Chapter Eleven

Sucking in her breath Beth slowly lifted Daryl's arm from where it lay heavy across her stomach. As slowly as possible she eased off of the worn blue couch and onto the carpeted floor, softly placing Daryl's arm back onto the couch that filled over half of the space in the pharmacy's tiny employee break room. Soundlessly rising to her feet she carefully stepped around the table that took up the remaining space of the room and slipped out of the door and into the blackness of the chilly storeroom.

Claps of thunder could still be heard from outside as well as the patter of rain on the ceiling but the storm seemed to be reaching its last legs. Thunderstorms used to be Beth's favorite type of weather and a small part of her wished that she could be outside watching the lightening streak across the turbulent sky. The feeling of rain running down her skin would be a welcome relief as well. One never got truly clean using soap and bottled water, or the baby wipes that they had found in the pharmacy earlier that afternoon. The thought of being completely clean seemed like such an impossible task now that Beth could honestly not believe that she ever used to complain when her family had used up all of the hot water. Even a cold shower would be heavenly these days.

Having memorized the layout of where she needed to go earlier that night Beth placed her hand on the wall to her left and tiptoed the four feet to the only other door on that wall. As she eased it shut behind her she let out a sigh of relief that Daryl had not woken up. She would have felt pleased with herself for not waking up the lightest sleeper she had ever met were she not so nauseously worried. Flicking on her small flashlight she bent to wiggle the small cardboard box out of the cupboard under the sink where she had wedged it earlier. The moment that Daryl had put his arm around her when they lay down to sleep she had been grateful for the foresight to remove the box from her waistband where she had shoved it upon finding it.

The moment she had seen the small blue box on the cluttered pharmacy shelves she felt her whole being freeze in both terror and understanding. At this point she felt like the contents of the box were merely a formality. The second she had laid eyes on it she had started to count off all the signs she knew of and she could honestly not believe that it had taken her so long to realize what should have been obvious weeks ago.

Holding the flashlight between her teeth she read the instructions on the back silently before opening the cardboard flap with shaking fingers. The small white stick looked so harmless in her hands that Beth was almost fooled into thinking that this wasn't going to be as bad as she anticipated, that maybe she really did just have a flu or a stomach virus like Daryl thought.

Not wanting to take the risk she did as the instructions told her and peed on the stick, a whole level of awkwardness she had never felt before even though she was alone in the dark and dank smelling bathroom. Despite the dirt and disrepair of the bathroom Beth wished she could always have one on hand. However, it was surprisingly easy how quickly one got used to urinating in the woods.

As she stood and re-buttoned her jeans she sat the test carefully on the edge of the sink and flipped off the flashlight. There was no need to drain the batteries and, honestly, she'd rather not look at that stick again until she absolutely had to. Her mind was frantic enough already without the aid of a visual.

Leaning back against the cold bathroom wall part of her desperately wanted Daryl to be there with her for this agonizing wait but a larger part of her thought that this was going to be bad enough without him worrying along with her. Beth herself had mixed enough feelings on this. She did not know what she wanted the test to say, she knew what she thought the test would say, but she did not know how she actually felt. Her mind and emotions had been in such an insane whirlwind since she had found the test that she couldn't pinpoint a single one.

Beth found her thoughts inexplicably being drawn to Judith and she sank down the wall to crouch on her hunches, burying her head in her hands. Thinking of Judith was almost as bad as thinking about Maggie, actually Beth thought that it might even be worse. She knew her sister was tough, she was certainly tougher than Beth could ever dream of being. Maggie made it out of the prison, that was something she was slowly beginning to think of as a fact. Thinking that of course didn't make it any easier for her because it often led to her thinking that something bad had happened to her sister after she got out of the prison. It was the only reason she could think of for them not finding her, for not finding anyone. They had all run into some danger that Beth and Daryl had somehow managed to avoid.

But Beth knew in her heart that somehow Maggie got out, whether or not she was with Glenn Beth wasn't to sure of. The last she knew of Glenn he was inside of A block and he was so sick that she honestly didn't know what she thought could have happened to him. She hoped that he was still alive and that Maggie and him were together. But if she or Glenn couldn't be with Maggie than Beth just hoped that she wasn't out there somewhere alone.

There were other people that Beth was sure had survived of course. For a long time after they hadn't immediately found anyone from the prison alive she hadn't been able to believe that anyone else had survived for very long on the other side of the fences. But as time passed and as the distance from their memories grew Beth slowly began to find hope in herself that others were alive.

She knew that Tyresse would have made it out, Sasha too. They were both tough and both of them had been on the road before. Beth hoped they were together but at the very least she was content with the assurance in herself that they were alive.

Michonne, if she had managed to get away from the Governor's people, she was still alive. She was the toughest person Beth had ever met, even tougher than Daryl although Beth would never admit to that to his face. If there was someone who could survive out there in this world it was her.

Those were the only four people that Beth honestly believed had made it out unhurt. She had seen Rick in his fight with the Governor, she hadn't seen the ending though so for all she knew Rick had died in the prison. While she hoped with everything she had that he had survived Beth honestly felt that him dying there would be strangely fitting. It was because of Rick that they had made the prison a home and it made sense that he would die when it did. And if he died there, he would be with Lori.

And her father.

Beth took a deep breath and leaned her head back against the wall. It had been so long since she had let herself truly think about her father. The pain of his loss, of watching him die so brutally, still haunted her everyday. It had been slowly getting easier, Daryl had a way of making her focus on the present rather than drown in the past. The pain never truly went away though, it just ebbed.

Thinking of Rick made her think of Carl. She hoped he made it out too but she didn't think he could have made it on his own. As tough as he was he was still a child. Carl needed someone to help him protect himself. Beth tore her thoughts from him, that still hurt to much too.

Beth wondered if she would ever be able to remember the happy memories she had at the prison without being haunted by ghosts and 'what ifs.' She stared unseeingly though the darkness as she counted off the time in her head. She still had two minutes to wait for the test results.

Her thoughts kept shoving the one face to her mind that she truly did not think she could deal with. Not here, alone, waiting for the results of a pregnancy test in the dark.

No matter what she tried to think of though her brain refused to corporate with her and the memory of Judith hit her like a bullet train, knocking the breath out of her chest and causing her to rock back on her heels. Beth shut her eyes tight as tears swarmed her vision.

Thinking of Judith was so painful it was close to the pain of thinking of her father. Beth had tried so hard to find Judith, to find any of the kids before she fled with Daryl but she had failed. She was always the one who took care of Judith the most, she loved her as if she really was her own daughter as so many of the newcomers always first expected. Beth was supposed to protect her and she had failed.

The guilt was always the worst part, the real reason why she couldn't even stand to say her name out loud. Her father's death was tragic and awful but no one's fault but the man who had butchered him. But Judith, to put it in Daryl's terms, that was on her.

Was she really about to bring another child into this horrible world when she had already cost one baby her life?

Beth let out a quiet sob before shoving her fist in her mouth. The last thing she needed was for Daryl to wake up and find her before she saw the results. Shaking her head at herself angrily she ran her fingers under her eyes to brush off the few stubborn tears that had managed to escape and pushed herself shakily to her feet. With trembling fingers she ran her hands through her hair before stepping froward and grabbing the plastic stick off of the counter. Holding her breath she flipped the flashlight back on, the high beam filling the room suddenly. Beth blinked spots out of her eyes as the bright beam of light hurt her vision. As her eyes adjusted Beth took a deep breath and managed to talk herself into looking down at the results she now held in her hand.

She blinked in surprise as she comprehended just exactly what the test was telling her. As she stared at the pregnancy test her breath left her lungs slowly and she was finally able to put a word to what she had been feeling, longing.