A/N: Hey all, so here's another one shot I've been meaning to publish for some time now - the Shepherd family's first Christmas without Rinny. Thanks so much for sticking with me, and I hope you like this little story :)
The First Christmas
Lauren's POV
December, 1996
It seems like I've been in denial for the entire month, because up until now I didn't actually believe this day would come. December 25, 1996; our first Christmas without Rinny.
Normally, my sister and I would be bouncing off the walls from Thanksgiving onward, in anticipation of this magical day. Our parents had always loved winter and the Christmas season; Mom always said December was her favorite month, first because of Christmas, and then because it was the month she became a Mommy. Needless to say the both of them definitely instilled in us from the beginning to love Christmas and the holidays, and to think of it as a time for family and for giving to others.
But this year feels different. After getting home from midnight Mass late last night, I had gone straight to bed, not wanting to think about the morning. Very little words were shared between my parents and me because I think all three of us were already sad, thinking about what was to come. The same could be said for a couple of weeks ago too, when I turned seven. Another first without Rinny – our birthday had suddenly become my birthday, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't want a party. I didn't want anything except my sister back.
I remember Daddy coming into my room the morning of December 9th, scooping me into his arms and telling me how glad he is that I was born. He asked me if I wanted to stay home from school, but I had said no. Rinny wouldn't have wanted me to miss out on seeing my friends and classmates that day. I didn't see Mom until a few hours after I got home that afternoon, and I think that had been the first time she had gotten out of bed all day. I could see the pain in her eyes even from just looking at me, and seeing that made me feel almost as if I were losing my sister all over again.
Lying in bed on Christmas morning, I can't help but think about all of this, and how it's doomed to repeat itself on what used to be one of Rinny's favorite days of the year.
Looking over at Rinny's side of the room, most of her stuff is now put away, and the bed is made. Daddy did most of that about a month ago when I was at school. Only once did I walk in on him, and he was doubled over sitting on her bed, sobbing like I had never seen him sob before. Even though I was scared, I had gone over to him and rested my head on his knee until he composed himself, then he picked me up and didn't let me go for pretty much the rest of the night.
"Merry Christmas, Rin," I say to no one in particular. "I hope you got to dance the Nutcracker in heaven."
Oh yeah, there's that too. Basically, after Rinny died I never went to another ballet class, and didn't want to hear anything about it. There was even one day when my parents' friend Savvy was babysitting me, we were going for a walk downtown and without thinking we had walked straight into Lincoln Square, and there were signs for the NYCB everywhere. Once I realized where we were I literally threw a fit; tantrums have never really been my thing, but this time there was no calming me down.
I look over at the clock on my nightstand. It's 8:00am - the latest I could ever remember sleeping in on Christmas. But that's because there's no one to jump on my bed and wake me up anymore.
Sitting up slowly, I grab Winston and head into the hallway. I don't really want to go downstairs but I don't want to stay in my room either. Unfortunately, that doesn't leave me very many more options. As I pad further down the hall, squeezing my teddy bear, I hear Daddy's voice; it's soft, like he's trying not to wake a baby.
Before I can comprehend it, however, I walk straight into his and Mom's room. He's sitting up, leaning against a pillow while Mom lay on her side, facing him and wiping her eyes.
"Daddy?" I look at him.
Mom immediately sits up and takes a deep breath; for some reason she thinks I won't notice she was crying. Really though, I don't think she's stopped crying for most of this month. Daddy holds his arms out for me.
"Merry Christmas, Buddy," he kisses the top of my head as I snuggle into his lap.
"Merry Christmas," I respond, as Mom looks down and smiles at me through her red-rimmed eyes.
"Did you and Winston sleep well?" Daddy asks, giving my little bear a kiss too.
"Uh-huh," I nod. "I..."
I stop myself from telling them what I was about to say next.
"What is it?" Daddy asks.
"I had a dream where Rinny was dancing. We were watching her dance in ballet slippers." My voice drops to a whisper near the end. I hear Mom take in another deep breath beside me and her tears spill over again.
Daddy holds me tighter.
"Was it a good dream, baby?" He asks.
"Yeah, she...she was happy," I tell him, nuzzling my nose against his chest. "She wanted to dance in the Nutcracker this year."
Daddy nods, remembering when I told this to him and Mom a few months ago.
"She's your guardian angel now," he kisses my head again. "I think maybe this was her trying to tell you that she's okay, that she's happy."
Mom chokes on a sob beside us and Daddy wraps an arm around her. Her face is only a few inches from mine now and I can see the red in her eyes more than ever. I place my small hand against her cheek and she kisses it.
"You think she knows it's Christmas?" I ask.
"Yeah, Buddy, I do," Daddy answers. "I don't think Rin would ever forget about Christmas, no matter what," he chuckles.
"Yeah," I smile, thinking of Rin on Christmas. "You're right. She would probably be mad at me for not opening any presents yet."
"For some reason you two always thought six o'clock in the morning was the best time to do that," Daddy laughs.
"That was always her idea! She would wake me up!" I giggle, looking over at Mom, who's smiling through her tears with her head against Daddy's shoulder. She still hasn't been able to say anything.
"Yeah, yeah that's what they all say," he tickles my ribs, making me laugh some more. It feels good, to talk about Rinny and be able to laugh about her. In my heart of hearts, I know that's what she would want, for us to have happy memories of her, but sometimes it's just hard, and I have to cry.
"Daddy?" I look up at him. "What are we gonna do today?" I ask like I'm almost afraid to hear his answer. Usually we would drive up to Connecticut after opening presents and do dinner and what not at my Grandma Carolyn's house. But this year no one's talked about anything, so I haven't asked.
"What would make you feel better today, Buddy?" He asks me in return.
I look over at Mom and sigh. She silently wraps an arm around me, looking like it'll be difficult to even get out of bed today. As I sit there, I think about what my sister would want, were she still here. She would want us to go to Grandma's house like we always do. She would want to play with our cousins and be with family, not holed up in our house.
"I think Rin would want us to be with family," I say quietly. "But I just wanna be with you, too." I snuggle further into him. As much as I love my family, I don't know how long I want to be around a lot of people today.
"Well, what about if I go downstairs and call Grandma, see if we can head up late this afternoon?" He looks over at Mom. I feel bad; I don't want to make her do something she doesn't want to do, but at the same I know this is what Rinny would want.
"It's what she would want," Mom whispers, the first words I've heard her say all morning.
"Okay, then," Daddy kisses her head and puts me down gently, getting up to go call Grandma.
Immediately I lie down with my head on his pillow, snuggling into Mom. No words are exchanged between us, but the way she holds me and runs her fingers through my hair are words enough.
A half hour later, all three of us finally make it downstairs. I was extremely hesitant, and probably stood at the top of the stairs for a solid ten minutes before Mom scooped me up and carried me down.
"We're gonna do this together, okay?" she whispers, kissing my temple.
My head resting against her shoulder, we walk down the stairs slowly. I don't know whether or not Mom's seen the sitting room yet, where the tree is, but regardless I appreciate her doing this with me.
I close my eyes, breathing in the smell of her body lotion and delaying the sight of my first Christmas morning without my sister. When we reach the threshold of the back living room, Mom whispers for me to open my eyes.
"Look, baby girl, it's snowing," she runs the back of her hand over my cheek as I slowly lift my head from her shoulder.
We're standing right in front of the window in the living room, so I can't see the tree or anything yet; now, all I see are the tiny white flakes falling from the grey morning sky, and already a couple of inches on the ground. If Rinny were still here, we would probably be begging to go out and play in it. Before I can respond with the first question that comes to mind, Daddy comes over and wraps an arm around us, kissing Mom's temple.
"Can we maybe go out and make snow angels later, Mommy? That way Rinny can be here with us, because she's an angel."
Mom hugs me tighter and chokes on another sob.
"Yes, Laurie. We can make snow angels later."
"Do you wanna go see what's under the tree, Buddy?" Daddy asks me, placing a hand on my back.
"The tree?" I ask him stupidly, as if I'd never heard of such a thing.
"You don't think Santa forgot about you, do you?"
"I...I don't know. I didn't ask him for anything..." I look down. "I don't want anything, I just want my sister back."
"I know you want her back, honey, but remember what you said before? About how she'd want you to be with family, and to be happy?"
"I guess so," I feel another lump coming into my throat. "But it's not fair!" I nuzzle my face into Mom's neck and cry; for the first, and probably not last, time today, I cry with every ounce of sadness I have in me. She and Daddy walk over to the couch and sit down, and I settle on her lap.
"Shh, Laurie," she whispers, leaning into Daddy's chest.
"I miss her so much," I sob into her shoulder. "I can't do this." Suddenly, coming downstairs just makes everything feels like too much; the snow, the presents, the family, this holiday.
Mom doesn't respond, probably because nothing she could say would make herself feel better, let alone me. Instead she rubs my back gently and lets Daddy do the talking.
"You can do this, Laurie," he wraps an arm around us. "I know it's hard right now. First times are always hard, but..." his voice cracks. "I promise it'll get easier, you just need to give it some time. We just need to give it some time. Nothing is going to feel normal, not for a while, but we just need...we need to move forward."
I notice Daddy is holding back tears, seeing me still crying.
"You don't think Rinny would want you to hate Christmas forever, do you?"
"No," I sniff, trying to catch my breath. Mom continues rubbing soft circles on my back, trying to calm me down.
"She loved you so much, Buddy. She would hate to see you this sad."
"I...I know. She loved you too, Daddy."
"We're never going to forget her, sweetheart. I couldn't even if I tried, and neither could Mommy."
"I know," I sigh, bringing my head up from Mom's shoulder to wipe my eyes. Sitting up, I look at both my parents; they both look so sad.
"Should we go see what's under the tree?" Daddy asks again after a moment.
I give him a small smile and nod. Slowly, Mom stands up, still holding me, and we walk into the sitting room.
I gasp as I see the tree for the first time, all lit up and beautiful, and with at least a dozen presents underneath it, from relatives, my parents, and of course, Santa Claus, and the one special present I got for both of my parents, to be opened last.
"Merry Christmas, baby," Mom says quietly, kissing my cheek.
"Merry Christmas," I respond, still staring at the tree.
I stay sitting in my mother's lap on the floor as we open gifts, comforted by her arms that are kept loosely wrapped around my middle. Sometimes I think she wishes it were my sister she could hold, like she used to do every Christmas when we opened gifts, but for now I'm just glad I can also give her the comfort that she needs. I love everything I got – a new soccer ball, clothes, shoes, almost a dozen books, and a hand-knitted sweater for Winston from Grandma – now I hope Mom and Daddy will like what I got for them. What my sister and I got for them.
Crawling off of Mom's lap, I grab the rectangular shaped box from under the tree.
"Uncle Mark helped me wrap it," I tell them, handing the box to Mom before sitting down crisscross in front of her. She takes a deep breath as she leans back against the couch, most likely noticing that the gift says it's from Laurie and Rinny. Daddy sits down next to her and takes the bow off, sticking it on my cheek and making me giggle.
Mom rips open the paper, wondering aloud what could be inside. My sister and I have done a good job of doing something completely different for them every year. Well, since we were old enough to do anything for them.
As soon as she sees what it is, tears spill from her eyes again, and she doesn't even try to hide them. Daddy does the same. Inside is a picture, painted by Rinny last April of our family, addressed to "Mommy and Daddy." On the side she had written: "This is my family. My mom, my dad, my uncle Mark, and my twin sister Laurie." It had been drying in our Kindergarten classroom when she died, and before my teacher could give it to my parents, I had asked if I could keep it instead.
"She painted that in class last April for you, but she didn't get to take it home. It didn't dry in time," my voice grows quieter. I can tell they know what I mean.
Mom starts crying harder before holding her arms out for me again.
"It's perfect, Laurie," she whispers into my hair. Daddy wraps his arms around us as we sit huddled together for what feels like the millionth time today.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Daddy kisses my head.
"I know she wanted you to have it," I mutter, looking up at my parents.
"I couldn't have asked for anything better," Mom cups my cheeks with her hands. "I love you, baby girl."
I sigh, leaning against her chest.
"I love you too, Mommy."
Derek's POV
December, 1996
I notice Laurie falls asleep after the first hour of sitting in the car. It's mid-afternoon and she, Addison, Mark, and I are on our way up to Connecticut to visit my mom and sisters for the holiday. Normally, we look forward to this time of year, getting to spend time with family, and with my mom, whom I've always been close with, but this year I'm pretty apathetic. I honestly have no idea how I am going to feel when we stand in the doorway and are greeted by a dozen kids who still have all of their siblings, and a half dozen parents who still have all of their children.
As soon as I park in the driveway, I turn around in my seat and wake Laurie. Carrying her to the doorway, I look inside Mom's front room window - her tree is big and beautiful just like always. Addison walks quietly beside us, leaving me curious how she is going to react to the family too. Mark wraps an arm around her shoulders and I hear him whisper it will be alright.
"Oh, honey I'm so glad you're here," Mom smiles sadly, opening the door as I set Laurie down. She immediately steps forward and kisses my cheek.
"Hi, Mom," I give her a tight hug in return before she looks down at Laurie and smiles, a genuine smile.
"Well if it isn't Miss Laurie."
"Hi Grandma," she holds her arms out to Mom and is immediately scooped up.
"Hello my angel," she kisses Laurie's forehead. Mom has many grandchildren, but sometimes I could swear that my twins would always be her favorites. Then again, I'm biased.
Exchanging a quick hello with Addison and Mark, Mom carries Laurie inside. She and Addison had never been overly close, but ever since Rinny died, she has been making an honest attempt at building a stronger relationship with her. That and I think Mom's always genuinely felt sorry that Addie never got to experience that maternal love and affection that every child deserves.
"You know, you came just in time," Mom says to Laurie. "I'm baking your favorite."
"Apple pie?" She removes her head from Mom's shoulder and smiles up at her.
"You better believe it," she tickles her sides, making her giggle.
"So is everyone here?" I ask, helping Addison out of her jacket and hanging it up.
"Just Nancy and Liz. Kathleen called and said they were having trouble getting Alexander to sit in his car seat for more than five minutes without screaming up a storm, so they're going to be a little bit late." I chuckle, thinking of my youngest nephew, only two months old.
"What about Auntie Amy?" Laurie cuts in, as Mom sets her down. It's only natural she doesn't see anything wrong with asking; she doesn't know anything about my younger sister Amelia's past. As far as Laurie knows, Addison and Amy were close for a while, since Addie keeps a picture sitting on the dresser of Amy holding Laurie as a baby while she did her hair for prom. Now, my only younger sister is in med. school at Johns Hopkins. It's impressive really, but who knows how long it will last, given her history.
There's a collective silence between the five of us, and Addison looks sad again, most likely thinking about another family member who should be here, but isn't.
"She...can't make it this year, honey," I wrap an arm around her shoulders.
"Oh...but why? Isn't she in doctor school like you and Mommy were?"
"She's busy with other things, Laurie. But I know she wishes she could be here to see you."
"Oh," Laurie frowns. "That's okay I guess."
"Come on munchkin," Mark scoops her up from behind before she can protest. "Let's go see what your cousins are up to."
"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in," Nancy grins, walking up to Mark.
"Nancy Pants," he grins, setting Laurie down to greet her.
"Hey loser," she hugs him.
"Aw Nance, not in front of my niece," he mocks offense.
"Your niece?! This is my niece!" She bends down and hugs my daughter tightly and kisses her cheek. I'm starting to get the feeling this is going to be happening a lot to her today. "Merry Christmas, baby girl!"
"Merry Christmas Auntie Nancy," Laurie mumbles into her shoulder.
"You know, Collin's been asking about you all day. He's really excited to see you, and I think have an excuse to get away from Amanda...she's been trying to test out her new lip gloss on him ever since this morning..."
"Eww, lip gloss is gross," Laurie giggles.
"And I think that's exactly why my son missed you so much. Go on, go say hi!" She nudges Laurie further towards the living room before Addison or I could say anything.
But as soon as she gets to the living room I hear a loud shriek of "LAURIE!" from my four year old nephew Collin, his "r's" sounding more like "w's."
I smile, a genuine smile, and wrap an arm around Addison's shoulders before heading into the kitchen.
"So how have you been, Mom?" I ask. It's been a while since I've seen her, since Addison and Laurie weren't feeling up to Thanksgiving with the family, and I didn't want to push them.
"Really I should be the one asking you that," she responds, checking the turkey in the oven.
"We're fine," I answer almost too quickly. It feels like we've spent the whole day lamenting Rinny, and I don't want to upset Addison.
"Don't you lie to me," Mom gives me a sad look before coming over to stand next to us.
"Today's been tough," Addison admits, looking down. In reality, she and my mother haven't had the strongest of relationships, but after Rinny died, things changed. Mom's been trying really hard to be there for Addison and me.
"Well, I'm here if you ever need anything, honey," Mom places a hand on her back. "A shoulder to cry on, anything."
"Thanks Carolyn," Addison gives a small smile. "I really appreciate it."
"Hello!" I hear my sister Kathleen shout from the front door; she and her family have just arrived. "Merry Christmas!"
"Oh good they made it!" Mom smiles and runs to greet her, leaving Addison and me alone in the kitchen.
Addison takes in a deep breath and looks at me. I immediately envelop her in a hug.
"We're gonna get through today, Addie," I whisper, rubbing her back lightly.
"I know," she mumbles into my shoulder before pulling back and giving me a soft smile. "I'll be okay."
Slowly, I pull her back in to kiss her; really though, I'm proud of her for making it all the way up here today.
"I love you," I whisper to her.
"I love you too, Derek."
We stand together in another embrace only moments before my sister Kathleen comes into the kitchen, Mom on her heels.
"Derek," she smiles at me before enveloping me in a hug.
"Hey Kath."
"I'm so glad you came. And Addie," she turns to my wife and hugs her too. "How are you, honey?"
"I'm…I'm okay," Addison smiles. "Glad to be here. How's Alexander?"
"Oh he's good, the little noise bag. Sometimes I swear he wants me to only get three hours of sleep a night."
Addison gives a small laugh.
"Todd's upstairs putting him down for a nap before dinner, if you wanna see him before he goes to sleep?"
"No, no that's fine. I'll catch up with the little guy later."
The rest of the afternoon before dinner basically consists of children playing, adults talking, Mark being a pain in the ass, and Mom and Liz cooking. I look around and see my daughter, playing hide and seek with her cousins Collin and Susie, Liz's three year old daughter. Apparently, little Susie has been extra rambunctious lately, since she's due to become a big sister to another little girl in just two months. Watching Laurie search for her cousins, I find myself secretly hoping she's not pulling an Addison and pretending to be okay when she's not. Especially since she and Rin used to play hide and seek almost every day.
An hour later, we're all sitting around the dinner table. As usual, Mom had all of the grandchildren help set the table. Looking down, I chuckle; once again, Laurie's put the forks on the wrong side. God only knows the number of times Mom's tried to teach her otherwise. However, the dining room still looks beautiful, as always.
"Mom, you've outdone yourself once again." Sitting next to her, I lean over and kiss her cheek.
"Oh thank you, honey, you know I always – children would you knock it off!" She turns to Nancy and Mark, who are sitting next to each other and fighting for elbow room. The children giggle and almost everyone else, including myself, rolls their eyes.
"I'm staying out of this one..." Nancy's husband James chuckles.
"Yeah and she'll only knock it off when you tell us who invited this guy anyway," Kathleen cuts in, gesturing toward Mark before taking a sip of her cider and bouncing Alexander on her lap.
"Hey, I was here before you were…" Mark mutters.
"Yeah thanks to us," I smirk.
"Not really feelin' the love, are you, man?" Liz smirks.
Mark opens his mouth to reply but Kathleen cuts in again.
"Aaand before you say whatever immature remark you were going to say in front of all of these innocent ears," she gestures to the kids, "I'm going to suggest a toast instead."
"A toast?" Mom asks.
Kathleen takes a deep breath. Subconsciously, I reach down and rest my hand against Addison's thigh, and she squeezes it lightly. For some reason I have a feeling what's coming.
"Yes. I think we should make a toast...to Rinny."
Everyone is silent, and I look over at Addison; her eyes brim with tears, but if I know her like I think I do, she won't let them fall. I don't even want to look at Laurie, because looking at her might just break me. Kathleen continues.
"To the little munchkin who should still be here with us. The lovable little girl who did nothing but make us laugh..."
I feel a lump settle in the back of my throat and I clear it. Addison squeezes my hand tighter.
"And dance around in that little tutu. Christmas was her favorite time of year...I don't think I ever saw her in this house without a smile on her face," Kathleen laughs. "And now...even though she's no longer with us and our holidays or any other day will never feel the same again, our little angel will always be a part of this family."
But she'll always be with us in some way, and we'll never ever forget her. To Rinny," she raises her glass, and everyone follows.
"To Rinny."
I notice Addison mouth a "thank you" across the table to Kathleen.
To Rinny; my little angel, I miss you more than you'll ever know.
Lauren's POV
December, 1996
It isn't until after dinner is finished that I start to feel sad again, to the point where I can no longer hide it. My cousin Amanda and Aunt Nancy are just getting ready to dry the dishes when I quietly excuse myself and head to the bathroom in the dark upstairs hallway.
Locking the door behind me, I sit on the edge of the bathtub and bury my head in my hands. Aunt Kathleen's toast comes rushing back to me:
And now...even though she's no longer with us and our holidays or any other day will never feel the same again, our little angel will always be a part of this family.
Rinny was more my family than anyone else sitting at that table, including Mom and Daddy. Even though I'm only seven and still don't know a lot of things, I know this for sure – twins love each other before anyone else. Twins care for each other before anyone else. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone else as much as I loved – love – my sister, and just thinking about that sends more tears falling down my cheeks.
After a while, I curl into a ball on the tile floor. I wonder if anyone downstairs has wondered where I am, since I've probably been gone over 15 minutes by now. It's not even that I'm sobbing uncontrollably in here, I just have this giant lump in the back of my throat that I get whenever I get sad, and I don't want any of my little cousins to see me cry.
But I don't want any of the adults to see me cry either; they'll just get that look that grown-ups always get when they feel bad for someone, or are trying to be sympathetic. And then I know seeing me even just a little sad would really upset Mom and Daddy. So I'm good in here for now.
Suddenly, I hear a light knock on the door.
"Laurie, honey are you in here?"
It's Mom. Shoot. I immediately sit up, sniffing and wiping my tears so I can answer and at least sound somewhat normal.
"Um, yeah," I respond, in a voice that's far from normal. Good going.
"Are you okay?" She asks softly.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I take a deep breath.
"Can I come in?"
As much as I love my mom, I don't want her to come in here so we can have another crying fest.
"I'm okay Mom," I sniff again. Suddenly it hits me and I jolt my head up, looking at myself in the mirror. That's the first time I've called her "Mom" since Rinny died.
I can hear Mom sigh from the other side of the door, and I can tell she really doesn't want to go back downstairs without seeing me first.
"Please open the door, baby."
She sounds exhausted, and all of the sudden I want nothing more than to cuddle up to her. Slowly I reach over and unlock the door, twisting the knob to open it.
"There you are," she smiles sadly, as we stand in the doorway, dark hall to lit bathroom. She runs a hand over my hair.
I don't say anything. Instead I just wrap my arms around her middle and take another deep breath. Instead of returning the hug, however, she sticks her hands in my underarms, lifting me up and settling me on her hip.
"We were wondering where you wandered off to," Mom tucks my hair behind my ear. It's still in little ringlets, since she used a curling iron on it before we left. I normally hate getting anything done to my hair, but it made her happy to be able to do this for me, so I let her.
"I…after dinner I just couldn't stop thinking about her, because of Auntie Kathleen's toast, and…and I didn't want anyone to see me cry because you were all having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it," I say quietly, looking down toward the floor.
"Oh baby girl you wouldn't have ruined anything," she kisses my temple. "It's okay to be sad and miss your sister, especially today." Her voice breaks. "And…I don't want you to feel like you need to hide from me when you need to cry either, okay?"
"Even when it's about Rin?" I whisper.
"Especially when it's about Rin," she kisses my temple a couple more times. "You can always, always come to me, sweetheart. No matter what."
I rest my head on her shoulder, breathing in the smell of her perfume. "Today's just hard," I mumble against her.
"I know, I know," she whispers, rubbing my back. We remain standing in the hallway. "I love you, sweetheart," she chokes.
"I love you too, Mommy."
She rocks us back and forth while patting my back lightly. I don't cry, but I feel so limp and tired against her. I almost just want to go home now and not be around all of the people downstairs anymore. I kind of anticipated feeling this way though, even before we came up here.
"I loved your present this morning, honey," Mom whispers.
"She wanted you to have it, but…but I wanted to be the one to give it to you."
"And I'm so glad you did."
"Mommy?"
"Hmm?"
"Can we go home soon?" I ask quietly. This is also the first time I've ever asked to leave Grandma's house. Normally Mom and Daddy have to drag me (and Rinny) out of here by the ankles.
"Yes, we can go home soon," she runs a hand through my hair. "I'll talk to Daddy. I want to go home too."
"I guess we have to go back downstairs first though, huh?"
"Yes baby, we do. But it's okay. Nobody's mad at you, and you didn't ruin anything, okay?"
I just nod as she reaches in with one hand to turn the bathroom light off.
Planting several quick kisses on my cheek, she sets me down at the top of the stairs and we walk back into the crowd together.
"I was wondering where my girls got to," Daddy says when I immediately give him a hug downstairs. "You okay, Buddy?"
"Yeah, I'm okay," I smile up at him.
"C'mon Laurie, Grandma's gonna read The Polar Express!" Collin runs up to me. Grandma's been reading this book to us every Christmas since I can remember. Grabbing my hand, he pulls me in the living room to sit between him and his nine year old brother, Oliver. There are pillows set up all over the floor, and people are making themselves comfortable on the couches. I swallow the lump that's come back to my throat and smile with them. I'm trying my best.
"I wanna sit on Aunt Addie's lap!" I hear Susie squeak from behind me. I turn around to look; she's running into Mom's lap.
"Hi there, baby girl," Mom smiles. But it's another sad smile.
"Aunt Addie your hair is so bootiful," Susie tells her, playing with the ends.
"She's been begging me to color her hair red for weeks," Aunt Liz chuckles before sitting down next to her husband. "It's always 'I want Aunt Addie's hair. I want Aunt Addie's hair!'"
I smile, thinking about how Rinny would sometimes wish she had Mom's hair too, like I do.
"Oh but your hair is so beautiful, Sus," Mom runs her fingers through her hair.
"But it's so...brown," Susie crinkles her nose.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with brown hair," Daddy pretends to be offended.
I smile again, turning back around to face Grandma, who is holding Aunt Nancy's youngest, 11 month old Haley, in her lap. I remember when Rinny and I used to fight over who got to sit on her lap when she read to us on Christmas. Most of the time neither of us actually won.
"Alright everybody, shh," Aunt Nancy says, before taking a sip of her wine. "And that includes you…loser…" she mutters at Uncle Mark and I giggle again.
Grandma starts to read.
"Christmas eve, many years ago, I lay quietly in my bed. I did not rustle the sheets. I breathe slowly and silently. I was listening for a sound, a sound a friend of mine had told me I would never hear.
The ringing bells of Santa's sleigh."
The younger kids in the room all gasp dramatically. As Grandma continues to read, I eventually start to wonder how my mother is doing again. Turning around slightly, I notice Susie is still curled up in her lap, and she's got her head resting against Daddy's shoulder. She hasn't held another kid besides me since Rin died, so I know this is probably hard for her, but she would never tell little Susie to go.
Quietly, I crawl over to where she sits with Susie on the couch, and squeeze in on her other side, next to the armrest. She doesn't say anything; instead she just wraps an arm around me and kisses the top of my head. I notice Susie curl up into a little ball on her lap, thumb in mouth. I love my little cousin, I really do, but for a moment I pretend that she's Rinny. The both of us curled up on the couch with Mom and Daddy. I would give anything to be able to have moments like those again.
"I love you, Mom," I whisper, leaning against her.
Silently, she rests her cheek against the top of my head, listening to Grandma read. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Grandma look up at us – Daddy, Mom, Susie, and me.
She smiles, like she knows we're going to be okay.
Addison's POV
December, 1996
"Did you have a good day today, sweetheart?" Derek asks Laurie, as the three of us lie in his and my bed that night, lights all off. On the drive home, it had started to snow again; now, if I listen hard enough, I can almost hear the flakes against the window.
"Yeah, I did," she picks at the button of her flannel pajama top. The three of us are all wearing our flannels tonight, for comfort's sake. "Thank you for all of my presents."
I run the back of my hand along her cheek lightly, as she lie sandwiched between Derek and me with the both of us on our sides to face her. I'm the only one who knows about upstairs at Carolyn's house today…finding Laurie crying and trying to hide it. She's just like her mother; even though it makes me so sad that she thinks she has to keep her feelings to herself, I do exactly the same thing.
"And I'm glad Grandma baked the apple pie," Laurie giggles.
"Mmm you and me both," Derek laughs.
"Mommy, I've decided you need to bake more," Laurie turns and looks at me.
"Oh do I now?" I chuckle.
"Um, you might wanna rethink that, Buddy. Mommy baked me an apple pie once…let's just say tasting that was an experience I will never forget." Derek makes a face.
"Hey, it wasn't that bad!" I laugh. Really though, I thought it was good…but when I baked that pie I was…
"Yeah, that's because you were seven months pregnant and everything tasted good to you…"
He and Laurie laugh together only for a moment before there's a collective silence again, and I can almost hear the snowflakes. My babies. Even though one of them lie safe against me, thinking of her small enough to fit into my arms again makes me indescribably sad as of late. Because my arms weren't meant to hold just one baby; they were meant to hold two, forever.
"Rin would have been so proud of you today, Addie," Derek says, wrapping an arm around Laurie and me and pulling us closer. "I know I am."
"What…what do you mean?" I ask, trying to hold back tears for what feels like the hundredth time today.
"I'm proud of you too, Mommy. I mean…I didn't think you would have wanted to go to Grandma's house today, but you did," Laurie answers. "And you let Susie sit in your lap."
Behind Laurie's head, Derek leans in to kiss my forehead and I wipe a couple of tears that got the better of me.
"But I'm sure…I'm sure she was watching over you today too, baby girl," I say to Laurie, sniffing back more tears. "I swear, you two and Christmas…"
"Mom, we already talked about that this morning," Laurie rolls her eyes.
"Yeah Mom, come on," Derek jokes, and I playfully shove his arm off of me.
"Hey, I never said I didn't love every single minute of it," I whisper, kissing Laurie's temple as she lay on her back.
Suddenly Laurie yawns and turns to snuggle against Derek's chest. I can't say I'm surprised at all that the poor thing is worn out.
"Oh Laurie stop, you're contagious," Derek yawns before kissing Laurie's forehead and wrapping an arm around her and me again.
"But I'm tired, Daddy," she yawns again. "I can't help it."
I chuckle. "Goodnight, sweetheart," I wrap an arm around her middle.
"Merry Christmas," she mumbles into Derek's shirt.
Once Laurie's asleep, I look up at Derek. He's still awake too.
"I really miss her Addie," he whispers to me, eyes glassy. He runs a hand up and down my back. This is the first time he's gotten emotional in front of me all day.
"Honey…" I lean forward slightly, to not disturb Laurie, and kiss him. "I miss her too."
"This might sound crazy but sometimes I think I can really feel her, you know? Like she's still here with us," Derek runs a hand through my hair, careful not to wake Laurie.
"I…I like to think she's always with us in some way," I look down at Laurie's sleeping figure. "Especially today. Derek, I…I'm glad we were together today."
"There's nowhere else I would rather be," his voice breaks. I'm so glad he knows this now.
I place a hand on his cheek. "Merry Christmas, Derek. I love you."
He turns his head to kiss the palm of my hand
"I love you too, Addison."
With one last kiss, we settle down for the night. Arms around one another, and our little girl sandwiched in the middle, I feel as though I could finally fall into a peaceful sleep.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Reviews are always welcome :)