Chapter 10
Over eggs, pancakes, sausage and coffee (Steve was able to at least make that), Mark watched Jaime and Steve 'circle' each other with their eyes, seeking answers to their questions...and acceptance of their faults. He hoped they were ready to give each other the honesty they not only sought but needed desperately. Mark would do everything he could '' but the outcome was really up to them. When the food was gone and they'd lingered just a bit over coffee, the trio moved into the living room. Finally, it was time. Steve chose his easy chair while Jaime curled up on the sofa. Mark chose the rocker where he could face both of them and (sensing they were both too nervous to be the first to talk), he parted the waters for them.
''Hell of a honeymoon for you,'' he noted softly. Jaime and Steve both stared down at the floor, suddenly unable to find the right words or even to look at each other. They both knew the next few minutes were pivotal; their entire future was in the balance...and they were terrified.
Steve took a deep breath...and then another. It still wasn't easy for him to talk about his feelings but he knew that this was it...possibly his only chance to put the pieces back together. Finally, he found his courage and dove in. ''Jaime...'' he began (in a voice nearly choked with emotion), ''I don't want to lose you. Please tell me what you need from me..tell me how to fix this...and I'll do anything. Please...?''
Jaime looked up at him with tears already forming in her eyes. Their gazes met...and held. ''I didn't leave because of the test results,'' she began. ''I left because...I was afraid.''
''Of me?'' Steve asked.
''No...not...not exactly. But of your anger. I don't know...I mean, you won't tell me...what's doing this to you. So I have to assume...that it's me. Or this baby...or both...''
''Sweetheart, of course not -''
''Let her finish, Steve,'' Mark told him quietly.
''When I came home,'' Jaime went on, her voice shaking with every word, ''and I saw you in that chair...passed out. I...I'd never seen you like that before. But from the way everything was...spilled...and broken...I could tell it wasn't your first time.''
''You're right '' and I'm sorry,'' Steve replied.
''It...you...scared me, Steve! And then, when I came out of the bathroom and heard what you said...about the lab tests...it...I just...'' Jaime struggled to find words for what she needed to say. ''It seemed like, with what I'd just seen '' you, drunk and passed out '' that this baby was something you just couldn't deal with. Or that...maybe...you were so furious with me that you couldn't even talk to me about it. And I won't live that way. I can't...let this baby be brought into the world that way. So...I left. But...I love you, Steve.''
''I love you too...so much,'' Steve told her. ''Where do we go...from here?''
''I want allof the liquor out of the house...''
Steve nodded. ''Already took care of that with Mark before you got here. And I'm not angry with you...that's not it at all.''
''Honesty, Steve,'' Mark reminded him softly. ''Total honesty.''
''Alright,'' Steve allowed. ''Do I wish you hadn't kissed Michael '' and held him like that '' in the hospital? Yeah; of course I do. But...the anger you've been sensing...it isn't because of that. We've talked that through and let go of it. I'm angry because...I hate what happened to you! I hate Michael '' and Kingsley '' for what they did! Nothing gave them the right to hurt you...to hurt us that way...and...'' (Finally, he forced himself to say it.) ''...and I hate myself for not being able to stop it '' for not being able to help you!''
Mark nodded at Steve with a slight smile, knowing how hard that had been for him.
''There was nothing you could've done '' any of those times!'' Jaime told her husband. ''I was helpless...but you were helpless too. And...they wanted it that way. Because it hurt us both...even more. Because it made them...happy.''
''Steve, you're going to be angry with Michael '' and with Kingsley '' for probably a long time,'' Mark explained. ''But there are ways of dealing with that where you aren't endangering yourself '' or your relationship. You can go for a run. You could get yourself a punching bag '' although I'd advise using your left hand there so you don't 'dust' it the first time you hit it.'' (This managed to get a chuckle from both Austins.) ''You could even try something that will seem foreign at first but that I promise will get easier, the more you do it: you can talk it out with your wife. Jaime is stronger than you think she is, and while I know you're afraid of hurting her by talking about Michael, you hurt her more when you hold it inside because then she has no idea what's going on with you. And that can have disastrous consequences.''
''Yeah,'' Steve agreed. ''I found that out the hard way. Jaime, I...I'm sorry. I'll try to do better. When I act like that, just hit me upside my head. Or better yet, slug my arm like you're so good at. But please...will you come home where you belong? I...I need you, Sweetheart...and I need to watch you gradually get as big as a house '' with our baby.''
''Steve, I...of course, I wanna come home. And I will...yes! But...I think I'll keep the other place open for now, with that suitcase of stuff over there. Because if I see you take another drink...if things go scary-bad like that...I have to protect our baby. But if I see you acting like a 'strong, silent, macho jerk'...yeah, I'll give you a good slug. Just as a reminder.''
It was everything Steve could have dared to hope for...and more. Jaime had one gift to give him, right at that moment. ''Steve...'' she said, her eyes lighting up, ''come over here '' please?'' When he sat down next to her (unsure of what it was she wanted), Jaime reached for his hand and placed it on her stomach. Now he, too, could feel the fluttering of the baby inside her...for the very first time.
Things weren't idyllic at first, but Jaime and Steve both worked at it with determination...and with love. Gradually, Steve learned to express himself at least a little better...and yet still occasionally earned himself a slug on the arm. After a few weeks, Jaime retrieved her things from the safe house and let Oscar know she didn't need it any longer. She worked a few more missions, some by herself and some with her husband, and then the time came (about a month and a half later) when her belly could no longer be hidden by loose jackets or tunics and she had to admit that her center of gravity was 'off'. For Jaime, no matter how much being an operative might've been in her blood, it was time to stop working (at least for now). Besides, they had a new arrival to begin preparing for!