A/N: This is based on the Simpsons episode "A Fish Called Selma", more specifically, the Dr. Zaius musical scene, some bits from the Oh, Streetcar! scene from the episode "A Streetcar Named Marge", and some songs borrowed from Disney's "The Lion King", especially the opening song. Oh, as for its Zulu opening, I'm NOT going to bother trying to translate or rewrite it to something else.
Rest in peace, Phil Hartman, the voice of Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure.
New York, home of the Statue of Liberty, the Times Square, Central Park, the Empire State Building, Broadway, and the former home of the infamous World Trade Center, destroyed during the terrible 911 terrorist attack! *phone rings* Hello? Uh-huh. Oh, I get it. Can't say that in a fanfiction? Mmm-hmm. People might get angry at us for mentioning 911? Mmm-hmm. I see. Yes sir. Goodbye sir. *phone replaced on cradle*
Ahem.
It seems that I still can't mention any 911 stuff on a fanfiction, even after A Better Love Story Than Twilight had ended.
While we're on the subject of New York, it makes me want to sing the "Theme from New York, New York" song, though granted I have already done that in A Better Love Story Than Twilight, but I just can't help myself!
Start spreading the news
I am leaving today
I want to be a part of it
New York, New York
These vagabond shoes
Are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it
New York, New York
I want to wake up in a city
That doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill
Top of the heap
These little town blues
Are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you
New York, New York
"Chief, I think the narrator's having too much fun with this." Penfold spoke to Danger Mouse who is piloting the Mark 4 in the starry skies of New York, both wearing black tuxedos.
I say, what is Danger Mouse, the world's greatest secret agent, and Penfold, the world's not-so-useless assistant doing in New York?
"We're going to see a Broadway." Penfold replied to the narrator. "Fifi gave us tickets to see this exciting Broadway musical called Stop the Planet of the Spiders, I Want to Get Off!"
"You mean she gave you a ticket?" Danger Mouse replied with a raised eyebrow. "Fifi needed me to do her a favor."
Penfold raised his eyebrows, getting a bit suspicious. "What kind of favor did she asked you to do?"
"If it's what you think it is, no it's not it." Danger Mouse replied. "You got to lay off those South Park and Family Guy episodes. This is a K+ rated fanfiction. Now hang on, I'm putting the Mark 4 down right now."
The wings of the Mark 4 retreat as the car lands and hits the pavement of the road in which it bounces a few times before pulling up to an available parking spot near a Broadway theater and Danger Mouse parks it. The could see a huge crowd of people wearing their best outfits, lined up to get inside the theater.
"Cor, who knew Broadway would be that popular." Penfold spoke.
Danger Mouse looks at Penfold funny as the duo got out of the car. "Penfold, you grew up in New York. How would you not know about Broadway?"
Penfold lowers his head. "Let's just say that Auntie Doreen thinks that Broadway and other show businesses are not good for a wealthy family like the Penfolds, and that it's a waste of time."
"She'll get over it eventually." Danger Mouse replied. "She's getting better since the whole wedding scheme done by your treacherous cousin Alexander."
"Ex-cousin, DM." Penfold corrects his friends as they enter the theater with other people. "My father disowned him when the wedding's called off, remember."
"Right." Danger Mouse noticed a female cat with beige fur, a beauty mark under her left eye and a curly bang that also hangs over her left eye, from a distance. She wore a long-sleeved striped shirt under a yellow bandanna, a pair of black leggings, a pair of white boots and a black beret wore on top of her head.
He looks at Penfold. "Look, Penfold. I told Fifi I'd meet up with her shortly to do her a favor."
"What will I do then while you're gone?" Penfold asked. "You're not going to miss the show, are you?"
"Penfold, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I'll be there where you're least suspected." Danger Mouse replied as he hugs Penfold before leaving him. "Enjoy the show."
Penfold watched as Danger Mouse meets up with the beige cat and then sees the two of them disappear into the crowd. Taking Danger Mouse's advice, Penfold went looking for his seat.
He couldn't believe that the theater would be packed. He was so lost in the crowd that he accidentally bumped into someone. It was a male crow who wore a teal tuxedo and is with a female crow with long brown hair and wore a simple pink, long-sleeved gown.
"Sorry."
"Eh, watch it a-next time!" The male crow yelled at Penfold as he turns to him, allowing Penfold to see his face.
Penfold gasped.
"Stiletto!" Penfold cried in shock at the male crow, Stiletto before turning to the female crow in confusion. "Er... who are you, m'am?"
"Fedora." the female crow, Fedora replied. "You might remember me from such fanfictions like A Better Love Story Than Twilight and chapter 38 of Tales From Norrisville."
"I'll keep that in mind." Penfold replied.
"Not a-word to ze Danger Mouse, Penfold." an angry Stiletto warns Penfold. "Got it?"
"Dully noted." Penfold replied nervously as he, Stiletto and Fedora find seats in the ever-so-large theater stage where everyone has already taken their seats.
Penfold scans the large room for any signs of Danger Mouse. He said he'll be here watching the show with him. He kept looking and looking, but he didn't see the one-eye mouse just as the curtains rolled up, indicating that the show's about to start.
"Oh ick!" Penfold cried as the noise died down.
"Quiet, Penfold." A female voice whispers to the hamster.
Penfold turns to his right and saw Jeopardy Mouse sitting next to him, wearing her lovely magenta gown. "Jeopardy Mouse?"
"It's starting." Jeopardy Mouse whispers back. "Quiet."
Coming up on stage was a familiar-looking box turtle who wore very large glasses that are quite larger than Penfold's, a red bowtie around his neck and the traditional narrator costume such a a black suit and a top hat. Behind the turtle was a cardboard cutout of a huge spaceship. He seems to be confined to a wheelchair as he began to sing.
Turtle Narrator: Long ago in 1972
Where the spaceship makes a depart
Four astronauts are in a deep slumber
While traveling to an unknown land
The turtle narrator exits stage left as he cardboard cutout of a spaceship turns around where the audience now see a cardboard cutout of an exotic, out-of-this-world land where they see spider actors doing their parts in the play as a new song plays and as the lighting of the stage makes it look it the scene is taking place early in the morning and giving the audience the illusion that the sun is rising.
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama
Ingonyama
Suyi Nquoba
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
The last line of the first verse kept repeating as the scenery grows brighter and the spider actors start acting like they're a group of strange citizens doing their daily routines in a faraway place while repeatedly chanting the last line of the first verse as the song continues.
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
The scene than changes from the spider citizens doing their daily routines to the scene where all the spiders gather round before the king of the spiders who is standing on a balcony of a castle prop.
Spider actors: It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
One of the spider actors, a female Himalayan jumping spider made her way through the spider crowd and approaches the spider king by climbing up the balcony. Both spiders embrace in a hug before the spider king retreats inside for a moment (actually the instrumental moment of the song) before coming out with the spider queen and the newborn spider.
The spider queen gives the Himalayan jumping spider the newborn spider and holds it up in the air for the spider citizens to see as a ray of light shines upon it while the song continues.
Spider actors: It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
The audience cheered when the opening song's over. Penfold finds himself cheering with the audience.
"Crikey, what an opening!" Penfold cried.
"That's just the beginning, Penfold." Jeopardy Mouse replied. "There's more coming."
He takes another look around the room, and yet Danger Mouse still hasn't showed up.
"I wonder what's keeping Danger Mouse." Penfold muttered.
Jeopardy Mouse turns to Penfold. "Probably went on another mission or something. I highly doubt he would enjoy Broadway if he could give it a chance."
Penfold said nothing as he watch the play continue. With or without Danger Mouse.
()()()()()
A few minutes have passed and Danger Mouse still hasn't come.
Where could he be? Penfold wondered as he shifts his focus into the play. It is now at a scene where a group of spider villagers, even the female Himalayan jumping spider from the opening is in the group, watched as two spider guards apprehend a mouse astronaut who looks exactly like Danger Mouse - the same fur color, the same eyepatch over the same eye, everything being identical to Danger Mouse.
Is it possible that this mouse actor is Danger Mouse?
"Help!" The third spider guard cried as he witnessed the mouse struggling to get himself free from the two spider guards apprehending him. "The mouse is about to escape!"
"Get your hands of me, you arachnid!" the mouse astronaut cried as he gets himself free.
The spiders gasped. Penfold gasped too.
The mouse astronaut's voice is exactly like Danger Mouse's own voice.
"He can talk!" One of the spider guards cried.
Crikey! It's Danger Mouse playing the lead! Penfold thought as he realizes that the role of the mouse astronaut is played by no other than Danger Mouse himself.
Spiders: He can talk!
He can talk!
He can talk!
He can talk!
He can talk!
He can talk!
Mouse Astronaut: I can sing!
"Ooh, help me, Dr. Spidus!" A female black-widow spider, dressed as a nurse clings onto the female Himalayan jumping spider who is now revealed to be Dr. Spidus as the song began to play.
Spiders: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Oh, Dr. Spidus!
Spider villager 1: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Mouse Astronaut: What's wrong with me?
Dr. Spidus: You crashed in our land.
Mouse Astronaut: Did I break any bones?
Dr. Spidus: Absolutely not!
The spider villagers circle around Dr. Spidus.
Spiders: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Oh, Dr. Spidus!
Spider villager 1: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Mouse Astronaut: Can I play the piano anymore?
Dr. Spidus: Of course you can.
Mouse Astronaut: Well, I couldn't before.
A piano has been rolled into the stage as the mouse astronaut plays the piano beautifully.
Spiders: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Oh, Dr. Spidus!
Spider villager 1: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Spiders: Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Dr. Spidus! Dr. Spidus!
Oh, Dr. Spidus!
"This play has everything." Penfold said happily. "I'm glad Danger Mouse is alright."
"Oh, I love legitimate theater." Stiletto also said happily.
()()()()()
A few scenes later, Penfold sees the scene where a female spider meets up with a blonde, female mouse only wearing what looks like a prehistoric bikini.
"What's the matter, mousey, are you lost?" The female spider asked the female mouse.
"I'm looking for the Weaver to fix the princess's gown." the female mouse replied.
It's Estella, DM's former crush! Penfold thought, realizing that the female mouse in this scene is played by Danger Mouse's former crush, Estella.
"My name is Nala Jane." the female mouse, now revealed to be named Nala Jane in the play replied as a slow song plays.
Nala Jane: I thought my life would be the Bare Necessities
A never-ending party...
Ha!
I'm a primitive rodent
Without a life.
()()()()()
Two to three scenes later, Penfold sees the scene where the mouse astronaut enters the royal spider palace to find the spider Princess Arachnia, only to find her mouse slave Nala Jane sweeping the floors instead.
"I'm here to see Princess Arachnia." the mouse astronaut said to Nala Jane.
"Come here, I wanna kiss you just once." Nala Jane replied to the mouse astronaut (Danger Mouse) in a seductive voice. "Softly and sweetly on your mouth."
The song began to play as the mouse astronaut walks towards the edge of the stage.
Mouse Astronaut: I am just a simple astronaut
No romance do I seek.
I just wanted a spaceship
To get back home on Earth very soon.
The mouse astronaut turns to Nala Jane briefly before continuing singing.
Mouse Astronaut: Will this bewitching rodent
Seduce this humble space mouse?
Oh what's an astronaut to... do?
When the song ends, Nala Jane pulls the mouse astronaut close to her as she kisses him.
"Woo-hoo!" The mouse astronaut cried in joy.
Penfold had to admit that that line, even if it was on the script or not, was a bit funny.
()()()()()
A couple of scenes later, Penfold now witnesses the scene where an evil scorpion (in which Penfold learns that his name was Jafar) is in his secret lair - the dark caves of the planet with only the green lights illuminating the caves where he is met with three cellar spiders whom Penfold learn that they're the bumbling comic reliefs of the villain, and another scorpion acting out as Jafar's right-hand scorpion (Penfold later learns that the scorpion's name is Tom)
"I never thought cellar spiders essential." The scorpion, Jafar spoke to Tom when the three cellar spiders aren't looking. "They're crude and unspeakably plain."
Tom looks at the cellar spiders with an evil grin on his face. "But maybe they've a glimmer of potential, if allied to you vision and brain."
"So how are we going to get the throne of Spiderland, Jafar?" One of the cellar spiders asked Jafar. "Kill King Parker, marry Princess Arachnia and then execute the mouse astronaut from another planet?"
Jafar grinned as the song began to start. Green smokes started coming out from under the floorboards. "Precisely."
Jafar: I know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as a rodent's backside
But thick as you are, pay attention
My words are a matter of pride.
It's clear from you vacant expression
The lights are not all on upstairs
But we're talking kings and successions.
Tom witnesses the three cellar spiders laughing.
Tom: Even you can't be caught unawares!
"Yikes!" the three cellar spiders shrieked.
Jafar: So prepare for a chance of a lifetime
Be prepared for sensational news
A shining new era
Is tiptoeing nearer
Cellar Spider 1: And where do we feature?
Tom: Just listen to teacher!
Jafar: I know it sounds sordid
But you'll be rewarded
When at last we are given our dues
And injustice deliciously squared
Be prepared!
"Yeah, be prepared! We'll be prepared!" One of the cellar spider cried. "For what?"
"For the death of the king!" Jafar replied.
"Why is he sick?" Another cellar spider asked as Jafar grabs him by the throat.
"No, fool. We're gonna kill him." Jafar corrects the cellar spider. "And the rodent too."
"Great idea! Who needs a king?" Another cellar spider cried happily as all three cellar spiders dance around in circles like idiots. "No king! No king! La, la, la, la, la, la!"
"Idiots!" Tom roared. "There will be a king!"
"But he said-" One of the cellar spiders didn't get a chance to finish his sentence when Jafar cuts him off.
"I will be king! Stick with me, and you'll never grow hungry again!"
"Hooray!" The three cellar spiders cheered. "Long live the king!"
"Long live the king!" Echoed an army of cellar spiders. "Long live the king!"
The army of cellar spiders marched in a similar manner of the German Nazis as the song continues.
Cellar Spiders: It's great that we'll soon be connected
With a king who'll be all-timed adored.
Jafar: Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected
To take certain duties on board
The future is littered with prizes
And though I'm the main addressee
The point that I must emphasize is
YOU WON'T CATCH A MOUSE WITHOUT ME!
So prepare for the coup of the century
(Cellar Spiders: Oooh!)
Be prepared for the sinister scam
(Cellar Spiders: Oooh... La! La! La!)
Meticulous planning
(Cellar Spiders: We'll have mice!)
Tenacity spanning
(Cellar Spiders: Lots of mice!)
Decades of denial
(Cellar Spiders: We repeat!)
Is simply why I'll
(Cellar Spiders: Endless mice!)
Be king, undisputed
(Cellar Spiders: Aaaaaaah...)
Respected, saluted
(Cellar Spiders: ... aaaaaaah...)
And seen for the wonder I am
(Cellar Spiders: ... aaaaaaah!)
Yes, my fangs and ambitions are bared
(Cellar Spiders: Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo)
Be prepared!
Cellar Spiders: Yes, our fangs and ambitions are bared
Jafar, Tom and Cellar Spiders: Be prepared!
The audience (and Penfold) applauded when the song's over and the curtains rolled down in order to get ready for the next scene.
"This play keeps getting better and better." Penfold cried happily.
"I wonder who's that handsome one-eyed mouse that played the lead." Jeopardy Mouse said.
Penfold knows the answer to that, but decided not to tell Jeopardy Mouse about it.
()()()()()
Finally, after a couple of scenes, a couple of songs and an exciting climax ending with the death of the villain Jafar and the spider Princess Arachnia ascending to the throne of Spiderland as its new queen, Penfold sees the ending of the play where the mouse astronaut is looking at the group of spider villagers, including Dr. Spidus, and a group of primitive mice, including Nala Jane.
Mouse Astronaut: I hate every spider I see
From Arach-A to Arach-Z,
No, you'll never make a spider out of me.
The spiders and the primitive mice pointed behind the mouse astronaut where he sees a cardboard cutout of the Statue of Liberty ascending from below the stage.
Mouse Astronaut: Oh my God! I was wrong!
It was Earth all along
You finally made a spider...
Spiders and Primitive Mice: Yes we finally made a spider...
Mouse Astronaut: Yes, you finally made a spider out of me!
(Spiders and Primitive Mice: Finally made a spider out of me!)
Dr. Spidus comforts the mouse astronaut by placing one of her eight limbs onto his shoulder. The mouse astronaut looks up to her in respond.
"I love you, Dr. Spidus!"
The audience applauded even more as the curtains rolled down and the song ends, indicating that the play is over.
"YAY!" Penfold cheered.
The curtains rolled up again to reveal the entire cast of Stop the Planet of the Spiders, I Want to Get Off! bowing down to the audience.
The turtle narrator from the opening went up in front of the cast and bowed down, despite being on a wheelchair. Within the audience, a familiar-looking male raccoon and a familiar-looking hippo stand up and applaud at the turtle narrator.
The entire cast let the mouse astronaut ascend forward and just his appearance alone made the audience applaud even louder. Even Jeopardy Mouse, Stiletto and Fedora were applauding to him even more.
This continued on until the curtains rolled down again as the audience start to leave the room. But not before the mouse astronaut gives Penfold a sad look.
()()()()()
Penfold waited for Danger Mouse at backstage after almost every cast members of the play have already left the building, including Estella.
When Jeopardy Mouse saw Penfold waiting backstage, her suspicions began to rise. Why would Penfold be waiting backstage? Unless...
"Chief!" Penfold cried as he saw Danger Mouse coming out from the dressing room.
Penfold ran up to Danger Mouse who went back to wearing his tuxedo from the beginning of this chapter. "Everybody was cheering for you, chief."
"Thanks, Penfold." Danger Mouse replied happily.
"Why didn't you tell me you were in the play?" Penfold asked.
"Penfold," Danger Mouse spoke as he and Penfold made their exit, not noticing Jeopardy Mouse still at backstage watching them. "This was the favor Fifi asked me to do. The actor that was originally going to play the lead quit at the last minute so that he can audition for the lead role in another expensive Hollywood movie, so Fifi asked me to take over his role as a last resort."
He lowers his head with guilt. "The reason I didn't tell you about it earlier was because I wanted it to be a surprise."
"You've already surprised me, Chief." Penfold replied. "Let's go home."
"You're right, Penfold." Danger Mouse replied. "I'm worn out from all of this."