with a meaningful look at Sirius, who blushed.
'I don't know what you mean' said Sirius, avoiding Fabian's eyes.
'Suit yourself but answer me this; do you remember what it is that I said about Heart Fruit?'
'Sure.'
'What?'
'That the only thing that we saw as being solid is what out heart's truly desired.'
'Okay and what was the only thing solid that you saw?'
'Remus of course' said Sirius matter-of-fact.
'Hmm?' said Fabian meaningfully.
'Wait! You can't mean that Remus is what I truly desire!'
'Why not?'
'Because... because...' said Sirius, at a loss for words.
'Because you, the only one that he truly desires, broke his heart and shattered his very being not too long ago, right?' said Fabian with a strange look.
'Right' whispered Sirius, mortified with himself as the truth finally sunk in.
'So what are you going to do about it?' asked Fabian curiously.
'I've got to find him! I have to make him listen, to understand, I must apologize!' replied Sirius frantically and without another word he got up and raced off in the direction Remus had taken all those days ago.
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
It had taken him weeks to find Remus and then, instead of sticking around, Remus had fled from him. Not that he could blame Remus; after all he had set out to destroy him. So now he had been chasing Remus for days, hoping to catch a hold of him; to force him to listen but so far he wasn't doing very well. Obviously Fabian's meddling had changed Remus in ways that Sirius was now finding quite annoying.
There were times though, when Remus would stop running, almost as if Remus wanted him to catch up and this gave him hope. Maybe, even with all the pain, Remus still loved him. This thought alone kept him going for while there was still a chance that Remus still loved him then he wasn't going to quit. Oh how he wished he could catch Remus so that he could beg for Remus' forgiveness!
Suddenly the ground gave a violent heave, causing him to stumble but with barely a thought he kept going, afraid that something may have happened to Remus. He continued at a stumbling run as the ground continuously moved and even though he was afraid of falling and hurting himself he was even more afraid for Remus. Then, not far in front of him, he heard footfalls and he realized that Remus was close. Much closer then he'd ever been before.
So with a feeling of elation that he was finally catching up he put on a spurt of speed and was just in time to see Remus fall into a deep, fast flowing river. He watched on in horror as Remus was swept away and he gave a powerful cry of despair at the thought that he'd lost Remus again, this time to death.
'REMUS!'
It was an hour later and he'd been sitting by the river's edge, numb with disbelief and sorrow. When Fabian suddenly appeared sitting in front of him. The oddest thing about Fabian's appearance though, was the fact that he was sitting quite still and calmly on the rivers raging surface.
'What's wrong now?' asked Fabian curiously.
'Remus is gone' replied Sirius, his tone filled with such an intense pain and loss.
'So why aren't you following him?'
'Because he's dead!' yelled Sirius, suddenly outraged at Fabian's lack of care.
'No he's not.'
'What... are you sure?'
'Of course, while the two of you are under my protection I will not let either of you die' replied Fabian calmly and Sirius got the sense that there was something that Fabian wasn't telling him.
'Great! I've got to find him' said Sirius jumping up with renewed enthusiasm.
'I have a better idea, how about you sleep for an hour or two and when you wake up I'll have moved you closer to Remus.'
'Okay' agreed Sirius uncertainly but he lay down and was soon fast asleep only to wake two hours later in a different place.
*Thank you Fabian* thought Sirius to himself.
Then he got up and started to walk around, all the time calling for Remus and hoping for a reply though he didn't really expect to get one. As he expected, after hours of searching, there was no reply from Remus so he decided he would find something to eat and something to drink to regain his strength. Then he would try again and he would keep on trying. Sooner or later he would find Remus again.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear"
He'd been calling for half an hour and still there was no sound or trace of Remus. He was scared and the fear added a note of despair to his voice. What if Fabian had been lying to him? What if Remus really was dead and all of this had just been some sick game? He fervently hoped that wasn't the case and with the fear and despair strong in his tone he gave one more, mighty, call.
'Remus, where are you? Can you hear me? Please, answer me!'
'Siri...'
The started response of Remus' call had barely reached him when it was abruptly cut off and he realized what must have happened. Remus must have been asleep, or near to sleep, only to wake up and hear his call which had started an automatic reply from Remus. Remus had always been like that; if you ever wanted something from him then the best time to ask was when he was either just waking up or just dropping off. That was when you got the best responses from Remus.
With a feeling of elation he bounded through the dying trees in the direction from whence Remus' call had come from. When suddenly and without any warning he left the cover of the trees and there Remus was! There he was, just standing there on the other side of the river and it appeared that he was lost in thought. Just like old times, Remus was always getting lost in his own head. For a moment he stayed still and quiet, taking in with his eyes all of Remus' magnificence and he berated himself for the pain he saw in those much loved features. So with a feeling of deep sorrow and in a much quieter voice he called out to Remus once more.
'Remus!'
He felt shame build within him when he saw how much his close call startled Remus but that soon disappeared as Remus' eyes locked with his own. For a moment they stayed like that, lost in each other's faces, then Remus was suddenly off and running once more. Causing his heart to skip a beat as its one true desire fled from him.
'Remus wait! Please, let me explain'
His call made Remus stumble and slow down but then Remus started running again. But he didn't really care this time though, for he was filled with hope. Obviously, on some deep level, Remus still cared for him otherwise his last call wouldn't have affected Remus so badly. Now all he needed to do was to somehow grab a hold of Remus and make him listen. Then everything would be alright and they could go home!
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
He didn't know how Remus could keep it up for much longer; he couldn't keep it up for much longer. He was exhausted, they'd been running almost nonstop for days now and he could no longer feel his legs. It seemed to him that Remus really, really, really didn't want to see him and if this was the lengths to which Remus was willing to go then he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep up.
But he wouldn't give up! He needed to apologize to Remus and explain why he'd done something so stupid and nothing, not his tired body or Remus and his stubbornness, were going to stop him. He must admit that he'd like to rest though, to regain his lost energy, but he didn't dare to for then Remus could get further ahead and he might never be able to find him again.
'Slowing down are we, Sirius Black?' asked Fabian, coming out of no-where and causing Sirius to fall over.
'Stop doing that!' said Sirius irritably.
'At least it seems that you have more sense than Remus Lupin' said Fabian, sitting down opposite of him.
'You've seen Remus?' said Sirius with hope and joy bubbling from his tone.
'I have and I've convinced him to lie still and sleep' replied Fabian calmly.
'Then this is my chance! I can catch up to Remus while he is sleeping!' said Sirius, struggling to stand up.
'It seems that you're as stubborn as Remus after all, sit, stay and rest, you'll be able to catch Remus much easier if you're not falling over from exhaustion' said Fabian, reaching out a hand to halt Sirius' movements.
'Maybe you're right' said Sirius and he stopped his struggle to rise.
'Of course I am but before you rest there is something important I must tell you.'
'What?' asked Sirius curiously.
'I have made Remus promise that, if you should catch him then, he will stop and listen to what you have to say.'
'Thank you' said Sirius, giving Fabian a weary smile of gratitude for his help.
'Don't mention it, now sleep Sirius Black for tomorrow is a new day' said Fabian, rising gracefully to his feet.
With a nod Sirius lay down and was soon fast asleep and all his dreams were filled with Remus and of how things used to be. Fabian on the other hand made sure that there was food within sight of Sirius for when he woke up. Then with a sad shake of his head he turned and walked away, hoping against hope that Sirius could fix what he had broken, for he quite liked these boys and he really didn't want to kill them.
"I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know"
He had been walking for a while now; conserving his energy for what he was sure would be the final dash. He had no doubt that that was how this was all going to end. With Remus making one last ditch effort to escape and with himself making one last effort to catch a hold of Remus. He could only hope that before that day came that Remus would drain most of his energy while he conserved his own.
Though what he hoped for may not be what happened, he was feeling very optimistic about it though, for during the time that he'd been walking he'd had no sign nor sound of Remus. But as soon as that thought had formed it vanished for in a gap of the trees, a fair distance ahead, he spotted the glint of sunlight off of Remus' golden hair. Instead of racing after Remus, like he wanted too and thus alerting Remus to his presence, he decided to follow Remus as quietly as he could. Perhaps he'd be able to get close enough to Remus to catch a hold of him and then maybe he'd be able to fix his big mistake.
So for hours he followed Remus quietly, noticing that Remus didn't keep an eye on his surroundings. A sure sign that he was lost in thought and slowly he got closer to Remus, until he was so close that the fierce winds were blowing Remus' thrilling scent into his face. Then, with a sense of conscious that was unfamiliar to him, he decided that he could not just grab a hold of Remus with no warning. It had to be Remus' choice to listen to him; he would not force him too.
'Moony, please?' he called from just a few steps from Remus and silent tears fell from his eyes as he realized subconsciously that Remus would never choose to listen to him, not after what he had done.
Remus glanced back at him, startled and then with a shake of the head he said 'I can't! If you want me to listen then you will have to catch me. That is what I promised after all.'
Then Remus was off and running once more and after a despairing cry of "Moony" he was once more chasing after him but this time he had a new and stronger hope within his heart. Remus had promised to listen to him if he caught him, and Remus never went back on a promise.
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you"
Once more they'd been running for days and he knew that if Fabian hadn't popped up on that first day and told him something then he'd never have been able to stay so close to Remus. Because Remus had been as well rested as he had been and because of the changes in Remus' physiology, Remus should have been well ahead of him. But Fabian had changed that.
Fabian had appeared and, while running alongside him, had proceeded to tell him something. It seemed that Fabian had muddled in his own D.N.A and had made it possible for him to be able to change into Padfoot and back without having to remove, and then replace, his clothes. This had been excellent news! The only reason that he hadn't been changing into Padfoot to keep up with Remus had been the fact that he'd have lost more time then he gained by taking his clothes on and off.
So he had been periodically changing into Padfoot and back, so that Remus couldn't increase the distance between them. This time he would catch Remus and he wouldn't stop until he did! Remus was his and Remus was just going to have to learn to live with that fact. There was no denying it and no turning back. Remus was the only thing that his heart well and truly desired and he loved Remus, flaws and all. Remus was the one person who he was more than willing to give his life for; if it became necessary to do such a thing.
Suddenly a bright shaft of lightning shot out of the roiling clouds and a deafening rumble came from the sky. The deafening rumble from the sky was echoed by the ground below, which gave a jerk and shook violently. Causing him to stumble and fall onto the grass where he stayed, swearing violently for a couple of seconds, before he was up and running once more.
A couple of minutes later he left the forest and entered a wide open expanse of granite. Without pausing he raced out onto the granite for there, not far ahead, was Remus. Here, this was where he would catch Remus for there was no-where for him to hide. If Remus did try to turn around to return to the forest then it'd just be easier for him to catch him.
So with renewed energy he raced on after Remus while the sky above darkened further and constant little tremors passed through the ground below. He was gaining on Remus! There was no denying it, though he doubted if Remus realized it, he looked as though he wasn't paying attention to anything but the need to escape.
Suddenly he realized that that could be dangerous, if Remus came to another stream or even a cliff with that thought in his head then he would act without even considering the consequences. Almost as soon as that thought occurred to him Remus stopped moving and stood looking down at something. With a dry mouth and a heart thudding painfully in his chest with his fear, he called on his last reserves of energy and made a last dash to catch Remus. Just as he got within less than a foot of Remus, Remus flung himself off of the edge of the cliff he had been standing on. With desperation he grabbed a hold of Remus' left wrist in both of his hands and braced his exhausted body to take Remus' weight.
For a moment they stayed like that; Remus looking down at the death he had so narrowly avoided and Sirius standing there, holding tight as relief swept though his body and causing him to blurt out the first thing that came to his mind.
'Moony... I caught you!' said Sirius with such unfeigned warmth and love in his voice that Remus gave a start and looked up at him in wonder.
"I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you"