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I could picture the Portal of Truth better than my own parents. Ishmael had told me all about it, and I ate up every word. If Martel hadn't occasionally dragged me away from Ishmael's notes, I don't know if I would've ever stopped reworking his human transmutation formula. If Dorchet and Loa hadn't staged a cheesy intervention, I don't know if I would've ever reconsidered my plans. If Greed hadn't taken me to Ishmael's grave and handed me a lighter, I know I would've never burnt the notes to ash. I would have clung to them and never let go. The pages I memorized are still etched into my brain.

My point is, the Portal of Truth stuck with me like a bedtime story. As I started the transmutation for Greed's body, I was ready to rip off my own ears and fling them in the Truth's face, or snap off a leg or something if I had to. Here, take it. Keep the change.

But when I saw that expanse of white for the first time, I broke into a cold sweat.

"Hello."

I jumped and whipped around. Behind me loomed a huge pair of doors, decorated with the Sephiroth tree. Funny. I had pictured them smaller.

"Over here. Look in front of you."

I looked, pulse racing, and saw it. The "world," or the "universe," or "god" or "all" or "one."

"So," I breathed. "You're the Truth."

The figure looked like a gap in space, but somehow it grinned. "You could call me that."

"This is where I go to pay the toll, huh?" I smiled back nervously.

It laughed. "You have it backwards. You pay the toll to pass through here."

"Whatever. Take your toll and let me through," I said, pointing at the cat ears attached to my head. Hopefully the Truth couldn't see my hand trembling. "I've got an entire cat to spare. Sound fair enough?"

"No."

My gut twisted. "No?"

As the Truth flashed another one of those impossible grins, I heard the doors open behind me. "Keep your cat. You've paid the toll already."

"What?" Dark tendrils started to tug at my limbs, and I yanked away, looking down at my body. Nothing was missing. "Wait, hold on! What did you take?!"

The Truth just grinned at me. Were my organs gone? Lungs felt fine. Diaphragm had to be okay, too. Bladder and uterus had pain receptors, digestive tract would've made me puke blood, brain went without saying, ditto the heart… As my feet skidded along the floor, I tore at the little black hands pulling me. The Truth kept grinning, the bastard, but what the hell was it? Liver, kidneys? Something I'd worn? Something from the storage room, something with enough value to move a soul—

Oh, no. Lin had been in the transmutation circle, too.

"Damn it!" I braced myself in the doorway, kicking. The hands tugged. "Tell me what you took from me!"

"There's no need to treat me like a thief." The voice was piercingly clear despite my shouts and the groaning doors. "Weren't you willing to give up anything? Besides, you cannot accuse me of 'taking' anything from you. I am 'the truth,' and 'the world,' and 'all' and 'one.' But I am also YOU."

As the little black hands tore me away, I watched the strip of white shrink behind the closing doors.

"It would be wise to remember that, alchemist."

Ishmael never went into the details about coming back from the Portal. Personally, I should've given a little thought to the fact that I had performed the transmutation on a cement floor.

I landed on my funny bone.

A stab of pins and needles shot all the way to the tip of my pinky finger, and I yelped, barely registering the sounds of panic around me.

"—you okay?! Where are you hurt—?"

"—shit, Selena, talk to me! What did it take—?"

The hands tugging at my shoulders sent sparks up my arm with every jostle. Swearing, I curled around my tingling elbow. "I'm fine, gimme a sec…"

"Like hell you're fine—"

"—not bleeding, are you? Show me—"

"Calm down!" I snapped. "It's just my frickin' funny bone! Damn!"

I saw Lin's hands jerk back—the Truth hadn't taken him, thank god—but the nerves buzzing in my elbow swallowed my relief like a guppy in a pond full of sharks. Sharks with laser beams, even. As it went dead quiet, I fumbled into a sitting position and pushed my hair out of my face. Someone lunged at me before I could look up.

"YOU IDIOT!"

I reeled as a pair of hands yanked me off balance, and I blinked, wide-eyed, at a face I hadn't seen in years. Lips drawn back, teeth clenched, and brow creased in a glare that put Edward Elric to shame, Greed almost looked like a different person when he lost the devil-may-care attitude. Even the hand pressed to the side of my face was shaking.

"Don't you ever do something that stupid again!" he ground out. I gawked at him blankly. "You hear me? Never. Again."

My mouth twitched as if to prompt me for the usual smartass remark. None came. Instead, tears blurred my vision, and I broke down in a fit of giggles.

"Don't laugh!" Greed groaned. His shoulders slumped, and I hadn't seen that goddamn perfect Greed posture since I was fourteen. "Come on, I'm trying to be mad."

"S-screw you," I choked out, wiping the tears that kept spilling down my cheeks. The giggles wouldn't stop. I'd been trying to clean up this asshole's potentially-fatal mess for years, and he thought I was the idiot? He was sitting there in a towel, for god's sake. Totally lame. I fucking loved him.

"Damn it," I said, throwing my arms around his neck. Greed wobbled for balance, and then he hugged me back, his hands warm and solid. God, even his scent was the same. Burying my face in his shoulder, I drank everything in.

The sound of footsteps approaching made me pull away hastily. When Ed and Al appeared with the rest of our little fugitive group, dressed in pajamas and waving a flashlight, I cringed at the brightness.

"What's going on—?" Ed stopped short. "…Greed?"

Squinting in the light, Greed flashed a grin. "Yo."

Ed looked like he was about to say something else. Before anybody said a word, though, the younger Elric burst out, "YOU IDIOT!"

"Whoa! Calm down!" I squawked, jerking back defensively. "I already got yelled at by this guy, okay?" I jabbed a thumb at Greed.

"I don't care! You could have gotten killed!" Al shouted.

"I get it, I get it! Geez, I'm sorry."

"You should be," Al seethed. "You…" He paused like he was catching his breath, face flushed from shouting. Running his hands over his face, he plopped down on the floor and shot me a glare.

"You could have gotten killed," he repeated. His pouty, hurt look had nothing on Ed's patented evil eye. Then again, a kicked puppy had nothing on Alphonse Elric.

I stared at my hands, fidgeting. "Yeah. Sorry, Al."

Ed squeezed his brother's shoulder and sent me that semi-permanent glare. He said bluntly, "You're an idiot."

"I heard it the first two times, Shorty," I sighed.

"What'd it take?"

Frowning, I patted myself down. "I'm not sure. That Truth bastard wouldn't say. Feels like everything's still here, but there must've—ow ow ow!"

Everyone within three feet of me jumped forward, looking like they would carry me to a hospital right then and there. Brushing off a few frantic pairs of hands, I tugged at my jacket to see a tiny beast scrambling for the pocket.

"May, what's with your damn panda?" I demanded, rubbing the bite-mark on my hand. May put away those healing wonder-daggers of hers and scurried to help. Ducking away from May, the panda jumped out of my pocket and darted around Al, toward Lanfan's feet.

Lanfan lurched backward. "What?! I don't have my scarf, you little—!"

As Lanfan scaled a stack of crates to avoid the fuzzy little ball of evil, May suddenly went stock-still. "Uh-oh."

I raised a brow at her. Her face was bright red, and she lowered her eyes to the floor when Al echoed, "'Uh-oh'?"

I exchanged looks with Greed and Lin, who looked as clueless as I was. Al touched May's arm.

"May, what's wrong?" he asked.

"I—I, um," she stammered. "W-when I was travelling with Mr. Scar, um, s-sometimes we set up, er, diversions. To get past guards or police, I mean."

I stared blankly. "Okay?"

"For example, um… We—Mr. Yoki showed me how to… how to p-put stolen items—or illegal goods, sometimes—we put them in someone else's… p-pockets. Or their bags. Or, um…" May trailed off. I squinted at her, perplexed. Then, the connection hit me like a bucket of ice water.

"Wait," I squeaked. "May, what—what're you trying to say?"

She turned a shade brighter. "Um. I-I also… When I heard the lore about the philosopher's stone, I…I taught Xiao-Mei to, uh, go after s-small, red rocks."

My heart dropped into my stomach. From the top of the crate pile, Lanfan let out a sharp breath, and Greed looked at me with disbelief. "Is she saying the panda stole the philosopher's stone?"

"And planted it on me," Lanfan breathed, her face tight. "But it fell out of my scarf, so she hid it in…"

Giving up on Lanfan, the panda made a beeline for me. She dove in one jacket pocket and then the other. After I pulled off the jacket, the panda nosed through it frantically, found nothing but rubber bands, and tried to attack me again. Like it was my fault she'd picked the shittiest time to plant the stone on me. As May retrieved her pet, Lin and Lanfan stared at each other anxiously. I sat dumbly in front of my jacket.

"The Truth is an asshole," I said.

Both Elrics gestured feverishly. "See?!"

Havoc came through the store's side entrance with a gun thirty seconds after Ed went to tell him what happened. Yeah, that could have gone really badly. Since I was busy fixing the transmutation circle I'd carved into the floor, I heard the confusion from the storage room. I transmuted a pair of pants from the sheet I'd used to hide the Confidential Activities stuff, tossed them to Greed, and scurried for the money I'd stashed away. I chucked the money at Havoc as soon as he wheeled around the corner. As he blinked at the cash and the list of supplies I'd taken, perplexed, Ed scrambled to fill in what he'd missed.

I got called an idiot at least ten more times. Yeah, I deserved that. Nobody yelled at the friggin' panda, though.

As we all trudged out of the storage room, Greed's hand settled on top of my head. "Quit pouting."

"I'm not pouting," I grumbled, batting his hand away. Lanfan made an unconvinced noise in her throat. Before I could shoot her a glare, a faint rattle made me pause, scanning the aisles. Greed slowed and called my name. I shushed him.

"What now?" Havoc groaned as I padded to the janitor's closet, where the door stood ajar, and peered through the crack. Round eyes reflected the light leaking inside. Nudging through the door, flipped the light switch.

A scruffy, orange tabby retreated behind a mop. I grinned. "Gotcha, sneaky kitty."

"Wait, there is a cat in here?" Greed leaned over me to look inside. "Oh. No shit."

"Told you," I shot back.

"A cat?" Havoc called. "How'd it get inside?"

"Maybe somebody left a door open." As I crouched down and inched toward the cat, cooing gently, my hand bumped a small bowl hidden in one corner. Water sloshed over the edge. Furrowing my brows, I picked up the second bowl next to it, rattling the dry cat food inside. The cat drew back as Greed stepped forward.

"When did you put those here?" he asked.

"I didn't. They look like they were transmuted out of the floor tile—" I stopped abruptly. Shoulders slumping, I turned and looked past Greed, staring at the group crowded in the doorway. The others followed my gaze, and Alphonse fidgeted.

Ed narrowed his eyes. "Al…"

"It looked hungry, okay?" Al blurted, his voice jumping to pitches unusual for a sixteen year-old boy. "I felt really bad closing the door in its face after I fed it, and I made sure none of the customers saw—!"

I sat on the floor, shaking with laughter, while Ed gave his brother a thorough chewing out. After I coaxed the cat out of the closet, Ed told me to put the poor thing outside. Al and I loudly protested.

Running a hand over his face, Havoc growled, "I don't care what you do with it. Just go. The fuck. To sleep."

We named the cat Elouise.

I try to limit Selena's potty mouth for maximum impact, but I couldn't pass up Havoc's F-bomb at the end. If anyone hasn't heard the book Go the Fuck to Sleep read by Samuel L. Jackson, go look it up. Do it. (Wear headphones.)

Next chapter, the answer to the question on everybody's minds: "Why 'Elouise'?" Maybe some of that unimportant stuff about Greed and Selena, too. Maybe. Progressing the plot? Psh, who does that?