Author Note – sorry it's been a while since I updated this story. This chapter is short compared to previous ones because of the long delay. Any feedback is much appreciated, thank you all for still reading.
Special thanks goes to my fabulous beta Black' Victor Cachat.
Rooftop Conversations – chapter eleven
Natasha stands atop of the apartment building they just raided.
Well, apartment building is a loose term; she means the living quarters on the military base that had been overrun by HYDRA agents. The residents, were families of the five scientists HYDRA abducted to adapt some of the technology left behind by the Chitauri. They were being used as an incentive; wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, children.
Natasha's blood starts pumping at the mere thought of it. She glances down at the former captives, scattered in the bases' yard, receiving treatment from the Relief Foundation's medical team for whatever injuries they sustained either during their rescue or their captivity. Considering the scale of the fight, they were lucky they didn't lose any of the hostages in the fighting, as the HYDRA agents refused to surrender.
The rubble has been cleared away, and the burning cars have been extinguished. It was a war zone, easily one of the worst sites they've seen. Stark's recently devised Relief Foundation arrived shortly after the military collected the restrained HYDRA agents to start tending the wounded. Natasha retreated to the roofs to oversee the scene while most of her team retreated to the Quinjet on the ground.
"The Tower is going to get jealous if you keep cheating on its' roof," Stark says from behind her. He stops beside her, taking in the seen. She can sense his stoic front, his barrier between him and suffering. "You alright?"
"Just keeping watch," Natasha replies, her eyes still on Bruce as he runs a hand through his dusty hair.
"Isn't that Barton's job?"
Natasha shrugs. Clint is usually good at keeping out of the line of fire from wherever he decides to perch himself, except this time one of the HYDRA agents decided to try and sneak up on him and the Hulk noticed. In a quick motion the Big Guy leaped above Clint to swat the man into the side of one of the chimneys with such force a large cluster of the ricocheting rubble hit Clint on the side of the head. He's currently nursing his concussion in the back of the Quinjet.
She appraises Stark quickly without answering him. "He's in his element," she replies with a nod at their mutual friend standing in the midst of the casualties, deflecting without an ounce of subtlety. Bruce kneels in front of a woman and her young son, bandaging the bloody wound on the kids' arm. Natasha supresses a smile at the sight of him dressed in a new T-shirt and sweats smiling at the story the kid is telling him. Despite being bewildered after transforming a short time ago he's still working to help the people they rescued.
"Sometimes I think he's more connected to them than any of us," Stark muses.
Stark's right. Not that she'd tell him, she simply resents the thought of giving him the satisfaction. His ego is huge as it is without validation from her. Not that he hasn't had his fair share of humbling experiences, usually life-threatening, like his kidnapping. People to overlook these situations because of his animated personality which he uses to deflect people from realising the impact these events have had on him, herself included she notes.
Bruce is different. He sees and acknowledges the good Tony does, has done for him and others. Though Stark usually prefers to fund groups like the Relief Foundation, his vast wealth giving him some distance from being directly involved, Bruce likes to be hands on with the suffering. Natasha suspects he was Starks' inspiration for the medical and ground support. Natasha once overheard them discussing the Iron Legion and how they could pick up the slack, but Bruce steadfastly countered that while a robot is capable of many things, it will never be able to provide the same nurturing another human can, people aren't ready for it especially in situations where they are likely to be in shock.
"He always has been," Natasha replies. Out of all of them Bruce is probably the most humane. He has a better understanding of what it means to be a normal person and an Avenger, as he's both. If Clint weren't so paranoid, she'd describe him the same way. Bruce is less enamoured by his role as an Avenger as he isn't aware of the experience like the rest of them. He'll never get used to the way the Hulk operates, yet after years of self-imposed isolation he's often struck by the need to reconnect with humanity despite his fear of hurting others. Just like he was doing in Calcutta when she found him, inspiring her to bait him with a little girl asking for him to help her family. "He needs this side of the job more than us."
"Yeah, it's hard to watch and accept, so we let others deal with the aftermath."
For the rest of them, the aftermath is particularly difficult. The public is scrutinising them closely with their missions becoming both more frequent, and a tendency to become increasing more volatile, causing more damage to public property than they intended. They can handle the people who criticise, they can justify the means if need be in a debrief or a public or news conference so their reasoning reaches the public unfettered by the government.
Praise is harder to accept. None of them signed up to become celebrities; Stark already was one and Thor was already stuff of legend and therefore know how to deal with such scrutiny. Steve views this as a duty which everyone should partake in, and no one should receive praise for doing the right thing. Natasha doesn't feel like she deserves it, her ledger is still bursting at the seams. Bruce would never take it. Clint prefers anonymity, first and foremost to protect his family, secondly, it's difficult to do a covert mission if your face is splashed across the front pages of the tabloids. Praise is a difficult concept for them, as they each have their own individual motivations, so they shelter themselves from this attention.
"Their fight doesn't end when ours does Stark," Natasha reminds him.
Once the team flies away on the Quinjet, the civilians have so much more to deal with. Hospital stays, rebuilding themselves and their homes, finding new ones in some cases. That doesn't include the psychological damage which has been done. Bruce understands that better than any of them, which means that no matter what trauma he experiences during his transformation, he's not going to stand idly by as people are hurt and need help.
"This is why this is so important to him; he's only ever known the aftermath with the Hulk. It's what he embraces." Stark insists. "Only problem is adults are too gung-ho when it comes to the Big Guy to let Banner help them. Kids don't have that problem."
"Kids are more honest, they see the good in people when people can't see it in themselves," Natasha says thinking of her niece and nephew who are the only two can truly make her feel better about herself.
"First channelling the Hulk, now you're a regular Mary Poppins," Stark states. "Much experience with kids, Red?" The sharp reminder of the family which was taken from her is quashed by a flash in her mind of her niece and nephew and the sonogram of the soon to be newest member of the Barton clan. She still glares at him for good measure. "Sorry," he apologises as he realises there's more pain behind the glare than he knows, and he manages to demonstrate some sensibility by not asking her about it. "I also owe you an apology for what I said at the warehouse."
"You don't owe me anything Stark, no matter what you said, you did it for the right reasons. You were looking out for him, and I can appreciate that. We're good," she adds amiably.
"What's it like for you? The Lullaby?" Stark asks. Natasha raises her eyebrows at him. So, he does what he does best and keeps talking. "Well, we know what effect your Lullaby has on him, pretty damn physically obvious, but I am wondering how it affects you."
Her mind is still reeling from the latest successful Lullaby, having taken place less than an hour ago. The experience itself feels like an echo, and she's the cause of the ripples. All of her senses are heightened; his breathing is so acute in her ear, keenly listening for any changes to his grunts; her fingers tingle as they slide over his smoothly skin; her eyes bore into his, waiting for the flecks of brown to reappear; the coiling tension in the pit of her stomach as she watches his body convulse, his skin lightening to a fleshy hue. The heady sensation doesn't leave her for a while after, during which time she prefers to be close to Bruce.
"Why do you want to know?" She's not going to share the experience with Stark.
"You're up here watching him while he's down there tending to the people we just rescued," Stark answers. "I never would have imagined you and he would—"
"What?" Natasha cuts in defensively.
Stark has the audacity to laugh. "As far as I figure, you have one helluva crush on the big guy and his green alter ego, but I can't seem to figure out why. I first thought you and Barton were a thing, except, I don't know, something was amiss. Then I thought Cap – maybe – but he's wound too tight for you." He's speaking out loud and she's mildly offended that he's scrutinised her relationships so closely. Then again, given his suspicious tendencies and how they first met when she was assigned to him by Fury, she would be worried if he didn't try to figure out her intricate interactions. "Guess my Science Bro has more game than any of us give him credit for."
Natasha offers a half a smile at that, mellowing with a sigh, grateful the conversation has circled back to Bruce. "That, he does," she confirms. "You don't have to worry, it's nothing to do with the Lullaby."
"Let me be the judge of that," Stark replies. "Come on, who else is going to listen to girl talk?"
"You think I'm a girl who talks?" Natasha teases. Clearly the man has forgotten the Red Room's extensive interrogation training.
"I don't know, I keep having this recurring vision of you and Hill at the SHIELD gym, side-by-side on the treadmills in skimpy—"
"Finish that thought and I'm snitching to Pepper," she warns.
"Duly noted," Stark agrees. "All I'm saying, is it's good to share, or so I've been told, and out those closest to you geographically there is a restricted number of people you can talk to about this. Barton, now forgive me for insulting your best friend, doesn't have clue—"
"His experience with dating is fairly limited," Natasha adds, thinking of her best friends' wife. Clint is insightful when it comes to seeing the good in people and their true intentions when they can't see it in themselves. He doesn't look for their interest in others unless it is furtive; genuine regard and affection seem to dip below his radar.
"I knew all that James Bond, clandestine, spy appeal is a crock," the billionaire mutters shaking his head. "I'm getting side tracked. Capsicle will probably give you a lecture on fraternizing."
Natasha thinks not considering the regrets Steve carries regarding Peggy Carter, which he continues to tortures himself with by visiting the SHIELD's ailing founding agent.
"What about Thor? He seems like a romantic," the former assassin offers instead.
"Pft, can you image how that conversation would go?" Stark scoffs. He deepens his voice and lays the accent on thickly, "On Asgard, prima nocta—"
"It started with dinner," she says before he can insult their ally and friend who could by some chance hear him. "Like most people."
"We're not most people."
"No," Natasha sighs half-heartedly. "But it was a nice start." Starks stares at her, obviously expecting more than a cryptic assessment to appease him. "He kept apologising for what happened on the Helicarrier, and I suggested he take me to dinner."
"You're our resident femme fatal, he's our geek with a dark sense of humour and a rage problem; that's not the usual narrative. You're not playing by the rules of girl talk Romanoff!" He insists.
"Why does it feel like you're trying to turn me into Rhodey?" Natasha replies under her breath.
"That's nothing to sniff at Red," Tony warns jokingly, wagging his finger at her. "Come on, details?" He tries again.
"Coulson sent me to bring in a supposedly skittish scientist who had a handle on his epic anger issues, and the guy ended up turning the tables on me," she shrugs. "I was intrigued."
"I gather it was rather effective if it got you of all people to ask him on a date," Stark snickers.
"He has more skills to offer than just smashing."
"Obviously some carnal ones you are eagerly testing," Stark concurs. "And you're commandeering a lot of Stark roof accesses to do so."
Natasha actually smirks, she's not going to correct him. She and Bruce haven't done anything besides kiss. That doesn't mean that one day they won't progress beyond that. Natasha is letting him set the pace of the physical side, despite his new found control he's still weary of transforming during intimate moments. She knows he will never hurt her even if he doesn't. With help and patience, his confidence in his control will grow.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do after we find the sceptre?" Natasha looks at him curiously. "That is the objective of what we're doing here. I mean this in the best possible way but Fury's not around to pull your strings anymore."
She quirks an eyebrow at that, wondering what her former boss would make of her indecision if he ever got a whiff of it. Would Fury even care enough to resurface to haunt their lives again? If he said 'jump' would she say 'how high?'. Her rose tinted view of Fury was shattered when he kept her out of his circle after his 'death'. She'll be forever grateful that he believes in her when others don't, but she won't follow him blindly again even if she wants to seek his guidance over the changes she is contemplating. No doubt his advice would me enigmatic and cryptic and force her to make her own decisions.
"Are you willing to settle for a civilian life? A regular nine till five?"
"That's a little deep for a conversation between me and you Stark," Natasha replies tightly. "I don't want to set a precedent for the future."
"I think that's the nicest way you could tell me to mind my own business without death threats; we're mellowing Red – we should celebrate," he deadpans. Her eyes roll out of habit, now a conditioned response to most of his jokes. Her hand twitches too, but she's long since been able to hone her urge to render him unconscious for years. "Don't dismiss it just yet Red, I have some good grey goose in the freezer behind the bar back at the Tower, we'll have a party."
"Remember the last time we partied together?" she stares at him.
"I remember a leopard print dress," he reminisces then notices her cocked eyebrow and balks, "So, no party." A beat. "I just," he grimaces and looks at Bruce. "Mostly I wonder where he factors into your plans, if you have any for when we're done with HYDRA and Loki's sceptre."
"I don't think about the future," Natasha admits. Her passing thoughts aside, Bruce mentioned a vacation, and that is fine. That's less definite than the plans Stark is asking her about. And her future has never been definite.
"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't have time to," Stark ponders it for a second. "Maybe you should, we've all spent far too much time dwelling on the past and our present adventure is rapidly drawing to a close."
"We haven't talked about what's happening between us, and I don't know where I factor into his future," she muses, knowing that's why neither of them has labelled their relationship or publicly acknowledged it beyond their private conversations with Stark. Labels mean expectations and rules which neither of them is able to commit to.
"Avoiding that conversation probably makes you more normal than you realise. And while I suspect both of you are willing to continue canoodling in oblivious bliss, you've got to admit whatever this is between you is important enough for you both to act upon."
There was a time when Natasha would've ignored her attraction to Bruce, avoided it at all costs. Her life back then didn't allow for anything except the job. She's never experienced anything quite like her relationship with Bruce. Defining it is difficult for her; she's fine with the physical intimacy, Bruce is a skilled kisser who is attentive yet sets a leisurely pace to the few times they've indulged in more than a single kiss. Her body enjoys the feel of him pressed against her.
It's the emotional cost that worries her. The foundation of their friendship is rooted in the raw honesty they fostered during their early conversations after she first moved into the Tower. When she felt lost and craved the trust of those around her to the point where she revealed more than she normally would and they quickly evolved past confidants into something more. Any other person would say her grief caused her to open up to someone, and part of her would agree but it didn't have to be Bruce. It could've easily been Steve who was with her when she discovered Fury's deception, when she was still in shock from losing her mentor.
It wasn't though, it was Bruce, the dorky scientist. Someone who knows what it's like to have something dark and dangerous inside, always trying to find a way to claw out.
His words, not hers.
As far as she's concerned, deep down, the Big Guy is all fluff.
The connection she feels with Bruce and the Hulk is strengthening each time she performs the lullaby, as they've taken to calling it. Bruce is attracted to her; the signs were there before they went to dinner and their first kiss but she doesn't know if he feels the connection like she does or if it's the Hulk who feels the effect of the lullaby. She would rather wait till the time was right for them to discuss it, at least until after they find the sceptre.
Their fight against HYDRA and clearing up the residual Chitauri weapons and technology has been a steady battle, the information flowing through Hill and her sources she refuses to reveal to the Avengers is more reliable than their first mission after the fall of SHIELD. As much as she feels the loss of SHIELD's daily presence in her life, she likes the Avengers' dynamic as it is now. It's made the transition easier.
Natasha sees the shift, HYDRA is fighting back but their agents are getting desperate. She's not going to proclaim a definitive end to the struggle yet, though there will hopefully come a day where it can be managed by the military without the Avengers oversight. She's not going to refuse the call if something else arises in the future, that's not who she is.
"Have no fear Romanoff, I'm not going to meddle – too much. And if I do my reasons for doing so are purely selfish."
"You want him to stay close," Natasha says knowingly, rolling her eyes. Bruce cares about Stark and vice versa.
"Damn right I do, who else can say Bruce Banner is their lab partner?"
"Helen Cho?" Natasha provides helpfully to which he grasps his chest with an intake of breath in indignation.
"He's cheating on me?" Natasha bites her lip. He drops the act with a grimace. "Look, I'm just spit balling here. Feel free to shoot me down, not literally mind," Stark adds, holding up a finger to admonish her when that piques her interest. "I started the Relief Foundation to help with the clean-up, organise medical treatment, oversee rebuilds if necessary, make sure people are housed in the meantime. They've managed to navigate around us when we haven't been able to avoid collateral damage."
"Sometimes it's par for the course."
"Especially when HYDRA is already holding said civilians to ransom," Stark concurs. "I was thinking of expanding the relief foundations' objective to natural disasters, getting aid to anyone who needs it."
"Sounds like a solid idea," Natasha agrees already getting a sense of where Stark is going with this. It's not a massive intuitive leap with the questions he's been asking.
"Well I've been thinking about the logistics," Iron Man says in a voice which Natasha has learnt to be wary of. "Wait – did you just say I was right?"
"Did I use those exact words? No," she replies sharply with flash of her eyes, urging him to get on with it.
"Anyway, there's a lot to consider, I need someone to lead it – someone organised, tenacious, experience with hostile situations – I want their safety assured if they have to be deployed in an area where the local warlord has a monopoly on the protection racket as we'll be on their turf and making a dent in their main income-, and knowledge of Stark Industries. I had this great assistant once who would be perfect, named Natalie…"
Natasha rolls her eyes. "Where does Bruce fit into that plan if you want him in lab?"
"This isn't about what I want, this is about him, and while he'll always be welcome at any of the research facilities, Bruce wants to help people because he believes he has to even the score somehow. Take your time, I don't need an answer right away."
"I appreciate the offer Stark, but why-," she starts except he interrupts.
"You're good for him," he explains to her unspoken question.
Natasha stares down at the topic of their conversation only to find him looking back at her with nothing except dubious concern. Considering her last real conversation with Stark, she can't really blame Bruce. She offers him a hint of a lip quirk which must allay his concern because his expression softens a little before he squints at them in either suspicion or confusion. The quirk widens and she's rewarded with a blush; she can still affect him at this distance.
"Why do I feel like you two are conspiring against me?" He calls up to them as he moves to the front of the building.
"It's a fair assumption," Stark replies. Natasha remains impassive to the exchange.
"Fair enough," Bruce returns with a carefree shrug. He squints a little at the angle he has to crane his neck. "We're not taking off yet, are we?" He gestures to the remaining injured who still require on site treatment; those with severe injuries had already been airlifted to the nearest US base for treatment they can't provide in the field. There is so many waiting to be seen or relocated, Natasha realises.
"Take the time you need Buddy," Stark tells him. "We're not going anywhere without you."
Bruce nods and looks between them once again but seems to dismiss his suspicions over their proximity and their conversation. With one last glance at Natasha – conveying concern, support and consolation in one lingering look– he walks backwards off the curb before turning on his heel and returning to the wounded.
Once Bruce is out of ear shot, Stark continues from where they left off before they were interrupted. "I'm not going to push you to make a commitment because that's going to send both of you running for the hills, just think about the offer."
"I can't make that decision for him," she says allowing her doubts to show.
"It's always going to be hard for him to let himself be happy. He's never going to take the initiative to make that decision, you've got to guide him. It's scary to make the first move, believe me," he breathes out disbelievingly. "But when you do, you get to reap the rewards of that move, like inner peace or something – I'm not sure if that's the best description but it's not like anything I've ever felt," Stark adds. "Look, you two could dance around each other but neither of you take this kind of relationship lightly. Both of you have the kind of history where someone will emerge and you're going to have to decide whether you run away from it or run with it."
It's a novel idea, very thoughtful and kind but not as simple as Stark is describing. It could work and there is no doubt that Bruce would enjoy the chance to help people. She would find it fulfilling in terms of wiping out her ledger. The only doubts she has are the ones concerning their relationship. She doesn't know if it's too soon to make such a commitment, doesn't know how to determine that either. Thinking about Starks' advice she knows she'll never run away from him.
While she can't make this life altering kind of decision for Bruce, she can ask if he wants to run with it. With her.