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Please Turn Around
Christian...
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Hours later, exhausted, tear stained and totally head wrecked, I'm still frozen in the same position on the floor. Wallowing, pathetically, I'm lost in thought, tormented and broken, because of my own, selfish stupidity.
Suddenly, Taylor runs into the room shouting into his phone, I welcome the distraction but his face looks pained and angry, very angry. As he hangs up the call, he looks around at my trashed office with a deep scowl, but he doesn't seem very surprised or make any comment.
My eyebrows rise as my eyes widen in silent question, hope evident on my face. Please, please, please, have something for me to go on. I internally beg.
"Sir, we still have nothing" he snaps at me, his tone frustrated. My heart falls heavy and fast, sinking into my churning stomach.
"Tell me everything I've missed" I request, in a small shamed voice. "What's being done to find them?" I ask, but dreading his reply, because I know we have nothing.
I need something to cling to, anything, just something small to give me the slightest chance of finding them and bringing them back home. I need something to focus all of my attention on, something positive, something productive. Until then, I'm in limbo, a tormented, self induced, painful limbo.
"I've called everyone of importance to Ana" Taylor snaps. "No one has heard from her. Welch has checked all train stations, airports, ferries, every local cab company, and we have nothing, Welch has been running facial recognition on every camera available between Kate's place and where her phone was recovered and Sir, there's no sign of them, she's vanished... She's in the wind" he mumbles and my heart stops.
"What about Kate?" I ask desperately, "She must know something, Ana went to her place this morning didn't she? What happened?"
"Sawyer, escorted Ana into the underground car park and left her there as per every visit, he's been back to the apartment building since and questioned everyone who was in the building this morning, he and Ryan, have also been to the diner where her laptop and phone where found in a Dumpster, they have spoken to everyone at the scene, speaking directly to staff and calling on local residents and businesses in the surrounding area, but no one has seen her or spoken to her" he reports efficiently, his voice deadpan.
"Kate must know something, if Ana entered the building she must have seen her, surely" I state desperately, clutching at straws, no matter how small. Taylor shakes his head slowly, and the dread in my stomach twists and rolls.
"Kate received a text early this morning from Ana, canceling their time together, so Kate went straight to work without seeing her, she knows nothing" Taylor explains.
"What about her offi.." I ask, but Taylor cuts me off by shaking his head slowly once again. A look of something flashes across his face before he answers, but I can't read it.
"Ana has been nowhere near GP today Sir, it looks like she left Kate's building as soon as Sawyer left her there" I feel my eyes widen and my head begins to shake slowly in denial, "Sir, for Ana to get to the other side of town and dump her things, before we were even aware of what was going on, she had to have planned this... She knew the time of the reveal to us this morning, she asked Gail to present you with her gift... At exactly 8am Sir, she..."
"Ana wouldn't do that" I state off handedly cutting him off, my voice trembling. "She's angry, she's avoiding me... That's all... She'll be back in a few days once she's thought things through" I state unconvincingly, as even I hear the panic in my voice, but I'm desperately hoping that my words are true.
My head falls back into my hands that are resting on my knees, and my back pains sharply at the sudden movement. Closing my eyes tight, I try to shut it all out.
I don't want to believe that Ana could really have done this. I don't want to admit it to myself, even for a second, that this could be it, that Ana's so angry with me that she's not coming back. Could she really be gone? Could it really be over? Have I really lost them both?
"Sir, Ana thought this through" Taylor states knowingly, his tone convinced.
"No, she wou..." I mumble, even though I know in my gut that he's right.
"Sir" Taylor snaps impatiently. "Ana... Has also sold her Saab and visited a few of your shared safety deposit boxes recently, she..."
"No.. She..." I utter breathlessly. Devastation rushing through me.
"Sir" Taylor states quietly, and his tone catches my attention. I reluctantly lift my eyes to his. The strange look from earlier is back on his face and I cringe with dread, as I know this can't be good. "Sir, Ana, has even sold... Grey Publishing" Taylor utters, his voice giving away his disbelief and awe.
"What?... She sold her company?... Her cars... How?..." my voice tapers off as the proof mounts, she really did plan this and she really has severed every connection to me... Deliberately.
She can't leave me... She can't. We need to talk about this, we need...
"She planned this Sir, we have to face that fact, and truthfully, I don't think she did it alone either" Taylors voice rings out with conviction. Confirming my fears.
"It's been five days since you little outing with... Miss Lowell" Taylor says, disdain clearly on his face, and in his tone. "For Ana to do all of this, to get all of this organized and in such a short amount of time, she had to of had some type of help, she has covered herself well Sir, too well... We have nothing to go on and she knows it too, with no car, no phone, no traces at all of her movements..." I tune Taylor out with the screaming in my head.
What the fuck what have I done?
What am I supposed to do now?
She can't have gone... She can't... What about my son?
"We have to do something... Teddy..." I mumble to myself.
"Sir..."
"Go, get out, I need to think" I mutter harshly, not wanting or needing Taylor's presence any longer.
"Sir, we need you"
"I need to think" I state sharply, "Go, " I snap loudly and Taylor turns on his heel and leaves.
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As the hours pass and the sun sets completely, I feel the rigidity and cold that has seeped, deep into my bones. I have been sitting in the same position for almost 12 hours now and my body is finally begging for some type of reprieve with movement.
My head has been churning and dredging over everything, and I know it's a lost cause. Without some type of sighting, or clue to their whereabouts, we have nothing. I don't know where to start looking for her. I don't know what to do.
I still don't want to move, I want to remain frozen and hidden within my own tormented head, I'm still too scared to face what is outside that door... Or rather what isn't.
To know that Ana and Teddy are not safe within the walls of the house, is something I don't want to face. Ever. Never mind right now, but I must, I must get up and face this. I have to. No matter how much I know this is going to hurt.
Rising to my feet stiffly, I stretch my body to pull out some of the kinks. I reluctantly leave the safe confines of my office and follow the irate voices into the kitchen. Taylor has guys mulling around everywhere, they're screaming into phones, and at each other. Each logged on to computers, all doing different things, hopefully chasing up different leads.
I notice Gail's red puffy eyes and her warm, compassionate smile my way as I enter the room. I turn away quickly, shame rippling through me, I don't deserve her pity or her sympathy. What she must think of me...
Out the corner of my eye, I see her lay a plate of freshly made sandwiches onto the counter before leaving the room and I head over automatically, my stomach growls as I approach, complaining loudly because I haven't eaten anything since breakfast.
Grabbing and quickly eating a sandwich or two, I glance around the room and take notice of Taylor's anger and frustration. There is no point in asking him if we have anything to go on, as I know that there has been no progress, because his face says it all. I feel a cold chill run up my spine as my body slumps in defeat.
Suddenly, the door slams open and Sawyer storms purposefully into the room. I take a deep, hopeful breath and a step towards him. Sawyer's eyes scan the room eagerly until they land on mine and his face is livid. He's virtually snarling and looking at me with pure hatred.
"Anything Sawyer?" I ask urgently, ignoring his ire.
"Grey, you lousy..." Sawyer snarls at me loudly, his eyes blazing.
"Sawyer" Taylor reprimands in a loud voice, but Sawyer isn't fazed. He storms across the room towards me and gets right up close to me, his chest heaves and his anger is obvious.
"I can't believe you would do this to her, you piece of crap" he spits his words into my face.
"Sawyer, it's not what you think" I mutter, taking a step back, automatically trying to explain myself, even though I can't be surprised by his reaction, he was close to Ana.
"Don't give me any of your bullshit Grey, I don't want to hear it" he growls at me.
I notice his fists clench tightly and his posture hardens, his angry eyes burn into mine spitefully. I hold my ground, painfully aware of deserving his hatred and accepting his anger. What could I possibly say to him?
"I've been running around all bastard day, trying to find her for you, just thinking she was upset because you blew her out yesterday, and all along... All along, you've been screwing around on her... How could you do that to her?... You..." his anger gets the better of him and before I even see it coming, his fist flies and hits me like a wrecking ball on the side of the jaw. I swing sideways with the force of the blow and fall to the floor in a heap, far too emotionally and physically drained to even try and defend myself.
I remain on the floor and I perversely welcome the blow, I deserve it. It honestly feels good to feel something other than heartbreak for a minute, but the pain in my face doesn't even begin to erase the desperate burning of loss within my chest.
Sawyer's eyes burn with hatred as he steps closer and leans over me. He grabs hold of my shirt collar roughly and pulls me up into more of a sitting position, his fist lifts again. I lift my chin and make no attempt to protect myself, I deserve this beating... I want this beating.
Taylor and Ryan speed across the room towards us and taking Sawyer by the arms, they drag him off and away from me. I slump back onto the floor. Utterly deflated.
"Sawyer, it's not what you..." I mumble, but Sawyers loud, angry voice cuts me off.
"I don't want to hear it you fucker" he snarls at me.
"Sawyer..." Taylor snaps.
Sawyer turns in his arms pulling himself free and snarls at him. "Don't you dare, Sawyer me, you prick, you're just as bad as he is, you must have known all this shit was going on, you just sat back and .. Fuck it, fuck it all... I quit" Sawyer states loudly, his angry words echoing around the room. I notice the look of shock on Taylor's face as he freezes, and the panic begins to creep in.
"I'm not staying here to help you find her, you don't fucking deserve her" Sawyer screams at me before I can even beg him to reconsider. He stepping towards me once again and Taylor and Ryan take hold of him firmly, quickly pulling him back towards the door.
"If I'd known what she was planning, what she was doing, I'd of fucking helped her get away from you, I'd have fucking gone with her... You, you lousy selfish fucker, you don't deserve them, not for a minute, she's better off without you" he continues to scream obscenities at me as Taylor and Ryan drag him from the room.
The room falls deathly silent as the door slams shut behind them and I remain frozen on the floor, I'm far too stunned and emotionally drained to move. Sawyer's words ring painfully true, vibrating and confirming my own thoughts, that admittedly have been swimming around in my head all day. I have no defense for him, or even the rite to be angry. He spoke nothing but the truth.
I am a lousy fucker... I don't deserve them... She is better off without me... And even though it hurts like hell to consider that she's gone... I too... Wish that Sawyer was with her. At least then, I would know that she was safe... That Teddy was safe.
Glancing around the room, I notice the half a dozen stunned faces of the security team. Their eyes are on me and I feel shame burn and anger rise, I contemplate ripping the room to bits but the burning shame wins out. Picking myself up off the floor unaided, I head quickly out of the room.
I keep my eyes low as I walk through the house to the bedroom, unsuccessfully avoiding the tight eyes and shocked expression of Gail along the way. Once I'm safely cocooned in the bedroom, I strip off my suit and leave it where it falls. I head for the clothes hamper in the bathroom and pull out an old T-shirt of mine that Ana wore the other night to sleep in, and I quickly pull it over my head. Her comforting, familiar scent fills my nostrils, but it doesn't help. It torments.
Falling onto the bed heavily, I just try to breath around the rock that has taken residence in my tightening chest. I roll onto my back, taking deep breaths and just stare at the ceiling blindly. I know sleep will not come tonight, no matter how exhausted I am, and I'm thankful for that though, as I dread to think what the night will bring... Once I do close my eyes.
It's been fifteen hours, fifteen hours since Ana drove away and the house seems so lonely, so still and empty without her, without them. Being in this bed alone is torture, it feels so big, so cold, so... Final.
The thought of not being able to find them and bring them back home is heartbreaking, and I can feel it consuming me. I can feel the tightening in my chest begin to claw its way up to my throat, and the pain starts to obstruct my breathing as my eyes burn.
I prepare myself for the onslaught of pain that I know is coming, by rolling and curling up into a tight fetal position on Ana's side of the bed. I pull Ana's pillow tightly into my arms and bury my face deep into it, breathing deeply, my stinging eyes finally close.
As I let the truth of the day sink in and begin to feel my world crumble around me, I realize that nothing matters, nothing really matters at all now. Without Ana and my son, I feel nothing but loss and excruciating pain. I love them both so much, I was so blind, so foolishly delusional to ever risk them. But I did...
I lay perfectly still as my mind races. Where do I go from here? What do I do without them? Will I never see them again? Where in the hell are they? I need them, I need them here.
Filled with frustration, I lift my hand to swipe a tear from my damp cheek and I realize painfully, that I still have hold of Ana's wedding rings. They're clenched tightly in my numbing fist. I prise my stiff hand open slowly and take hold of the tiny rings with my finger and thumb.
As I stare at the symbol of our marriage that was always meant to be hers, I feel the tightening in my chest become unbearable. It creeps up my neck as I push Ana's small rings onto my little finger and I can't hold it in anymore.
As a loud sob leaves my contorted throat, I allow my heavy tears to freely fall. I bury my face deep into Ana's pillow, clinging to her sweet scent and when it hits me and I realize that's all I have left, I can do nothing, but let the pain come crashing in.
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A/N Thank you for reading. I will post again soon.