Author's Note:
Okay guys! So here we go, into the chapter that has the finality of Bill's plan: Crashing the Gala, and ruling Equestria-
Bill: Hehe, okay Snappy, let's not bore the readers to death! There are so many other ways for us to kill 'em!
Snappy: Please don't.
Bill: Oh, don't you worry your little dragon head, I'm not gonna. But I WILL answer their questions! Okay, let's see… (shuffles your review questions)
First up, That "Inactive" Afiction. Okay.
No, neither. Call us colleagues if ya must (though between you and me, I'm the greater of the two).
She's a fun, disembodied floating head. What's not to like?
There are a lot of triangles in the world. However, I can't give you an exact number because they're constantly being created or destroyed; a toddler might cut up a bunch of paper into triangles, but then that paper might be burned in the fires of Hell. So there is no exact number, but the triangles in Gravity Falls tend to stick...
For Meotherandom…
I'm NOT a Dorito. I only look like a dorito because I'm yellow. I could've been green, but then the leaf jokes would've been unbearable. But I suppose my flavor would be blood-soaked mold.
I only stalk the Pines. Your friend's just paranoid.
Ooh, great question! The answer is-
Snappy: Bill, no spoilers!
Bill: Oh you're no fun…
For Rayva…
Yes, I can see out of all triangles. However, your arm freckles aren't worth looking out of.
Okay, I really don't like any human "me". I look like a cross between Ghirahim from "The Legend of Zelda" and "Him" from the "Powerpuff Girls Z" (you know, the anime they based off of the original PPG?). I mean, both of them are crazy villains, but mixed together and given my name, well… Let's just say it ain't art.
Snappy: Bill, that's not very nice…
Bill: Be Quiet! Rayva has another question!
3. No. I can, but I won't. Because I don't have enough time to give her a nightmare each night.
For Ray… (whom I suspect might be Rayva in disguise)
I can see around the dreamcatcher, you know…
Yes, and we'd tie.
Tap-dancing MIXED with swing-dancing is pretty crazy.
For Dalek9…
First of all, that non-cannon me is NOT technically me, so I have no idea what is going through his mind. Probably the coma is a result of Snappy not wanting any character deaths because of the K+ rating.
Snappy: Yes, that pretty much is it.
2. She doesn't have quite the same powers as I, but personally I prefer Nightmare Moon.
Snappy: Of course you would.
Bill: What was that?
Snappy: Oh, nothing.
Bil: I thought so. Anyway…
3. The invention of BillDip is the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me.
For LillyFrostCipher…
I'm not sure if these were aimed for me, but I'll answer anyway.
The prism will work. It's not a jar, is it?
In a way, I believe the non-canon, pony me will indeed bind a princess…
I offer tea to Ford and Discord (ooh, rhymes! If someone makes a ship between those two called "Fordcord" or "Disford", I will personally spare their lives in the apocalypse). The ponies get pasta. This is basic logic.
For Slither:
The people who ship me with Pine Tree certainly are imaginative… but that's just putting it lightly. Really, the human creativity makes me shudder on ocaision.
Snappy: On how accurate they are, shipping you with Dipper?
Bill: What? No! I don't even remotely like that Pine Tree! Oh, he will burn to the ground at my hands in the end. Oh ho, just you wait…
2. I'll be the president of the U.S.A. And the world as well.
3. Possessing Alex for my AMA on Reddit.
Bill: Looks like we're done here! Thanks for agreeing to let me do this AMA, Snaps!
Snappy: Oh-Oh, is "agreeing" the word we're going for, here? And please, don't call me "Snaps". "Snappy" is already a nickname; I don't need another on top of that one.
Bill: Whatever, Snaps. Anyway… Reality is an illusion! The universe is a hologram! Buy gold… BYEEEEEEEEEE! (Disappears in a flash of light)
Snappy: Is he gone? … Good. Oh my gosh, he is ANNOYING in person…
In any case, this chapter will be fun and funny, and finally - finally - you get the return of the classic, deviously malicious, undeniably evil Bill! Woopwoop! I know lotsa ya have been readin' fics about a good-not-evil Bill, and that's awesome, epic, and incredibly original on the author's end (yay authors)! Buuuuut… I know you guys still like that good ole evil Bill a heck-a-lot too! So give it up for….
This Gala Was Either a Complete and Total Failure, or an Epic Success
(It Depends on Your Point of View)
(And Yes, This is a Rather Long Chapter Title)
Bill, like most ponies, was incredibly ecstatic about the Grand Galloping Gala, though of course his reasons to be excited were completely different from most ponies'. Buzzing about the shop, he could barely contain his massive amounts of energy, and burst into raucous laughter at random, alarming the few ponies at Bill's shop at this time. He could barely wait until he overthrew that silly Celestia. Oh, the only time he'd been anticipating something so much was when the Egyptians put the capstone on the first pyramid! And when the Illuminati were founded, and when ole Sixer agreed to his deals… Okay, so maybe he had been more excited, but this physical body could really express it better! He loved the pain from the constant smiling, and that made it all the better!
He had gone over the plan with Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper, handing them fake tickets that he'd photocopied from the real one he'd swiped from Rarity (Phyre had made him give it back) when she made the two twins their outfits. Bill told her that since he wasn't invited to the Gala, that she could not, in fact, make him an outfit. But he placated her by shoving Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper in her face and telling her to make them outfits that were bronze colored. He even showed her Galanty's prism for her to get the right idea.
Bill smiled and gave Secret Keeper the prism, and told her in a sweet voice, "If you drop that, it will be the last mistake you'll ever make. 'Kay?"
She nodded, surprisingly calm, and clipped it to her bronze hairpiece. The deadly prism looked just like an innocent accessory. Mystery Keeper whined, though.
"Why don't I get it?"
Bill patted him on the shoulder and placed a bronze top hat on his light grey mane. "Because Secret Keeper has a less chance of failing." Mystery Solver nodded his head, as if agreeing. Secret Keeper wasn't so convinced, though.
"Please remind me why you're not going instead?"
Bill chuckled as if she had told him a joke. "Because, even if I wear my cape, my wings'll never get past security."
"Oh, and I suppose our fake tickets will?"
"The guards will be looking for magically-copied tickets, not photocopied ones. That'll fool 'em. Nothing will go wrong, just so long as you do exactly. What. I. Say."
Secret Keeper could think of a hundred ways it could go wrong, but she knew Bill would have an answer to each of them. She wondered why in Equestria she and Mystery Keeper signed up for this crazy job. Oh well, revenge on Celestia and Luna would certainly be interesting…
Phyre had wanted to go to the Gala, but Bill foresaw the disastrous effect the trouble-prone phoenix would have, so he tried to make her stay at the shop. She wasn't having it, though, so Bill had reluctantly agreed to take her with him while he snuck into the castle. He figured if he could keep an eye on her, he could make her keep her beak out of trouble.
Finally, the time arrived for Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper to go to the Gala. In fact, it was five minutes after the beginning of the Gala, but Bill told the two that everypony invited were too snooty to show up the the Gala five minutes too late, even though the princesses kept the doors open for stragglers through the night. Five minutes late, no annoying wait. In line.
Bill clapped his hooves together, and Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper were teleported just outside the main doors. Bill longed for the ability to teleport himself inside, but the troublesome Princesses had a magical forcefield to keep out teleporters because… well, anyone who wanted to teleport inside probably wasn't invited. Bill would have to do the next best thing.
He placed Phyre upon his shoulder and teleported himself to the unused crystal mines underneath the castle (1). He and Phyre looked around at the multicolored crystals. "Oooh, pretty!" sighed Phyre as she stared at a bright pink one. Bill snorted.
"A bit too sparkly if you ask me," he said, squinting against the brightness of the crystals. He swept Phyre along as the two made their way through the crystal mines.
"If I'm right, then this place should have guards if we get too close to the castle entrance. However, I'm sure there are guards wandering around, too. Just what I need…" he said with a devious delight as a lone pegasus guard trotted by, the blank yet stoic expression on his face unwavering. Bill, wanting to save his magical powers, picked up a chunk of crystal to through at the guard. But as he looked back up, he saw that Phyre had already taken care of him, as he was unconscious on the ground with her hovering over him. "Oh, excellent use of the necklace!" Bill praised.
Phyre puffed up with pride. "Why, thank you! It was easy, really. All I did was-"
Bill shoved her aside, a rather annoyed expression on his face. "Okay, okay. Yeesh! As much as I like a little pride, don't get ahead of yourself."
He trotted off, and Phyre, more than a little hurt at his comments, followed.
They finally, finally got out of the mines. Well, almost. hey could see the starlight filtering in through the entrance near the castle, but two guards stood in front of it, looking even more blankly stoic than the last. Phyre prepared to use her necklace, But Bill grabbed her and ducked around the corner before the guards could see. In a hushed, enraged whisper, he hissed "Careful, careful, you bird-brain! The other guards stationed outside will see the flash of light from your necklace and come running! You could've jeopardized-" Bill took a deep breath. "Okay, okay, it's cool, it's. Cooool. Now," he continued in a much more civil tone, "I chuck some rocks at the two guards, and THEN you can use your necklace on those two outside. One… Two… Six Hundred Sixty-Six… Go!"
Before Phyre got a say in the matter or even object, Bill grabbed two rocks, dashed out from their hiding spot, and chucked them at the guards. The rocks almost comically missed, bouncing off the crystals behind the guards and careening away.
"You missed!" laughed the guards as they drew their swords and advanced on Bill. The yellow alicorn grinned.
"Forgive me if I'm being cliched, but did I?"
The two rocks zoomed back from the darkness and smacked the two guards on the head.
"What was that?" asked Phyre, back from dispatching the two guards outside.
"Just a little slapstick trick. Commonly used. Throw something, it misses and goes out of sight, the person you throw it at mocks you, you say some variant of 'Did I?' and whatever you threw comes back and hits them in the face. This is common sense. Now come on!"
He whisked past Phyre and outside, which was the top of the high cliff in which Canterlot Castle was built into. "Woah! This is high up!" said Phyre.
"Yes, yes, wonderful view. Now come on!" and with that, Bill hopped off the cliff, spread his wings, and glided down to one of the ballroom windows. Phyre flew down after him. She and Bill peered into the window of the ballroom and at the many posh guests.
"This is the right window…" murmured Bill. "And the right time…" he continued, staring at the clock on the far side of the room. "So the two should be right underneath… Ah-ha!" he exclaimed, looking down at Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper, the latter with her head held high so that Bill could easily break through the window to get Galanty's Prism on her hair piece.
And that's exactly what Bill did.
The guests screamed and scattered at the shattered glass, and Bill took the prism in his hooves. Phyre, who was knocked silly from crashing through a window, fell to the floor but was luckily recovered by Mystery Solver. "What is the meaning of this?" asked a commanding voice, and Bill looked through the terrified crowd to see the midnight-blue ruler of night.
"Oh, Princess Luna, pleasure to make your acquaintance," said Bill with a formal, yet mocking bow.
Understanding that she was being insulted, Luna rose in the air and said in the Royal Canterlot Voice, "THOU ART UNLUCKY THAT MY ELDER SISTER IS USING THE RESTROOM, AS I AM NOT AS FORGIVING AS SHE!"
Bill rubbed his ears. "Yow! Inside voice, please!"
"I SHALT NOT USE THE VOICE OF INSIDE-NESS! NOW PREPARE TO FACE THY DEMISE!" Luna charged her horn with dark blue energy, preparing to smite the foolish yellow unicorn (she did not notice his wings).
"Oh, no! Defeated at the hooves of Luna! Oh, 'tis a dark day indeed!" cried Bill in an overly-dramatic voice. As Luna's beam of energy reached him, however, he jumped up in the air and out of harm's way, his hummingbird wings buzzing almost as madly as his head. "Psych!" he cawed as Luna's angry face changed to one of surprise. Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing Princess Celestia.
"What is the meaning of th-" started Princess Celestia, before the panicked guests screamed and rushed out the doors, almost bowling over the surprised Sun Princess. Only six guests remained, and they looked up at Bill with surprise.
"You?" asked Twilight Sparkle.
"You?" screeched Rainbow Dash.
"Y-Y-You…?" stammered Fluttershy.
"You!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, good heavens! You?" said Rarity (it's impolite for ladies to shout).
"You…" said Applejack in a dark tone.
"Me!" said Bill in a jovial shout.
"Who is this?" questioned Celestia to the Mane Six. Luna nodded, wanting to know as well.
"This is Bill Cipher, the newest resident of Ponyville," explained Twilight. Bill waved and smiled.
"He appears to be some kind of criminal alicorn…" pondered Luna.
"Bill, what do you want?" Celestia asked, her calm tone hinting at the righteous rage within.
"Oh, you know, storm the castle, take over the crown, the usual," said Bill, straightening his tie.
"Permission to pound his face in?" Rainbow asked Celestia.
"Permission denied," replied the princess. Though she bent down and whispered "For now…"
Celestia straightened and said to Bill, "If, sir, what you say is true, then for the sake of Equestria, Luna, the Mane Six, and I must stop you."
Bill scoffed and glanced across the room, seeing where Mystery Solver, Secret Keeper, and Phyre were hidden under a table. "I highly doubt you can stop me," he said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.
"Thou shalt thinketh again!" exclaimed Luna, and coating her horn with magic, shot a beam of energy right at Bill's bowtie.
Bill snorted. "'thou' shalt not!" and with a flare of his powerful magic - which he had been saving up for just this occasion, mind you - Bill created a surge of force so powerful the it pushed Luna's magic straight back into her horn and pushed her away. She slammed into the far wall and crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap. "Well, that was certainly easy," said Bill, patting his hooves together as if brushing dirt off. "I expected it to be much more of a fight!"
Celestia flew up to his level and said in a cold, dark tone, "if it's a fight you want, then it is a fight you shall get. Nopony - and I mean nopony - Harms Luna." And Celestia began charging a golden beam of magic that even Bill, for all his power and arrogance, knew he could not counter.
Well, not with brute strength, that is.
"You mean, 'nopony except you'?" he asked, and Celestia, so shocked was she, that she stopped charging her magic.
"What… Do you mean?" she asked, her tone guarded, natural curiosity getting the better of even such an ancient and wise mare.
"Oh, you know," said Bill nonchalantly, "after you banished her to the moon for like, one-thousand years. I can read your thoughts, and deep down in Luna, she resents you for this. Oh she has tried to crush it, telling herself through her Tantabus that it is her fault and you were right to do so. But the Tantabus is gone, thanks to those six," said Bill pointing at the Mane Six below.
"What proof have you of this?" asked Celestia in a voice so soft Bill could hardly hear.
"Dear Celestia, surely your magic-sensing abilities tell you that the attack I did on Luna was a fear-based spell. It preys on one's innermost fears and brings them up in a nightmare. It wouldn't have worked so well if Luna didn't feel the way I told you she did."
Celestia looked down at her sister, whom she now knew was suffering from a nightmare so terrible. "Oh, Luna…" sighed Celestia, and turned back to face Bill.
But he was gone.
"Wha-" started Celestia.
"Behind you!" she heard from the Mane six below, and Celestia turned around.
"Big mistake," said Bill, "Never face a guy with a loaded soul-sucker," and shoved the odd bronze prism/soul-sucker in her face. For a moment, nothing happened and Celestia just stared at the soul-sucker in utter shock. But then the weblike patterns split, and strange bronze spider-leg tendrils wrapped around her face. "Oh, and I was lying. Luna doesn't feel all that, and that was just a normal attack I altered slightly to trick you into believing it preyed on emotions. She's still in a terrifying nightmare, though, if that's any consolation."
From the ground, the Mane Six collectively gasped as the prism wrapped around Celestia's body, encasing her in bronze. Bill caught her in his fiery magic before she could hit the ground.
"And now to deal with you six…" he said, turning to face them. "I'm thinking… death by table cloth-induced suffocation?" Bill laughed.
From behind sprang Bill's employees and his phoenix, using a table cloth as a net to… well, suffocate them. Twilight did the only thing she could think of to escape. She reached the magic deep within her, spread it to her friends, and teleported them away to the sound of Bill's insane laughter.
Author's Note:
So yep! Bye-bye Luna and Celestia! And it turns out that Galanty's prism is a soul-sucker! Oh, I feel kinda bad for Celestia, but what must be done must be done in order to move the plot along!
I'm not actually sure if the crystal cave-thingy in "Canterlot Wedding" or whatever that part two-er season-opener had at the "This day was going to be Perfect" song was a mine, but that's what that place looked like, so I'm going with mine. Please correct me if/because I'm wrong. Thank you! :)