DISCLAIMER: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: Thank you to my beta, Justine, you totally rock and I floves you! Thanks to my girls to talking me through this one - love ya! Also thank you to the gals over at Twi-Muses for the write up and lovely interview!
To all my readers, thank you so much for all your kind reviews - I'm overwhelmed by your heart felt words!
Feral has been nominated for several Sunflower Awards, thank you to those that nominated me and those who have voted!
*ps* You may want a tissue!
~XXXX~
BPOV
"What the hell are you thinking, Bella? What about college?"
"They have schools in Washington."
I haven't seen Charlie this upset in a long time; all the same, I really wish he wouldn't yell.
"I want you to graduate, to have a future..."
I stop him right there. "So you think my helping Edward is throwing all that away?"
Charlie looks at me with a mix of emotions – a bit of anger, but mostly sadness. He rises from his chair where we sit on the privacy of the patio and places his hand on my shoulder.
"Bells, I know you have feelings for this guy, but don't put all of your hopes into him."
My dad and I have always had an amicable relationship. Very few times have we actually been really upset with each other - this is one of those times.
"I just want to know why," he says heavily.
"I don't know. I...I just...it feels right, in my heart."
He exhales deeply. I know my answer isn't what he wanted to hear.
"I just want what's best for you, kiddo."
"What exactly are you trying to say, Dad?"
Charlie has never been good with direct, and his discomfort is visible. His hand is no longer on my shoulder; he's pacing back and forth, smoothing his mustache - his nervous habit.
"I don't want to see you hurt, and I'm not blind. You're falling hard for Edward, and I don't know if he has the capacity to return that."
His words cut deep, maybe because there is truth to them. I don't know what Edward is emotionally capable of. I know he has affection for me, but whether or not it will ever be more than as a care taker, I have no idea.
I wish I could make my dad understand... Hell, I wish I understood.
I've always been a compliant person - never forcing my opinions or desires on anyone. This time is different. I won't just stand idly by and watch Edward leave my life. I won't put that kind of hurt on him, or on myself, for that matter.
"Please understand, Dad. I need to do this. All my life I've read about people who've had that moment in their life where a big decision had to be made. I think this is my moment - my leap of faith. I'm going no matter what, but I'd really like it if you were on board."
"Sorry, Bells. I can't do it."
Charlie scrubs his hand across his face before turning and going back in the house.
I remain on the patio in stunned silence, the warm night air taking on a sudden chill.
~xx~
Tanya POV
I'm surprised Charlie still wanted to keep our date. I saw his face when he came in from talking to Bella, and he didn't look happy. Yet here we sit in a dimly lit restaurant, acting like everything is fine.
Dinner is delicious and Charlie is talkative tonight, regaling me with tales of some of his stranger arrests.
It's not until our dessert and coffee arrives that I broach the topic I feel has been hanging over the entire evening.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
"Don't be obtuse, Charles. You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"Not much to say; Bella is dead-set on going."
I see talkative Charlie is gone – back to one-liner Charlie.
"And you're against her going?"
"Of course. She isn't thinking."
"What makes you say that?" I ask, honestly curious about his thoughts.
He takes a large gulp of his coffee before answering.
"I want her to finish college, and she barely knows Mrs. Masen or Edward. She isn't thinking logically. She's letting her emotions take over." Charlie is matter-of-fact, and I can tell in his mind everything is cut and dry.
"Is that such a bad thing?"
"I should have known you would take her side."
His words sting a bit, but I know they are spoken out of anger and hurt and not malice.
Taking his hand I wait until he makes eye contact. "I'm not taking sides, Charlie. I'm trying to get you to think. Do you have any idea the number of people I get in my office who are ridden with guilt from disagreements that have driven wedges between family members?"
Charlie looks completely exasperated. "You don't understand. She's my kid. I love her. I don't want her making a mistake that could affect the rest of her life."
Poor guy. I see this everyday; parents that struggle with letting their kids make their own choices.
"Charlie, I don't have to be a parent to get how difficult it is to stand by and watch someone you love make choices that might hurt them. You need to let Bella make mistakes because you love her. Besides, I think you're giving Bella and Edward far too little credit. Bella is a smart girl. Following her heart is not equivalent to rash, and Edward is making amazing progress. I think he'll surprise us all with what he can achieve."
I try not to do this with people outside of work, especially ones I'm dating, but I think Charlie really needed to hear this. I'm hoping he will take it at face value and not read this as interference.
"You've given me some things to consider."
~xx~
Esme POV
"Do we really have to do this?"
"I'm afraid so, Mrs. Masen."
"Please, Officer Swan. Does it really matter if Edward is reported found? I know he is, and I don't see how it matters to anyone else." I use my most pleading tone, hoping it will sway him.
"I would love to not have to report this, but if you want to file for insurance for him, if he wants to get a job some day - anything that requires documentation – he will need to be able to prove he's alive."
Pinching the bridge of my nose provides very little relief for the headache that's starting to pound in my head. I'll forever regret my decision to have Edward declared dead. It was the day I had given up. It had been six years - how could I possibly know he was still alive?
"Do you have any idea what effect this will have?"
"I don't know. I've never heard of a case like this before - suspect confesses, refuses legal counsel and seems perfectly content in her cell."
I nod in acknowledgement, the memories of the officers and judge on the case bubbling to the surface of my mind. No one ever figured out the motive for the kidnapping and murder. She never said a word in her defense, just looked eerily pleased that my life was destroyed.
"I'll let you know if I hear anything," Charlie adds.
His tone makes me feel dismissed, but I still have something I need to say to him.
"I know you must be feeling some animosity toward me right now, but I promise you I'll look out for Bella like she's my own."
Charlie looks around his computer, his serious brown eyes meeting mine. "I'll hold you to that."
I'm taken aback by his cold tone, and I decide rather than try and plead my side, it's best to leave.
I knew when I asked her Charlie would be upset, and I guess I can see why he would blame me for that. Perhaps he will come around before we leave. I would hate to be the cause of a rift between father and daughter.
~xx~
(two days later)
"Come in." Carlisle's voice carries easily through the closed door of his den.
Cracking open the door, I poke my head in to see Carlisle browsing through a large book.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I can come back later."
Carlisle jumps to his feet, sending books scattering to the floor."No. I'm…please, Esme, come in." I was just reading up on a few things, nothing important."
Stepping into his office I feel suddenly nervous, wondering if I can actually go through with asking him my intended question.
Carlisle looks a bit...rumpled, for lack of a better word. His normally tidy hair looks like he's been running his fingers through it, and I can't help but wonder if he isn't sleeping enough.
"Is everything alright?" he asks me, genuine concern on his face.
"Oh, yes. I just have something I want to ask you."
Expectant silence falls between us as I summon up my courage. "I would like to see the cave Edward was found in." Carlisle just stares at me, mouth slightly agape. "Would you be willing to take me?"
He falls back into his chair looking like I've knocked the wind right out of him.
After several moments of heavy silence he answers me. "Are you sure you want to see that?"
"No, but I'm sure I need to."
Carlisle looks me up and down several times. "You ready now?"
Now it's my turn to be surprised. I figured I had a fifty percent chance he would consent to taking me. I had no idea he would be willing to drop everything and take me this instant.
"Umm...sure. Let me change first."
"I'll let Bella know. Is fifteen minutes enough time?"
After a quick nod I hurry from the room.
~xx~
Even after the couple of hours it's been since we left the house, I'm still thinking of the look on Bella's face. When Carlisle told her what we were doing, her already pale skin turned a deathly shade of gray, and she clung tightly to Edward's hand resting on her leg. I honestly thought she might pass out.
Her voice was barely above a whisper when she asked me why in the world I would want to see that cave. I tried to explain to her the best I could that I needed to see with my own eyes exactly where Edward was. To my complete astonishment, Bella had given me a fierce hug before we left. Edward even shuffled to her side and gripped my fingers in his, warming my heart.
I feel fairly certain Bella doesn't really understand why I'm doing this. I think only Carlisle can understand. I need to see this cave - this place my son existed when he was dead to me.
Comfortable silence fills the car as we bounce along the packed dirt road, each of us seemingly lost in thought.
When Carlisle finally stops the car, we are still a distance from any rock formations. I guess we'll be walking the rest the way.
As we begin walking, it isn't difficult to see how Edward remained hidden all those years. The landscape is desolate, sparse vegetation dotting the ground; small tufts of dry grass, various cacti, and the occasional Joshua tree.
The terrain soon begins to make a steady climb, and I find myself heaving huge gulps of air. It's been awhile since the last time I did any type of hiking and I'm feeling it now.
Carlisle easily climbs up and over the rocks we are scaling, always mindful of me, frequently offering me a helping hand - which I gladly take.
When Carlisle comes to a sudden stop, I run right into him. He turns to me, his face etched with sympathy. "We're here."
Behind Carlisle I notice a crevice in the rock wall. It looks barely big enough to fit through, and I admit to being nervous about squeezing inside. But I remind myself both Carlisle and Edward have fit through here, so clearly I can too.
Carlisle flips on the light of his headlamp before leading us into the cave.
Crawling is the only way to make it through the narrow mouth of the cave and into the equally constricting passage inside.
Carlisle is extremely patient, encouraging me along.
It isn't long until I feel the confines of the passageway open up and I find myself crawling into a small chamber.
The first thing I notice is the air, it's not as stagnant as I expected.
I sit back, taking a moment to sip from the water bottle Carlisle handed me, while he shines his light around the cave.
I'm extremely proud of myself for holding up so well, no emotional break down so far. That is until Carlisle's head lamp catches something. Crawling across the floor, I make my way to where Carlisle has directed the light. In an alcove at the furthest part of the cave from the passage is a heap of dried grass.
Emotion chokes me immediately as I realize this must have been Edward's makeshift bed, an indentation in the middle still marking where he would have lain.
I feel compelled to touch this spot, almost as though it were hallowed ground. I suppose in a way it is. Against all odds my boy managed to survive - a true miracle.
My hand caresses the curve in the grass that held my son for untold years. I fight the images in my mind, Edward scared and alone, huddled on this little bed of grass.
Gingerly, I lie down, fitting myself into the same spot Edward once occupied. So many thoughts and emotions flood me I soon find myself shaking with sobs. Carlisle's arms lift me gently from where I lay, pulling me tightly to him where he kneels on the stone floor. My face presses into the soft material of his shirt, soaking it with my tears. His touch is tender as he brushes the hair from my face, lingering on my cheek.
"I hope these are your last tears of sadness."
He's right, and I want nothing more then to let these be my last tears of mourning. It's time to let go of the sadness that has been my life for ten years. It's time to move forward.
When my tears are spent, I raise my head from Carlisle's chest to find his face inches from mine. I'm mesmerized when I feel his thumb begin to stroke my cheek. His breath is warm on my face and my heart beats so loud I'm certain the sound is filling the cave.
His face moves closer to mine until his lips are gently brushing against my own.
It's not like the deep, passionate kisses you see in the movies, but soft and tender.
I feel a tingle starting, deep and warm in my chest, a new hope blooming in my heart.
Carlisle settles my head on his shoulder, and we each embrace the other. No words seem necessary. We are each testing feelings long forgotten.
Perhaps there is more in my future than a renewed relationship with my son.
~XXXX~
A/N: I know, not enough Edward, he will be back next chapter! Thank you all for continuing to read!
Fic Rec: Little Green and Easybella by Betti Gefect. This story is absolutely beautiful...as is the author!