The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles
This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.
I still don't own any characters
PLEASE READ: This may be the last instalment I do on this fic for awhile unless there is high demand because it seems I only have one faithful reviewer (and I greatly thank Kysic for that! ) So all you people who follow this story and don't review! (I see the hit count; don't think I don't know your reading because no one goes to the tenth chapter without reading it! PLEASE take 5 seconds to review!
Since this could be the last chapter for a while it might just be extra lengthy for you guys. But bear with me!
One lovely day Vincent was asleep peacefully in his room. It wasn't until someone using his blender until he finally woke up. And with a rush of adrenaline I might say because someone was in his house.
"Who could be in my house…and who would want to…? Vincent pondered.
He got up and put on his spiky heartless shaped boots and his cape and the rest of his interesting ensemble before he stepped out into his living room (actually it's the only other room in the house but he has separated his rooms by the difference in floor tiles…and yes he does fortunately have enough money for floor tiles)
"Hey Vince. Hope you don't mind me coming over. I didn't want to wake you." Cloud said to Vincent as he put down the large knife he was using to chop up something or other.
"Cloud…now now now, what have I told you about playing with my knifes. I know your history and we must learn from our mistakes so please lower my knife." Vincent calmly said as he approached Cloud in a cautious manor.
"Heh Vince, I was only going to cut up some strawberries for my 'human blood smoothie' that I was making…but what ever you say." Cloud surrendered as he put the knife back on Vincent's table.
"So what brings you to Spain today Cloud?"
"Well I was thinking we spend a day together…since you know today is your birthday after all…" Cloud drifted off.
"I TOTALLY FORGOT! It IS my birthday isn't it! YAY. What a joyous occasion. I think we should celebrate Cloud." Vincent squeaked.
"Well..Yha that's why I'm here" Cloud mumbled in his emo tone.
"Great I'll be right back, I have to get dressed in something more suitable for mall walking." Vincent exclaimed as he ran back into his room.
"Who said anything about shopping…I sure as hell didn't 'sigh' oh well…I guess I could bear it for Vincent's sake." Cloud mumbled to himself.
Vincent emerged only moments later wearing a sewer ditch green scarf over a black shit with some cream coloured sweat pants.
"There we go! All dolled up for shopping!" Vincent yelled as he grabbed Cloud who was still looking at the rather large knife on the table and dragged them out to Clouds bike.
Once they arrived at the mall Cloud was trying his best to be supportive of Vincent's obsession with name branded clothing. Although he didn't know many he knew a few.
At the entrance of the mall they had walked into the Bay (The Hudson's bay company is Canadian for all you readers out there. They clothing is from many different brands and is quite overpriced and ugly.)
While Vincent was currently preoccupied with some Versace shirts Cloud decided to look around and find some more brand names to add to his knowledge bank.
"Hey Vincent look" Cloud called to him.
Vincent sauntered over to where Cloud was standing in front of a small rack of clothing labelled 'Guess'.
"Are these clothes any good?" Cloud asked still looking and poking at the fabric of a very questionable looking shirt.
"Are you kidding me? Guess is so last year. I bet Guess starts off the sentence: Guess how ugly these clothes are on a scale of one to ten, ten being the ugliest and if you say 10 I'll give you a dollar!" Vincent said as he rolled his eyes.
"Ok then… Well what about this one." Cloud said as he pointed to a French connection shirt that said 'I'd fcuk me'.
"NO WAY! That's so old! If I ever bought a French connection shirt it would have to say I wouldn't fcuk this shirt cause it's so ugly!" Vincent squeaked and made his way out into the rest of the mall because he was getting tired of Clouds lack of fashion sense.
They wandered the mall for a while longer and then Cloud couldn't contain himself any longer. He had to start whining.
"Vincent if I don't get anything to eat soon the darkness is going to engulf my soul and eat away at it until it bleeds and…" He whined very emo like. That is until Vincent cut him off.
"Fine Cloud fine! If it will make you shut up I will do anything! God your worse than a child" Vincent said as he grabbed Clouds arm and dragged him up to an ice cream store.
"Order whatever you want Cloud" Vincent commanded and so Cloud did just that.
"Hi umm I'll have…a chocolate ice cream... " Cloud said and he handed the cashier some gil.
They went and found a table at the food court and Vincent waited for Cloud to finish his ice cream.
Once they were ready to go again and Cloud was a little less cranky they made their way to another strip of stores.
"Cloud, Vincent what a surprise!" An annoying monotone voice said from behind them. They spun around to see Aerith standing there.
"Oh hey, so great to see you!" Vincent squealed as he ran and jumped on Aerith.
"What are you guys doing here?" Aerith asked.
"Well today is my birthday so Cloud decided to come shopping with me, although between you and me…" Vincent leaned in closer to Aerith so Cloud wouldn't hear them.
"I would prefer to be here alone, he's worse than a 5 year old with his whining." Vincent whispered.
Aerith just laughed and gave Cloud a soft smile over to where he was sitting moping on a bench.
Aerith decided to follow them into the next store. It was some random manga store that sold all kinds of things. Once Cloud went in there he didn't seem quite as bored because they had a TV playing some weird kung foo movie on it.
"Look Aerith!" Vincent yelled over to her.
"What is it Vincent?" She asked as Vincent held up a small manga book for her to see.
"It's pokémon! Didn't you ever watch that when you were a kid?" Vincent asked.
"No I've never heard of it"
"What have you been doing with your life Aerith!?" Vincet cried out as he quickly flipped open the book to show to Aerith. He stopped on a strange looking page that had a member from team rocket named James instructing his pokémon named Rosémon to attack an apposing creature.
"See now that's what you call weird! That's why I love this stuff!" Vincent shrieked as he closed the book and set it back onto the shelf.
"Come on Cloud we're leaving." Aerith called over to Cloud. Except she didn't really call because she can't raise her voice at all so she kind of talked softly and hoped he would somehow magically hear her. He pulled himself away from the TV and followed them into the next store.
It happened to be a fashion outlet that contained all of Vincent's favourite designer brand names. Including Versace of course.
Aerith walked over to where one of the Versace lines was being inspected. Vincent ran over soon after and insisted that she try on this one shirt. So because it was Vincent's birthday she decided to play along and went and tried on the shirt.
"I don't know if I like this very much Vincent," She said as she emerged from the changing room.
"Why not? It looks lovely on you" Vincent reasoned.
"I've never been a big fan of Versace before, it's really not all that great looking."
Vincent twitched.
"And it's not worth the money either. This is just a shirt and it's $150. If the company is going to charge that much then they should at least make the clothing half decent looking." Aerith thought out loud. Which was a big mistake, and Cloud knew it. He had rushed over to Aerith and clamped a hand over her mouth before she could say anymore. But it was to late Vincent had already snapped.
"Shut up Hoe!" Vincent cried before he backhanded her and she flew across the room into the ceiling and got stuck there.
"Vincent!" Cloud cried as he ran from the store to comfort his friend who was now very upset.
"Come on Vince! She didn't know it would upset you so much" Cloud reasoned as he finally caught up to Vincent.
"How could anyone insult Versace!!" Vincent sobbed.
"Aww come on man, don't cry. Here umm lets see if I can cheer you up ok so I have a joke!" Cloud smiled.
"Alright…" Vincent said.
"Ok so what do pigs give for valentines day?"
"Versace scarves and chocolates?" Vincent sniffled.
"No, Valenswines!" Cloud yelled.
"Haha Pigs are such sty's."
"You can say that again" Said Cloud who was now very happy he had cheered up Vincent.
They both forgot about Aerith who was dying up in the ceiling but that was unimportant. Vincent decided to take Vincent out for a nice birthday dinner.
"So Vince, where do you want to go?" Yelled Cloud over the roar of his pipe cycle.
"I don't know, you decide…I don't really know this area to well even though I live here I never really leave my house except to go to the mall." Vincent confessed.
"Alright, we'll go to The Mandarin." Said Cloud as they sped up faster down the highway.
They arrived at a very Asian looking building and Cloud parked his pipe cycle in the parking lot.
"Come on Vince, were here. Don't worry this is a really good restaurant. It's a buffet." Said Cloud.
Vincent followed Cloud into the restaurant. They opened the front doors and Vincent saw that they were walking along a little bridge that was only as long as he was tall, up to the main desk. There was a bar on one side of the main hallway and he could see the buffet and all the people in the background. He followed Cloud up closer to the counter.
"WELCOME TO MANDARIN!" Shouted a lady carrying a tray of drinks.
"Thanks" Vincent said and he smiled. Cloud rolled his eyes.
He walked up to the main counter and stood behind Cloud.
"2 Adults please." Cloud said and he paid the lady.
"Ok ok, here are your menus, follow me and welcome to mandarin." She said and they followed her further into the buffet area.
"Welcome to Mandarin!" Shouted another pair of ladies that worked as waitresses to them.
"Thanks…" Vincent said a little quieter than last time.
They kept walking and were almost to where they would be seated when a big guy emerged from one of the rooms.
"WELCOME MANDARIN!" He yelled in a loud voice with a thick Asian accent.
"Ah" Vincent screamed and he jumped a bit.
He just kept walking and hoped these people would go away.
"Okay, here we are, this is your table. My name is Wa-ping and I will be your waiter for tonight. Would you like to place a drink order?" She asked them and then she took out a notepad.
"Welcome to Mandarin" A waitress yelled across to them noticing they weren't in the room the last time she had entered it.
"Uhh yah. Vincent said and he opened a menu. Can I have a tomahtoé juice please."? Vincent asked and he closed his menu.
"He means tomato, and for me I'll have a coke please." Cloud said.
"Oh okay, I'll be with you as soon as possible." And with that Wa-Ping left the room and went into the back somewhere.
Vincent looked around. The room they were sitting in had a sign that said something in Chinese that Vincent recognised to be happy new years. There were Chinese dragons heads hung decoratively on the walls and there were fish tanks separating the rooms. Someone yelling 'welcome to mandarin' snapped Vincent out of his thoughts.
Just then he looked up and he thought he saw an evil Clown standing at the back of the room. He blinked and the clown was gone.
Wa-ping arrived back with their drinks and they drank rather hastily because they were still a bit thirsty from walking around the mall all day.
"So Vincent you want me to show you the food they have here? When you're at a buffet you can just get up from your table and go get whatever you want!" Cloud said rather cheerfully.
"Sure lets go" Vincent said.
They got up and went into the main room with the buffet in it.
"WELCOME TO MANDARIN!" Someone yelled at them from across the room.
"Why do they keep doing that Cloud? I think the same person has welcomed me 2 times already." Vincent said.
"I think the employees here are just mentally unstable, or mabey they have short-term memory loss." Cloud tried to explain.
"OMG They have CHURROS!" Vincent shirked and he ran over to the churros.
"Cloud, did you know that Churros are an official Spaniché delicacy!" Vincent yelled as he shoved a bunch of Churros onto his plate.
"Umm, No Vince I didn't and don't you think you should eat something healthy before eating al that. Churros are just deep fried dough dipped in sugar after all." Cloud reasoned.
"Come on Cloud. It's my birthday, It won't do any harm. AHH!" Vincent suddenly screamed and hid behind Cloud. He whispered in his ear.
"Cloud…did you…did you see that evil Clown over there…?"
"No…" Cloud replied and he raised an eyebrow.
"O…must have been my imagination then, okay good. Anyways where were we!" And Vincent skipped off in the direction of the Sushi bar.
Cloud just stood there wondering about this act of randomness that had just been displayed by his friend. He chose to ignore it and then caught up to Vincent at the Sushi bar.
"Did you ever see that movie Finding Nemo?" Vincent asked Cloud as he was studying the contents on the sushi table.
"Yha why?" Cloud asked.
"Because I really think that all the sushi in the world is made up of Nemo and his little friends." Vincent said.
"But Vince, didn't you see the ending of the movie? They all got back to the ocean safely." Cloud reasoned.
"Yha but I think they got recaptured. This Sushi looks like that baby seahorse that's allergic to water, I think I feel like eating him tonight" And Vince shoved a sushi onto his plate.
Cloud just stared at him like he was insane.
Once they had filled there plates with food they returned back to their table.
"Welcome to Mandarin!" A waiter said as he passed. Vincent just rolled his eyes and kept eating. He took a sip of the complementary water they had there for him. A second later someone refilled it to the top.
"Umm thanks…" Vincent said.
"So Vincent how do you like it here?" Cloud asked.
"It's good. It's kind of over friendly. But the food is great." Vincent answered.
Vincent took another bite of his ice cream that he was currently eating and then went back to talking with Cloud. When he turned back to his food he noticed it was being taken away on a platter.
"Hey I wasn't done yet!" Vincent called after the waitress. But it was to late. His food has been lost to the evil waiters that worked here.
"Welcome Mandarin!" A waiter called and then bowed to Vincent and Cloud before walking back to the kitchen.
"If someone welcomes me again I'm going to set this place on fire!" Vincent half yelled half whispered to Cloud.
Cloud just laughed at him
"Vincent calm down, we wont be living here so just be thankful we will be leaving soon. Although I told them it was your birthday so they will be bringing you cake soon." Cloud said quietly.
"You mean there going to sing and talk to me personally! Why Cloud why!?" Vincent asked.
"Because well I thought it would be fun…and well I don't know." Cloud said quietly.
"Cloud don't get all emo on me now, I'm sure it wont be so b---
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VINCENT HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"
Vincent sat there admiring the nice looking cake they were holding out to him.
"Okay picture time!" They screamed.
"Picture time…" Cloud said out loud right before Vincent pulled him into a hug and the waitress snapped a picture. And quite an interesting one at that.
"Here you go! Would you like us to bring you the check?" Wa-Ping asked as she handed Vincent the Polaroid picture.
"Yes please." Said Cloud
Wa-Ping walked off to get the check as Vincent sat patiently waiting for his new picture to develop. Since he was to Spaniché to afford a camera of any kind he usually didn't have photographs.
"This is awesome! I haven't had my own photograph in forever! I'm going to make a frame out of something I find on the roadside for it and then put it on my wall!" Vincent squealed looking at the picture that was now half developed. Suddenly Vincent dropped the picture.
"What is it Vince?" Cloud asked as he saw the look of horror on his face.
"Cloud its there! The clown! It's in the picture I saw him!" Vincent said.
Cloud picked up the picture and examined it.
"Vince, there is no clown here. I don't know what's going on with you tonight." Cloud said. And he handed Vincent back his precious picture.
"Here you go!" Wa-Ping said as she returned with their check. She was also holding a small tray with 2 fortune cookies on it and some lemon scented warm towels.
"Thanks" Vincent said and he smiled at her.
Vincent opened his lemon towel and started to wipe his face with it making sure it got all the stickiness of the Churros off of his face. Cloud just wiped his hands with his. Once Vincent was done he set his towel back down and picked up his fortune cookie. He flicked out his tongue to lick a bit of the lemony scent off of his cheek to see what it would taste like.
"Eww it tastes like chemicals. Actually maybe it tastes a bit like candy. I can't tell. Oh well." Vincent mumbled. He broke open his fortune cookie and read the fortune inside.
'Your emotional nature is strong and emotional' It read.
"Well this doesn't make much sense, what does your say Cloud?" Vincent asked.
Cloud opened his cookie.
"You will have a run in with some puzzling bohr-rutherford diagrams." Cloud read.
"What kind of fortunes are these!" Vincent yelled.
"Lets just go now" Cloud said as he paid the check.
When they were riding back to Vincent's house Vince t started to complain about how his stomach was hurting.
"Cloud my tummy hurtssss" Vincent whined like a 5-year-old child.
"Ok well I'll take you to the doctors hang on." Cloud said as he turned the bike around.
"Why do you think its hurting Vince?" Cloud asked sounding like the 5 year olds loving mother.
"I think the evil Clown poisoned the Lemon towels." Vincent said.
"It could be because of the 37 Churros you ate in the time span of about 4 minutes." Cloud reasoned.
"Maybe, but I'm really convinced it was the Clown." Vincent said.
When they got into the doctors office Vincent explained to the doctor that he was having bad stomach pains and he thought that an evil clown at a restaurant had put poison in his hot towel to try and kill him off. Once Vincent was done explaining Cloud talked to the doctor and told him the amount of junk Vincent had consumed.
"Vincent come with me please." The doctor asked.
Vincent got up and walked slowly behind the doctor and into his office.
"Hello Vincent I'm doctor Senial. So what seems to be the problem hmm?" He asked.
"My stomach is hurting and I don't know why, remember I already told you."
"Ah yes, I remember. That makes me a very sad panda. I hate it when nice customers have stomach aches." Doctor Senial explained.
"Well I don't like having stomach aches either, so Doctor what do you think is wrong with me?" Vincent asked as the doctor ran some simple tests.
"I think you have cancer."
"But sir, cancer doesn't make your stomach hurt.
"To bad you have cancer. Now leave my office before I have to get physical."
Vincent quickly got up and ran from the office.
"Cloud we are leaving." Vincent said as he ran outside.
"What did he say Vince?" Cloud asked.
"He said he was a 'sad panda' because I had a stomach ache and then he told me I had cancer and when I told him I was certain I didn't he said 'to bad' and then re-told me I had cancer and then he told me to get out before he had to get physical with me…" Vincent trailed off.
'Why is everyone in this country so handicapped!' Cloud thought as he drove Vincent back to his house.
"Do you mind if I come in for a second Vince, I have to use the bathroom before I take off." Cloud said.
"No problem."
Cloud went off to use the bathroom.
"Thanks Vince I'm going to go now." Cloud yelled.
"Vince?" He yelled, as he got no response.
"Out here." Vincent yelled.
Cloud stepped outside and looked up. He saw Vincent sitting on the roof of his house hugging a Jesus light.
"Vincent what are you doing?" Cloud asked.
"I'm taking a moon bath, I need to rid myself from the day's impurities. Cest-a-dire my water pipe is broken so I can't take a regular shower." Vincent explained.
"Cest-a-dire…?" Cloud asked.
"It's a French conjunction word, gosh! get with the program. I'll see you later Cloud, thanks for dinner and everything." Vincent yelled.
"Alright see yah later man…" Cloud said, still puzzled by Vincent's actions but none the less got back on his pipe cycle cleaving Vincent to rid him of impurities in the night.
Alrighty guys thats all! If you wish for me to continue this PLEASE review. As I said about I see the hit counts and you don't come to the 10'th chapter without reading it so review and I'll give you all cookies!
-Generation pope