Chapter XI - That Kid Whose Hair Looks Like a Ducks Ass
"What?" I asked, blinking at the girl stupidly.
"Um, two people were-were here asking where you… uh, where you were. I told them that you would be here after school, and then they left. I, well, I thought I should tell you..." My classmate (Yamato? Kurosawa? Hatake? Fuck if I know) shuffled her feet and kept stealing glances at the host club behind me. It was Egyptian theme today, and so far Tamaki, Hunny, and Mori were the only ones decked out in full garb. I mean, I was too, but apparently my Cleopatra outfit didn't warrant the same attention.
Huff. I'm pretty too!
I leaned against my mop, the beads in my hair drifting in my face with a soft tinkling sound. "Well?" I demanded when she didn't continue. "You asked for their names, right?" The poor girl started to stutter and turn red, hands twisting together. I face palmed. "Dude, you could have just told an assassin my location and he's currently planning my imminent doom!" I reached out and shook her hard by the shoulders, yelling, "You just signed my death warrant!"
The twins stuck their head out of the changing room, bare chested except for a thick golden necklace. "We heard someone's dying."
"Oh, it's Audrey?"
"Never mind then."
I gave them my best glare and smirked in satisfaction when they ducked back behind the door. I turned back to my victim and sighed, releasing her poor shoulders. "Thanks for letting me know, Kurosaki."
"Um, it's Kurosawa." she stuttered.
Fuck. I knew it started with a k. "Yeah, I knew that." Quick! Make a cover! "I was just... testing you." Hmm… not my best work, but nobody was questioning it! I should really learn what my classmates names are... I do spend a majority of the day with them. She turned and fled, looking on the verge of tears. I cocked my head to the side, staring after her in open curiosity. Was I really that scary? I am American, hear me roar! Or should it be 'kaw', cause we aren't lions, but… eagles… yeah.
Let's stick with the roar.
Hunny trotted over, swinging Usa-chan by the ears. "Is someone coming to visit you?" He said sweetly. Oh Jesus, someone get this child a bag to put over his head. It's dangerous to look at him! He should at least put out a warning sign or something.
"An assassin," I told him seriously. Hunny gasped, as was appropriate for the situation. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him, giving him my best sad/terrified/hurt expression. "Hunny, you have to protect me! I'm too pretty to die!" I wailed, nuzzling his stomach. "I haven't even had my first kiss yet!"
At the same time Hunny gave me a salute and a 'yessir!', the rest of the host club gave a resounding "What?!"
I turned and blinked at them. "Wha?" I demanded when their accusing stares started to cause a physical itch. "So what? I'm a 17 year old heroine who hasn't had her first kiss yet. What's the big deal?"
Tamaki blinked very slowly. "It just... You..."
Haruhi interrupted, walking out of the changing room and adjusting her robes. "What Tamaki is trying to say is that because you seem so knowledgeable about that sort of..." (Here, her face turned an adorable pink hue) "- stuff, it would seem strange you have no experience."
I gave a huff and released Hunny, standing to my full height and crossing my arms. "I freely admit that I have a dirty mind and I am not ashamed."
"You should be," the twins said.
I ignored them. "And in any case, it's not like I've never kissed anyone before."
Hunny pulled on my sash. "But if you've never kissed anyone before, how can you have kissed someone?"
"Oh, I kissed my cousin." Dead silence. "Okay, I was like, five! And since we're blood, it doesn't count." More dead silence. "Oh, shut up." I grumbled, furiously dipping my mop in the yellow tub. I didn't need to clean to this extent, but I didn't have much else to do than serve drinks and look pretty.
Yes, I, Audrey Harp, have never been kissed. Shocker, no? And kissing my cousin does not count. That's like saying if I ate a cucumber, that means I've had a pickle. The world just doesn't work like that.
Regardless, I think those of the male gender are just… intimidated by me. I mean, I think I'm pretty approachable, but… well…
Okay, subject change.
The twins exited the changing room in identical costumes except for the color of their skirts/pants. Cloth was wrapped around their foreheads, keeping their hair out of their faces and showing off their gold eyes. They both had colorful sashes, similar to what the rest of us were wearing, were tied loosely around their hips, revealing their toned stomachs.
Changing subject! Changing subject!
I dragged the bucket on wheels away to the janitorial closet, humming as I went. I really should have been wary when I saw the host club gather together in a football huddle whispering and glancing at me conspicuously. Usually it's always directed towards Haruhi, and I'm involved in some way shape or form. So I really didn't think much of it.
Big mistake.
But that is for later!
My mysterious stalkers showed up about two hours later as I sauntered (yup, I was sauntering again) from table to table, delivering drinks and complementing the customers. By this point I was a freaking pro. I didn't even twitch when they mentioned their three day weekend in Fiji and how they hated going to London because its too rainy. Hell, when they complained how their 100 foot yacht was too crowded, I just… calmly set down their drinks. I could cry about the unfairness of life later.
And then, just as I was about to do something drastic to liven up the place (maybe I could slip on my cat costume again?), in strolled the hottest thing since the sun and his pink haired friend. I just about died of attractive male overdose.
Sakura waved at me, a grin lighting up her whole face. "Audrey! There you are." Sasuke nodded at me, a tiny (minuscule, barely there, but definitely there!) smile on his hot face. God, just looking at him... I could die a happy woman. And don't even get me started on his brother. Uchihas just pop out ridiculously good looking boys. It would be blasphemous for there to be an ugly Uchiha.
I gaped at them, almost dropping my tray. "Sasuke? Sakura? What are you-" I stopped and eyed them warily. "Wait a tic - You guys are my mysterious stalkers?"
"Nooooooo!"
Hunny ran to me and tackled my legs, bawling his little eyes out in true Host fashion. His fancy Egyptian ornaments jingled as he shook dramatically. "You can't kill Audrey-chan! She hasn't had her first kiss yet! She's too pretty! You can't have her!" Aww, did you read that? He called me pretty! Sasuke made a face and Sakura looked really confused.
"Kill you?" Sasuke asked, raising a brow at me. Insert nervous laughter here.
"You haven't had your first kiss?!" Trust Sakura to notice the important part of that statement.
I gently pried Hunny away from my legs. The host club peered at me and slowly began to gather like vultures, customers forgotten. They always knew when a good drama was about to unfold. Scratching my head sheepishly, I awkwardly explained. "Ah, someone came and said strangers were asking after me. I assumed it was the mob." I find it really funny that Sasuke nodded understandingly while Sakura looked flabbergasted.
Let us take a small moment to explain things. As I said earlier in our tale, Sasuke and Sakura are friends of Naruto, that kid I swapped lives with. A few days into my stay, they came over for dinner to meet me. Sakura immediately warmed up to me, annoyingly so. She constantly asked me about my clothes which, if you haven't noticed, I don't care for too much. Goodwill employee, remember?
Sasuke, on the other hand, barely said a word throughout dinner, just stared at me with those black eyes of his. First impression - really hot kid. Second impression - kinda creepy. Eventually I decided that annoying him seemed to be the best way to get a reaction out of him, and sure enough he would give my sassy remarks an equally smart reply. It went a little something like this -
"Mind passing me the potatoes, Sir Sourpuss?"
"They're a foot away from you, Madam Clueless."
"Ah, too right, Captain Obvious. Thank you so much."
"You're welcome, Sargent Sarcasm."
"Indeed, Comrade Comeback."
"Thank you, Senior Smartass."
"Anytime, Dictator Duckhead."
Yeah. The night ended with a lot of laughter on my part, and I managed to make him smile! Quite an accomplishment, if what Sakura said was anything to go by. So after school, the three of us would occasionally hang out and stuff. Hah, and stuff. Do with that what you will.
"Ah, Audrey," Tamaki said, sidling up to me and running a hand sexily through his hair.
Whoops. Did I put Tamaki and the word 'sexy' in the same sentence? My mistake.
I tried not to laugh out loud as he gave Sakura a dazzling smile. Poor thing didn't even stand a chance. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"
"No." I said bluntly. My gaze switched back to the duo, my short attention span still locked on them. "So why are you guys here?"
Sasuke was the one who spoke, surprisingly enough. "We walk by here on our way home all the time. Sakura thought-" Here, she elbowed him hard in the stomach. With a wince, he amended his statement. "- we thought you could walk back with us." He seemed thoroughly annoyed with this idea, glaring at the wall. Well, that or the thought of being stuck in my company. I ignored it and leapt forward with a happy squeal.
"Ah, Sasuke, I knew you couldn't resist my feminine charm," I cooed, smiling wide as the Cheshire Cat. The boy blinked at me, scowling, but his eyes were alight with humor.
"Yes," he drawled. "I'm sure that's it. I just can't stay away." If you took away his frowny face and the sarcasm... I just laughed and bumped my shoulder against his. He returned the gesture with a small smirk.
We had a unique relationship. It probably had something to do with the fact that I didn't actually like him. At least, not in the way all the other girls seemed to. And I totally could fall in love with him. Boy with stunning looks, tragic past, and a cold attitude just waiting to be defrosted? Sigh. But as of right now, I just found him really freaking attractive. Like, banana sundae with chocolate and sprinkles. Imagine the most… delicious thing ever, and that was him.
Hunny gave a wail and ran into Mori's waiting arms. "Audrey-Chan is going to abandon us!" He sobbed. Mori rolled his eyes, but I did experience a little heartbreak at the pair.
But I wasn't a heartless bitch for nothing. "Yeah, I can walk with you guys," I said with a grin. "But I gotta finish up with the club first. Which will be in about…?" I looked to Tamaki, wanting to ask when I could leave, only to find him sobbing quietly in a corner. I heaved a heavy sigh.
God.
I was dealing with children.
I knew this already.
Ugh.
With a heavy sigh, I grumbled, "Fine, I'll introduce you..."
The result was instantaneous. He jumped up faster than a rabbit. On some unspoken cue, I found myself between the two groups and wishing I was somewhere else.
I'm not sure if you guys do this, but I kinda… separate my friend groups. For example, the Host Club was exactly that - a club. On the other hand, Sasuke and Sakura I only saw occasionally, and usually outside of school. And I knew without a doubt that the two groups would clash. Hence my reluctance to introduce them.
I gave a hum and I walked as I pointed. "First up, the lovely Shadow king, Kyoya, the behind the scenes guy." He gave a small smile, dipping his head.
"A pleasure."
"Then we have Mitsukuni Haninozuka, designation Hunny." The little boy hugged his rabbit and stared adoringly at Sakura, giving a giggle. Poor girl didn't stand a chance. Hell, she might as well bury her own grave. I would loan her my shovel.
"His sidekick, Takashi Morinozuka, AKA Mori." The giant gave a hum.
"Our wonderful Haruhi fujioka." She gave a small bow and a 'nice to meet you'.
I stood between the twins and held up my arms. "Our twintastic doppelgängers, Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin."
"Sup," they said together, looking for all the world like they didn't care. They wrapped their arms around my shoulders and gave Sakura a pretty smile. "What a beautiful friend you got there, Audrey."
I shrugged them off and watched as they tumbled face first into the floor. "Anyway," I said, giving my brightest smile. "Moving on. This is Tamaki Suoh."
The king looked at me with a wobbly lower lip and tear filled eyes. I noticed with vauge amusement that Sasuke and Sakura took a few steps away from him. "What? You won't tell them all about Daddy and how wonderful he is and how much you love him?"
I smiled. "Sure!" I turned to the two high schoolers. "He's annoying."
Ah, there he goes. I ignored him as he floundered, wailing pathetically. "Host club, this is Sakura Haruno." The pinkette gave a shy wave. "And the devilishly handsome Sasuke Uchiha." He gave his usually monosyllabic response.
I clapped my hands. "There we go! All introduced! Now, lets go before-"
Kyoya gave a hum. "Uchiha, she said? I believe I've heard of you. You wouldn't happen to go to Konoha Academy, would you?"
Sasuke looked him up and down and gave a sniff. "Yeah. What of it?"
Cue lightning flashing in the background.
"Ya know what? I think we'll just… take off… now…" I drawled, smiling pleasantly before tugging on the Uchiha's arm. "Let's go, sunshine." He glared at me. "Or not. I'm going to go change."
So I did.
Probably wasn't a smart move, considering I could feel the tension between the Host men and Sasuke. They probably felt threatened because they weren't the hottest thing in the room anymore. As I pulled my shirt dress thing over my head, I could only imagine them battling it out like ninjas.
Pfft. Ninjas.
When I was dressed in my black tights, super long shirt that I was using as a dress, comfy oversized sweater, and knee high boots, I took a moment to play with my hair in front of the mirror, making faces as I did so. I'm vain. So sue me.
I kicked open the door with a quiet 'ha!'. "Okay guys, lets-"
"You know she doesn't even like you!"
"It's us she doesn't like? Audrey doesn't even bring you up in conversation."
"We've known Audrey-Chan longest! Right, Takashi?"
"We practically greeted her when she came off the plane!"
I froze as the two suddenly aggravated groups turned to me. "Audrey! Tell them!" They shouted, pointing at each other.
God dammit. This was such a shojo manga.
Ugh.
That is all.
Review Responses
xxrxuxtxyx; EEK long reviews c: you beautiful person you. Hopefully this is up to par, considering its taking the place of the physical exam chapter. This will probably take up another chapter, maybe two, then I'll go to the twins fight chapter/episode.
White Aura Dragon; Hunny loves his Audrey. Considering they are about the same age, or around there. My ages kinda vary - Haruhi is 15, Twins/Tamaki/Kyoya are 16, Mori and Hunny are 17. And if you wanna know more about those stories, let me know and I'll send you a PM with the summaries c:
Kitsune232; -basks in your praise- I'm glad you like it! I hope this one is alright too c: I'm kinda iffy on it, but then again I'm iffy on all my chapters. Because I have the self esteem of the last pickle in the pickle jar. Which means I have no self esteem, what is self esteem ha ha… ha… yeah. ANYWHO, yes, let me know! Ranka and Audrey will get on fabulously, and I will leave it at that.
Shadow Fox 2013; All the Panic ^^ Panic is good. Hope this chapter is awesome as well!
skyfire101; I hope it was hilarious! I hope this one is funny as well. I try and keep things humorous and not too serious, you know? Let me know if I succeed!
don't-even-ask1; fksdlajfsdk I earned it oh my gosh okay I hope I don't do anything to unearn it. Hmm… begging… should I get my Loki cosplay? Here is your update c:
TDI-Ryro-Eclares; Audrey told me to inform you… well, in her exact words - "No one gives a shit what the fox says. He says what he wants. He makes animal foxy noises. Leave the poor guy alone." I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Kso12; ah yes. Jungle Pool. That's gonna be fun. Especially since Hunny's kick ass self gets to beat up some bad guys and then they start to grovel. Audrey's going to have fun with that.
Extended Experience; -showers with turtle burgers- Yes, turtle burgers. Thats what you get for having that avatar. But yes, please let me know what you think on this one!
newtb00; EEK thank you so much oh my gosh all your reviews made me so happy! I hope you continue to review and I shall try and keep it… good. Yeah. THANKS
tamakisparkles; I think your compliment just sent Audrey into a coma. She has this issue where she has a super low self esteem but somehow thinks simultaneously that she's better than everyone else. And if you wanna strap me down to a chair, It better be with some furry handcuffs. I don't want my wrists to chaff.
GIR3c; Ahh I agree! I shall try and bring Haruhi into the story a bit more c: She's not really frustrated with Audrey, she just more puts up with all her crazy shit. They are friends. I'll try harder to show it!
SmolderingBlackRose; hee hee as long as it's Crowley you can send all the demons you want. But regardless, here is your chapter! Hope it satisfies your Just Call It Intuition craving.
I hope getting all these threats to post the next chapter are a good thing. I hope. Yeah. Anyway, as I said last chapter (I think I said it, anyway) I'm participating in NaNoWriMo so my updates will probably be nonexistent. I'll try, but no promises! And during this november month, lets try for 100 reviews, okay?
Or else.
…
Yeah, I don't threaten very well, do I? Maybe you guys could give me some lessons.
Anywho, love you all!
Calloniel