A/N: Thank you for your reviews!
Namae-desu requested this a couple of chapters ago: "[I was wondering]if you could write something about the combined efforts of Kushina and Gai to get Kakashi to 'lighten up' - because I'm pretty sure that would be either hilarious or disastrous for everyone involved..."
To the guest reviewer 'Cover Pic' who'd reviewed the previous chapter: Thank you for the review! The picture I've set as the cover art of this fic is actually a series of shots where all of Kakashi's precious people are ruffling his hair. It's my favourite Kakashi fanart. Try typing something like "Kakashi Sakura Sasuke Sakumo" etc (basically, all of Kakashi's precious people) in the Google search box. I hope you find it!
About this chapter…Firstly, it might seem a bit AU-ish. Admittedly, this isn't the kind of thing I usually write. And second, I got the idea, in part, from a Naruto SD episode. I won't even deny that you're going to see a lot of similarities. I'm sorry about that.
Also, I aplogise for the late-ish update. This oneshot, for some reason, was tricky to write.
Let's begin!
"Out of all the bad ideas you've had, Kushina, this one is the worst." Minato had a hint of a smirk in his look of dismay. They were standing in line at a registration desk, and once again, the Yellow Flash read the banner and bit back a laugh at what exactly they were signing Kakashi up for.
Konoha's Sexiest Shinobi Conest.
The Third Hokage had encouraged a lot of post-war initiatives to improve the morale of his shinobi, and encouraging silly pageants like these did wonders for the happiness of the ninja. Why, just last week, the Konoha's Got Talent contest ended with a lot of pomp.
"Oh shut up, Minato," Kushina muttered. "Honestly, if you really didn't like the idea, you wouldn't be standing in line with me."
"I'm standing here to make sure you don't go overboard and add my name in as well."
"Pfft. As if you had any hopes of winning Konoha's Sexiest Shinobi."
"Hey!" Minato argued. His wife burst out laughing.
"Kakashi is fifteen. And for a fifteen-year-old, he's too depressed. This was actually Gai's idea, and I agree. It would give him a lot of exposure to girls his age, you know? And have you seen how cute he looks with that mask and that Sharingan and that surly disposition? He's already got quite a fan-following among the ladies."
"Kami, help him," Minato whispered, looking skywards for some sort of divine intervention that might come and save his student. Their turn came up, and Kushina eagerly took the pen and scribbled Kakashi's name and details on a piece of paper. The lady behind the counter asked her a few generic questions and handed her a pamphlet. Despite himself, Minato's shoulders began to quake with mirth. "You're evil, do you know that?" he told Kushina. "You're pure evil."
The rules were simple. Because this was an all-male competition, the participants had to try to woo the female shinobi by taking part in challenges such as dressing well, personality quiz, talking to a girl. The winner of the contest received a cash prize and two meal vouchers in Konoha's fanciest restaurant.
Minato had an image of Kakashi chidori-ing someone when he found out what Kushina had done. There was nothing more un-Kakashi than this contest. What made it even worse was that it was all Gai's idea. The taijutsu-expert had genuinely believed that the competition would ignite Kakashi's 'fires of youth!' and make him a little less grumpy.
He secretly believed that Rin was in on it too. He even suspected that Asuma and Genma were betting on Kakashi's chances of success.
"Kushina-san, you signed me up for WHAT!?"
"Relax! It'll be fun! And I'll be helping you with your outfits and everything."
"Kushina-san, what have you done?!"
"Oh, get over it."
Black tuxedo, red bow-tie, shoes so polished that they doubled as mirrors. A rose tucked into the breast-pocket, the mask and headband as they always were.
"I look ridiculous."
"Yes," Kushina agreed, peering at Kakashi's reflection in the mirror. His right hand was busy snapping pencils to calm his rage. Crack-crack.
"It still isn't too late, Kushina-san! I can still back out of this stupid con—" Kakashi fell silent when he saw the blood-lust in Kushina's eyes.
The woman placed a hand on the Hatake's shoulder. "This outfit doesn't work for you. Try out the other one."
Crack-crack.
"Ladies and gentlemen, ninja and kunoichi, welcome to the first ever Konoha's Sexiest Shinobi contest! We have a lovely line of eye-candy today, and they have a tough challenge ahead of them."
Kakashi was the last person standing on the extreme right of the stage, and somehow, his expression of fury was visible even through the mask. Next to him stood Maito Gai. Could this get any worse?
"And now," the host said, "Our participants will proceed to do the model's walk down the ramp. They will be judged on their grace, manliness and attire."
Kakashi resisted the urge to vomit.
Well, it couldn't get worse than this, surely.
"They will be judged by Anko Mitarashi."
The Hatake almost felt like crying.
"What sort of walk is that? 3/10, Kotetsu!"
"But—"
"Next!"
…
"Gai, that's a good walk, but you can't wear pink tights and expect to look sexy, okay? 2/10! Next!"
…
"Kakashi, what are you wearing?"
"The Konoha shinobi uniform, Anko. What does it look like to you?"
"Watch the attitude, pretty-boy! 6/10. You lose points for lack of creativity, but at least you wear it well."
"For Kami's sake."
And back into the changing room they went. Kushina was there, waiting for Kakashi with a brand new set of clothes and a script to practice. Gai, meanwhile, had nobody waiting on him, but didn't seem even the slightest bit put-out by Anko's judgments.
He was grinning at Kakashi. "My eternal rival, congratulations on your stellar score! However, don't for a moment think that you have won. For I, Maito Gai, put forth this challenge: if you win the contest, I will do five hundred laps around Konoha on my thumbs."
"That really isn't necessary," Kakashi muttered dryly.
"But it is! This is a contest of youth and life! Winning it would mean being the most youthful and lively shinobi in the village! I can't think of anything better!"
"I can."
"Really?"
"Yes. Torture and death come to mind."
"Such a positive attitude about such dark things! You really are an exemplary specimen of youth!"
Kakashi looked at Kushina in desperation. The redhead laughed and pulled him away, thrusting the script in his hands. The next contest was a personality and intelligence test. She'd compiled a list of the most likely-to-be-asked questions, and had written down the best answers to give.
The Hatake glanced at the paper and secretly wondered if two meal vouchers were worth any of this crap.
"The next judge will be Rin Nohara! Rin will be asking our contestants a few questions, and they will be marked according to their responses."
Oh, good. Rin would go easy on him.
"First up, Maito Gai." Rin smiled at the taijutsu expert as he walked to the center of the stage. Well, maybe she was smiling at his attire, a doublet and hose. "Hello, Gai. How are you?"
"I am bursting with the springtime of youth!"
"That's wonderful!" Rin smiled once more. If Kakashi knew anything about her, he knew that those sweet expressions were deceptive, and behind that soft façade hid a wolf. "Are you always so light-hearted?"
"Indeed! It is my light heart that aids me in battle. It is my youth that encourages me to believe that all is not lost!"
"That's marvellous." Rin scribbled something on her writing board, but Kakashi could see the impressed look in her eye. He too, had been taken off guard. Gai's responses had been better than he'd expected.
"Next," Rin called, "Kotetsu."
…
"Next, Raidou!"
...
"Kakashi, you're next!"
"Hai." The Hatake stepped up.
"Kakashi, how has your experience in this contest been so far?"
"Terrible."
The crowd 'boo-ed'.
Rin gave him a thoughtful look. "Why did you sign up for it, then?"
"I didn't. I was coerced."
She cracked a smile. "What are your dreams for the future?"
"That I miraculously drop dead right now and don't have to finish this stupid pageant."
From behind the curtain, Kushina punched a wall. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I WROTE IN HIS SCRIPT!"
"Despite those foolish responses, Kakashi, you're still in the lead. The last challenge is that you'll have to woo the next judge to prove that you are definitely boyfriend-material."
"I'm not boyfriend-material, Kushina-san."
"Tough."
Everybody knew Kurenai as the beautiful kunoichi with good taste. She was unattainable, and it was only natural that she be the judge for the next challenge. Even though she was dressed in a beautiful black dress that was just the right amount of revealing, Kakashi didn't feel like complimenting her.
She looked pretty, he couldn't deny. He was a teenage boy, after all. Attraction was natural. But he wasn't the type to actually be open about it.
But Gai? He was another story.
"So, Gai, do you think this dress makes me look fat?"
"Fat? Kurenai-san, you could never look fat. You are a flawless sakura flower in full bloom. You are an angel sent down from the heavens. I am not worthy!"
The audience 'aww-ed'.
Kakashi rolled his eyes.
"Kakashi, does this dress make me look fat?"
"Yes, it does."
SLAP.
"Kushina, calm down!"
"He's doing it on purpose! That little brat is doing it on purpose, Minato, and you know it!"
"You forced him to participate…"
"What's your point?"
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry!"
"Alright, everybody! This is the moment you've been awaiting for! The judges have come back with their rulings. Let's start with Anko, who presided over the dress and style challenge."
"All of them except Gai dressed like hobos. Maito Gai, however, dressed like a circus performer."
"You have to choose a favourite, though."
"Right. Well, I choose Kakashi, because he's a nice piece of ass."
"Good choice."
…
"Rin, you judged them on the personality and intelligence challenge. Tell us your verdict."
"Well, honestly, I like all of them. I know most of them personally, and they're all wonderful, smart people. But when I consider this particular challenge, I have to say that Gai performed the best. Out of all ten participants, I felt like his responses were the most genuine, and the most cheerful, and that's really what this contest is about."
Kakashi narrowed his eyes. Well, well, well. Rin was a traitor.
…
"And Kurenai. I feel like you had the hardest time as a judge, because we all know what idiots men can be."
"You got that right, announcer-man."
"Hehe. Nevertheless, tell us your verdict."
"It's hard to say. Most of them—most—were charming enough. Gentlemanly, even. But honestly, I pick Gai as the winner of my challenge. Sure, his performance was rather over-the-top, but his enthusiasm and cheer would bring a smile to any girl's face. Gai has surprised me."
"Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have a winner for the Konoha's Sexiest Shinobi contest!"
The crowd cheered.
"The winner is, Maito Gai!"
Kushina punched another wall.
"Congratulations, Gai!"
"Congratulations! Who would have thought you'd win?"
"Thank you, thank you, my dear, youthful friends!"
Kakashi walked up to him, hands in his pockets. "Congratulations. You really deserve it."
Gai grinned. "Thank you, my eternal rival! This would make our score 231-230, with me in the lead."
"Yep."
Gai gave Kakashi one of the meal vouchers that he'd won in the contest. "Shall we celebrate?"
"What? No, this is yours. I couldn't."
"Don't be such a downer, Hatake," Asuma drawled. "Gai, me, Kurenai, Anko, Rin, Genma...we're all going, and we plan to split the bill. The vouchers will help, of course. You in or what?"
"That little jerk!" Kushina screeched. "I swear, Minato, when I get my hands on him, I'll—"
"But wasn't this all about making him lighten up a bit?"
"Yes, but did you see the way he was behaving all throughout? It was a complete disaster!"
"I'm not so sure…" Minato suddenly murmured, looking beyond Kushina. "See?"
Kushina turned to find Kakashi in a large group of his friends, walking off in the direction of the restaurant. "Huh," she exclaimed.
"I guess your idea worked."
"It was Gai's idea. But yes, I guess it did."
A/N: THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
Thank you for reading! Please help me reach my goal of 100 reviewers. Every 20th reviewer will get a Naruto one-shot of their choice from me.
Also, it feels odd to say this, but I will not be accepting any more prompts for the next few chapters. I already have a huge backlog that I need to work through. If you have submitted me a prompt, please understand that there may be a delay as I'm trying to write as many as I can. Thank you for understanding.
See you next chapter!