This story is about to take a dark turn, I promise no more death but this was always my plan with this story when I started it nearly a year ago. No one is going to suffer, there is just going to be some angst and many tears. It will take a while for the story to fully develop and I hope life doesn't run away with itself before I get it done.
I don't start back at School until Jan 26th but I have got ample coursework to do and I have a presentation to give on the 19th. I have a very busy community life too. I am trying to update this and We'll always survive and hope to write many chapters. I may upload them all at once when I have time to write and then you could go a week or so without an update, I'm off on Wednesday's but have driving lessons and then weekends are for family.
Also I seem to be having a better time writing we'll always survive right now so that one will probably be updated a little more regular than this one!
Monday 12th January
After a long morning at work I'm driving to meet Jason Taylor at the Mile High Club for lunch. I didn't want to speak with him yesterday due to the fact he and Gail were spending the day with Ellie and Zach but I have to ask him about what Grace told me on Saturday.
According to her Christian told Jason that I was to be happy and love again after him. I'm not ready to do that yet, but I had always feared even contemplating it because of Christian's possessiveness over me. He never liked a man even looking at me so how can I possibly believe he would be ok with me being in a relationship and having sex with someone who isn't his.
I can't say that this year has been easy without him and I do wish that someday I can meet a man who can help take care of me emotionally but not right now, I mean when the kids are older and I need someone, even if it is just for companionship.
I don't even know how to approach this subject with Jason, it's not an easy one at all. Whatever Christian told Jason that fateful day I deserve and have a right to know. I need to know. I don't like the idea that a whole year has gone by without me knowing what the last thing my husband said was.
Of course it wasn't the last thing he said. The last thing he really said was to me in the ambulance, when I died momentarily. I know for sure I saw him and spoke with him and he sent me back to be with our children. There is of course the many times I have seen him and heard him since. He's there, he's always there.
When I've cried because I've missed him and struggled without him, he has held me, he has wiped away my tears and promised it will get easier. I know many a person would say I'm crazy for even imagining it but I know he's there.
Just like today, he was with me in the studio. As I was singing I felt his hands on my biceps and warm air wrapped around me. I knew it was him and all it did was make me smile and feel loved still.
I head inside and Jason is already waiting for me at the table. I slide into the booth in front of him and sip at the sparkling water waiting for me. We both know better than to even consider drinking and driving, even just the one glass of wine. A drunk driver killed my husband.
"I needed to talk to you." I say. "About something Grace said on Saturday morning."
"She called me Ana, I know what this is about." He replies quietly. I say nothing prompting him to continue. "I didn't know how to tell you, I didn't ever come across the right time to tell you…"
"I just want to know what he said that he couldn't tell me because he didn't want me to know he was dying." I reply, I don't care yet why Jason didn't tell me, I just have this need to know what were my husband's last words and wishes.
"He told me I had to tell you that one day you'd be happy again and he wanted you to be free to love again. He said he knew that you'd know he hated the idea of you with another man but he didn't want you to be on your own and unhappy for the rest of your life, he wanted you to realise that you had two children to take care of and that you didn't have to do it on your own but at the same time, I'll admit he also asked me to check out the guy and make sure that whoever was going to be taking care of his children was a decent man." By the time he's finished I have to dab at my eyes with my serviette. Fucking Christian Grey.
I know what Taylor has said is true, through and through. Christian threw in some carefully thought out phrases and words into it so that I would know the message really was from him and he wasn't just trying to get me to move on with my life.
"Why would he say something like that?" I ask through my tears, it's impossible to understand because it in so many ways is not like Christian. I would have thought he was more likely going to say something like Jason was to make it impossible for me to be with anyone else, like try and control me from beyond the grave.
"They were desperate words of a dying man Anastasia." Jason replies quietly. "He knew he was going to die and he need you to know his final thoughts. What he said is right Ana, you're going to be happy one day and one day you'll meet someone and a relationship will blossom, you have two beautiful young children who need someone other than you in their lives too, someone to be a father figure for them to look up to and Christian recognised that. Before he died he knew that it was important for you to know that you wouldn't be his forever, not in the way you thought when you married."
"No more." I say quietly, not wanting to breakdown here. "I get it just please no more."
"I'm sorry."
"I needed to know." I tell him quickly. "It doesn't make it easy to hear but I needed to know just the same."
"Ok." Jason nods and for one of the very few times ever, I see that Jason Taylor isn't sure what to do with himself.
"I needed to know, because I always thought Christian would hate the thought of another man helping with the upbringing of his kids or sleeping with his wife. I have struggled to come to terms with the fact one day I'll break his heart by going with someone else because no one, not even I should be alone forever. I do have two babies to think about but even then, one day they won't be babies and they'll go to college and have their own lives and it would be unfair for anyone to ask me to still be by myself, I need someone too." I explain trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall, this is the first time I have ever admitted this out loud and to Christian's best friend of all people makes it that much harder.
"I don't disagree with you Ana and had the boss even try to say otherwise I'd have punched him for good measure." Jason jokes giving me a wink and I can't help but laugh which was the idea, Jason wouldn't have punched a dying Christian Grey whatever the controlling bastard would have said… my controlling bastard!
"Come on, let's get out of here." I laugh, knowing this dinner date is over and Mr Taylor is desperate to get home to his wife and daughter and I have a lot more work to be getting on with.
As we make our way for the lift my phone begins to ring. I glance at the caller ID in surprise at the name that appears. I wasn't expecting a call at all.
"Hello?" I ask confusion obvious in my voice.
"Hello Mrs Grey, would you by any chance be able to pop into the office this afternoon?" Doctor Liz's calm and soothing voice asks me from the other side of the line.
"Of course, anything wrong?" I ask, obviously worried, I was waiting for her to send me a report on James and here she is now asking me to go into the office.
"No, no nothing wrong I just need to talk with you and had a cancellation this afternoon so I thought I'd offer it to you rather than have to send an appointment letter out." Doctor Liz replies hurriedly.
"Ok, I can be there in twenty minutes." I tell her feeling worry in the pit of my stomach.
"Great, I'll see you then Mrs Grey." She hangs up before I do.
Taylor eyes me suspiciously, he can see the worry etched in my brow and I actually feel like I'm about to throw up. There is something wrong, there has to be or otherwise she wouldn't have wanted to see me and clearly at the first available opportunity.
"What is it Ana?" Taylor asks me, I know he can read me like an open book.
"There's something wrong with James." I choke. It is the only thing that makes sense.
"Ana?" Taylor questions as I lean back against the elevator, I can stay standing.
"That was Doctor Liz, she wants to see me." I explain.
"No don't get worked up she didn't tell you what it was about did she?" Taylor pushes, I know he's just trying to keep me calm but my mind is going a million miles an hour and I can't think.
"You're going to have to drive." I say taking my car keys out of my purse. I can't even contemplate driving at the moment, I know I'm shaking too much and I also know I won't be able to concentrate.
At the child development clinic we're shown straight through to the office and Doctor Liz is there to greet us. She looks worried and I'm not surprised because if she has made me panic for no good reason there will be hell to pay… at least I'm hoping that's why she feels worried.
"Come sit down." She says signalling the couch and chair in the corner of the room.
I take Taylor's hand in mine and make my way over. My mouth is dry as if it was full of cotton. My stomach is churning and I am truly terrified that something is seriously wrong with my son.
"Doctor Liz what is it?" I ask as she pulls a manila file onto her lap with my son's name on it. "Please?"
"Well as you know when we did James' well-baby check-up we took bloods and you asked for the comprehensive test, in otherwords test for everything we possibly can."
"You found something." I say blinking back tears. This cannot be happening.
"Have you ever heard of Huntington's disease?" Doctor Liz asks and Taylor squeezes my hand. I may not have ever heard of it but I think Taylor may have.
"Is that what my son has?" I ask quietly.
"I'm afraid so." Doctor Liz replies sadly. My world has just crashed and burned all over again.
"What the hell is it? What does this mean for my son? Is he going to die?" My questions just tumble out of my mouth uncontrollably as tears spill down my cheeks, I don't know what to expect.
"Ok, Ana deep breath for me, I know this is a lot to take in and we have a lot to discuss. Huntington's disease is a neurodegenerative genetic disorder, it is a … horrible disease I won't lie to you but usually symptoms don't begin to show until between the ages of thirty five and forty five…"
"What?" I ask but it's only because I can't take in her words, I'm in a state of shock.
"In other words Ana, chances are James is going to be ok for a few years, it can hit in infants but it's very rare. We'll keep an eye on him of course, he'll need to come in every year for us to run some tests."
"What kind of tests?" I spit trying to control my rising temper, I don't feel like she's really explaining anything to me.
"Motor tests."
"Motor?" I ask. "Wait didn't you say this was a genetic disorder doesn't that mean I have to have it?" I ask suddenly as the realisation hits me.
"Please, Ana I know this is difficult but let me explain." Doctor Liz says calmly. "Huntington's is a disease that effects mood and it causes cognitive difficulties like memory problems and such. The other part of the disease is it affects physical functioning. The earliest symptoms are usually mood and memory but it's quickly followed by uncoordinated and jerky movements and little by little a person with Huntington's will lose control of their body completely. Yes you're right, for James to have it then you or his father has to have the gene as it is a dominant mutation, whichever one of you has the gene will have the disease too."
I sit in silence. Shocked. I don't know what to do what to say or how to react. My little boy has a disease. A disease he has to have had from me or from Christian. A disease from what I have gathered will eventually lead him to live the life of a cabbage.
"You will need to be tested Ana." Doctor Liz says, breaking the silence that had engulfed us.
"What about India?" I ask.
"India too, she only had the standard test at her one year check, your nanny bought her in and filled the forms."
India could have this too. My babies. This is not happening. Not now.