Chapter 11

An ear-splitting roar tore the morning air apart. At first the citizens of Konoha were too shocked to react, cowering low to the ground and glancing fearfully at the sky. Then the massive, roaring shadow of the dragon swooped past, and all hell broke loose.

The crowds rioted in the streets, running screaming in every direction at once. Some ran into nearby buildings, violently shutting the doors on the arms and hands of those who tried to follow them in. Other flocked hysterically towards the emergency bunkers beneath the Hokage Monument, or pressed in a screaming throng against the gates, which couldn't be opened as the Chuunin were far too busy panicking themselves. More opportunistic locals looted the abandoned homes and businesses, though some merely found themselves repelled by those hiding from the chaos. Some were even killed by explosions from appliances that had been ditched in the general havoc. Driven mad with fear, the Village Hidden in the Leaves was plunged, howling, into anarchy.

"See?" said Lisette triumphantly. "Told you it'd be funny."

"I understand they'd be slightly prejudiced against giant monster attacks," murmured Haku, awestruck. "But isn't this a little over the top?"

"This is terrible!" gasped Sakura, but stayed where she was. They were on the back of a dragon in flight after all. "Kakashi-sensei, shouldn't we do something?"

"Hm?" grunted Kakashi, briefly looking up from his porn. "What was that?" Sakura huffed in displeasure, and shot a look Sasuke's way. He was playing a game of chess with Naruto, which was fairly remarkable in its own right considering all the wind going past. As if the fur on Peterhaussen's back wasn't comfortable enough (and damn was it comfy) Lisette was casually leaning against the blonde man's back as she chatted with Haku, who squatted cross-legged opposite her. Zabuza, on the other hand...

"And then he was all like, 'That's not my wife! That's my husband!'" The Dragon of Wave and the Demon of Mist erupted into raucous, lusty laughter, and Sakura shook her head at their casual depravity.

"You see that big ass building over there?" called Kakashi, finally putting his book away. "The one with 'Hokage' scrawled across the side? Just land on that."

"Got it." Peterhaussen circled a few times before gently coming down to rest, his claws marking but not piercing the walls as the structure in general groaned beneath his weight. "Do you want me to move somewhere I won't scare the natives?"

"Nah, you're cool." said Lisette, casually slapping the horrifying beast on the side before jumping to the ground, closely followed by everyone else. The last thing Sakura saw before they entered the building was the dragon lifting his head, snorting a puff of blue fire into the air and finally laying his head down for a nap.

XXX

"Well," said the Hokage, making a bridge with his fingers and peering over them at them at the assembled morons. "Well, well, well." Even Zabuza was starting to feel like a child that had been brought before the principal.

"To be fair," said Kakashi apologetically. "This isn't the first time this' happened. You can't be that surprised."

Sasuke blinked. "You mean to say that at some point in the past, someone from this village has gone on a C-rank, awakened a centuries old demonic weapon, used it and the king of the biju-"

"Queen," corrected Lisette absently.

"-to destroy a megalomaniacal dictator, then returned with an S-ranked missing-nin and a thought-extinct bloodline expecting to be welcomed with open arms?"

"Go ahead," smirked Kakashi. "Tell them about your first Genin team."

"Hang on," frowned Sarutobi. "What was that about a bloodline?"

Before anyone could stop her, Sakura said, "That's Haku! She's got the Hyouton!" Zabuza and his apprentice both tensed, rightly assuming that he had untoward intentions.

"Naruto says, 'Haku is a Kusakabe; she, and by extension Zabuza, are under my clan's protection'."

"The hell they are!" snarled the Sandaime. "Don't think just because your clan is doing us a favor you can do whatever you like! Kakashi! Arrest them both!"

"I know this is our first meeting and all," murmured Zabuza. "But isn't this a little out of character?"

"Watch." Lisette whispered back.

"I can't do that sir," sighed Kakashi, rubbing the back of his head apologetically.

"And why not?"

"Because we both know that as soon as the clanhead walks through that door you're going to change your mind."

"I will not!" screamed the Hokage, sounding nigh hysterical as he slammed both fists on his desk. Evidently, this was a sore spot for him. "I am Hiruzen Sarutobi, Sandaime Hokage, God of Shinobi, the motherfucking Professor! These two are worth... are worth..." He gave them an evaluating look. "A lot," he decided finally. "And come hell or high water, there is nothing - repeat, NOTHING - that that woman can do about it. So don't you think for one damn minute that that woman can just walk in here and say-"

"Excuse me, I hope I'm not interrupting."

Misao Kusakabe was as beautiful as always, of course. Her perfumed scent danced across the room as she slowly stepped through the door, demurely pulling up alongside her son. Naruto smiled at her tenderly, and Lisette gave a cheerful, "Yo, Superbia!" She smiled at them warmly, and Haku noticed that Zabuza had actually started to drool.

Sarutobi moved so fast, it was like he had teleported from behind his desk to a kneeling position at Misao's feet. "I adore you."

"I know," she giggled, patting him gently on the cheek. She turned to Haku, who straightened up self-consciously. "I thought I sensed some familiar blood." Misao took the younger girl by the chin and gently turned her from side to side. "Why, you're almost the spitting image of myself when I was your age!"

"Hear that?" grinned Lisette. "That's going to be you someday."

Haku blushed, but didn't stutter. "My name is Haku Kusakabe. It's very nice to meet you."

"Misao." said Misao. "Now, is that a Kusakabe Treasure I-"

"Hold on," said Sasuke. "Did you just say Misao? As in the Misao Kusakabe? Wouldn't that make you over a hundred-"

"It's not nice to bring up a lady's age, Uchiha-san." chided Misao. She turned back to her descendant. "So you have a Treasure, Haku?"

"Actually, she's got three." said Lisette.

"Actually, she's got five." said Zabuza, and even Naruto started in shock.

"You have the full Five Kusakabe Treasures!" gasped Misao, and Haku looked down at her feet bashfully. "The strain on your body must be incredible!"

"Strain?" said Zabuza, his face immediately alight with paternal concern. "Haku, are you-"

"What? No, I don't feel strained or anything!" said Haku, surprised and a little pleased by his outburst. "I've had them since I was six, but I've never felt anything like that."

The look of shock on Misao's face slowly faded into a thoughtful one. "I see," she murmured. "Well, isn't that interesting." She turned to the Sandaime, who had yet to move from his position on the floor. "Hiruzen?"

"Yes?" he grunted, his eyes fluttering open. Haku quietly wondered if he'd fallen asleep while they were talking.

"I have a favor to ask."

"Anything." he replied instantly.

"I know you were so looking forward to these two joining your ranks, but I'm afraid my heart is now set on them." She began to trail her fingertips up his neck. "I'm sure there's something I could do to make it up to you."

"No," the poor old man croaked. "Take them. Just take them, as an expression of my... of my..."

"Yes?" said Misao encouragingly.

"Of my love." he said finally.

As his leader was systematically emasculated before his eyes, Kakashi sighed and face palmed.

"You kids should go," chirruped Misao, her fingers not leaving the Hokage's neck. "I still need to hammer out some details here. Go and show our new friends around town."

There was something tragic about the ensuing silence; the group trooping out the door, leaving the spider to her fly.

XXX

As soon as he left the building, Naruto was hit by a silver streak of enthusiasm moving a hundred miles an hour.

"Helloooo Narutoooo!" Tenshin yodeled, before both of them went rolling chaotically across the ground. Their momentum was enough that both of them went crashing into (and through) two market stalls, before rolling to a stop in the middle of the road. If Tenshin's plan was to get them both killed in oncoming traffic, he failed. Anyone who wasn't hiding in their basement was watching the village's entire ANBU force throwing every jutsu they had at the dragon reclining on their boss' office. Peterhaussen seemed totally relaxed, either not noticing or not minding as the hail of elemental death bounced off his hide like tic-tacs.

"'Bout time you guys got back," said Tenshin. He heaved himself upright, but Naruto scowled when he didn't get off. "And Lisette too!" he noted, as the girl in question drew up to them. "It seems we have a dog-pile on our hands."

Naruto's eyes widened, and he began to shake his head wildly.

"Sorry, dude." said Lisette. "I gotta."

She jumped off the wall, for altitude, then dropped elbow first.

XXX

"One Anti-Tsukuyomi no Jutsu, as promised," grunted Tenshin, dropping a rather small scroll in Sasuke's hands. For you among the readers who've forgotten, it was for the bet they'd made back in chapter five. "Now, who wants to join us for ramen!"

Sasuke didn't answer, walking off with his nose in his new jutsu scroll. Sakura mentioned something about meeting up with her family and Kakashi just wasn't there anymore by the time he asked. As it was, only the five of them (Naruto, Lisette, Haku, Zabuza and Tenshin) gathered at the Ichiraku Ramen Bar.

"So you're the new girl," said Tenshin, once everyone had ordered. "Scrawny thing aren't you?"

"I..." Haku looked incredibly pitiful, as if this meant she would no longer be welcome. "I'm sorry sir..."

"Don't call him sir." said Lisette. "It's respect he doesn't deserve."

"How rude," pouted Tenshin. "Who was it that taught you and blondie everything you know? Who?"

"Not you. You spent all your time hitting on Superbia and dragging us off to play pranks on the Hyuuga clan."

"Who is Superbia?" asked Zabuza curiously.

"Naruto says, 'It's mom's codename. It means Pride'."

"Haku?"

"Y-yes?" she stammered, surprised when the white haired man suddenly addressed her.

"I hear you have all five Treasures."

"T-that's right, yes."

"And that includes the Doujigiri Yasutsuna."

"Right."

"May I see it?"

There was a brief flare of light, and a weapon Haku had never had to use appeared in her hands. It was slimmer than the other Treasures, almost like an ordinary sword, except for the septet of orange, plant-like bulbs surrounding the crossguard. Tenshin leaned forward and swept his eyes along its length. "Would you like to hold it?" asked Haku nervously.

"That thing?" said Tenshin, his eyes never leaving the unsettling blade. "Hell no. I don't know how you can bear to touch it, to be perfectly honest." The sword flickered out of existence, and everyone let out a breath they hadn't realized they'd been holding. "Tell me girl, do you know how the Treasures were made?"

"W-what?" babbled Haku, more than a little startled. "I just inherited these from my father-"

"Would you like to know?"

"I would." said Kakashi, suddenly appearing and making everyone jump. He picked a stool as Tenshin rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"I don't know much about how they were originally forged," he admitted slowly. "But I do know how they were given their powers. It's nothing complicated; basically, they take on the attributes of whatever they kill first. The Kogarasumaru Amakuni was used to kill a giant crow demon, for example."

"And the Raikiri killed a Raijin." guessed Haku, and got an approving nod.

"Exactly, which is where they got their speed and lightning powers respectively. However, whilst the legends say that the five shinobi element are represented among five of the blades, this is only three fifths true. The Raikiri is lightning, the Kashagiri is fire and the Kumogiri is wind, but the Kannagiri and Onigiri are a bit different to what it says on the tin."

"The Kannagiri just extends its blade," frowned Haku. "Which I suppose could be... metal manipulation?"

"Right," nodded Tenshin. "Which is where it got its reputation of earth. The Onigiri on the other hand manipulate blood, which eventually became water through word of mouth. That, or the clan just thought the five element thing was sexier. The point is, the last and greatest of the Kusakabe Treasures, the Doujigiri, was used to kill Shutendouji himself."

"One of the three great youkai," nodded Zabuza, surprising a few people. "On the level of the Nine Tailed Demon Fox."

"A word of advice girl," murmured Tenshin, swallowing a mouthful of ramen. "Don't use that thing if you can help it. You'll live longer."

The following silence was somber, as the group processed the information. Haku in particular was worried, feeling as if the Gold and Silver duo wouldn't want her in their clan now that they knew about that god forsaken weapon. She glanced nervously at Naruto-

-but couldn't see him due to the gigantic breasts sticking out over each shoulder. "Naruto-kuuun!" cooed an unfamiliar voice. "You're home at last!"

"Hey!" shouted Lisette, jumping to her feet. "Get your hands off him, bimbo!" The newcomer was tall, voluptuous and very, very beautiful. She had long, bluish-black hair and very pale eyes, without pupils.

"Pfft!" snorted Hinata dismissively. "Noisy midget."

"Don't call me that!"

"Mou, you should ditch that psychotic goth loli and spend time with a real woman."

"I said get the hell away from him, slut!" snarled Lisette. "And I'm not a loli!"

"Really, you seem pretty-" she puffed her chest out haughtily. "-little to me."

For a moment Lisette's eyes shifted between light blue, dark green and angry red so quickly it resembled a roulette wheel, until finally they settled on their natural color. She put one hand to her forehead and made an effort to act superior. "You poor, naive little girl. Obviously, you hadn't heard of Haku."

Hinata frowned. "You mean that girl over there? What about her?"

"Haku is a genuine, blood-born bona fide Kusakabe!" declared Lisette proudly. "Which means Naruto (who was only adopted) is her bride-to-be." Naruto, Haku and Zabuza suddenly started choking on their noodles, and the latter desperately grabbed for a glass of water.

"And you're okay with this why?"

"Naruto and I are a package deal! A threesome is the obvious solution!" Zabuza did a spit-take, drenching everyone sitting near him.

Hinata didn't miss a beat. "Pathetic. I am by far the best choice for threesomes with his wife."

"Uh," said Haku weakly. "Don't I get a say in-"

"Udder woman!"

"Goth loli!"

At some point, each of them had taken up position on one of Naruto's knees, arguing the entire time. Naruto just gave a frustrated sigh, as they were making it very difficult for him to eat.

XXX

"Hi guys!" called Misao cheerfully, running into them as they left the restaurant. "Have fun?"

"Hello there darling," grinned Tenshin libidinously. "Radiant as always."

She ignored him utterly. "So Kakashi, Zabuza, I hear you're the ones I have to thank for my new family member."

The two men looked rather surprised at being singled out. "Ah, well," said Kakashi, rubbing the back of his head bashfully. "It was really a string of random coincidences-"

"Nevertheless," smiled Misao. "I would like to show my gratitude. Now, I believe that your family owns the White Light Chakra Sabre..." She turned to Zabuza. "And you own the Kubikiribocho. Why don't you let me give them an upgrade?"

"...Huh?"

"The Eighth and Ninth Kusakabe Treasures," she smiled. "What do you say!"

It suddenly occurred to Naruto that Peterhaussen was still lying on top of the Hokage residence.

Dammit.