Chapter Eleven
Sunday Evening: 2 days post return
At nine-thirty, Alex entered the living area and immediately noticed the brightness, every lamp and light in the space illuminated, her wife sitting on the sofa with her knees drawn to her chest, arms holding them tightly against her, a large blue mug in her right hand. Olivia was staring into space, straight ahead at the TV that was currently not on—a black screen with only the reflection of the room to look at—"Take Off" by Alice Wonder playing through the speakers on either side of the credenza—the song the perfect mood, the exact enhancing tune for the vibe at that moment.
Olivia had had a difficult day—a difficult weekend—and Alex had been understanding. Although not easy. An extremely small fraction of that time, the brunette would appear her typical enthusiastic self, laughing and smiling and taking in the joy that was their lives. But for the most part, it would emerge. She would slip into her own mind, her own thoughts and would become vacant, expressionless as they attempted to carry out normal activities—grocery store, laundry, little tasks like emptying the dishwasher and changing the sheets. Her wife had been either sullen or irritable, her emotions turned on and off like a switch. And Alex didn't have a clue how to predict them, much less console them.
Olivia still hadn't shared any information. Not one word. And Alex didn't expect her to just spill a detailed minute-by-minute account of the horror she had gone through. But the looming cloud of what had happened was there, ever-present, darkening the skies above them and everyone that said cloud blanketed.
And even the kids had been affected.
From the moment that Alex realized that her wife was missing, their ability to perceive anxiety, danger, and fear in their blonde mother was ever on point, even for such young ages.
But now that Olivia had returned and had physically shown that she still existed in the flesh and had come home and had not left them, that nagging anxiousness was still there. And as long as Olivia kept all of it inside, kept it confined inside that beautiful mind and constantly thought about her ordeal, Alex knew that things around the house, around the kids, and around each other would continue to be strained and tense.
Alex watched as Olivia untucked her legs, placed her bare feet on the floor, and then reached forward for the remote to the stereo and then shut it off with the pressing of a button, muting all beautiful noise and now filling the space with silence. The brunette then leaned back once more and sat with her hands on either side of her upper thighs, her gaze returning to the black rectangle.
Alex averted her gaze then and stepped into the kitchen and moved toward the refrigerator and opened the door. She took note of the gallon of milk—three-fourths full—and lifted the lid to peek inside the egg carton—eight left—before she opened the deli drawer and saw that there were two, unopened packages of smoked turkey—plenty for the week—stocked up on lettuce and vegetables and bread and she felt her eyes glaze over as her gaze remained fixed on the carton of almond milk on the top shelf.
She knew all of this, though. Knew the inventory of the large appliance very well.
After all, they had gone grocery shopping that very day and she knew the exact items that they had and knew they needed nothing. She was only trying to keep herself busy, keep her hands and mind occupied. Something to fill the vacancy that was usually filled with her wife's voice and her own, their playful, flirtatious banter fluttering around, their frequent, comforting, random touches, their symbiotic relationship.
She shut the door and turned to find Olivia now sitting on one of the stools of the kitchen island, her forearms on the smoky gray surface, her fingers fiddling with one another, picking at a cuticle on one of them.
"They want me to start seeing a therapist." Brown eyes looked up at her then. "The precinct already has one set up for me to start going on Mondays, starting tomorrow. Dr. Lindstrom."
Alex stepped closer and leaned with her forearms on the same surface, just opposite her wife. "And how do you feel about that?"
Olivia smiled then, "Classic therapist question, right?" Her eyes returned to the skin on her left thumb and Alex watched as she began picking at it once more. "I don't know, Alex. But I do know I don't want to talk to a total stranger about what happened to me…" she looked up then, "…especially since I haven't even shared what happened to me with you…"
Alex nodded slowly, her eyes going to the brunette's hands, watching as her picking became even more pronounced, more aggressive.
Then Alex noticed it. On Olivia's palms. There were small reddish impressions in a row, right in the middle.
The brunette looked up then and caught Alex's focus before she quickly fisted her hands.
Alex looked at her wife then, into trepidatious cocoa orbs, a hint of embarrassment floating across them, but only for a moment.
Knowing she could rock the boat with the question she wanted to ask so desperately, she proceeded forth nonetheless.
"What happened, Liv?" The blonde's voice was soft, patient.
Olivia opened her hands then, and then studied her own skin, still angling them towards herself as if to shield them. "It's healing, Al…don't worry." She closed her hands again and returned her gaze to her wife.
Alex stepped closer then, to the right of the brunette, and reached forward, taking Olivia's hands into her own, the brunette's hands fisted again, palms facing up. "Let me see, Liv."
Alex watched her wife. Those chocolate eyes were so conflicted, so apprehensive, so defeated. The blonde let gentle thumbs slowly uncurl the other fingers to uncover her wife's palms. On each were four, crescent-shaped indentations that were raw, sore, a few still wet with fresh blood. A couple of them were healing. And they looked painful.
Alex felt her lower lip tremble then, still wanting to be strong for her wife. "When?" That was all she said.
And Olivia must have known what she meant because those beautiful, deep brown eyes began tearing as well, and Alex could see that she was ready to share a small sliver of information—a glimpse into her story.
"The night he took me…" Olivia whispered, "…he…uh…" Olivia sniffed then, "…he burned me and that's one of the things I did to help me…deal with the pain…"
Alex watched her wife, watched her struggle to recount just one of the things she experienced. Alex nodded slowly, feeling the moisture descend her nostrils, the tears begin down her cheeks, the lump in her throat.
"He burned me, Al…" Olivia looked at her, then, those sad, dark eyes scanned back and forth between her own, the pain in them almost unbearable, "…more than once. All over my body." Her face contorted then and she swallowed hard. "It hurt so bad…cigarettes…hot keys…but all I could think about…" she began sobbing then, her body racking with emotion.
And Alex moved into her, wrapping her arms around her and holding her tightly, the brunette returning the firm hold.
Olivia continued, "…was you and the kids and how badly I wanted to make it out of there and back to you."
Alex could feel her wife's body trembling beneath hers, her tremoring torso almost inconsolable, the gasps against her ear heartbreaking, her sudden whimpering almost hopeless.
Alex began rubbing her wife's back gently, the two rocking.
"Shhhh, Baby…I'm so sorry, Liv…" Alex soothed.
Her wife's body against her was one of the only things that could bring her peace in her life. And this moment was no exception. The warmth of her, the scent of her, the familiarity of her, and Alex suddenly felt overcome with the weight of this fact, as she fell further into the embrace and allowed her body to just meld with her wife's.
They stayed like that for a few moments, both just relishing in a sliver of sharing, even if it was only a modicum of information.
Alex felt Olivia take a deep breath against her, felt her face against her neck, felt the warmth of her exhale against her shoulder and upper neck and she continued to rub her back ever-so-slowly—up and then back down, up and then back down.
"I feel out of place, Al…in my home," she whimpered. "I don't understand it. I feel like a stranger here…like the kids don't know me, like you don't know me…I just…I can't explain it but that's the way I feel." Olivia sniffed.
Alex smiled and held her tighter, her wife was revealing a little more now, bit by bit, and it caused her hopes to soar once more. "I understand that you feel that way, Liv. I really do. And it's gonna take time for you to get back to yourself and feel comfortable, Babe. OK?"
Olivia nodded against her shoulder. "I know."
"It's gonna be harder before it gets easier…especially with the therapy, Liv. That's not gonna be easy."
Olivia's hold loosened then and then she pulled away, placing her hands below Alex's elbows to cup them. "I want you to know before the doctor, Al. After everything you and I have shared, after all we've been through in the past years, it doesn't seem right to me to spill everything to someone I don't even know without telling you first."
Alex only nodded, studying Olivia's expression—pleading, honest, real.
"Are you ready to listen, Babe?" Olivia's eyebrows raised slightly, her eyes beginning to tear once more.
Alex felt her face change then, her mouth contorted with emotion once more and she nodded fervently. "Of course, Liv…" she whispered, "…I will always be here to listen, to go through this healing with you, Babe." She smiled and cocked her head to the side, her lower lip trembling. "You and I are a team, Liv, and will always be a team. Right?"
Olivia only nodded, her tears now streaming down her face. She pulled the blonde into her arms again and they embraced and Alex felt her wife melt against her, felt her body relax, her soul take a deep breath.
The small sound of movement then and the ladies turned to find Grace rounding the corner of the banister and heading their way, thin pink night gown on, long blonde hair disheveled from sleep. She was dragging something and Isabel was holding up the tail end.
Alex began chuckling when she realized what it was. They had tied four or five animals and dolls together to form a chain and were, maybe walking them?
"Hey Babes. Whatcha got there?" Alex stepped toward their girls who were now proudly displaying their offering.
"Day are going to keep you safe and you can hug them and day make you happy!" Isabel beamed, throwing her hands in the air—her ensemble a mirror image of her twin's.
"Day are for you, Mama, Mommy. Izzie and me don't need them. We want you to have them." Grace's expression was serious as she nodded fervently. "OK?" Brown eyes looked back and forth between her mothers before her thumb slid into her mouth.
Alex and Olivia moved even closer then and looked at each other before Alex squatted.
"Who have we got here?" Alex asked.
"Dis, Mr. Monkey and Miss Daisy and dis is Snakey…" Isabel tried.
"Dat not Snakey!" Grace spouted. "Dat Sammy Snake!" Grace's scowl and increasingly pink face were more than endearing.
"OK, OK, guys." Alex looked up at Olivia who now had her arms folded, the brunette smiling at their daughters. "Remember, sometimes we have different names that other people call us?"
"Mmmm, hmmmm," the girls agreed, nodding.
"Well, so does this snake here…" Alex began taking the proffered animals into her arms.
Olivia grabbed the other end and they held them against their bodies.
"You sleep with dem?" Grace's expression was expectant.
"We'll sleep with them, Baby."
"You promise?" Isabel inquired.
Alex and Olivia looked at each other once more and smiled.
"We promise," Olivia answered.
Alex held her hand out to Grace and she took it. "Now, let's get back to bed so you can be ready for school tomorrow, OK?"
They all began walking down the hallway, Olivia holding Isabel's hand, and headed toward the staircase.
"You happy of da friends?" Isabel asked with her squeaky voice, looking up at Olivia.
"Very happy, Baby. Thank you."
"I love you, Mama!" Isabel beamed.
"And I love you, too, my Izzie." Olivia's voice trembled. "Very much."
Olivia took a deep breath as she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. She had showered and slipped her thin, white, jersey nightshirt on and had just brushed her teeth and her hair.
She was ready to let her wife in, let her know exactly what happened to her. This was an experience that she never thought would come. She and her wife had always been so physically free with each other, so unabashed when sharing their bodies that, keeping hidden, doing everything possible to avoid exposing her body to her wife seemed almost wrong.
She wanted to let Alex in. She wanted to allow her wife into her current world and wanted the freedom that came with it. No amount of therapy and talking and analyzing would take the place of being completely exposed and vulnerable to her wife.
And so, she looked at herself once more, took another deep breath, turned and flipped the lights witch off and opened the door.
Her eyes immediately went to Alex who was sitting propped up by pillows in bed, a book in her lap. Cerulean pools looked at her above the top of her reading material and she smiled.
Olivia moved to her own side of the bed and stood, watching as her wife closed the book and set it to her left on the night stand and removed her glasses. Then, she leaned back against the three pillows and the two looked at each other.
Then, Olivia slowly reached down to the hem of her gown and then lifted it upward—past her hips, past her belly, past her breasts—before removing it completely.
Her gaze moved back to her wife and she saw the blonde immediately emotional, lower lip trembling, her left hand going to cover her mouth, those amazingly blue eyes tearing.
Olivia couldn't help but feel the same sentiment as she felt her own eyes fill with tears. "I want you here for everything, Al. I want you in my world, Babe."
Alex nodded and then moved the covers off of her body and then kneeled on the bed, slowly crawling towards her on her knees. Olivia moved closer to the edge and let the tops of her upper thighs touch the mattress, watching Alex come closer still. Those clear blue eyes scanned her body, scanned her injuries, scanned her new imperfections, before returning to her own gaze.
Alex leaned forward then and kissed the thin, crosshatch-patterned cuts along her upper chest—the ones he had made with the broken meth pipe—and the blonde placed a gentle kiss on the inflamed skin that was now scabbing slightly from time and healing.
She pulled backward and moved into the brunette then, holding her arms out, and Olivia entered them without hesitation, the two embracing.
"You made it out, my love. You're alive. You will heal, Liv. You will recover from this, Babe. And I'm gonna be here with you every step of the way."
Olivia nodded against her wife, feeling the relief, a slight amount of her pent-up anxiety being released. "I know you will, Babe." Olivia closed her eyes and relished in the comfort against her, her wife's scent always able to do that. "But it feels like Mount Everest right now. And I've only just begun to climb."
"I know, my love." Alex took a deep breath and let it out.
"I feel like…like I'm not ready for this…"
"I know, Liv…"
"Theo asked me this morning why I'm so sad. I didn't know what to tell him. It was the first time I had no clue what to say to our son."
Alex nodded slowly. "I know..."
"I feel like…like I need some time, some space…something different or some different scenery so that I don't still see his face. I need something to give me new images, remind me of amazing memories. Somewhere…I don't know. I can't…I can't explain it…"
Alex pulled away then. "And you don't need to explain to me...I know that you need that, Liv." Blue eyes studied her then, thinking. "What about the beach house? What about going to therapy tomorrow and then driving out to the beach house for a couple of days? I could bring the kids next weekend?" Alex raised her eyebrows, a slight smile on her face. "Maybe by then you'll be ready for a little company?"
Olivia nodded. "That might be good. It'll give me a chance to start to clear my mind. Take in the sun and sand and have a little time to think…" Olivia's eyes went to her wife's mouth then, but only briefly, before returning.
"And you can come back any time."
"And I can come back any time, Al." Olivia smiled.
The two held each other once more and Olivia suddenly felt peace, a fraction of the weight being lifted, knowing that she had just peeled off another layer towards the process that was her healing.
A/N: Sorry it's been longer than usual. I've been sick with allergies and sinuses and have been slowly working on this. Unfortunately, a hot and heavy chapter won't be following, but you all got one on Halloween evening. Thank you for your patience and I hope this chapter was worth the wait. As always, I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter.
Sincerely,
Patricia