Ooh, my lord. It's been over a month since this got updated. And I feel like this chapter is a little shorter than usual. I'm so sorry... But on a happier note, thank you to ChieLovesBleach (of course! Mello is nothing else BUT a ~fabulous badass :P), Death-Note-Fan01, Carottal, Trivia, TragicAtBest13, Imaginefun, Little-Blue-Tiger, SilverWingedRaven, EAP, Teenage-Vampire-Girl, and Kiku-Goldenflower for reviewing :D You guys made my day.
No, I don't own Death Note.
L's getting close to arriving now, huh...?
Oh yeah, and I hate to self-promote, but I'm running for IfYou'reReadingThisYouCanRead's Fan of the Month :D So y'all should go to ifyourereadingthisyoucanread . blogspot. com (no spaces) and vote for me! Or, if you think her answer was better, you should vote for SilverWingedRaven, the other fanfic-er running for it! Yeah!
3 Days Until L Arrives
How to Beat Near, Method #11
Stop him from sleeping
Attempt #1
It's been a whole day, and I haven't done anything to the gnat.
I ignored him at breakfast. I didn't speak to him during double sociology. I didn't even see him at break, at English, or at lunch. I acted perfectly normally all through history, answering questions and not disputing him on the answers to his. I did some homework after lessons finished. I even managed to get through dinner without dyeing his hair red using the pasta sauce. We parted ways and went to our seperate rooms afterwards. It's ten o' clock now, and the lights have just gone out.
All that nice stuff changes now, bitches.
Today's strategy was to lower his defences. You should've seen the looks the gnat kept giving me today, as though he thought I was about to leap onto a desk and announce my terrible plot on how to take over the world. As if I'd ever be that obvious.
Now, onto the plan.
Torch. Teddy that speaks when you squeeze its paw. Crowbar. Jar of ants. Okay. I think I'm good. I've got all that I need.
I suppose, if anyone's reading this, assuming that they're on the less Wammy's end of the intelligence scale, they'll be wondering why the holy hell I've got all this stuff.
Here's a nice little challenge for you: think about it.
...Sometimes, it's super-annoying when everyone else is about ten times more of a moron than you.
It's especially annoying considering that you, reader, are not even here, and if I have my way, will never be. I am writing these words to literally nobody, patronising nobody, and berating the intelligence levels of nobody.
God, I'm bored.
Anyway, off to Near's room. Yes, that's where I'm going. I'm going to keep him awake. Remember the other day, when I saw the bags under his eyes? Well, they gave me an idea.
It's been scientifically proven that sleep deprivation slows your brain functions. When you're tired, you're more stupid. Fact. Unless you're L, in which case you just don't sleep until you actually pass out, or whatever. But the gnat is not L. Not L. Not L at all. However 'number one' he might be, the gnat is not, and never will be, the world's greatest detective. So if he doesn't sleep for too long, he will become stupid. He's only human, after all.
I think.
Anyway.
First attempt at keeping the gnat awake. I crept across to Near's room and slowly, carefully, ever so precisely opened the door. Because Wammy's is about a million years old and the door felt like being particuarly unhelpful, it made a really loud creak.
"Mello, what are you doing in my room?"
"I'm not in your room, gnat, that's disgusting," I snapped back into the darkness. Because I wasn't. I was just really near the border between the hallway and his bedroom.
The gnat went silent, apparently thinking. Ew. "Mello. Why are you here?"
I dug my nails into the burgling sack that I slung over my shoulder to keep all of my... uh, items in. "How'd you know it was me?"
With a little frustrated sigh, Near answered, "When is it ever anyone else?"
For once in his pathetic blip of a life, the gnat's actually got a point.
Well, I wasn't counting on him actually hearing me come in. Still, my objective is to keep him awake, so as long as he's not asleep, all is well. "Tell me a bedtime story."
...Wait, what did I just say?
"A bedtime story." He's not asking a question, just making a statement. And a dry one at that. Dry, sarcastic, fucking annoying.
Oh, well. I'll go with it. "Are you deaf or something?" I asked roughly. "Yes, a bedtime story. Problem?"
"You actually believe that I have the emotional or imaginative capacity to tell you a bedtime story?"
"You actually believe that I want a bedtime story?"
"No, I believe that you have an ulterior motive."
"Well, good, 'cause I do."
"I know."
"You going to tell me a bedtime story or what?"
"Of course not."
"You're a bitch."
"As I've frequently been told."
"Fuck you!"
"No, thank you. Save that for your roommate."
I slammed the door.
Attempt #2
I left the gnat in a huff, got Matt ("MATT! NEAR'S HAVING AN EMOTION!" "You what?!" "I'm lying, but get up anyway!") and returned.
"I'm tired, Mello," Matt told me in a whiny whisper. I told him to shut up.
"You're never asleep this early anyway," I hissed.
"It's gone half twelve!"
"And you call yourself a gamer. Man up."
We got to the gnat's room to find that he'd locked the door.
"Well, that's just too bad," shrugged Matt, sounding suspiciously insincere as he turned around and made to walk away. I grabbed him by his collar and he made a funny choking noise.
"Not so fast," I said. I smirked.
Matt looked concerned.
Five minutes later, we were outside. In the dark. And the cold. I was scrambling up the same tree I had paintballed the gnat's window from over a week ago now, getting Matt to give me a leg-up and not quite wanting to admit that I had really wanted to use this crowbar. Getting out of the orphanage was surprisingly simple. This place has disturbingly little security.
Matt refused point-blank to scale the tree with me after the scared-of-heights incident last time, so he was frowning on the ground now, hugging himself against the cold.
"Why don't you go back inside?" I hissed down to him. Matt looked delighted for a moment, before I went on, "You can wait outside the gnat's door for me to come out!"
Theatrical, that boy is. Such a drama queen. Though it's not like I've got room to talk. "Fi-ine," he sighed long-sufferingly, flouncing around and heading back towards the house. I'm shocked that I didn't see the homosexual earlier. "You're lucky I love you."
Actually, I'm lucky it's dark. I'm way too pale, I swear.
Anywho...
It took quite a bit of effort for me to prise open the window using the crowbar, and when I finally did, there was a resounding snap and the window-frame split clean in two. I leapt backwards into the leaves, worried that the gnat had heard me, and peered out after a few moments.
I gulped. The window was open all right, but it was hanging precariously from just one hinge.
There was a scuffling from inside, and I thought I heard the gnat mutter something like, "What?" I held my breath and pressed myself into the tree again. There was a thick curtain shielding the night air from pervading the room, but any moment the gnat was going to open them...
Suddenly, there was a heavy crash from inside. I almost jumped out of my skin. Then I heard a voice: "Hey, Near, get out here, quick!"
People say that their hearts swell to twice their size when the person they love does something for them. Well, mine didn't do anything so sentimental or pretty, but my throat did seal up a little at that moment. I love Matt. He knows me so well.
There were the sounds of shuffling and an opening door. "What is it, Matt?"
"Um... uh... the ceiling just exploded!"
Quickly, quietly, I reached into my bag. My fingers closed on the teddy, and, pressing it's paw, I threw it as hard as I could into the gnat's room. The high-pitched, tinny sound of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme song started to play out. The best bit is that I'd tampered with the internal thingy in the teddy so it won't stop playing until it's literally destroyed. Ah, the joys of electronic manipulation.
"My Little Pony, My Little Pony... Ah-ah-ah-ah..."
That definitely caught the gnat's attention, though, and even Matt's not gonna be able to do anything about that. Good, because the idea is to keep him up.
Time for me to get out of here. I grabbed my bag.
Mello out!
Method #3
"Matt, you are frankly beautiful," I told him bluntly.
"My Little Pony... I used to wonder what friendship could be...!"
"Yeah, I know," he replied. I'd found him crouching behind a potted plant a little way across the landing. The singing teddy has already been thrown out of the gnat's room three times and I've chucked it back in every time. Near's starting to get annoyed - I can tell, I heard him sigh a little bit. "Can I go to bed now?"
"Don't be silly." I was outraged. "It's barely one o'clock. The night is young, Matty!"
"My Little Pony... Until you all shared its magic with me...!"
"The Matt is tired," Matt grumbled. He sighed. "Fine. What crazy are we pulling off now?"
"Keeping the gnat awake, duh," I whispered, crouching to join him in what I considered his vigil in front of the gnat's bedroom door. A few moments passed, in which the teddy was once again expelled from the room. I rose up and gave it a hard kick back in. The singing jarred a little but didn't cease. There was a long huff of frustration from the gnat.
"Will you kindly leave me alone, just for one night, Mello?"
"Big adventures, tons of fun! A beautiful heart, faithful and strong!"
I froze. He'd heard us! "Uh..." I made my voice go high-pitched. "Th-this isn't Mello! This is..." I cast about wildly. "Um, this is... Mellinda!"
There was an awkward silence, filled only with pony voices. ("Sharing kindness, it's an easy feat! And magic makes it all complete!") Then a couple of moments passed, and the awkward silence continued. I nudged Matt, who jumped.
"Oh- oh, yeah, and I'm... Matilda!" he nodded quickly, trying to make his voice squeaky and ending up sounding like he had in those hilarious few months when his voice was breaking.
I waited with bated breath. There was the sound of creaking bedsprings from inside the room. Was he buying it?
"You have my little ponies... Do you know you're all my very best friends...?"
Then there was a loud thud and an ominous crunch, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic died.
A second later, the fluffy and massacred remains of My Little Pony-bear joined us in the corner.
"Oh," I said, disappointed.
Matilda cracked up into silent giggles, for a reason I really can't fathom. Although his laugh is very girly, so maybe it would have made us more convincing.
"Okay," he said, when he'd calmed down. "Can we go back to bed now? Near's not going to be able to sleep without a window, it'll be freezing."
I was shocked. Not to mention immature, and he'd just said 'Can we go back to bed...' Silence, you filthy gutter of a mind. "What are you talking about, Matty- uh, Matilda? We can't give up now!"
Matilda's face was dubious now. "Mello..."
"Mellinda!" I reminded him in a hiss. "Now, come on! We can't discuss it here... to many witnesses!" With a furtive look around, I grabbed his arm, and Matilda and Mellinda fled before Near could open his bedroom door and politely tell us to fuck off.
Method #4
We were back at the tree again, to Matilda's evident dismay.
"I hate this tree," he grumbled. "It's always the tree."
"Shut up!" I told him, straddling the branch in front of the hole in the gnat's wall that used to be a window and reaching into my bag. Aha. There it is. Perfect.
Surprising how many ants you can find in the garden when you look hard enough.
I slipped down from the tree and grinned as I heard a stifled cry of surprise from the gnat's room. Seriously, this is the most emotional I've ever heard Near be, ever, in this one night. I'm so proud that I've managed to inflict that much pain on him.
Matilda was standing at the bottom of the tree looking bored. I smiled happily.
"You done?" he asked.
"Yes." I nodded, very much satisfied. "Now, Matilda... now we can go to sleep."