Chapter 11

"Katniss?"

I'm still sitting on the cold tile floor of an empty hallway only occupied by Gale and the nervous mess I have become. I rest my head in my arms on my knees and don't look up to acknowledge him. Nope, I can't bear to look at his face of disappointment and concern for me, if only in my imagination. It will only add to my own disappointment.

"Katniss, you need to take a test. Find out for sure," he says in a stern but consoling way.

"I don't want to," I say into my arms. I don't want to know for sure. I just want to spend these last few moments of ignorance in peace.

"You need to," he says in the same concerned tone. "Maybe you're not pregnant. You could just be ill. We need to find out for sure so we can take care of it."

I lift my head slightly to find him squatting next to me. "Take care of it?" My voice comes out like a child's.

"I mean, if you're ill, you need medicine. But if you're… pregnant, then you have to make a plan of what you're going to do."

I can tell this odd for him to be talking about this with me, and it's no hike in the forest for me either. This scares me more than anything right now, and if feels like I can't even make the first move to face it. It's like being told to swim across and ocean when you have hydrophobia. I can swim, but I cannot have a baby.

"Katniss," he says more sternly. "Get up." I don't want to move, but Gale gives me his hand and shakes it when I don't take it. "Let me take you to get the test. We need to know for sure."

I lift my head. "Fine," I say, fear in my voice. I look straight into his eyes with all seriousness. "But you can't tell him. He can't know."

"Who, Peeta?" Gale asks and I nod my head. Gale gets that look when he's contemplating. He turns away from me to think and then looks back at me. "I won't say anything," he says softly," but you will have to, I mean if you are…"

"Okay," I say. I will feel a bit better if I can just figure this out on my own right now. I don't want to get Peeta involved unless I need to.

I take Gale's hand and he helps me up. As we walk to the Nut's hospital division, I realize this is most I've talked to him in years. How wonderful for our first real conversation to be about the possibility of me being knocked-up and right in a middle of nationwide mess.

When we reach the reception desk, Gale signs me in. He hands me a clip board with a sheet on it. "Fill this out, give it to this lady here, and they'll call you when the doctor's ready. I'm heading back to training and I'll tell Peeta that Vereges wanted you to help her with something."

"Alright," I say. "Thank you." Gale nods and walks away back to training.

I sit in plastic chair in the waiting area, rubbing my wedding ring nervously. I know Peeta should be here with me. It feels so wrong for him not to be, but I don't want him to know if it is uncertain. This could all possibly just a misinterpretation of symptoms.

But what if it's not?

A woman in normal clothing comes into reception area. A little boy, about four, hurries in after. What catches my attention is that she's not a soldier, clearly from her clothes, and she can't possibly take her child to the doctor here, since there is no pediatric in the Nut's hospital.

The little boy with green eyes and blonde hair spots me and looks at me with a tilted head. Why is he looking at me? Why do I not blend in with the background? Then I realize I must look as nervous and afraid as I feel. The boy continues to watch me, and it is making me feel weird.

What? I mouth. The boy shrugs, and guess when he sees my confused look he giggles. I look to the mother, but her attention is still with the receptionist. He giggles even more, and I'm seriously hoping he won't drive his mother's attention to me. I rather just not be noticed right now. I hold my finger to my lips in a shushing motion, and oddly the boy complies by putting a finger to his lips. He stops laughing, but still continues to watch me.

Finally, the mother stops talking to the receptionist and grabs the little boy's hand. They walk away into one of the hallways. I let out a long sigh and let the ring fall in my palm. Turn in the clipboard and go back to my seat. It's funny how he sort of reminded me of Annie's little boy, Finn.

Then I go back to the day Peeta and I visited her in District 13. Peeta was just so at ease with Finn, which is no surprise with how naturally he talks to others. But he seemed so sincerely happy playing Finn. He had that glint in his eye that I see once in a while.

"He must be good with kids," Annie says. "When this is all over, I'm sure he'll make a wonderful father."

No doubt… but this is not about giving Peeta a child, I tell myself. It's surviva,l and this is no time for having children. By the looks of it, it probably never will be. They'll never be safe. They'll always be in danger and I could not live with myself if I failed to protect them. No, it's better not bringing another life into this world while risking it being suddenly taken away.

But I may not have a choice right now.

"Katniss," calls the receptionist. "The doctor is ready to see you now."

I lift from my chair and follow the nurse that has appeared. She stops in front of a door and hands me a little container, asking for a urine sample. I take the little cup with shaking hands, but the nurse is too much in a rush to notice. After I have used the restroom, she takes it from me and I am taken to an empty room. The doctor appears and gives a friendly introduction. He begins to ask me questions about my health lately. The doctor is an old man, his hair whiter than any hair I ever saw. The dark eyes behind glasses look sincere, but he is so oblivious to what the results of this test will do to me. The doctor leaves the room to retrieve the data.

It isn't until I'm waiting for results of my test that the dangers of having a baby down on me. I mean truly down on me. I don't think I have been so scared in years.

"According to the results…" the elderly doctor enters and pauses while he reads the clipboard. My heart begins to beat rapidly and I'm trembling again. The doctor takes notice. "Are you alright?" he asks.

"I- I'm just… nervous. That's all," I say as solidly as I can. I try to put on a fake smile.

The doctor nods and looks to his clip board again. "Congratulations, you are pregnant."

No.

"There are no doctors specified in this sort of thing here, so I recommend…" The doctor babbles on and I can barely get myself to hear any of it. I only nod occasionally after he finishes a sentence, but my emotions are building up dangerously high, and I just want to get out of here.

"Thank you very much, I'll set up an appointment later," I say in a rush. "I- I need to get home." I walk out the room, and don't look back until I'm away from the hospital. Tears are threatening to fall, so I wipe my eyes and continue on until I am in same empty hallway Gale and I were in earlier. I realize that this isn't the best place for privacy, so I quickly make my way back to the room Peeta and I are staying in. Fortunately, nobody stops me and I make it there without being seen by anybody I know. I unlock the door, enter, shut it with a lock, and let myself slide down the wall to the floor. It's now safe to release all the sobs I was suppressing at the doctor's.

I know for certain I am pregnant, but I don't have a plan. I do not know how to take care of it. How can I plan for the inevitable moment of when my child is taken away from me? It's going to happen somehow, somewhere, at any time. This depresses my mood so much that I choose to stay in my curled up position in bed. Eventually I fall asleep.

…

"Katniss?"

I open my eyes and see Peeta just entering our room.

"I've been looking for you. You missed dinner."

"Oh, did I?" I say my throat feeling rough. "I'm not that hungry anyway."

He sits on the side of the bed and moves the hair away from my forehead. "Are you feeling sick?" he asks. He hands me a roll from his pocket.

I lift to a sitting position and take the roll. "Just a little nauseous," I say. I take bite of roll, because I still am hungry.

"Maybe you should see one of the doctors here."

"I did," I say quickly. " I… actually went today and it's nothing serious. It's only temporary." I am not completely lying to him. I finish the roll in a few more bites.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" he asks with a grin. He takes out an apple from this pocket and holds it out.

I take it and put a bite into it. "Thanks."

"No prob." He leans and kisses me on the forehead and then gets up. "I guess I'll get ready for bed." He walks off into the restroom.

Guilt overcomes me at the moment, and I'm battling with myself if it wise to tell Peeta now. I sort of want to tell him, but I wish I could just contain this mess myself. If something happens… he'll be devastated if he knew, but if I only knew I could save him the pain.

Peeta comes back, and I quickly get and get dressed into my sleeping attire like nothing is wrong. In the bathroom as I wash my face I look at my stomach in the mirror. A place my hand on the spot where our child is supposed to be. How long could I keep it a secret?

I get into bed with Peeta and he casually wraps an arm around me. I feel his steady beat in his chest and I begin to wonder if the baby has its own heart beating right now. This makes me feel worse as I imagine a heartbeat ceasing like it never started in the first place. My child's heart ceasing.

I don't want to cry again- it's the hormones- so I turn my head and kiss him on the jaw, hoping it will distract me from my inner turmoil. My eyes are squeezed shut to prevent tears, but I feel him return one on my cheek. His hand is moving hair from my face.

"Katniss?" he whispers. I decide I have to open my eyes. Hopefully he can't tell they're glistening from the dim light coming from outside.

"What is it?" I ask.

After seconds of just looking at each other he smiles. "Nothing. I just wanted to see your eyes."

"Why?" I ask confused.

"Because," he says. "As lovely as they are when you're sleeping, they're even more beautiful when they're like… this." He smiles again and this creates a small smile of my own.

"Mine? You've obviously never looked close enough in the mirror," I safe softly.

"Why thank you, but I much rather be looking into yours than mine," he says.

"Alright, shut yours and go to sleep." Although I don't want to sleep.

"What about…" he begins and then he presses lips to mine, and my eyes close. It's warm and gentle, and it lasts long enough for me to put my hands on his chests. I slowly break away, and then regret the loss of touch. Being lost in this with him is so much better than facing the reality that I'm stuck with.

I place a hand to his face and let myself lead this one. This time I let it go deeper and he returns it the same way. His hands are my back and it is so comforting and wonderful, that I try to make it last. But he parts this time and gives a small kiss on the nose.

"As much as I love being with you like this, we should go to sleep," he says almost disappointedly.

"Yeah," I say. "Big day tomorrow."

We go back to our original positions and I try to stray away from thoughts of how wrong it is for me to be keeping this secret from him.

The following morning we head to the Nut, same as always. I do pretty well of a job of forgetting what I was so worried up about. What was I worried about? The fact that I'm… No, don't remember. I could do so much better in training and work if I'm not thinking about it. This strategy would have been helpful three years ago, but back then there was a lot more to try to forget.

When Peeta and I are in storage, transferring boxes of cans to the kitchens, Johanna appears out of the blue. She begins to help us without a greeting and we both play along. It isn't until we finished loading boxes on carts that Johanna finally speaks.

"We've got a job," she says simply.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I overheard Verges talking over with some guy about possibly going to the Capitol with a team. To, you know, shut it down from the inside."

"Yes, I remember Verges telling us this at our last meeting, but they said it couldn't be done unless there was some sort of distraction."

"Well, they don't need a distraction anymore. They've got one."

"What is it?" asks Peeta.

"If I heard right, it's around election day."

"Isn't that a bit late?" says Peeta. "Rosalind could have the election by then, or she might try to get rid of Paylor."

"Well, this is what I heard, and using my logic I would reason that Rosalind wouldn't try to knock out Paylor," says Johanna. Peeta and I wait for her explanation. "If she did, everyone would know she's really a dictator. Nobody would choose her! Seriously guys, you're sometimes not as smart as you look."

"That's the reason why they're waiting until then?" Peeta asks.

"I don't know. I told you that's my reasoning. Not everyone is smart like Johanna," she says.

"Of course," he adds.

"I'm just telling you from what I know. They're planning something for that day and I'm pretty sure we're going to be a part of it. We'll finally stop those evil bastards." Johanna says.

I would have be glad to hear this news earlier, because it means we could put a stop to this organization's mess and I could find my sister. This exactly what I wanted, but it's too late to be happy. Because that little thing I tried to forget about is edging back into my mind, and it's difficult to ignore it. If I went on this, I would be going with… child.

"I don't know exactly when Verges plans to inform us on this, but God I hope it's soon. You guys keep quiet until then. I mean that's obvious, right? This is some secret shit going on here."

"Got it," says Peeta.

Johanna looks to me. "Yeah, not a word," I say.

"I'll leave you to your cans then," she says. "I got important stuff to do." She exits storage and Peeta and I are left to push the heavy carts to the kitchen . We don't speak about what was said, just to follow Johanna's instructions. Peeta asks about other things like how the weather must be like in Twelve and what our home must look like since our long absence.

I only nod and "yup" every few sentences to make sure he knows I'm listening.

"…Twelve must have the same climate as here. They're both near mountains," Peeta says. "I heard there's a going to be a snow storm tonight. You think there could be one in Twelve?"

"Maybe," I say.

"Yeah, let's hope Buttercup isn't caught in it and blown away," he says humorously.

I shrug, but I'm smiling.

…

My father goes to the little fireplace and picks the wood to move it toward the flame. I watch the flames a distance from my seat on the floor, because he won't let me get too close. The loud gust and whistling of the wind blows around our little house, and I see it rustling the trees outside like they're trying to shake off their limbs. Suddenly a limb snaps, causing a bang when it hits the fence outside. Little Prim cries out from the noise, and my mother wraps her tighter in her arms and comforts her before she starts to cry. I bring my knees close to me and tuck in my chin.

"It's just the wind, Katniss," my father informs me. "Nature is just taking its course, and soon it will end. It naturally does this, so we don't have to be afraid of it."

He smiles warmly at me, and I nod my head. He puts down the pick, hoists me up, and places me on his lap while he takes a seat next to Mother. I see Prim upset from the scary noises, and I take her little hand.

"It's okay Prim."

She watches me and only sniffles.

Another loud gust of wind blows. This one is so strong it breaks the window. The glass shatters and aims its own glass arrows at us. The wind blows into the house, surrounding us in frigid cold air that sting just like the glass.

I yell for it to stop… and then I wake up, sitting up in bed. My whole body is shivering and I realize I'm not in my house. I see Peeta is next to the only window our room, struggling to shut it. It must have opened during the night from the storm outside. He manages to shut it leaving the room with the lingering cold from the wind that got in.

"Are you okay?" he asks rushing to the side of my bed. "I woke up with the wind coming inside and went to shut it, and then you were yelling."

"I just woke up from a dream," I say. "The sudden wind startled me. That's all." I'm still shivering slightly, and Peeta doesn't take long to notice and wrap his arms around me. I wrap my arms around his upper back and let my head lay on his shoulder.

We spend the rest of the night tightly huddled to keep warm. The wind blows loudly against the glass of the window.

Nature is just taking its course, and soon it will end.

There's an important meeting with Verges and I have good idea what it's going to be about. Peeta and I walk along with Haymitch to the meeting, who decides to just sit in on it. Johanna told him about what she heard too, but he doubts he'll be able to go on this mission.

"Good morning!" Effie shouts good-naturedly.

"Hey Effie," says Peeta. He's the only one who returns a real greeting.

"Why Katniss, you don't look so well."

"Thanks Effie," I say sarcastically.

"We had a little trouble sleeping with the storm," says Peeta.

"Oh, I see," she says. "Well let's hope Verges' news puts you in a better mood." Effie's smile is foreshadowing, and I thought I knew what it was…

"You'll be going to the Capitol on election day," says Verges, "as yourselves. Victors."

My first thought is, how is this going to lighten mood?

"It appears, before the election, Rosalind is sending out invitations to a sort of conference for victors, those who she thinks are important, and her supporters. She wants to have a private conference with only these, in hope to share her ideas influence you."

"Sounds fishy," Haymitch says.

"Right, but she wants to appear like she isn't behind the murders, meaning she won't try anything forceful or violent. It will be televised, and I can assure you that each one of you will have your security."

"Why do you want us to go?" Johanna asks.

"She's releasing information not before released on her tour. She's inviting victors so she can persuade them to see how well she plans to rule. Hopefully become supporters. Which is not going to happen, but you could get some valuable information."

"When is this?" I ask.

"The day before elections."

I was sort of expecting some kind of disguised secret mission to blow up the organization. "What about the inside mission into the headquarters?"

"Oh yes," Verges says. "That we're sort of planning a few days before then. This will not affect your attendance of the conference for we are sending some soldiers. If all goes well, they shouldn't know of break-in until days after. Maybe even the day of the election."

"You have to let us join them," I say.

Verges raises an eyebrow. "Why is that?"

"You said you would allow us to go this mission as long as we concealed who we were. Just like in District 11." Maybe that wasn't the best thing to bring up.

"I also promised to keep you safe and this mission isn't necessary for you to go on."

"What? I've been waiting months for this!" Johanna says. "What is unnecessary is for you to keep us hidden away in here all the time. We've trained, we've passed our courses. I think we are completely able to go on this mission."

Verges gets her thinking look. She talks in a low voice to a man sitting beside her and he answers in the same way. She looks back at Johanna. "I'm considering it. There is a likely chance that you, Soldier Mellark, and Everdeen will be joined into the group, but," she says. "You understand what you are risking when you take up this task, right?"

"Yes, "Johanna says for all of us.

"Fine, you all can leave now. I'll have the official plan tomorrow morning."

Johanna turns and gives a slight nod in my and Peeta's direction. As we turn to leave I see Gale leaning against the back wall of the room. He looks at me suspiciously, and I have to remember that he's the only one who thinks I might be pregnant. I keep a straight face as I pass him, so maybe he'll think I'm not, and that I don't want to talk about it.

I'm seriously making things worse. What am I doing?

Jan 3, 2014

I'm sorry guys, it's been forever and probably doesn't matter much... though I appreciate those who have stayed with these 11 chapters, but the likelihood of this story continuing is... nuh. But hey, if anyone who would like to continue this story or use this theme in a HG fanfic, I am totally okay with. Go ahead and use the plot if you like where this is going. I won't be using it anymore.

Sorry again guys. Happy Reading!

- cheezebuns