Moonstone Cowboy

Rated: M to M+ depending on the chapter. It's not too bad really, but better safe than sorry.

Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all related characters of course belong to Noel and Julian, Dave and Rich and Mike. We love them and we hope they don't mind us messing with them in some very peculiar ways. No money is being made from this effort.

Comment: I just wanted to quickly say a big thank you to anybody out there who's read this and is still keen for more. I really appreciate it. x

Moonstone Cowboy

Day 3 Part 3

Having easily found the main path up to the cemetery Vince reaches the top of the climb and looks around him. The trail seems to end at wooden gate in front of which sits a weasely-looking man behind a table and a couple of large crates. Vince looks to the left and the right of him, his eyes tracing what appears to be a fence in both directions. Behind the fence he can make out headstones. It's very confusing to him.

Vince makes his way gingerly toward the man. He notices as he nears that the man appears to be whittling something.

"Excuse me."

"Yup?"

The man doesn't look up.

"Umm, I was wondering if you could tell me if Sheriff Moon's visited the cemetery today?"

The man still doesn't look up but a slight pause in his carving alerts Vince to the fact that this man knows something.

"Nope."

Vince decides to try a different tact.

"Are you sure because Mayor Bainbridge just told me that he was up here."

The man finally looks up at the mention of his the mayor's name, and then does a sort of double-take as he absorbs the sight of Vince standing before him.

"The Mayor told you?"

"Well yeah, at least he told me to look up here."

"Oh right."

Vince notices the man keeps looking shiftily at one of the crates.

"So?"

"Umm. Well you might want to go that way maybe."

The man points to his left.

"Not sure if he's there or not. Might be. Sometimes he is, sometimes he ain't."

"Cheers. I'll take a look"

Vince sees the man again glance at the crate, but he's not got time to worry about that now. All he wants to do is find Howard and get back to the much better plan of having a good breakfast.

He walks in the direction the man suggests. What on earth the fence is about is anyone's guess. Seems you have to pay to enter the cemetery. Vince shakes his head. 'That can't be right can it?' he thinks to himself.

He walks quite a way lost in his own thoughts. He doesn't hear his name being called at first.

"Vince."

Vince stops. He looks around but can't see the source of the voice.

"Howard. Is that you?"

"Vince. Help."

"Howard where are you? I can't see you."

"Help."

"Howard!"

Vince suddenly spots him lying half in and half out of a particularly large patch of tall grass.

"Howard, shit, what happened?"

Vince dives to Howard's side as the sheriff starts to sit up.

"Whoa there big guy. Take it easy yeah. Shit Howard, can you hear me alright? Just lay still a minute, let me take a look at you."

Howard pushes Vince's hands away but his head is lolling about and his gaze is unsteady. Vince grabs both of his shoulders in a firm grip and pushes against him in order to get Howard to lie back down.

"Please, stay put will you Howard."

"I'm alright Vince, I'm alright."

"You're not alright Howard. You've got a nasty cut on your head and your eyes are all over the place."

Vince takes off his poncho and folds it into a makeshift pillow which he tucks beneath Howard's head.

"Vince I'm OK. Don't fuss."

"Howard please, I'm not fussing. Just lie still for a bit yeah. I won't touch you. I'll just sit here with you, just till you feel a bit better."

A couple of minutes pass in quiet, Howard with his eyes closed trying to take control of the spinning in his head, Vince sat right next to him desperately worried and wanting to take a closer look at that cut.

Howard opens his eyes.

"Thanks Vince."

"It's OK Howard. Somebody's done a right number on your noggin' ain't they? Can I have a quick look?"

Howard gives a tiny nod of the head and Vince gently searches through his hair till he finds the gash.

"Someone clocked you alright. Looks like it's stopped bleeding though. Who did this Howard?"

Howard closes his eyes again.

"Bainbridge."

"Bainbridge? What, with his own hands?"

"Yes."

"Well let's go and arrest him then."

"We can't Vince. We've got no proof."

"But you're the Sheriff. Surely your word is proof."

"Not against the Mayor Vince. The Mayor who can get half of this town to be his alibi and force the other half to keep quiet."

"This is ridiculous Howard. He can't get away with beating you up. This is just stupid."

"I told you he was dangerous didn't I."

Howard starts to sit up but winces as a sharp pain floods through him. He wraps his arm around his mid-section.

"Howard, you alright?"

"Yeah, took a couple to the guts too."

"Do you reckon you'll be able to walk? I'd really like to get you home and cleaned up."

"There's a trail down behind us here. There's a few snaking down this hill. It's pretty steep this one though."

"I think we should walk back around to the main path then Howard. It'll probably be easier going in the long run."

"If you don't mind me using you as a crutch then I might just manage it."

Howard makes to stand but promptly falls back on his rear as the dizziness overpowers him.

"Shit."

"It's OK Howard. Nice and slow yeah."

Howard raises himself again, this time allowing Vince to support him and prop him up. He gets to his feet, bent over double and leaning heavily across Vince's shoulders.

Vince grabs his poncho, tucks it into the back of his trousers and sets himself below Howard's weight. He wraps one arm as far as he can around the sheriff's waist and grabs Howard's hand with the other. He gives it an affectionate squeeze.

"You ready then Howard? Just one foot in front of the other, OK? Little by little. If you need to stop we stop."

"Yeah, I'm ready little man."

They start to walk back towards the gate and the path to town. Vince keeps glancing up at Howard, trying to ascertain just how much pain he's in and trying to preempt any difficulty. After thirty or so metres Howard starts to move a little easier. The dizziness passes and the muscles in his stomach settle to the rhythm of their steps. He tries to straighten slightly, wanting to lift some of his weight off of Vince's shoulders, but the younger man simply pulls him back down with a stern "No!"

They walk in silence for a few more paces, Howard concentrating on his breathing, Vince concentrating on not stumbling.

A few more steps.

"Howard."

"Mmmm?"

"Do you mind if I ask you another quick question?"

"Sure."

Vince pauses.

"Umm. Where are your clothes?"

Howard stops walking and looks down at himself. He can't believe he hadn't even noticed. Where are his trousers? He pulls at the vest he is wearing and it dawns on him that he's only in his underwear. Pants and vest. Oh and boots. Pants, vest and boots.

"What the hell?"

"You've only just realised?"

"Where are my clothes?"

"I dunno Howard. That's why I was asking you."

"But, Bainbridge…surely not?"

"Why would he strip you?"

"He wouldn't. It's not his style."

The two men look at each other for a moment, frowns on both of their faces. Suddenly Howard starts patting at his chest just above his heart.

"No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

"Howard, what is it?"

Howard roars and lurches forward as if to start running down the slope. Vince flings his arms tightly around him and puts his shoulder into Howard's in an effort to stop him from running anywhere. Howard's arms are flailing and he knocks Vince's hat off. Vince has to duck to keep from being whacked in the face.

"Howard stop! Please, stop, stop!"

"Tommy's cheese-wire Vince. They've taken Tommy's wire."

Howard lunges forward again, and again Vince uses all his strength to stop him.

"Please Howard. You're gonna hurt yourself some more. We'll get it back I promise. I'll get it back!"

"Why have I got no clothes on Vince?"

Howard practically screams this into Vince's face. Vince starts to shake his head when suddenly he remembers the weasely man.

"The crate Howard!"

"What?"

"The crate. The geezer at the gate to the graveyard was well shifty. I knew something was off about him. There was this crate…quick Howard. Can you move a little faster?"

"Damn straight I can."

Howard moves surprisingly fast for a big man, especially a big man that's just had the shit kicked out of him, but it's no surprise that it's Vince that reaches the gate first. He skids to a stop in front of the now empty chair where the weasel-man had previously been sitting, and throws his hands in the air.

"He's gone Howard."

Howard catches up to Vince and stands alongside him, hands on knees and panting heavily.

Vince walks over to the table and picks up an object lying there. It's the whittled wood the man was crafting earlier. Vince can't tell what it's meant to be. He repeats,

"He's gone Howard."

Howard reaches out and takes the piece of wood from Vince's hands. He turns it over in his own.

"Lance Parrot."

"Who?"

"Lance Parrot. He's a kind of nobody. Lived here years but pretty much works for Bainbridge now. It's not his fault really, he's got like a squillion kids to feed. Probably stole my clothes to make new ones for them."

"Well we've obviously scared him off Howard."

"Yeah, although I can't imagine Bainbridge will be best pleased he's left his post."

Vince shrugs and walks over to the three crates. He bends to look inside the first. Nothing. He pulls at the lid of the second and peers in.

"Howard!"

The sheriff raises his head. Vince is practically diving into the crate and Howard stiffle's a chuckle. Vince looks decidedly comical as he teeters on the edge, legs lifted off the ground, head and shoulders completely inside the box. Then Howard remembers his own appearance.

"Vince. What you doing?"

"I've got it Howard."

"Got what?"

Vince pushes himself back out of the crate and trots towards Howard. Tommy's cheese-wire is dangling from his fingers. Howard stares at him for a moment and then grabs Vince's face with both his hands, planting a huge, strong kiss on the smaller man's lips. He pulls back staring into those precious blue eyes, Vince's face still between his palms.

"You Vince are my good-luck charm."

The electro-kid grins.

"And you Howard are clearly concussed. We need to get you home now."

Howard lets go of Vince's face and nods. They begin the descent down the hill.

Neither say anything for a while, but they keep throwing sideways glances at each other and smiling to themselves. Each man suddenly seems a little shy in the other's company. It's Vince who eventually speaks first.

"You know Howard, you should go about in your undergarments more often. That's quite a look on you."

"Like what you see do you Sir?"

Howard playfully flexes both arms, showing his muscles, then winces as the pain from his bruised stomach swells. Vince puts his hand on Howard's forearm.

"Steady Strongman. You'll do yourself some permanent damage if you're not careful."

His hand dwells on Howard's arm. He gives it a friendly rub.

"Were you alright this morning Howard, when you woke up I mean?"

Howard slows his pace.

"Sure. What makes you think…?"

His sentence dwindles off. He remembers that he wasn't quite right no.

"It's just I felt a bit guilty is all. Felt like I'd taken advantage of you a little last night."

"Advantage of me? You didn't force me Howard."

"Yeah, I know that. It's just.."

He falters again.

"It's OK Howard. We'll just get you home yeah. We don't need to talk about it now."

"Cheers. Thanks."

They reach the bottom of the hill and stand for a moment behind some outhouses so Howard can get his breathe back.

"You know how you said I was your good-luck charm though Howard."

"Yep."

"Well you're in luck again big fella."

Vince reaches inside the back of his jacket and pulls from the waistband of his trousers the poncho that he'd quickly stuffed down there earlier. He shakes it out and holds it up for Howard to see.

"One size fits all."

Howard glares at him but there's a playfulness in his eyes.

"Do you mean to tell me that you've had that the whole time I've been running around in my jocks?"

Vince's face cracks into a massive smile.

"Sorry Howard. I completely forgot about it until five minutes ago. Still it's nice to get a full airing once in a while isn't it?"

They both laugh.

"If it wasn't for the fact you came and rescued me, and found Tommy's wire, well I'd teach you a damn good lesson Vince Noir."

Still giggling they turn to face each other. Vince helps Howard put the poncho over his head. They stand, Vince's hands still holding on to the front of the garment. He smooths it out across Howard's chest and pauses above his heart.

"Your badge Howard? Please don't tell me Lance took your badge too."

"No Vince. I left it at the jailhouse this morning. I'd have felt funny wearing it to visit Tommy. He's the real sheriff after all."

"I don't think he'd mind Howard. In fact I think you'd make him proud."

Vince fondly strokes Howard's chest again before stepping backwards out of reach. He swallows down a nervous chuckle.

"Do you think me and Tommy would have got on Howard?"

Howard squints quizzically at the younger man before stepping forward and re-closing the gap between them. He takes a hand of Vince's in each of his.

"Firstly Vince I can't imagine a soul in the world not getting on with you…"

Vince drops his gaze to the ground, flattered but embarrassed. Howard lets go of his hand to lift Vince's chin back up again. He smiles tenderly as he notices the blush that's coloured Vince's cheeks. He runs his thumb across one.

"…and secondly Vince yes, I reckon you and Tommy would have got on tremendously. In fact I reckon Tommy's looking down on us now pleased as punch that you've come into my life."

"Do you Howard?"

"I do Vince. I really believe that."

Howard leans down and places his lips onto Vince's. This time it's sweeter and gentler than the one at the top of the hill. It's not a reaction. It's not greedy or hot or aching. It's soft and loving and deeply intense. Howard moves his lips against Vince's, delicately encouraging the younger man to kiss him back.

Vince initially stalls as he had the night before, but the feel of the moustache is more familiar to him now and he quickly parts his lips allowing Howard to taste him. He glides his hands up the side of Howard's neck and runs his fingers through the fine hair that covers his nape. Howard sighs into his mouth and Vince feels his knees weaken. He puts his hands onto Howard's broad shoulders to stable himself, but Howard has already read the situation. Without breaking the kiss he snakes his arms around Vince's back and waist, steadying the younger man and improving the angle. Howard's tongue meets with Vince's, velvety and warm and electrifyingly fervent as it coils around his own. The kiss deepens again as every nugget of desire and lust in Howard bursts directly into his tongue, and although still gentle, he sucks and nudges and pulls and journeys through every part of Vince's mouth. The younger man can barely breathe. It's like the oxygen is being sucked out of him. He's feeling giddy and euphoric, and as he wraps his arms around Howard's neck he fleetingly wonders if this is what it feels like to drown.

They stay like that, kissing and sucking and inhaling each other as if they were the last two men on Earth until, bereft of breath, they part.

Vince wobbles as his lungs suck in a big gulp of air. Howard reaches out to steady him again. He slips his palms under Vince's elbows and Vince grabs him back. Both men are gasping heavily. Howard places a hand on the top of Vince's head in a cherishing gesture. Vince slowly raises his gaze.

"Bloody hell Howard."

Vince's chest is still heavily rising and falling as his lungs fight to take back control.

Howard raises his eyebrows and shakes his head in wonderment.

"You're incredible Vince."

"I'm incredible? My god Howard where did you learn to kiss like that?"

"I wasn't the only one kissing."

"No but…"

Vince looks away.

"Bloody hell."

"You said that already."

Vince loosens his grip on Howard's arms as the strength in his legs returns. He looks up at the sheriff once more.

"I don't know what's happening here Howard."

"Neither do I Vince. It's like you're the missing piece of me."

"I know Howard. I feel it too. Like this has been waiting to happen for a very long time. Like I was always meant to be here, with you."

The two of them pause. They look away from each other, both minds whirling with words they want to say but can't seem to find.

Vince clears his throat.

"So do you still think Tommy is watching us from the great beyond Howard?"

"I do Vince."

"Well we've sure given him a show so far haven't we."

Howard snorts.

"Yeah. He'd have enjoyed that I reckon."

Another silence is eventually broken by Howard.

"Actually Vince mentioning Tommy has reminded me of something important I need to do today. Something I need to do for you."

"What Howard?"

"Oh, you'll see little man. It's kind of a surprise."

"OK, but it best not take too long alright. I'm not very patient with surprises."

"Well get me home then yeah, help find me some new clothes, and then I'll tell you."

"Cool!"

Vince grabs Howard's hand and practically drags him towards the main street and the jailhouse.