AN: Oh boy guys…so my computer sucks. It's true. The monitor is slowly dying. It keeps flashing to a white screen and then…that's it. That is why I'm typing what I wrote in class hurriedly…because I may not be on again for two weeks. I can HOPE Best Buy will call it a lost cause and just replace the monitor right away but I doubt it. If there's a huge break, sadly, that's why.

On a happier note…I finished my research paper! Just like an hour ago actually. Finally. My last choir concert is tomorrow and I have homework but I MUST get this chapter out. Enjoy!

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Chapter 11: Trust

I feel totally alone and abandoned. True, Mello hadn't abandoned me at all. If anything I was the one abandoning him.

I was trying to keep a distance from him. Not a large distance of course, but I was trying to avoid unneeded physical contact. It felt strange. I'd never noticed how often we were touching until we weren't anymore.

I didn't lay my head on his shoulder when I was tired. I didn't curl up against him at night, although I could at least blame that on the rising temperatures summer brought. I didn't really like it, but because that girl accused Mello and me of being together, he'd be looking for signs hat we acted like we were together. I had to eliminate any signs, because then Mello would figure it out. And when Mello figured it out, everything would get messed up.

It would be so much worse if he figured it out on his own without me telling him. He would not only be disgusted, he would be angry that I didn't trust him.

And I did trust Mello, I really did. I trusted him with my life. I trusted him with my feelings, but to put that much of my trust out there…to risk the loss of the only person I cared about…

I don't know if I trust him that much.

I don't trust myself, because honestly I don't know what I would do if I lost Mello.

"Hey Matt!" Mello caught my wrist to stop me from my trek down the hall and I instantly pulled away. He blinked at me in surprise and I cleared my throat, quickly trying to erase the silence.

"Um…what do you need?"

Mello kind of stared for a moment then shook his head slightly. "Um…could you come to our room? I have a question about some homework."

I didn't believe him at first, but it turns out he really was asking me about homework.

"I have a project in my organized crime class and I realized something while on the FBI website. Many different Mafia families are on the list, but not the Mexican Mafia. The Mexican Mafia may not be on the same scale as the Italian Mafia, but it's definitely international," he was saying.

"What's your point?" I asked.

"What if the FBI is working on something with the Mexican Mafia now?"

"…And why are you telling me this?"

He sat next to me on the bed and smiled. I shifted away, uncomfortable with the strange smile he was giving me. "Do you think you could maybe…hack the FBI?"

I just stared at him. He couldn't be serious. There was no way he could be serious. Hack the FBI? That was ludicrous. That was ridiculous. His expression never wavered.

"Oh my God you're serious!" I exclaimed finally.

"Well of course I'm serious," he said. "What made you think otherwise?"

"I…you…I can't…do you know how long and how much work that could take?!" I sputtered finally.

"But you'll do it, right Matty?" he asked. "It would really help me out. Please?"

Damn him. He knew I couldn't resist him anything. "It could take a while," I warned. His smile broke into a full grin and he leaped at me, pulling me into a strong embrace.

"Thank you Matt." I didn't move to hug him back, but I didn't pull away, figuring that would be even weirder. Besides, Mello was so warm. I never wanted him to let go. "Matt?" I dimly registered his voice and blinked, looking up at him. "Are you okay?" he asked. "You've been acting weird lately."

"Weird?" I asked. "How so?" I shifted on the bed nervously.

"I don't know…" he said slowly. "Just weird. Different."

"I'm fine," I tried to reassure him.

He just watched me for a few moments then finally shrugged. "If you say so." His stance said differently though. Just like when he met, he knew something was off. He knew something was wrong. The silence stretched on for an uncomfortably long time before we finally separated and continued on our separate paths.

Things continued to get more awkward. Even Mello must have felt it by now. Despite my best efforts, tension seemed to be rising between us. If I thought physical contact would help, I would try it. Unfortunately all it did was cause more awkward moments. I savored every touch with him now, and I think he noticed. This was not helping me hide my feelings at all. Mello also seemed more on edge and frustrated. Even if I still wanted to confess, I wouldn't do it now when something was obviously bothering him.

"Hey," he said, tossing his books on the desk and sitting down.

"Hey. How were classes?" I asked.

"Boring. Yours?"

"Same."

"…Did you get homework?"

"Some," I said. "You?"

"Yeah. I should probably do it, I have a test tomorrow too."

"Okay."

Silence.

That was how most of our conversations went now; nothing meaningful. Our statements were punctuated by awkward silences. We had never needed placeholders before, but we were using them enough now to make up for it. I wasn't used to having such useless conversations, but they were at least safe.

I was trying so hard to keep everything safe. The stress, the tension, it was killing me. It was slowly breaking me down, pulling me apart. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle this. Was this how it was going to be forever?

Mello was still always by my side, but it felt like a distance was growing, and I couldn't stop it. It was like in a RPG when you have to pick options. It's always very obvious, one option is going to bring the pair closer together, and the other is going to create distance. Distance is always the safer option because the person will still join your party and be a good fighter, but you miss a lot of the storyline you could have gotten. If you get closer to the person it causes more in-game drama, always, and at some point always breaks everything apart.

I don't want this distance to grow. I don't want him to be some side character in my life. Every time I get the courage to tell him though, terrible 'what if's' run through my head, and I just can't.

I know I'm a coward. I know I'm being selfish. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I wasn't afraid to just say what I feel.

Honestly I don't think I can go on like this. I don't think I can hide it much longer. I've tried to avoid him more, but every touch is like Heaven. Every time I'm near him my heartbeat increases. He's all I think about anymore. He's all I care about. This is the worst it has been yet. I'm so zoned in on where he is at all times. The daydreams are rampant now. I can't help but imagine him kissing me, him holding me, him saying he loves me as more than his best friend. That he wants to spend his whole life with me.

It's so painful to try and pretend this doesn't exist.

What's worse is I think Mello is finally being perceptive about this, probably because of that girl. He never paid this close attention to us before.

I was sitting in our room, playing my DS when the door opened. There was a pause, then the sound of it closing, and then footsteps. Mello stopped in front of me and I looked up at him. He looked determined, and I slowly looked down at my game, saved, and closed it.

"Matt, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to play dumb. He barely let me finish the sentence.

"I'm sick of that bullshit! There's something going on and I want to know what!" Mello snapped.

I closed my eyes briefly, sighing slightly and looking back up at him. How did I handle this? How could I answer him?

"There's nothing going on," I said finally.

He growled and turned away, pacing the room a moment before returning to me. "Why have you been acting so strange lately?" he asked. "You never used to shy away from contact, but now you flinch if I'm near you. Did I do something?"

I shook my head vehemently. "No Mello, it isn't like that. It's not like I'm afraid of you."

"Prove it." He reached forward suddenly, one hand tilting my chin towards him, the other on my shoulder. He was close, very close. It was almost like he was going to kiss me. My cheeks felt warm and I could only pray he wouldn't be able to tell I was blushing.

His hand was warm against my skin. His hand was also soft, his touch gentle. This could all be so perfect. Why couldn't it just be perfect?

Mello was watching me and I slowly came out of my daze from memorizing the feel of his hand against my cheek. That awkward tension began to form again and Mello appeared to be studying me. He looked confused, like he couldn't figure something out, and now he was the one who looked uncomfortable. Finally he backed up and just stared at me.

"I don't understand Matt," he admitted. "What's wrong? I know something is bothering you. I can see the way you're watching me, trying to gauge my reactions. I just don't know why, and why all of a sudden? Why don't you want me near you anymore? I thought you trusted me, why would you keep something from me?"

Ouch, that one hurt. It just reinforced everything. If I trusted Mello, why couldn't I trust him with this? Why couldn't I trust him not to hurt me, not to hate me?

But I had trusted people before. I had trusted my parents early on, and in school I had trusted in the good of people that maybe I could find a friend. None of it happened. None of it worked out. But I had trusted Mello for so long.

So why couldn't I trust him with this?

I opened my mouth, prepared to tell him, but the words stuck in my throat. I could see it in his eyes, this was my last chance. If I didn't say it now, if I didn't answer, something was going to be broken. Everything would get messed up if I didn't tell him. I could just see it in his expression, in his body language. He was giving me one more chance to trust him with what was bothering me.

I opened my mouth again, but the sound would not come. The words didn't emerge. I closed my mouth and just looked at him, and he shook his head disappointedly.

"Mello please," I managed, voice weak. He turned away and I stood, catching his arm, no longer frightened of the contact. I was only desperate to stop him. "Mello please don't do this." I don't know what I was begging him not to do, but I could tell it was bad. This entire situation was very bad.

He just pulled away and gave me a quick look, and so much was infused in that one glance. Anger, betrayal, disappointment. I swear I felt something break in me.

I hadn't answered. I hadn't trusted him.

Mello turned and walked back out the door, closing it behind him.

"Mello no," I whispered as the door closed. "Mello…I love you."

But he was already gone.

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AN: I know it's short compared to other chapters but honestly the chapter feels kind of perfect to me. All that needed to happen, from a building tension to the confrontation, happened, and it's done in time for you to get an update until my computer gets back.

Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. GA has reached 200 reviews and I'm so happy. Four chapters left now I think? Things have heated up, tune in to see how everything ends. Matt said it out loud to a closed door, can he say it to Mello? And what is Mello going to do now that this trust has been broken?