10. Life Is Short
I wasn't feeling much up to hunting but I wasn't going to let whatever depression this was that I was beginning to suffer through tamper with the lives of my friends and family especially my daughter. I was a wife now, a mother. I had responsibilities.
It was Jacob, Renesmee and I on this hunt along with Seth. I warned him that coming along with me might not be the best idea. I wasn't in the right mind. His response was that at least he wouldn't be in my mind. Running with Leah now was so much worse than it had been when Sam had broken her heart and when their dad had died. Seth was dealing too but like most things he always took things lightly and with a better attitude. Sometimes his endless optimism could be annoying. Right now it was a comfort.
Leah was back in La Push. Emily was helping her with funeral arrangements. I should've been doing that for Charlie but Carlisle had told me he had it covered. That was one less thing I had to worry about and for that I was grateful. I wasn't entirely sure if I could bring myself to deal with it. Would he want to be buried or cremated? What kind of clothes would he wear if he was buried? What kind of casket would be used? And what about the people of Forks- would we lie and say Charlie was off on vacation or would we tell them there was an accident. If there was an accident would I be the one to call Renee and tell her what happened or would someone else because she wouldn't know the real sound of my voice anymore?
There was too much room for thinking in this vampire mind of mine. I tried to focus at the task at hand. Renesmee was bouncing from tree to tree. She reminded me of those Spiderman movies I had seen but with hers there was much more grace and it actually looked beautiful.
"No fair Nessie," Seth said as Renesmee hung on a tree limb like I had seen Edward once do. "You know I can't jump that high."
Renesmee smiled at Uncle Seth.
Jacob and I stood back, Jake's hands in his pockets.
"So I've been thinking about what you said, about me going back to school." I looked over at my best friend and stayed silent. "I now see how right you were. And with Charlie and Sue…," he said not being able to finish that part of the sentence. "I realize just how important it is. You know life is short, it's real short and sometimes we don't have the chance to go back and fix things."
"Jake I didn't mean to-,"
Jake stopped me before I could continue. "No I know. It's just something I don't like to think about Bella. I mean it's cool that I'll live for eternity but none of my brothers will get that chance. One of our legends say that one of the shape shifters' lived three centuries before he found his imprint but in the end none of them lived forever, not really. Guess that makes me lucky and unlucky at the same time."
"Well you don't have to go through it alone. We're all here for you the same way you're here for us and for Renesmee."
Jake looked up at me and smiled that warm smile of his. "Thanks. Let me just ask you one thing Bella, how did you do it? You knew that by choosing immortality that you'd be giving up everything, all the people you know."
I looked over at Renesmee who was now on Seth's back.
"It was easy. I knew what I wanted. With Edward I knew that I could get through the hard stuff. And the fact that I wasn't giving up anything at all because I got my miracle."
"Renesmee?"
"I never planned on being a mom Jake. I was okay with giving up that kind of life if it meant having Edward but then she happened and my world got better. In a weird way it feels like she was part of the plan all along. And with her I'm more happier than I've ever been. She's completed my life."
From the corner of my eye I could see Jake look at Renesmee in the way one would look at a god.
"Come on," he said, "Let's go hunt some stinking carnivores."
That was the last thing he said before he phased. Jacob nudged Seth who put her on Jake's shoulders. Renesmee held onto his fur. Seth then backed up and made the phase as well.
Though I had been truthful in the words I told Jacob there was a part I held back from him, a part of me that felt as if a hole had been opened up in my chest much like it had back then. I knew I would have my family. I would have Edward. I would have my daughter but this hole in my chest felt heavy in a physical and mental sense. I wasn't quite sure how much longer I could hold onto the façade in being okay.
My trio looked back at me. I took a deep, unnecessary breath and smiled. One quick leap and was easily trailing after them.
Maybe a mountain lion would be good tonight. I needed the extra challenge from it.