Ichigo woke in a vice grip. Girmmjow was still asleep but every muscle in him was tensed, his breathing harsh at his back. The room was dark but for the bathroom light that still glowed behind the shut door. Ichigo tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn't stop thinking about the state of the man holding him. He remembered that night they had almost had sex. He remembered what he'd wanted and needed, and how he had made himself forget what had happened to the espada. And then Grimmjow had reacted so badly, and he hadn't even understood why.

It had been stupid of him for so many reasons. It was unfair to Grimmjow in his state, and it was dangerous. He didn't know how he would convince Grimmjow to get an exam, but he would have to be checked for infections for his own health, and for Ichigo's if they ever made it to that stage.

He wasn't even sure how this had happened. Some part of him had just guessed the natural path of his life was to end up with Orihime. But if that was what should have happened, wouldn't it already? He would be eighteen in a matter of a week. He'd never been with anyone. So he didn't know what he should feel for who. But Grimmjow had rescued him. Or at least half of him had. It had been Halibel to insist he be freed, but it was Grimmjow who'd whispered to him he was safe, and who held him. He didn't know if part of Grimmjow cared for him, or all of him.

And how could he ask Grimmjow that question?

He started when arms clenched around him and Grimmjow woke sitting up sharply, half dragging Ichigo with him. He freed the teen and sat breathing hard on the bed, scanning the room with glassy eyes.

"We're in Soul Society." Ichigo reminded him.

"Right." He ran a hand over his face and looked to the chair next to the bed.

"Is she here?"

He just nodded and rubbed his eyes. He sat in what looked like defeat, perhaps he'd hoped it would all go away with sleep, or maybe with Ichigo next to him.

"I need some air."

Ichigo didn't know if he was allowed to take Grimmjow from the ward. He wasn't even really sure who had okayed his care in the first place. He just guessed everyone was so busy with the Vandenreich they didn't care. He handed Grimmjow a sweater and led him through the quiet halls of the Fourth. They stepped into the yard, the night fairly silent, lamp light shimmering in only a few windows on the hill. There was a hint of fall in the air, but it was still warm enough for them. Moonlight washed over them, Grimmjow looked to it and Ichigo guessed he was imagining Hueco Mundo.

"What do I do now, Ichigo?" he asked abruptly.

"You get better."

"But what does that mean?" His eyes were brilliant in the ghost light of the moon, hard as steel even when he was so hurt. "Why can't she stay?"

"Don't you know? Because right now, you are literally lying to yourself."

He considered this. "So if I can remember everything, she'll go away, and I'll be me again?"

"I don't know, Girmmjow."

"What if she's all that's keeping me from losing it completely?"

"Again, I don't know." He nodded, accepting that there was no easy answer. He seemed very calm, given the circumstances.

His eyes turned back to the moon. "Ichigo, did you tell anyone, about what they did to me?"

"I haven't."

"Good."

"Grimmjow-"

"Why does it matter? No one needs to know."

"Unohana does."

He shook his head. "No."

"If nothing else..." how did he say this? Did espada know anything about sexual health? He stepped closer to him and tried to meet his eyes, but they were adamantly fixed anywhere but his face.

"You just need to be checked out in general. You could have infections, or injuries that need treating."

Some sort of understanding must have passed over him because he dropped his chin and regarded the teen.

"Right."

"Good. Then in the morning, we'll talk to her." He just nodded, but he looked down to Ichigo's hand and pulled his own from his sweater pocket. They wordlessly laced their fingers together, each as skeletal as the other, both their wrists rough from scars. Grimmjow's eyes trailed their way back up to Ichigo's face, noting prominent collar bones, bruises still fresh where needles had been pushed into his neck. He studied high cheekbones he'd never noticed when they'd been enemies. His skin was pale, his hair too long and it hung shaggy over his ears. And then he met his eyes, and knew Ichigo had just finished the same study of him, at the moment, they probably couldn't win a fight against a low level soul reaper even if they combined their strength. They were shadows of their former selves.

The realization of just how much they'd both suffered settled heavily on them. They both broke eye contact, but they also both moved to hold the other. Grimmjow leaned his maskless cheek against Ichigo's head and took a long breath. Just days ago he had held Ichigo like this, feeling like he was the one who was strong, he was the one who could save them. How delusional he'd been. The whole time he thought he was caring for Ichigo, the other had been struggling every day to maintain the facade of Halibel's existence. He'd suffered in that chair and still come back and pretended to see and hear a woman long dead.

"Don't think that way." He jolted and pulled back from Ichigo. "Sorry." Halibel apologized. He glanced at Ichigo who was wondering what had happened. "Oh come on, Grimmjow, you're not going to stop talking to me just because you know what I am. He's watched you have a one sided conversation for months.

"Fine." He said to his other half. He tried not to notice how Ichigo's shoulders sagged when he understood.

"Tell him what you were just thinking and he'll tell you the truth."

"No."

"Grimmjow, what's she saying?" He turned to the teen but shook his head. "Please?"

"I just...all that time you were suffering you also had to pretend she was real so I didn't snap." He shoved his hands in his pockets.

"So..." Ichigo worked out pretty quickly what was bothering him. "Grimmjow, you were the only thing that kept me sane." He instantly regretted his choice of words but the other didn't take offence so he continued. "You could have chosen to keep holding your grudge, to ignore me and hate me, but you did the opposite. You fucking held me when I cried, Grimmjow!"

His voice had risen, he calmed himself down but emotions still ran high. "I was never like that before. I cried when my mom died, and then after that, hardly ever. But every day I just felt like I had nothing in me any more, nothing to hold myself together. Until you did it for me."

"Fuck."

"What?"

"When did we become such sentimental bastards?"

Ichigo smiled, Grimmjow did too, and raised his hand to Ichigo's face. The teen waited, wanting to move in, but wanting to do what was right for Grimmjow. So they ended up just staring at one another for a long moment before Grimmjow made his move, put a testing kiss on Ichigo's lips. But it didn't last, he pulled away and sat on the pathways steps, head dropped into hands.

"It's okay." Ichigo sat next to him.

"Is it? Because it doesn't feel that way to me."

"I mean...shit, Grimmjow, I don't know what I mean, just that, I want to help you."

"Can we just stay out here for a while?"

"Sure."

They remained where they were, silent, but together, under the cold light of moon and stars above.

They returned inside just before dawn but a commotion outside their door caused them to follow running soul reapers down the hall to the emergency ward.

"My father!" Ichigo said, struck at once by the familiar power. Zangetsu rattled in his chest, the power so akin to him was perhaps recalling his soul reaper side. He shuddered and Grimmjow put an arm around him. "He's in bad shape." He felt it, but he also saw it. Bloodied compresses dropped to the floor around the table where bodies worked and shielded their sight of the man.

"He held out for a long time." Grimmjow said next to him. They watched from a distance, Ichigo knowing there was nothing he could do to help his father. Unohana was taking charge, she would do everything to save him.

"We have another one!" They moved quickly to allow a second gurney to pass and push into a curtained area. Ichigo had just glimpsed enough to know it was Urahara. He looked just as bad.

"Was anyone else unaccounted for?" Grimmjow asked.

"No, they were the last. Everyone's back now."

"Good."

Grimmjow didn't have much reason to care about the Soul Reapers, but he didn't want Ichigo to go rushing back to the ice palace in an attempt to save anyone.

"I have to make a phone call."

Grimmjow let Ichigo from his hold. The teen stepped just down the hall and pulled his soul pager from his robes. A short conversation took place, he hung up after whispering a thank you to Orihime.

"She's staying with my family, along with my friends. They've been keeping them safe while the others tried to get to me." He explained when he returned.

"So they were trying to rescue you all along?"

"Yeah. Unohana said it took a long time to breach the walls of that world."

"Makes sense."

"You don't have to stay." Ichigo said, turning back to the now shut door of the operating room. But the broken man remained adamantly next to him.

"Yes I do."

Isshin was in a coma. Urahara had not been expected to live out the night but pulled through, and was equally down and out. Ichigo stood over his father's form, machines breathing for him, body covered in bandages, several soaked red. "I'm sorry." he spoke to the man. Grimmjow was just outside, he'd given him this moment of privacy. "I should never have doubted you." He took his hand, it was stiff and cold. He dropped it. "I thought about you so much, when Bach was messing with my head, saying shit about mom. But you- you had to have known all this time and you never told me. What I went through! It could have been avoided if I'd been prepared, if I'd known!"

"Ichigo!" Grimmjow had pushed through the door, hearing his raised voice. "What's wrong?"

"Everything, Grimmjow." He left his father's bedside. "He could have stopped this before it happened."

"He could?"

"Probably. There's so much he hasn't told me and everything Bach did to me was because he said he loved my mother." His hands had clenched into fists. "The Head Captain probably knew, but now he's dead, and now my father is unreachable."

Grimmjow didn't know what to say so he said nothing. That was perhaps why Ichigo found such comfort in him. He was honest, and he didn't mince words. He took his hand.

"Come on, we need to talk to Unohana today."

He immediately felt Grimmjow start to withdraw but he tightened his grip. "Sorry Grimmjow, but since my father is beyond my help, I have to focus on you."

Ichigo knew this did nothing to ease Grimmjow's discomfort, but he yielded in the face of Ichigo's need.

They left the intensive care unit for Unohana's personal office.

It wasn't really the best time. She'd been occupied with two complicated cases most of the night, but Ichigo did not want to let this go any longer and when he saw her pleasant face he knew she would be willing to help.

"I was hoping you could give Grimmjow a physical exam."

"I had hoped that to." She said, not having been able to give him one since his arrival due to his shocking revelation.

"Do you think we could do it now?"

"Yes of course. May I ask that we do this in private?" She looked to Ichigo. Ichigo looked back at Grimmjow. His grip on his hand tightened; Unohana noticed. "I am only worried that you might withhold answers to questions for fear of what Ichigo might think."

"Oh." Grimmjow said slowly thinking it over but his eyes trailed to another point in the room.

"She has a point." Halibel said. "It's not like you even know the answers. What I tell you, you might not want him to know."

"Yeah." Grimmjow said to Unohana and slid his hand from Ichigo's.

"It's standard procedure." She informed the teen.

"Wait, just, I need to make sure Grimmjow tells you something." He watched Grimmjow stiffen. "Sorry, but I know you don't want to say it."

"Of course I fucking don't."

"Well will you?"

Tension grew between them. Unohana watched them carefully. "Grimmjow," she began softly, putting a hand lightly against his arm. "Would it perhaps be easier, if Ichigo told me while you went into the exam room?" He considered before nodding. "Alright, I will be in shortly."

He pushed through to the next room. She turned back to Ichigo. The teen didn't seem to have any easier time saying it, it shocked him how difficult it was to utter aloud.

"During their torture, they uh...r-raped Grimmjow."

Despite he calm features, there was no way to hide the ripple in her eyes, the ghost of emotion. She took Ichigo's hand and got him to sit.

"I understand how difficult this might be for you, but it is very important that I know as much as possible. And I also understand Grimmjow might not remember everything."

"It's true. I don't know how much Halibel has said to him, if anything, but Bach told me how it started. Actually, Grimmjow told me too, but he told me about what happened to Halibel."

"I see."

"There was a man at least four or five months ago, it happened several times and then stopped. And then another, six weeks after my capture. He uh..he dislocated Grimmjow's hip."

He sniffed, hard, not expecting the tears to well up. Unohana gave him a tissue. "It's quite alright Ichigo. But since the two of you seem very close, I do have to ask just how close you've become."

His face burned, he couldn't look at her and hid behind the tissue and tears. "Not that close, not yet. Can you test him for that stuff?"

"Certainly, and I will. Until then please take precautions, the best being abstinence."

"I don't think Grimmjow's anywhere near ready for that, but yeah, I understand."

"Good."

"Wait, Unohana, do you think it's wrong?"

"What?"

"Us. I mean, I'm not even sure what to call us but we're close. But he's sick, and an espada, and-"

"It's between the two of you, Ichigo. I or no one else, have a place to judge you. As for his mental state, I have yet to assess him properly. But the easiest answer, is if you feel like you are doing something wrong, not because someone else said it, but because it's in your heart, then don't do it. On the other hand, if your heart tells you that this is right, well then, you have your answer. Now, I will perform my exam, it may take some time, would you like to wait in here?"

"Please. And if he needs me, I'll be here."

"Thank you, Ichigo."

A ripple of dark energy flowed through the room. Ichigo rose before the door opened and didn't have to be asked before he followed her in.

He almost stopped short at the sight. Grimmjow was on the edge of an exam table, naked save his boxers and a blanket over his shoulders, head bowed and hands holding the table's edge so tight it looked like it was dented around his fingers. But it was the contracted stomach muscles, the heaves of his chest and the heart wrenching sobs that tore from him that shocked the teen so much. He moved at once to put his arms around his companion.

"What is it?" he breathed, Grimmjow's knees shook on either side of his hips, his face pressed hard into his shoulder. He couldn't speak for his pain so Unohana did for him.

"I believe Halibel shared some secrets with him he was shocked to discover."

"About what we discussed?"

She nodded. They'd been in here for an hour, had this been all they'd discussed? Had they even gotten around to the fact that Grimmjow's mind had snapped in two? Grimmjow's arms tightened on him, he was practically suffocating himself against Ichigo, he started to feel a deeper dread. "Oh no, did he remember?"

"I don't know, but it certainly sounds like it."

"You shouldn't have kept digging." Halibel put a hand on Grimmjow's shaking shoulder. He only held Ichigo back tighter. "That week, when Driscoll took us, and I died, and then you were barely recovered before he came for you again- that was probably the worst thing you could have remembered."

Even though Ichigo couldn't see his eyes, he felt him tense. "Is Halibel talking to you?"

The slightest nod made him look around in paranoia, even though he knew she wasn't actually there.

"Is she making you remember?"

"I'm not making him do anything." She defended. "He's the one determined to make himself go insane."

"I ALREADY HAVE!" Grimmjow screamed, pulling away from Ichigo and staring at her. "You are proof of that."

"I'm proof that you are strong enough to survive anything. All of that should have driven you over the edge, but with me, you carried on, you didn't end up a drooling mess. In fact, with me, you're stronger, because that pain- you shouldn't have been able to stand in that pain but you convinced yourself it was just a beating, you'd had worse."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying alone, you're not strong enough to handle those memories. And I won't let you remember anything else, Grimmjow."

"I thought you said you couldn't be with me forever."

"Maybe not forever, but you're definitely not ready now." Her harsh tones softened. "Grimmjow, you just found out I'm not real, that I'm dead. You don't want to let me go. Because once that happens, you really have lost Halibel for good."

He watched her back, the words devastating, true. He bowed his head again.

"Grimmjow?" Ichigo asked. He waited, standing before him.

"She's right." he whispered. "I'm not strong enough."

"Why? What is it? Did you remember something?"

A nod. "It's still not very clear. But I saw the chairs. That pain..."

Ichigo knew it had been far stronger than what the King had put him through; he couldn't imagine enduring that.

"But Driscoll...Ichigo I see his face. I remember it." his hand fell to his stomach, memories clouded his eyes.

Grimmjow saw the medical ward, he felt his body so exhausted, his mind still clouded, numb. But he'd come, smile on face, hand trailing up ankle to thigh on the bed he was strapped to.

Then his cell. Face down on the cement. A hand slid to his stomach, held him tight, pulled him up-

"Grimmjow!" Ichigo had him by the shoulders.

He threw up.

Wow, so thank you all for your support and advice, because of it I was more confident re-working some of the content I had and as a result I think it has made this a better story. I will be continuing it! Thank you all so much for reviewing and helping me out with this!

Riza