Chapter Eleven

Desperate Times

Eileen

Last night as Erik held me I had the odd feeling that it might be for the last time. I feel silly for having such gloomy thoughts. The sun is shining, we are going to take a nice long companionable journey at the end of which Antoinette and Meg will be reunited with their loved one. It does my heart good to know that the house is filled with happy people. Well perhaps Erik isn't quite as happy as I would like for him to be and Helene is a bit edgy and avoiding speaking to me directly. Come to think of it she hasn't looked at me all morning.

"Helene, are you sure you would not like to come? There will be plenty of room and we could make a night of it by going on in to Paris to shop then return tomorrow night."

"Thank you, but no, I do believe I would prefer to stay and visit with James. I may even hint that I would like to stay to supper."

"Well if you are sure then I have to accept that you know best but please don't leave Erik to dine alone. It would be very rude."

I heard her sigh and then rudely she comments, "I am sure being alone is something he is used to and as for others I am sure being alone is preferable to being in his company."

"Shame on you Helene for bringing up Erik's woeful past in this way. If he were present I would give you a very stern dressing down. I ask so little of you but I will ask that you see to his comfort while I am gone and keep him company should he require having you present."

I am appalled when she jumps up and leaves the table without so much as a pardon. I am baffled by the tide of red rising into her cheeks and her abrupt exit. I know she has a bee in her bonnet about Erik but I did not think it would upset her this much just to have to entertain him should he ask for her company. Honestly it is doubtful he would ask. I do believe he prefers to avoid Helene as much as she likes to avoid him.

"Perhaps you should go after her Eileen. Maybe all is not as well as it seems with this James person." Antoinette's advice is welcome but in this I think I know best. Whatever is troubling Helene she will come to terms with it then seek me out to commiserate and examine whatever issue is bothering her. She likes to deal with things in her own way before asking for my advice. Ever since she has been a little girl she has been so independent and wanting to take on the world in her own way and in her own time.

I admire her for all her sterling qualities but it does make it hard for anyone to get close to her. She seems so self-sufficient that no one would guess she had been wounded so deeply by a man unworthy of her love or loyalty. Life has left her hard. I pray that she meets someone who has the patience and fortitude to break through all her barriers.

When it is time to leave Erik is playing in the music room. Antoinette has told me how he hates to be interrupted when composing. From the sounds coming through the door Erik is in a very passionate mood. Perhaps it is me who is his muse today and not Christine. I hope I am not becoming jealous or mean spirited. I do feel a little possessive of Erik and why shouldn't I? Although nothing has been said I know we are closer than most married couples. I may not love him as I did Henri but I am very fond of Erik. I believe he understands that. Everyone, even Erik himself says he is selfish but with me he is very giving and generous. Not in any monetary way but by giving of himself when I am in need of someone right now. Soon I will need to speak with everyone about what is happening but not now, not yet. I need more time with Erik as a normal woman. All too soon everything will change. Already it is getting much harder to climb the stairs. It takes me longer to weed a small patch in the garden when just a few years ago I could do half the garden and be ready to continue working.

I must stop feeling sorry for myself. Today is a day for merriment. We women are on an excursion and by God we will enjoy our day. It doesn't take long for us to board the carriage. For today we only have a driver and one footman. Waving goodbye to Helene I look up and see Erik has stepped out onto the balcony. At first I thought he meant to wave to me but then when I saw where his eyes were directed I knew he could not be looking at me as his eyes were cast in the direction of the stone steps where Helene stood. She must have sensed his close regard for she paused with her hand midair then looked up at him. Looking from one to the other I could not see their expressions but one would need to be blind to not see that something passed between them.

Settling back into the seat I let Antoinette and Meg carry the conversation. I nodded where appropriate and must have made the appropriate verbal responses as they did not seem to know my mind was not on our conversation but on the two people we left behind. Could all of their animosity be to cover how they really feel? Have I been blind? Erik has not acted as if he had grown tired of me or…no, Helene would not encroach on my relationship with Erik. If something had happened it was nothing planned or anything they continued to indulge. I would know if they had been together in any intimate way. A woman knows these things. Besides, Helene would not do to me what that rotten no good fiancée did to her.

After an hour or so we began to drowse. Now I could devote my full attention to the matter most worrying my mind at this moment. How would I feel if Erik feel in love with Helene? Oh I do fell jealousy there is no doubt about that but I am more jealous because she has more years left than I. I am not ready for my book to end and the last page to be turned. Erik has awoken the woman I used to be, the vibrant sexual being who enjoyed being a woman in the arms of her lover.

If I must give Erik over to someone I would much rather it be to Helene than to some stranger. Studying the pros and cons of the matter it becomes apparent that Erik and Helene are very well suited to one another. What quality one lacks the other has in abundance. They are two very strong individuals. Coming to the acceptance of this liaison, now I must plot how to make it happen. If I know Helene she will fight tooth and nail against any tender feelings she may be developing toward Erik. As for Erik he is not one to forgive easily some slight. This attraction is not something either of them can control but I do anticipate resistance on the part of both of them.

Knowing Erik will have someone to comfort him when…well it will ease the burden on my mind to know he will not be alone. Antoinette and Meg will not abandon him but they have their own lives to live and with Christine still part of their family it will be awkward to say the least to stay in contact with Erik. Erik will need someone as he grieves. If I could do this in any other way I would but I cannot simply go off into the sunset and fade away. I have responsibilities I must take care of. The first thing I shall do is change my will so it includes Erik. I want him to know I am in favor of any personal development in his relationship with Helene. Erik is not the only one who will need a shoulder to cry on and arms to enfold him when things seem to be at their darkest, Helene will need someone just as much as Erik does now and will continue to need someone for as long as his nightmares haunt him.

I don't ask what troubles him on those nights he cannot lie still and cries out in terror. Knowing how poorly he had been treated I assumed his dreams were filled with events from his past.

Two hours into our journey we stopped for tea and to freshen ourselves after riding in the carriage for so long. In another hour or so we would be arriving at Raoul's estate. I did not have the privilege of meeting his parents as they became patrons of the theatre after Henri had left or perhaps it had been at the same time. I do remember hearing wonderful things about him from Antoinette in her letters. I also remember how unsettled she had sounded about the developing romance between Raoul and Christine. She had approved of the match but had reservations. Now I know what, or rather who, those reservations concerned.

Pulling to a stop in front of an impressive courtyard complete with Greek statues, our footman has hardly lain the wooden step on the cobbled drive when Raoul and Christine come rushing toward us.

"Hurry ladies there is little time. We are about to be invaded. An army has marched on Paris and uprisings have been breaking out all over the city. Shelling has begun and can be heard all the way out here. Yesterday a group of people leaving Paris stopped for fresh water. They told us about the looting and people being dragged from their homes. It isn't safe for anyone of noble blood or wealth."

"Oh mama it has been horrible. Every moment we fear troops will come marching up to this very door. We have been packing and loading wagons with as much as we can carry. Raoul withdrew as much cash as he could but it won't be worth much once things come to a head. Raoul is very smart about this sort of thing. It was his idea to use the cash to buy as much jewelry and gold pieces as he could. Those will always have worth," Christine beamed proudly toward Raoul who smiled half-heartedly toward her. Anyone could see he felt strained about what had been happening.

Living so far from Paris and any large town we don't get much in the way of day to day happenings. Letters from friends and relatives are our best resource for news. It would seem in a few short weeks war had been declared by someone and all hell had broken loose.

"Ladies, if you would permit me, I would like to place you under my protection. We have plenty of provisions and a boat is waiting for us. We will be heading to England. With things being what they are we cannot leave from any of the major ports but a friend of mine from my days in the navy has a boat he uses to haul freight. It is not luxurious and the journey will not be easy but it will take us to safety."

"Raoul I do thank you for your offer but I could not leave, not without Helene and…Helene has stayed at home. I must go back and make certain she is safe." Turning to Antoinette I urged, "Antoinette you and Meg must go. We can find one another when things have calmed down. You know how these things are. Bluster and bombs then someone sees the sense of talking instead of shooting at anything that moves. When you are settled and if the mail is running please send me your address. If it is possible I will stay in my home. Even if I do find it necessary to leave I will come back. Don't worry about…just know we all will be safe. I promise to do my best to keep us all safe."

"Madame I don't wish to rush you but time is of the essence. We must leave here within the hour. We would already have gone had we not known of your imminent arrival. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you? We have food and fuel. If you think you might need them please just ask and it shall be done."

Impulsively I hugged him to me. He really was a sweet and generous boy and that is what he was, a boy. I can see now what attracted Christine to him. I knew they had been childhood companions and she had thought of him as a much more mature sweetheart but in fact he is as innocent as she is. Someone like Erik would have frightened her half to death with all those intense emotions he would have evoked in her. She likely did not even understand them.

"I must hurry back. Christine I am sorry we did not have time to become better acquainted. Antoinette will tell you all that has been going on. Please everyone take care and be safe." This I said as I stepped back up into the carriage. There was no time to wait for the horses to be refreshed. At some point we would have need to stop and rest but it would have to be on the road and not in the comfort of an inn. A few hours respite would all that could be spared if Raoul's predictions were to be believed and I saw no reason not to as he presenst himself to be of sound mind and honest intentions.

There would be so much to do once I returned home and so little time to do it. At any time we could be invaded or as in the past my own countrymen have been the marauders trying to take from those who have more. I am a charitable person and give to those less fortunate but I also will not make any excuses for being on a more sound financial footing than others. My parents were not born of noble lineage nor were Henri's. Our families came up the hard way, through hard work and sacrifice.

The journey back home was as tedious and awful as I imagined it would be. I worried in case something happened to everyone while I was gone. This mess could not have come at a worse time. Erik is just beginning to feel adjusted to living among others and with my illness advancing it is not a good time for me to go gadding about the country trying to outrun those who would harm me. Erik of course would protect me and Helene but still it is best not to place ourselves in danger if we need not do so.

If we have civil unrest there may not be a safe place for any of us to go. This sort of thing has happened throughout our history and the wealthy and titled are the first to go under the blade of the guillotine. Even giving the horses only a short rest and time to drink and graze we will still not make it home until the early hours of morning. If the mail had been running at a regular delivery time a letter may have come to warn us. The mail is one of the first things that ceases when there is unrest until the government takes things in hand. Communication is necessary for the wheels of civilization to run smoothly.

I am awoken from a deep sleep with a shout from the driver. We are coming to the gates of the estate. My neck and back hurt and feel very stiff. I am not as young as I would like to believe. It is not only the inside of my body that has chosen to betray me but the outer shell as well. It is too late now to wish I had accepted more of Helene's invitations to ride.

There is no time to stand on ceremony. Tossing instructions over my shoulder for new horses to be hitched to the carriage and a wagon be brought round, I fling the front door open and begin to wake the household with loud yells the like of which I have not used since I was a small child. I hear rustling and clanging coming from the servant's quarters and the kitchen. Cook will already be preparing breakfast and the other servants wouldn't have been far behind. It is better they lose a little sleep than their heads or something equally dreadful.

As soon as the maids come hurrying down the hall I inform them to begin gathering blankets, candles, sewing kits, and anything else one might need if one were to live in the wilds. Since none of us have lived anywhere but in civilized society it is hard to say which of us had the more confused look on our faces. I knew basically what would be needed but also knew that we might not find a place large enough to hold all we would need. I will give the servants the choice to come with us or head for their families homes. I will give them all we can spare without depleting much needed supplies. Things tend to get scarce whenever there is unrest.

Just as I have taken my gloves off and then begin untying my bonnet Helene comes hurrying down the stairs followed a few steps behind by Erik. Helene comes straight to me and grabs my arms then asks, "What is it? What has happened? Has there been an accident?" She pauses but only to take a short breath and to look around the foyer then continues, "Where is Antoinette and Meg? Has something happened to them?"

"If you would let her answer one question before you asked another perhaps we might be informed as to what has taken place," Erik's tone is one that is soothing yet commanding. I am amazed when Helene ducks her head and remains silent. I would have expected her to snipe at Erik. Something is not right but I haven't the time to figure it out right now.

"We made it to Raoul's and he informed us of an imminent invasion and unrest in Paris. Some army or other is headed this way and will be taking over the estates I would assume. He is taking everyone to safety. He advised me not to stay too long in France or at least not unless I can be assured of safety. I have instructed the servants to gather everything we might need to hold off a siege. The carriage and a wagon will be waiting out front just as soon as we can be ready."

"If we leave what will happen to everything, the horses and the other animals?" Now that Helene had shed her drowsiness from being awoken in the middle of the night she could better understand what I was saying and she could not keep the fear out of her voice.

"We will have to set them loose and hope they fair well on their own. We can't take them all. Soon feed will become scarce as well as our own food. We can only bring what will fit in the wagon and carriage. Everything else will have to be left to whoever lays claim to it first." I tried to sound as if I did not care about leaving all my precious things but I did. Henri and I had spent our married life collecting everything in our household that had not come from his family or mine. They were just things but every piece had a story from our life together.

"But where will we go? Wouldn't it be better to stay here and protect what we have? We could stay in the cellars if we are overrun. Running to God knows where is not the best idea Aunt Eileen."

"Helene, trust me, if I thought it wise to stay nothing could make me leave. We need to head into the mountains. I remember Henri had a cabin there but I don't really remember exactly where it is located. There is a small village nearby where we can inquire as to its whereabouts." Even saying it out loud did not convince me. This cabin was the only place I felt we could find shelter and be safe. It was so far up into the mountains as to be nearly inaccessible. Only those who knew of it would be able to find it. Besides, with spring still not yet here it will be snowy and cold still. Who would seek out such conditions to look for anyone? There were far better places to look for someone to loot than in the wilderness.

"Eileen I believe you are correct to say we must leave but might I suggest a better place to hide?"

"Oh and where would that be Monsieur Opera Ghost, L'Opéra Populaire?" Helene said facetiously.

"My, how intelligent you are to guess what I am proposing." Erik's own tone denoted he did not care for Helene's words or tone and judging by her expression she did not care for his either.

"You can't be serious. You mean to take us to a place that is now a pile of rubble? Has your insanity returned or did it never leave you? Do you not remember you set fire to the opera house and burned it to the ground? It is destroyed," she spat the last sentence out with anger and malice toward Erik.

"Mademoiselle I might caution you to keep your tone civil or I, as an insane person, might take exception to it and retaliate in a most unpleasant manner." Erik paused to give his threat time to sink in. I couldn't tell if he meant only to frighten her or if he might really do her some harm.

I felt it was time I stepped in-between them. Bickering amongst ourselves would solve nothing and could hamper us in our escape. Taking a step toward Erik I wrapped my hand around his arm to draw his attention then said, "Stop this sniping at one another. It serves no useful purpose. At the moment we need all our energies focused on our survival. We must work together if we are to stay safe. Now Erik please tell us what you have in mind."

Erik had not yet turned toward me. He and Helene were locked in a silent battle of wills as they stared at one another with fixed gazes. Whatever was between them would have to be put aside to be settled later. For now, we must concentrate on planning for what might be weeks of hiding while the country remained under siege from different factions. I waited to see who would break first, Erik or Helene.

The air crackled around us just as if some skirmish already started without a war being openly declared. Would both sides fight to the bitter end or would one or both see the sense in a temporary cease in the battle of wills?

I see some tense moments in our future. It is to be hoped we all survive.