Author's Note: Wow! Thanks for making this my most successful story to date! ~lg
oOo
By the next morning, Jennifer had been relocated to the infirmary proper. She'd asked to walk for part of the way and had been granted permission so long as she stayed close to a nurse. Marie brought a pair of slippers, and Jennifer gratefully padded to one of the beds. She still had that drugged feeling and knew the sedatives would take a few more days to leave her system. She could handle a few days of rest.
The infirmary door opened, waking her out of a light doze. Jennifer blinked and pushed up in the bed as Evan came in cradling his right hand. She frowned. He looked awful. His face was pale, his hair stood on end, and he had red splatters on his long-sleeved jersey. Was that paint? Why would Evan have paint on his clothes? It wasn't not like the city needed a fresh coat.
Marie rushed over, and Jennifer watched, grateful to be the observer right then. Even with his pale skin and tired expression, he looked great. Her heart pounded when his blue eyes turned her way, and the ghost of a smile he offered made up her mind. After Marie examined his hand, she'd join him on his side of the infirmary. She waited as Marie led him off to the scanner.
Jennifer lay back and considered her next move. She really should apologize to Evan. Explain. Tell him why she hated the nickname "Jenny." But she couldn't. She'd chickened out when he first called her that name, and she didn't have the heart to stop him. He always looked so different when he called her that. And she liked the younger, almost boyish, expression that came into his eyes.
That expression had faded, she realized as she watched Marie lead him back to his original spot. Instead of boyish sparkles, his eyes held angry shadows. Wow, that's poetic, she thought. Instead of thinking about it, she pushed herself up on her bed and prepared to move as soon as Marie finished wrapping Evan's hand. Her hair had to be a mess, and she knew any makeup she'd worn on the day of the clinic had long-since been washed away. But she didn't care. She got to see the happenings in her infirmary, and she intended to speak to Evan.
Marie obviously knew her intentions and gave her a sideways glance as she walked past. Jennifer leaned forward as the nurse disappeared and pushed back the covers. Her toes curled when her bare feet hit the tile floor, but she ignored it. Evan watched as she approached and shook his head as she hopped up onto the bed beside him. She let out a deep breath and nodded toward his wrapped hand. "What happened?"
"Ah. . . ." He narrowed his eyes, apparently searching for an appropriate answer. "I, ah. . . ."
"Hit the wall?" Jennifer watched the truth cover his face. "How many times?"
"Twice."
"Once wasn't enough?"
He looked across the room, the shadows covering his entire face. "It didn't hurt the first time."
"So you went for a second try?"
"Yeah." He finally glanced at her. "Sorry, Doc."
Jennifer smiled, seeing the emotions flowing through him. She reached out, slipping her fingers into his wrapped, injured hand. "Hey, I'm here. No matter what."
He grinned. "That's my line." He chuckled, though without humor. "You can't have it."
"Well, I'm stealing it for now." Jennifer smiled, nudging him with her shoulder. "I mean it."
Evan nodded. "Yeah." He opened his mouth to speak, but something stopped him. Instead, he stared at her as if assessing her. His gaze moved quickly, though, going from her face to the far wall to the empty beds on the other side of the infirmary. Jennifer waited, knowing he'd speak when he was ready. She was unprepared for his reaction.
A single tear slipped down his cheek. "Back at the planet. . . ." He shook his head. "It was awful. I mean, I've seen a lot, but it was hard for me to even handle it. I still can't. I'm just. . . ." As he spoke, it seemed that the anger and emotion finally escaped. He tightened his grip on her hand and ducked his head. Soon, he cried.
Jennifer covered his hand with her other one, knowing that he'd accept nothing more than a hand to hold. He never sobbed, like she did. He just stared at the floor while the tears flow. She'd never seen this side of Evan. He was always self-assured, unflappable, willing to act. Now, he became an awkward man, unable to hold in the emotions but unwilling to let others see them. Jennifer actually took it as a compliment that he cried in front of her.
She smiled when he finally pulled his hand from hers. She wanted to hug him, to tell him that everything would be okay. But this was Atlantis. She knew better than to promise that life would be good. It wasn't. But it was the life they'd chosen to live, and Jennifer honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
Evan pushed himself to his feet. "Thanks, Doc."
She stood with him, her toes once again curling on the cold tile. "It's no problem, Evan. Really."
He nodded and looked up at her. "Jenn, I. . . ." In that moment, so many things flowed through his eyes. Desire. Shame. And something more precious than she had ever hoped to see. However, it lasted only a moment before he blinked it away. He'd returned to the unflappable major everyone expected. "I appreciate it."
Jennifer watched as he left the infirmary, wondering what had just happened. What had he meant to say? That question echoed in her mind as she walked across the floor and climbed back into her bed. Seeing Evan cry hadn't shaken her. Knowing that he kept something from her had. She thought they were close. Was she reading the situation wrong? Was he not The One?
oOo
Evan dropped into the chair at his computer, hands shaking in anger at himself. He should have told her. He should have been honest. The source of his anger wasn't the children he'd seen back on that planet. She was. He cared more than he should have, and he wanted to let her know. But, somehow, their relationship had become this complicated mess that kept him silent. Plus, with the Replicator and Wraith threat out there, he really didn't need to be distracted right then.
Finally, he opened his computer and began composing an email.
Ellen,
Hey, Sis. Yeah, it's Evan. Yeah, I'm actually writing an email. No, this isn't going to become a normal thing. I don't mean that to sound bad, it's just. . . . Well, you know me. I don't write many letters.
Remember when I was home and you asked if anything had changed? Well, I lied. It had. See, I met someone. Yeah, you read that right. Your almost forty brother finally found a woman he thinks is. . . . Let's just say she takes my breath away and leave it at that, okay?
Anyway, things got real complicated real fast. There were some incidents with other members of the military on base, and she nearly died in the process. I probably shouldn't even tell you that much, but I know the military won't black that out. All I can say is that I sat at her bedside, begging her to wake up. And, in those moments, I figured out that she's. . .what's the term? The One.
So, here's my dilemma. I don't know what to do. I mean, I am older than she is. A lot older. She's about 10 years younger than me. Or more. I'm not really sure. She's one of those genius types that makes it look real easy. I can handle the jokes about robbing the cradle and all the stuff that comes with the age difference. But I have no idea how she thinks. How any woman thinks, really. So help me out here. What should I do? I can't just blurt out the truth about how I feel. Can I? What if she's not ready to hear it? What if. . . .Ah, never mind. I mean, if you don't answer this email, that's fine. But, if you do, it would be greatly appreciated.
So, how are Jared and Chris? They've grown so much since I last saw them. It's hard to believe Jared is already seven. Any chance I'll get new pictures sometimes soon?
Evan
P.S. If you mention this email to anyone, I'll make sure I win the next time I'm home. I'm sure the boys would love to get in on a tickling match against their Mom. And I'm sure they'd love to win, too.
Evan sat back from the computer, smiling. Ellen was very ticklish, and he often resorted to using that tactic when he wanted something. This time, he didn't want his mom to know about Jennifer.
The thought of her caused his smile to fade. He still had cleaning to do. After his second punch into the wall, he calmed and spent the night putting the room to rights. Thankfully, his easel wasn't destroyed, but the painting he'd done last night was. When it landed face down, it smeared the paint together on the floor, creating some dark abstract of swirls that mocked him. Like with any kind of acrylic paint, they hadn't dried immediately. Oh, they dried faster than oils, but not so quickly that his little tantrum hadn't put a blotch of color on Atlantis's tile. He knew, from previous experience, that a rag, water, and patience would get it off the floor. He just didn't know if he had the patience right then.
His finger hesitated over the "Send" button as he read through the email one more time. Did he sound too sappy? Would it matter if he did? Why did he even bother asking Ellen for help? He'd just refused to tell Jennifer about his feelings back there in the infirmary. Granted, it wasn't the right time, but he knew he'd make the same decision the next time. He had to. Right now, Atlantis needed her more than he needed her.
oOo
The email to Ellen went out with the weekly status report to Earth the day after he wrote it. Jenn was released from the infirmary and spent the next two days sleeping. Evan knew the sedatives were only partially responsible for Jenn's exhaustion. She hadn't taken much time to herself since the ordeal on New Athos. And she hadn't been sleeping well since then, either.
Things went sideways on Atlantis before Ellen replied to his email. The core drive of the Replicator ship pinpointed the location of every Replicator ship in the galaxy. In addition, the Replicators took to destroying human worlds in an effort to eliminate the Wraith's food supply. The core drive enabled the Expedition to send out warnings to the villages and planets along the Replicators' path, evacuating them to other worlds until the crisis blew over. Lieutenant Kemp, a fine member of Evan's command, lost his life trying to help one such village escape. With the Atlantis gate unable to get a lock, they had no way of checking on their men until the Daedalus and Apollo arrived with their shiny new weapons.
When those two ships arrived, they set off a whole new set of problems. McKay and the commander of the Apollo, Colonel Ellis, clashed so badly that Carter had to step in. Lorne wished he'd been there to see the confrontation. It had spread through Atlantis like wildfire, leading him to believe that McKay had started the rumor in order to make Ellis look like a jerk. Lorne shook his head as he walked toward the infirmary. Ellis may have been a jerk, but he outranked Evan. That demanded respect.
Jennifer glanced up from her desk, the never-ending paperwork occupying her right then. Lorne watched with dismay. She looked great. The shadows under her eyes had faded, and she'd returned to active duty three days after being released from the infirmary. He wished he could sit and talk with her, but he couldn't. As it was, he'd had to rush just to stop by and see her.
"Hey." He leaned on the door jamb of her office. "You got a minute?"
"Yeah." She pushed back from her desk. "I need to take a minute." Then, she noticed his attire. "You've got a mission."
"Yeah, I do." Evan looked down, his bruised hand taking his focus from her. "Listen, I just wanted to stop by and let you know I'll be off the base for a while. Colonel Sheppard returned, and I'm taking his place on the Apollo as liaison officer."
"I see." She stood in front of him, clasping her hands before her in a nervous habit. "Evan, we need to talk. I know now is not the right time, but it needs to happen soon. Really soon. There's something going on here that I don't understand, and I'm afraid that I've messed up. Really hurt the friendship we had." She sounded like she'd thought long and hard and then rehearsed that little speech.
Unfortunately, he couldn't make her feel better. "I agree." He shook his head. "Ah. . .when I get back, we'll share coffee."
Jennifer smiled suddenly. "I'd like that."
He left her to her paperwork, calling himself every kind of fool. She'd picked up on his hesitation and thought she'd caused the problem. She couldn't have been more wrong. Unfortunately, he couldn't tell her. He hadn't heard back from his sister, and he didn't want to make a mistake. Not with Jenn. She was too special, too important to him. If he made a mistake and lost her, he didn't know how he'd react.
Face it, Evan, he thought as he prepared to beam up to the Apollo. If you don't do something, you'll lose her anyway. As he appeared in front of Colonel Ellis, he ground his teeth together and took the spot next to the Colonel's right hand. "You're a coward," he said under his breath.
As the ship entered hyperspace to face an unimaginable alien threat, Evan Lorne wished he could find the bravery to tell Jennifer Keller that he was head-over-heels in love with her.
~TBC