Chapter 11
"Ugghhh!"
"Push, Ally, push." Padmé brushed a sweat soaked bang from her face, looking up into the strained face of the woman on the birthing table.
Ally, Mira's mother, screamed once before gritting her teeth and bearing down again.
Padmé found herself wishing fervently for Lana. She'd never delivered a baby, though she'd been trained how, and now, facing the prospect, a part of her was terrified that both mother and child would perish. Keeping a tight reign on that fear, she used it to motivate Ally, and offer instruction.
The labor had started shortly after her trip to the infirmary, and she'd been in the process of disrobing her magnificent looking husband when the frantic call had come in. Anakin had been frustrated, but understanding, when she'd been forced to leave. It was a situation out of his control.
That had been ten hours ago.
Now, the infirmary smelled of sweat and blood as Ally's contractions had ripped open the nicely healing scabs and caused them to leak. Padmé had done what she could for the pain, but any significant amount of pain killer had the potential to harm the baby. So she waited and then, inspired, she'd called on Obi-Wan's help.
Stuck in the infirmary himself, Obi-Wan made the perfect candidate to hold Ally's hand since Mira had proved uselessly scatter brained with the idea of a sibling entering the world. The side benefit was that Obi-Wan, under the influence of the "antidote" Cordé had prepared, was able to help Ally control her pain. He was also able to distract her by telling her funny stories about the adventures he and Anakin had been on.
Padmé had listened avidly, charmed by the fond way Obi-Wan spoke of her husband.
Yet, nothing was helping now that Ally's contractions were less than a minute apart. Padmé's back ached, her shoulders were sore and her stomach was growling, making it perfectly clear that she needed to eat.
But she didn't dare.
Not with everything racing towards the baby's birth.
"Something's wrong!" Ally's cry was punctuated by tears and sobbing as her body fought to bear the babe. "Something's wrong! I can feel it!"
Padmé placed her hands on the woman's belly and felt, pushing firmly. The baby had stopped moving. She acted immediately, quickly and efficiently, before she could think twice, doing a caesarean on the woman.
In what felt like hours, but likely took only moments, Padmé had the baby in her grasp. The cord was around its neck, his skin held a bluish tint and he had no pulse. Padmé quickly cut the cord and pulled it from around the baby's neck. What do I do now? The thought echoed in her mind as she fought to remember the basic training from almost fifteen years ago. Training she now needed to save the baby's life.
Breathe.
The word echoed in her mind. She looked to where Ally was sobbing, her body in the process of expelling the rest of the birthing fluids. Padmé squared her shoulders, probed the baby's mouth to remove any blockages or hindrances and then began to breathe into his mouth. Long forgotten exercises that had been drilled into her head came back as she fought to bring the baby back from the brink.
She breathed for him, tested his pulse and then breathed for him again. Come on, come on! Live! I know you want to live!
Time ceased to exist as Padmé focused solely on the baby.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Chest compressions.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
More chest compressions.
Several long and tense minutes passed. Padmé kept her rhythm, the little voice in the back of her brain marking the time as the minutes ticked by without a response. Finally, exhausted and numb, Padmé finally lifted her head and looked at the weeping woman before her. She'd been trying for ten minutes and the baby hadn't responded. If they haven't responded by then, the voice of her teacher echoed ominously in the back of her mind. Then the patient is clinically brain dead.
Her eyes swam with tears. "I'm sorry, Ally. There's nothing I can do."
"No!" Ally's cry was broken. "Give him here, let me hold my Lux!"
Padmé wrapped the baby in the waiting cloth and handed him to his mother. Ally held the baby close, but the limbs were limp, no breath passing through his lips; no heart beating in his chest. She cried brokenly over the body of the babe as Padmé watched, numb to the core.
Ten hours.
Ten hours for heartbreak.
The woman was still bleeding, and Padmé acted on reflex only, moving to stop the bleeding, her brain feeling as numb as her heart. She'd been unable to save the babe. The words and her failure resounded through her, rocking her to the core as her hands systematically sealed the woman's flesh together.
When Padmé took note of her surroundings next she was in her room, didn't remember leaving the infirmary, and standing in the 'fresher, her hands in the sink, staring at them blankly. They were covered in blood and amniotic fluid. She scrubbed them, using some the precious water allocated to her for the purpose, scrubbing them until her hands were almost raw, aching from the harsh treatment.
She'd failed.
Lifting her head, she caught sight of her image in the looking glass; an image she didn't recognize.
"Padmé? Are you alright?"
Tears blurred her vision again at Anakin's soft inquiry. She hadn't heard him come in, hadn't heard his footsteps, but that fact that he was there was enough. Unthinkingly, she turned, stepping directly into his strong embrace, numb to the core.
He stroked her hair, not fully comprehending what was the matter; he'd only come at Obi-Wan's request after his old Master had seen Padmé leave the infirmary in a daze and hadn't been present for the ordeal with Ally. "Padmé?"
His gentle tone cracked the numbness and agony, almost too painful to bear, slid through. Padmé let out a soft, shuddering sob, feeling his arms tighten around her. He held her firmly as, slowly, piece by piece, the numbness slipped away and the terrible weight of her failure buckled her knees. But for his embrace, she would have collapsed as she turned her face and cried brokenly into Anakin's shoulder.
She cried for Ally, for the pain of losing a child.
She cried for the child, who'd not had a chance to live.
And she cried for herself.
For the loss of a battle that struck too close to home. For in Ally's pregnancy her worst fears for her own had been realized. Padmé cried so hard that she cried herself to sleep.
Sleep brought no ease.
Padmé woke the following morning with a heavy heart, a lump in her throat and eyes that felt like sand. She felt awful, as if the loss of the child had been her own. She curled, wrapping her arms about her slightly swollen belly to reassure herself that nothing bad had happened to her own child. That nothing had caused her to lose hers when she'd been unable to save another's.
The bed dipped, a gentle hand coming to rest on her shoulder and brushing her hair from her face. Concerned blue eyes the color of the Nabooian summer skies looked down at her tenderly. She tried to smile and failed.
"Good morning, Angel."
Padmé winced at his nickname, turning her face away so that her hair fell forward to hide sudden tears.
Angel.
An Angel of Death maybe.
Anakin's hands were gentle as he settled onto the bed completely, stretching out his length to curl up next to her. He was warmth when she didn't feel she'd ever be warm again. His hands gently rubbed her back, smoothed her hair and stroked her cheek. Slowly the pain receded and she opened her eyes again. Anakin was looking at her with silent understanding. "You're not, you know."
"I'm not what?"
"An Angel of Death. Obi-Wan tells me you did everything humanly possible to help that little boy."
Padmé squeezed her eyes shut again, the image of those tiny pale, blue lips coming immediately to mind. "Not enough."
His lips brushed a whisper soft kiss over her cheek. "Loss is a natural part of life, Padmé. As a Doctor that shouldn't be a big surprise. We lose Jedi who are beyond help daily with the war the way it is."
"That's different." She looked at him. "Those Jedi choose to put their lives on the line. They choose to be placed in danger to help restore peace to the galaxy. That baby was innocent. He wasn't given the choice; he never had the ability to choose. Where's the fairness in that?"
"There isn't any." Compassion laced Anakin's tone. "That baby deserved to die no more than any youngling in the temple does. But it happens. There will always be circumstances beyond our control - even if we don't like it."
Padmé curled her hands around her abdomen. "What... what if that happens to our twins, Anakin? What if... what if there's a complication and we lose them both?"
"There won't be." He smiled confidently, covering her hands with one of his own. "I have a wife who takes care of herself and knows all the right things to do to prevent complications. She's surrounded, normally anyway, by equally competent friends and one of which who specializes in the neo-natal area. I can't think of any other group who are better qualified to prevent complications like that one - or detect them in time to prevent something like this from occurring."
Padmé inhaled deeply, drawing strength from his assurances. Needing it in the face of her own faltering spirit. "Lana doesn't know yet."
Anakin smile roguishly. "Then we'll have to tell her."
"But-"
He placed a finger against her lips, silencing her protest. "I know it puts what we have at risk, my love, but better to risk the idea of discovery than the health of our children. I don't want to lose you, Padmé and I don't want to lose them either."
She finally rolled onto her back, staring up into his eyes as he looked down at her. Braced on one arm above her, his hair hung down about his face. His tender expression made her heart swell. "You're right, of course. Maybe I shouldn't spend too much time on Naboo."
Anakin chuckled, brushing a strand of hair from her face. "Spend all the time you need; I know you miss your family - even if you can't tell them the truth about us."
"I won't have to," Padmé smiled sadly. "They'll know."
"What do you mean?"
Padmé reached up to slide her hand along his jaw, cradling his face in her palm. "My mother and sister have both had children. They'll know."
His brow knotted. "But-"
Padmé laughed softly, feeling her spirits life with the release. She wasn't beyond her grief over losing the baby yet, but she had started the healing process thanks to him. "I'll do my best to hide it, but if they come out and ask I won't be able to hide the truth. Not about the babies, anyway."
"And me?"
"I made you a promise. I won't break that. If you choose to tell my parents, I will honor that choice and so will they, but I won't be responsible for a decision that could ruin your career."
Anakin leaned down, kissing her gently. "I don't expect you to lie for me or about me, Angel."
"You know we have to."
"That doesn't mean I like putting you in that position."
"I knew what I was getting myself into, Anakin. I didn't enter into this marriage without the knowledge that the people I love, other than you, won't be able to share in our joys. I knew that. I knew that when I first found out about the twins; I knew that when I said yes. Regrets are useless, my love, unless you regret what we have."
"Never." His lips worshiped her slowly, deliberately, drawing a sigh from her. "You?"
A smile curved her lip. "Never."
Anakin mirrored her smile and pulled back. "Good. If I come with you, do you think you'll be able to see Mira and her mother? They've been asking for you this morning."
Padmé's smile died, the sadness seeping back in. Anakin remained where he was, gently stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers, letting her know that she wasn't alone. "I guess I'd better." She swallowed hard. "I'm frightened, Ani."
"Courage is not facing up to your fears, but admitting you have them." He reached for her hand, linking their fingers together. "I'll be right there beside you, love, no matter how disapproving Master Obi-Wan gets."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
There was no doubting him when he sealed the bargain with a kiss.
Padmé entered the medical bay under her own power, her hands folded tightly together in front of her. Anakin had one reassuring hand on her shoulder.
Obi-Wan, still under recovery, looked up at their entry. His gaze went from Padmé to Anakin and he quirked an eyebrow. Anakin minutely shook his head. Padmé barely registered it, looking beyond to where Mira and Ally were still sitting in the same bed. The droids had disposed of the birthing fluids and mess, having readjusted Ally's bed after Padmé's impromptu departure. The droids had done what Padmé herself had been unable to and for that she was grateful.
A small bundle, shrouded by a blanket, lay in Ally's lap.
Padmé moved directly to the woman. Ally's face was pale and drawn; she didn't look like she'd slept a wink. Beside her, Mira was almost as pale, her eyes swollen from weeping. Padmé stopped just beyond the privacy ring, not wanting to intrude. Ally met her gaze first, her eyes swimming with pain. But Padmé could also see acceptance underneath. Ally had been forced to accept the reality that her son wasn't going to live. Ally extended a silent hand to her, beckoning the Doctor closer.
Padmé moved in and Ally grasped her hands, pulling her close before enveloping her in a hug. "Thank you for trying to save my baby."
Eyes flooding with tears at the soft, broken words that held so much emotion, Padmé's response came out choked. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more."
"You did everything humanly possible, Doctor." Ally squeezed her tightly before letting her go. "I thank you for that. Without it, Lux would never have had any chance."
Padmé's throat closed and she pulled Ally close for another hug. Ally pulled Mira in, including the younger woman in the embrace. Padmé didn't say anything, didn't have to, as tears slid down her cheeks. Her shoulders felt wet as Ally and Mira's tears overflowed and soaked her shirt. Clinging together, they vented their grief and the healing truly began.
Author's Note: I feel obligated to mention that this story was written, and completed, long before Lux Bonteri arrived on the scene in TCW; the Lux mentioned here was not inspired in any way, shape or form by the character of a show that hadn't yet been conceived when this story was finished.
That is all - thanks for reading ;)