I hadn't realised I had fallen asleep until I smelled someone cooking. I looked around and noticed the chair Ray had fallen asleep in was now empty. I made my way to the kitchen. I saw Ray standing, cooking. "Thanks, Ray."

"For what?" He didn't turn around.

"For staying with me last night. I know that chair isn't the most comfortable and…"

This time he turned around. "It's alright. The important thing is how are you doing?"

"Cold. Tired. A little dizzy, but other than that, I'm okay." I sat in a chair. Ray fascinated me. He had this ability to understand people that few people got to see. I know I never did. At least not until he found out about my disorder.

He put a small helping of eggs and bacon in front of me. "At least eat a couple bites." He said in response to my look. I shrugged and took one bite of the bacon and felt my stomach and throat immediately refuse it. He sat across from me and held a bowl up to my chin. "In case you refuse it." He grinned.

I couldn't help but smile. He had this way of making me feel better about things. "I don't think I could eat anymore." I placed the strip down.

"It's my cooking, isn't it? I know I can't really cook, but honestly, Neela, it can't be that bad, can it?" He feigned hurt.

I laughed softly. "Well, if you can't cook and you're the best cook in this house, then what does that say about me?" I intently looked at him. "A couple days ago, you were going to say something about a battle you fought. What was it?"

He shifted in his seat and looked extremely uncomfortable. "I…uh…Jesus, Neela. I don't know."

"Ray, you know the darkest secret in my life."

He simply smiled. "That's what friends are for, Neela."

I sighed. "Yes, that's what friends are for, Ray. So, what's your secret? The one…"

His smile faded. "It's not easy for me to talk about. And besides, it's a glorious day outside and I refuse to darken it by revealing my deep dark secret." His smile returned and he nearly bounded into the kitchen.

I shook my head. I had known Ray a long time and had never seen him stay down when he was. He just always bounded back as though nothing happened and with me the only thing that kept bounding back was my food.

"Coffee?" He poured himself a cup. I shook my head. "You're missing out, Neela. I did an exact duplicate of Morris's coffee." He laughed.

"In that case, I'm sure I don't want any." I weakly laughed. I knew I was weak, both physically and emotionally, but I didn't want anyone other than Ray to know. "How do you do it, Ray?"

"Do what?" He handed me a cup of hot tea. "And there's two sugars and exactly one teaspoon of milk." His green eyes twinkled.

"How do you never let life get you down for more than two seconds?"

He sat next to me. "Wasn't always easy." He sighed. "There was a time that I was so depressed that my mom thought of admitting me to break me out of it."

"You? Depressed?" The idea that Ray Barnett could ever be depressed shocked me. "Over?"

"Something that happened a long time ago." He flipped the TV on. "Talking later. Celebrity Poker's on."

Dear diary

Sounds so cliché! 'Dear diary'. How many people start their diaries off with that lame salutation?

Doesn't matter I suppose, how you start the diary, as long as you start one, right?

I got this idea from Ray a couple days ago. We sat talking and he said that he writes his songs when he's not feeling on top of the world (to coin a phrase) and I thought that since I don't write songs, I may as well give a diary a go.

Things aren't well. I wish I could be one of those people, you know, who write brilliantly in their diaries about how perfect their lives and worlds are, but the truth is that mine, as I write this, is seemingly falling apart.

I got married and he's already back in Iraq. A choice he made. Like I didn't matter. It was settled by Michael without discussing it with me. Not really, anyway. We were in a casual conversation about apartment hunting and it came up. No 'What do you think, Neela?' Nothing. It was this 'I have to go back.' He never asked me. He just assumed I'd be okay with it.

Ray doesn't switch shifts without asking me if it's okay with me. :giggles to self: Ray's been this amazing stronghold. The stronghold my husband should be. I have, I suppose, in a way, come to rely on Ray for what I need. He seems to know me better than…than anyone, I guess.

I looked at my closed door, knowing Ray was in the living room, watching television. There was something about him that confused me. He had gone from acquaintance to roommate to friend to…to I don't know what. All I knew was that I'd rather be out there with him, watching whatever idiotic thing he was watching than anything else. I put my diary down and headed out and sat beside him.

"I thought you were sleeping." He said as he put his arms around me in response to my snuggling close to him. He looked at me,surprised, knowing that my snuggling with him like this was not something I normally did.

"Couldn't sleep." I wearily replied.

"TV too loud?"

"No. Too many things going on in my mind."

"Like what?" He yawned.

"Everything." I sat straight up and looked at him. "I don't know what to do about any of it." I felt tears form. "My husband should be the one that's here right now helping through this, not my best friend. My husband should be the one to fix this and make it all right, not my best friend." I leaned into Ray and sobbed. For once, I could tell Ray didn't have anything to say. "Go ahead and say it. He's a rotten husband."

"No, he's not a rotten husband, but Neela, does he even know?" I shook my head. "How can he help you if you haven't told him that you…" A knock on the door stopped Ray cold. "I'll get it." He put a blanket over me. "Can I help you, gentlemen?" I didn't see who he was talking to.

"We're looking for a Mrs. Michael Gallant." I heard a stern soft voice and I shot up.

"I'm Mrs. Gallant." I wrapped the blanket around me and waddled to the door. I looked at their uniforms and felt ill at ease. "How may I help you?"

"I'm Captain Losure and this is Lieutenant Helms." He handed me something. "The Department of Defense regrets to inform you of your husband's death in Iraq and sends their condolences…" I couldn't hear what else he said. It took all my strength to stand and not show the war waging inside. "If you need to talk, here's my card." I looked down at the card. Captain Losure was the Chaplain they must send on these things. "We're here for you, ma'am."

I didn't know what to say, so I merely squeaked a "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." And shut the door as quickly as I could.

"You alright?" I felt Ray's hand on the small of my back.

"I'm fine." I lied and Ray read into it. He didn't move his hand. I turned around and pushed him out of the way. I couldn't deal with this. I didn't want to deal with it. And I only knew of one way to deal with things and that was the one thing that was destroying me.

"NEELA!" I heard Ray yell as I began to empty the fridge of its contents. "DAMNIT!" He yelled as I threw a bottle of beer at him. I was hurting and the only thing that could fix me was food. I kept literally shoving food in my mouth in between gasps of air as I cried. Ray was seeing the worst of me and yet he stood there, bleeding and smelling of beer, concern written all over his face. I looked over at him and I realized that the only thing that could fix me was Ray. I dropped the yogurt I was shoveling down my throat and fell into his arms.

"Oh, God, Ray!" I began to cry. I had reached my lowest and it was up to Ray to pull me out.

He wrapped his arms around me. "I know, Neela. I know." He softly stroked my hair.

"I asked him not to go back."

"I know." He kept his voice soft and tender.

I saw his arm. "God, I'm so sorry, Ray. I…"

"Hey, I was actually thinking of seeing how a beer bottle could cut my arm that way anyhow. You just beat me to it." He looked me in the eye. "I'll be fine. You, on the other hand, won't be." He stood up and carried me to my room. "Get some sleep. You know where to find me if you need me."

"Your arm. I should…"

"I'm a doctor, Neela." He smiled. "I'll take care of it." He softly kissed my forehead and wiped a few stray tears. "Things will be okay. I know you don't see it now, but they will be. We'll just take this whole thing one minute at a time, okay?"

For the first time in a very long time, I felt that everything would be okay. Somehow, Ray saying it would meant it would. I nodded and fell asleep quickly.

I know that Neela was at the hospital when she got word Michael was KIA. I just figured it would be better here, in this story, for purposes, to have the Soldiers come to her and Ray's apartment. It will set her in a tail spin and it's Ray that can stop the spinning and I thought it would be best for her to lose this control at home, when it's just her and Ray. I know it's AU, but I needed it to be this way. I hope you understand.

I thank each of you for your kind words after I put the author's note up. Knowing that I'm not alone, even though we only 'know' each other in this medium, has helped. While the fight continues, and will for how ever long, it's nice to know that I have people on here who understand and support me. You are all appreciated.

Navycorpsman