Joseph, though reluctant to leave the staff so soon after returning, decided to take Rupert up on his offer. Though he didn't choose anywhere distant or overly expensive, he couldn't bring himself to accept that. Instead he decided to go to France, alone, and spend his birthday there taking in the sights.
If Clarisse objected she never said, in fact they hardly spoke to each other before he left. Only on matters of business, he didn't trust himself to be alone with her quite yet; of course he did his best to put on a united front to the surrounding world. The fact was whenever he caught her eye the sadness and isolation he found there broke his heart.
He'd left early one morning without a word to anyone, he needed the break… he needed the distance. He driven across the border by nightfall had located the tiny apartment he'd rented through a friend. He went to a local shop and purchased the essentials for his first evening there, he spent it sitting by the balcony listening to the sound of life below. A bottle of wine got him through til 2a.m. then he went to bed.
Clarisse remembered his mouth, she felt it on her in the night, felt him gently kissing her awake. In her dreams she could feel his hands on her body, his fingers trailing lightly over her skin… she turned over frustrated by the light, by the memory.
She never had been one to lounge about in bed in the morning; she was always up first, even on holiday. These days she could hardly find the energy to raise her spirits enough and face the day. Pierre was away, Philippe was miserable, she was enamoured with her bodyguard… with the head of security, she corrected herself. There were moments she wanted to break down on her knees in front of Rupert and confess it all, pledge to remain by his side as always but to share the guilt, to empty her chest of the constant aching there.
Rupert was ill; he was getting worse each week. She'd hoped it was another winter thing, a passing cold, but the warnings given by the Doctor didn't bode well. She did as she could, she filled in the gaps with Philippe concerning Parliament, she attended all the functions that Philippe couldn't, she was the seemingly matriarchal pillar of strength. In fact she was slowly falling apart.
Each way she turned she couldn't see a way clear and she wondered how she'd done it all these years… just how had she remained so strong and clear-headed in a crisis? How had she found the best in situations with no support, that was wrong, it wasn't that she hadn't had support it was that the support wasn't all encompassing – nobody had ever adored her the way Joseph had.
The bottom line was she was lonely without him, her days were busier than they'd ever been, she spent evenings comforting Rupert and yet she was lonelier now that she'd ever been…She missed him.
Joseph had spent the last five days getting to know the area, it hadn't taken him long to work out the best restaurant and bar and he'd ate there for the past two evenings. This evening was no different, he arrived at 7:00, he ate in silence in the corner of the room observing his fellow diners. He moved to the bar afterwards for a drink whilst the band played and that's when she approached him.
She was young though he couldn't place her age exactly, her name was Maria, she was funny and vibrant and smiled an awful lot. She held no attachments, she held no memories, her hair was long and thick and hung down her back in heavy curls. She played the piano, she drank beer. That was pretty much all he learnt about her, she didn't seem to want to share her life history and that suited him fine.
Maria was obviously used to this kind of behaviour and she was very skilled at handling the situation. Joe was led to her small apartment within minutes of leaving the bar together and found himself naked and in her bed within ten, he closed his mind to what it could mean and to the last female body he'd touched. She had no place here, this was purely physical, this was emptying his mind of her memory and replacing it with another.
He quickly took control of the situation, twisted himself over and lay the younger lady beneath him. Her ebony hair spread over the bed sheets, her thin figure slipped within his hands and her pale skin shone in the dusty light of the room. She tasted like apples, fresh and crisp. It hadn't been like this with Clarisse, this intense and fierce, he ground his body into hers as if his life depended on it. As if he had something to prove, as much to himself as to anybody else.
He handled the situation as any man might, he did everything right, he closed his eyes and allowed the sweetest of sensations to flow through his body. Then he lay on his back and watched as she changed their positions and took control of the moment, he watched as if he were a third party not at all involved in the act of sex but a casual observer. Because of course that's all it was, sex, and she'd agreed to that, as had he.
Two hours after he had entered the apartment and embarked upon this indiscretion he found this woman was actually holding him. He awoke, dreary and confused, his head clouded with the smells of bodies and the remnants of alcohol. He groaned and tried to turn but she held him, his head was on her stomach and she was rubbing his neck.
"Tell me, this woman you're in love with…" She whispered.
"Sorry!" he said confused, had he said something in his sleep, a stupid call out in a moment of passion. "What makes you think?"
"You did this for a reason, I'm thinking its to block out whoever it is you really want. Let me guess she's married and you can't have her so you fuck me instead."
This time he dragged himself from her arms and sat up on the edge of the bed. "You knew what this was."
"I did and believe me I'm not complaining, just offering an opinion."
"I'd rather you didn't, it's personal… it's complicated."
"It always is." She sighed pulling on her dressing gown. "Would you like some coffee?"
Joseph eyed her suspiciously.
"I'm not here to judge you believe me, it's just coffee, if you wanna talk fine, if not then thanks for a great time."
She was very matter-of-fact and it stung Joseph that a young woman could be so cold about what should be an act of intimacy between a couple. Then it struck him that he was just the same, or had been tonight.
Fastening his trousers and following her into the kitchen area with his shirt screwed up in his hand he watched as she tied her long dark hair up.
"I'm sorry." He said gently.
"No need to apologise, so tell me am I right, she's married?"
He nodded staring at the far wall behind her.
"Milk?"
"Black."
He slipped his shirt on and quickly fastened the buttons.
"Have you loved her for long?"
"Forever it seems." He said honestly taking one of the stools in front of the breakfast bar.
"And does she know?"
"Oh yes." He said too quickly.
She pushed the mug of coffee in front of him. "Need an aspirin."
"No, I'll be alright with a little fresh air, it's been a while since I drunk so much."
"I kinda guessed, does her husband know?"
"I sincerely hope not."
"We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, makes no difference to me."
"It's fine, just awkward, I've never told anybody. Apart from her of course."
"Is it returned."
"Yes… I think so," a deep breath then "Yes, yes she does."
"She won't leave her husband for you?"
"Not an option." He simply shook his head. "He's older than her, they're good friends, I mean…" he shrugged. "I'm not sure what I mean. It's gone on for far too long, we've danced around this for far too long. And I never know whether to stay and see it through and keep hoping that somehow… or if it's time for me to bow out gracefully and walk away."
"How do you mean?"
"I could move, I see her almost everyday, it isn't easy, I could disappear."
"How would she feel about that?"
"Honestly, I think I'd probably break her heart if I simply left now. I think it would tear her apart if she knew what I'd done here tonight."
"Guilt for sleeping with another woman when you're in love with a woman who is married… something seems a little out of sync there, some kind of screwed up situation."
"Indeed, but unavoidable."
"And can you honestly tell me here and now that you could live the rest of your life watching from afar and not engage in sexual relations with another more willing partner?"
He glanced at her suspiciously. "I guess… I'd have a damn good try if it meant one day… I certainly never envisioned my life turning out this way that's for sure."
He drained the last of his coffee and looked up and smiled at her. "Thank you, you didn't have to sit and listen to a old man's woes."
"I don't mind, you're am interesting man Joe, this woman… whoever she is, must be crazy!" She jumped down from her stool and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek.
"Thanks." He said weakly returning her embrace, it seemed odd to him that now she appeared so young, so innocent, the effects of the alcohol had definitely warn off. All that was left was guilt.
He left her flat, it was raining but he left his jacket off and walked back to his apartment in the freezing night air.
In another country a rather exhausted Clarisse was yet again woken in the middle of the night and called to her husband's room.
The darkened room was far too warm and smelt of medicine, she almost gagged as she securely tied her dressing gown and went to his bed.
"Leave us alone." Rupert waved the attendants away.
Clarisse sat down next to him and pressed a hand to his forehead.
"You'd be better off in hospital my dear." She said softly.
He caught her hand. "Don't fuss, I want to stay here, I want to die here like my father did and his…"
"Stop it Rupert, you're not dying, not yet." She squeezed his frail hand.
"I wanted you here to say…"
"Rupert don't."
"Listen to me, I know this hasn't always been easy on you, you had dreams…"
"Believe me, you've fulfilled many of those dreams, I couldn't ask for more."
"Clarisse darling…"
"No, stop this, stop these morbid thoughts."
He coughed and she helped him to sit up and handed him some water. "Will you allow me to call the Doctor in?"
"Will you stay with me tonight?"
She nodded smiling and running a hand through his hair. "Yes, I'll be right here."
She stood up and moved to the door to call the Doctor.
"Clarisse."
"Yes."
"No hospitals…"
She sighed yet nodded. "Alright, no hospitals."
She slept by him that night, well for the time she managed to sleep anyhow, for most of the night she was alone in the darkness with her thoughts. Clarisse was beginning to realise that her feelings for Joseph were simply not going to disappear or lessen over time and somehow they had to co-exist together.
If she was going to get through the rest of her life in this role, with these duties, she needed him with her. She needed him to keep his promise…