A/N - Bonjour, mes bonbons! I have missed you, my lovely readers.
BIG news! Little Sophia Kathleen arrived on the 25th of August, at 4:24 pm. Eight pounds, ten ounces of unbelievably beautiful. I'm so in love it hurts sometimes. Yep. I'm one proud mama lamb. If you haven't already, go to my profile, I have links for my social networking outlets. You can see pictures and videos. No really, I love to share the cuteness.
Now, back the world of fanfiction and fanfiction related things.
Many, many thanks go out to Sue, my sweet beta fairy and Andrea (also known as GrayMatters) my sweet, red pen wielding wordslayer. They really helped me whip this chapter into shape. I don't think it would be half as good without them. Yeah, no, it wouldn't. Loves to Stef, Mandy and Katie. Your words of encouragement and praise always lift me up. Thank you. x3
We're middle of the road on Nessie. It's very nearly fifty/fifty.
Half of us feel that she completes the Cullen clan and brings a very fairy tale feel to Edward and Bella's happily ever after.
Half of us feel that she's an abomination that was a plot device to tie everything up neatly in a nice little bow.
And half of us feel that 'meh, whatever. Just don't name her Renesmee.'
What? I favored English in school, not Mathematics.
All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephenie Meyer, (I've spelled that incorrectly for the past eleven chapters, please shoot me now.) I'm simply playing around with New Moon.
Last Chapter: Laurent was being chased down by a very angry set of Cullens, Bella learned the ugly truth about why Edward left and we're all praying our two love/hatebirds might just get their stuff together.
"Close enough to start a war,
all that I have is on the floor.
God only knows what we're fighting for,
all that I say, you always say more.
…
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
standing on my own two feet."
Turning Tables; Adele, 21
…
I couldn't tear my eyes away from her face, her eyes. She was being completely honest, even if it made little to no sense to me. I had just explained that my own fear sent me running away from her, that my own selfish reasons tore us into pieces, and she simply understood. In fact, she gave me exactly what I needed - acceptance and love. It didn't feel real. I found myself wondering if vampires really could go insane. Would I come back to consciousness and be back in my dingy attic in South America and once again wish for the blissful peace of death? I decided then and there that, even if this was only a fantastical illusion, I would cherish every second of it.
An all consuming sense of joy filled me, as I recalled her words. She loved me. She had said so. But in the same moment, fear gripped me. I could easily fail somehow and lose her love forever. Everything I had done before had been wrong, and I had no idea how to correct that. The majority of my fears were still valid. Hell, at this moment my family was searching for someone that would have ended her life. Someone from my world. Not only that, they were bringing him back here.
Bella's heavy sigh brought me out of my morbid musings and I realized I had been silent for too long.
"You must think very little of me right now." I murmured, still keeping my eyes on hers. I wouldn't blame her if she thought nothing of me.
She let out a short, sardonic laugh.
"Of course you would think that." She muttered, throwing her head back and keping her eyes skyward. "Edward, for the love of God, please quit trying to read my mind, it's never going to happen. You have no clue what I'm thinking." She leveled me with an open stare which held no animosity. "I'm hurt, yes. I don't know when that will go away. But I don't think you're a monster, I don't think you're the biggest piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure to know, I don't think that my life would be much better without you in it. So maybe...maybe you should stop thinking that too."
I swallowed dryly, still having trouble understanding how she could stand to be in the same room with me after hearing the truth.
"Edward," she scoffed half-heartedly, "you may have lived for over a hundred years, but in some ways, well, in some ways you're still just seventeen. You're dealing with first love, just like any other person in the world. It's scary. Add in the vampire aspect and I'm sure it can be terrifying. It is for me sometimes. Hell, most of the time."
My interest piqued at this.
"How so?" I questioned, my voice cracking slightly from nerves.
Bella laughed quietly as she shook her head.
"How so? Well, let's see. Even before this mess," she motioned between the two of us before expanding the gesture to the house, "I had the constant fear that I could never be enough for you." I opened my mouth to protest, but her glare made me close it with an audible snap. "And yes, you can say whatever you'd like about that, but that's how I felt nonetheless. I worried that if you didn't change me, you'd eventually lose interest. I worried that once you did lose interest, I'd never find anyone else. Because once you've experienced love like this, how are you supposed to settle for anything less? For the first month after you left, I seriously believed my life was over." She laughed once again, but humorlessly. "Maybe that's too dramatic, but I felt completely stagnant. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't breathe. Everyone wanted me to just snap out of it...but there was no snapping out of it. I knew what I had lost, they didn't." I watched as she pulled her knees to her chest and rested her cheek on them, her sad stare pinning me in place.
"We're not all that different, Edward. You're scared that I'll eventually see you as some horrific monster and I'm scared that one day you'll realize how completely ordinary I am. Either way, we're both terrified of being left behind because we don't measure up."
I sat up slowly, mirroring her position from a few feet away. I spent several minutes reacquainting myself with each of her lovely features; she seemed to be doing the same as her eyes passed over my face and body several times.
"How do we make it better?" I finally asked, feeling helpless and hopeless.
She shrugged and twisted her lips.
"I'm not sure. The best idea I have is honesty. We haven't had much of that between us, it seems." I flinched, willing away the bitter taste that suddenly invaded my mouth. Of course Bella noticed. "Neither of us were entirely honest with the other, Edward. I kept a good amount of my insecurities from you, too." I nodded in acceptance and sighed.
"It's going to take a while, isn't it?" I asked in the direction of my knees, too afraid to maintain eye contact while asking such an important question.
"I don't know. Maybe? I guess it all depends on how invested we are. All I know is that I never want to feel like I have the past few months. Never again. I wouldn't survive it."
I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I would never be able to survive something like that again.
"I'll do whatever I have to. I hope you believe me, Bella." I whispered fervently.
"Make me," she challenged solemnly.
I pushed myself up onto my knees crawling closer, an urgency driving me to do something, anything, to let her know how serious I was. I kept my eyes on hers before speaking with every ounce of conviction within my being.
"I will, if you let me. I want nothing more than to show you exactly how much I still love you." Finally, I allowed myself to do what my body had screamed for since I had laid my eyes on her again. Reaching out, I trailed one finger from her temple to the apple of her cheek. Touching her was like glimpsing Heaven. I bowed my head as my hand cupped her sweet face, rejoicing in the fact that she seemed to savor the touch as much as I did. "There is no greater torture than to be this close to you, yet still be so very far away."
Before I overstepped any boundaries, and with great effort, I pulled my hand away and sat back. I would find a way to make things right. I had to.
…
The silence stretched on between us for a long while. What should one say in a situation such as this? I had told her that I would do anything, I had asked her to believe me and she had told me to make her. I would, undoubtedly. I just had to figure out how. Having experienced the hell of this existence without Bella, I couldn't allow my fears to rule me anymore. I couldn't lose her over something that could be fixed. At least, I hoped it was something that could be fixed. I also yearned to touch her again, more than I had ever thought possible. The need to press her against me, wrap myself around her, burned through me. I knew I had to earn that privilege again, but the primal side of me urged me to simply take back what was undoubtedly mine.
Everything felt so jumbled and confusing. Most likely I would have to ask my siblings and parents for help. They all had much more experience in this area. Perhaps I had been blinded before, assuming that since Bella was human, that since I had different circumstances, they couldn't possibly help me. I was beginning to think I had more than one person to make amends with. Bella was, and would always be my primary concern, but my family had always been unfailingly loyal and I had used that against them in this instance.
Yes, I had many amends to make.
"I went into your room yesterday," Bella's whispered words broke me out of my thoughts.
"I know," I murmured in response, my throat suddenly feeling tight. I tried and failed to shake away the memories Esme had thrust upon me last night. Had that been only yesterday?
"I didn't take it so well," she said matter-of-factly. I barked out a hard laugh at her understatement. "I guess you know that too?" Her question was punctuated with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes. I wasn't listening and Esme decided to get my attention. She has a way with recalling details." I rubbed the back of my neck, a little uncomfortable. The images wouldn't stop playing on repeat in my mind, making my stomach pitch and roll. I despised seeing Bella in such distress, even if I was the cause. Especially when I was the cause.
"It was just a shock. I guess seeing proof that your leaving broke you too, well, it was just a little too much."
I nodded in agreement, remembering all too well the visions Alice couldn't block when I had still been with the family. Every flash of Bella's suffering had me clawing at my own eyes, trying to erase the image.
Bella pinned her inquisitive eyes on me,"Will you tell me what happened?" she asked.
I took a deep breath.
We needed honesty.
Much easier said than done.
"It was after I had made the decision to leave. The night I didn't I stay with you, I came home and Alice all but attacked me. For someone so tiny, she packs a powerful punch. She cursed me in every language she knew, all while she continued to pummel me the best she could. I let her. I knew it was nearly as painful for her as it would be for me. She loves you too."
I sighed and looked up, tracing patterns in the ceiling, my confession making me feel like the insufferable ass I was. "After Alice had her say, Emmett grabbed me and threw me outside, telling me to quote, 'Wake the fuck up and go to your girl,' unquote. When he realized I wouldn't back down, he laid into me as well. He actually ended up throwing me through a tree, all the while cursing the day I was born, the day I was reborn. He told me that I never deserved you if I couldn't see what I was doing. That I could at least agree with." I shook my head, suddenly feeling very young and inexperienced. They had both been right, but I refused to listen to them.
"After being read the riot act twice, I decided that I should just scale the house and hide out in my room until it was time to face the music. The only problem was that no matter where I looked inside that room, I saw you. I couldn't even close my eyes and pretend to be somewhere else. So I got angry and started throwing things, but the anger didn't last long. I ended up a crazed mess of sobs, in a room that looked like a tornado had torn through it. I needed to pack up the things I wanted to take with me, but the only thing I could bring myself to take was a picture of us." I pulled at my hair until it was painful and looked back to Bella. "It wasn't my best moment."
Her eyes reflected my own sadness and I knew she most likely had experienced similar things.
"You'll have to clean it up if you intend on staying here," she said quietly, too quietly.
I watched with a growing sense of dread as the eyes I adored bounced everywhere around the room, without once meeting my own.
She didn't believe we would be staying. Or, at least, that I would be staying.
I couldn't blame her.
"It'll be done before the evening is over, I can assure you." I immobilized her with my eyes, urging her to see my sincerity. My chest swelled minutely when a small, but brief, smile graced her lips.
I had made her smile.
After a beat or two of silence, she furrowed her brow and bit down on her thumb. I found myself tilting my head in confusion until her eyes snapped to mine.
"They've been gone a while; do you think everything's okay?" She tried, but failed, to keep the worry out of her voice and once again, the heaviness from before returned and settled into my chest.
"I'm sure that everything and everyone is perfectly fine. Well, perhaps not Laurent, but I can't bring myself to care much about him at the moment." I fought back a snarl that wanted to break free at the mere thought of that slime. "They'll be dragging him back here, most likely kicking and screaming, Bella. I'd imagine everyone would like to get their licks in now, as well. They'll return shortly, no worries."
I had tried to soothe her fears, but as the worry continued to mar her face, I began to wonder if part of her distress was being alone with me.
"I could go look for them, if you wish? I wouldn't want you to worry or feel uncomfortable, Bella," I offered, despite the fact that it made me uncomfortable. I couldn't fathom leaving her.
Her jaw tightened and I could hear her audible swallow. She trained her eyes on the floor as she hugged her knees more tightly to her chest.
"Does it make me an absolutely horrible person for worrying more about you going out there looking for him than worrying about everyone else already doing the same?" she whispered.
I shook my head in the negative, because I didn't think so. I understood exactly what she was saying and would feel the exact same way if the situation were reversed. Even if I didn't have to worry about the fragility of Bella, she would still be my main concern. My main worry. Always.
"How bad is it?" she asked, her voice still small.
I ached to hold her, hearing the tension in her voice.
"I'll know more once he's back here; he kept his thoughts fairly guarded once he realized I was there. Honestly, I don't want to think about Laurent or Victoria, or her plan to eradicate my reason for being," I hedged, hoping that would be enough for her.
"But you heard something." It wasn't a question, so I didn't respond. "Your jaw's all tense and your eyes are tight. The poker face needs a little work, Edward. Have you forgotten that all I've had for the past several months are my memories? I've spent more time than I would like to admit dissecting each of your expressions." Her voice turned a little sharp. "Edward, I understand not wanting to think about it, but don't you think I deserve to know what some psychotic vampire is planning for me? Or do you think I won't be able to handle it?"
A sad, self-deprecating smile crept along my lips and I shook my head.
"Nothing good can come from what I've heard and, if it's what I'm suspecting, it's very bad news for all of us, Bella. I'm fairly certain that Victoria is creating an army of newborns to come after us."
A pained noise escaped the back of her throat before she nodded slowly, murmuring a small thank you.
I simply looked at her in confusion.
How did confirming a vengeful vampire was plotting her demise merit a thank you?
"Telling me that must have been hard for you. It kind of goes against the grain for you, doesn't it?"
I waited with bated breath as she moved closer to me.
"Yeah, you could say that." I buried a smile as she stretched her legs out and one foot rested against my own.
It wasn't much. Nothing really.
But in that moment, it was everything.
…
My back stiffened and my jaw clenched as I heard the commotion coming from the East.
Bella's eyes snapped to mine and widened in understanding.
"They're back?"
I nodded and she began scrambling to her feet. I watched her as my skin prickled at the thought of her being that close to Laurent again.
"I'm not going to be able to convince you to stay in here, am I?" I kept my voice even, knowing her response before I asked and fighting the instinct to beg, plead or trick her into staying away.
"No way in hell, Edward. But I promise to stay right beside you the whole time, okay?"
I had no right to ask for anything more, though I desperately wanted to argue, so I stood and made my way to the door with her following a step behind. I could hear the vile creature's thoughts. He was beseeching forgiveness and understanding. He truly believed he would have been doing Bella a great courtesy, since we had abandoned her and he would be much gentler than Victoria.
Too bad for him that I didn't see it that way.
My reflexive growl startled Bella somewhat, her heartbeat thundering in the quiet space between us. I thought briefly about restraining my rage, to shelter Bella from the full force of what I was feeling in the moment, but the thought was quickly whisked away. I needed to prove myself to her. I needed to show her everything and she had to decide what she could and could not handle.
I could possibly scare her away.
That had been my intention all along.
The mere thought crushed me now.
Honesty. It was all about honesty now. We would make it. I had to believe that.
I grabbed the handle too roughly and it broke away from its confines and crumbled to dust within my fist as the door swung open. Bella's startled gasp echoed inside my head, but my attention could not be torn from the direction I knew they would be emerging.
When my family broke through the trees, dragging a kicking and flailing Laurent with them, my vision tinged a fiery red. Venom surged through my long-forgotten veins and flooded my mouth. The need to tear, shred, rip and decimate was visceral.
Recognizing my fury, Laurent finally gave up his silent pursuits and simply began pleading with us all. Loudly.
"Please! I assure you, I was only trying to keep your little one from such a devastating end. Can you blame me?"
My snarl assured him that I could, indeed, blame him.
"You aren't seeing reason. I was led to believe that the family had tired of your little human pet and left her behind, but Victoria refused to believe it. Her plans for the girl are horrid, I wanted to spare her that torture!"
I remained motionless, following his thrashing against Emmett with only my eyes. I could see that Victoria's plan was indeed what I believed. Newborns. A large number, to take out my mate and my whole family leaving me with nothing in this world. She didn't believe we would leave Bella unguarded. She was wrong, we had, but we were here now and without assistance, there was a good chance we could lose someone in the fray, if her plans came to fruition.
"You've also been sharing secrets, Laurent. How would Irina feel if she knew you were so willing to help someone attack those she considers family?" I fell sinuously into a crouch and spoke with a dangerous cadence in my voice. I felt Bella's body shudder, and yet she moved closer to me. Were her instincts clashing with her subconscious?
Laurent had the decency to look ashamed, though he hardly felt it. His loyalty to Victoria stemmed from the many, many years the trio had spent traveling together and the friendships they had forged. He valued his relationship with Irina, but he couldn't deny help to his friend.
Alice's lithe figure slid into my field of vision, hovering above Laurent with a menacing look etched into her dainty features. "Is this why I can barely make out anything regarding Victoria now? Because you've told her how to evade my visions?" She hardly waited long enough for him to answer in a remorseful affirmative before she left deep claw marks across his face. "I would gladly tear you limb from limb for even considering harm against my sister, but even I know that pleasure belongs solely to my brother." Her hiss reverberated around the clearing in front of our home, and five anger filled sounds of agreement danced among the breeze.
Laurent's eyes flicked in every direction before suddenly landing to my right. I took a threatening step forward, amazed and enraged by his boldness. Filth of his nature should not make eye contact with someone such as Bella.
"Little one? I swear I was only trying to spare you and yours. I swear." Phantom blood boiled through me.
"Don't you dare fucking talk to her! Don't even fucking look at her!" My muscles thrummed, strung entirely too tight, and screamed for me to unleash their power on the savage's disrespectful form. He had threatened my mate, sought to end her, and yet felt he had the right to address her. I longed for his pain, his cries of agony.
A warm hand touched my shoulder softly and reason returned to me a moment too late. I snapped my head in Bella's direction and reflexively bared my teeth. Her eyes widened, but she left her hand where it lay. I swallowed the venom pooling in my back of my throat and mouthed my apology remorsefully, to which she nodded. She kept her eyes trained on mine as she spoke to Laurent.
"Spare us from Victoria's plan. Yes, you've mentioned that. I mean, I get that you thought draining me would be much more civilized and that Edward no longer cared about what may happen to me. Still, I find myself having a hard time sympathizing with the guy who wanted to make me into a meal not more than an hour or two ago." Her hand fell back to her side as she took a step back, effectively shielding herself behind me. I felt a substantial loosening in my shoulders and reached out to squeeze her hand gratefully before I returned my attention to Laurent. Again, she knew what I needed without me having to tell her. She astounded me.
"That being said," her soft voice continued, "I'm in agreement with everyone else. You brought all of this upon yourself. They let you go once before and you betrayed that. Not the smartest move, if you ask me."
Laurent's thoughts became a cacophony of distress, rage and fight. A rumble flew from deep within Jasper's chest, reacting to his conflicting emotions. Laurent knew his end was coming, but he would try to fight. It gave me some satisfaction that he would at least struggle.
"You would betray your friends in Denali? You would betray Irina?" His howls were met with passive stares.
"Unlike you, we would never betray our friends. They have already been told of your treachery and know what your fate will be. Irina has my deepest condolences; however I'm certain she is better off without you." Rage flowed through me and bled into my words. "I'm of the opinion that you don't really love her, or you wouldn't have been able to even contemplate what you were about to do today. You wouldn't be able to even consider tearing someone's other half away from them."
In what would be a blink of a human eye, I stood before him and wrapped my hands around his neck.
Every fiber of my being called out for me to rip him limb from limb and to smile in his face as I did so. The satisfaction this act would bring me would be tremendous. I couldn't deny myself the luxury.
I paused when I heard the only heartbeat in the small clearing beat a furious staccato rhythm, matched by the rapid breaths escaping her lungs.
"Edward," Bella's voice whispered, rough and scratchy. I stopped, not wanting to cause her any further distress. I had done enough already. "Please be careful."
Those words shocked me enough to make me turn and look in her direction. Wrapped in Esme's arms, stood my Bella. Strong, certain and defiant as she stared Laurent down.
I couldn't possibly love her more.
With that thought, I turned back to the task at hand. Laurent would know no mercy.
...
I stood stoically, staring into the fire and absentmindedly rubbing my shoulder where Laurent's teeth had found purchase during the struggle.
I shivered as the memory of Bella's terrified scream reverberated in my mind. I understood her fear. His teeth had came much too close to my neck. Of course, I was faster.
I startled slightly when a warm, small finger wrapped around my own.
"I get it now," she murmured to me.
"Get what?" My voice was rough as I continued to stare into the flames.
"Why you keep waiting for me to run away. Why you're so scared of being with me." Her voice cracked slightly and my spine straightened as my whole body tensed, fearing what she might say next.
"It's absolutely terrifying, what your hands can do," she continued quietly, "but still, I know they'll never hurt me." Her hand slid effortlessly into mine. "Edward, you'd never hurt me without choosing to do so. Purposefully. I know this and I hope that someday you will too." Her tiny hand squeezed my own and she stood next to me silently and watched as the fire roared on. I pondered her words for several moments before I pulled her into my arms and clutched her to my chest. I might be overstepping boundaries, but the need to hold her was too strong to resist.
My family had made their way inside, leaving the two of us to our own devices. I knew Carlisle planned to call the Denali coven once again and give them an update. He also planned on asking for their help.
We would need it.
"What happens now?" She turned her face up to mine, her deep eyes filled with questions and fear.
"We prepare."
She nodded, her gaze dropping to my shoulder as she gently touched the spot where Laurent had bitten.
"Does it hurt?" she wondered aloud.
"It's nothing." Her eyes returned to mine and I knew I didn't need to explain any further. In comparison to what we had endured by my own making, it truly was nothing. We held each other's stare for several moments before she pulled away from our embrace.
"We should, uh...we should go inside." She wrapped her arms around herself and cleared her throat awkwardly. Without the warmth of her in my arms, I felt bereft and cold.
I glanced toward the dwindling flames and nodded.
"I'll be there in a moment."
As she made her way inside, I wondered how long it would take to fix everything I had broken. I wondered if I would even get the chance with our future balancing on such a precarious edge, and I wondered if I would be strong enough to handle whichever outcome would eventually come to pass.
Thunder cracked loudly above my head and the sky opened with a vengeance. As the rain trampled the last of the blaze, I turned and made my way toward the house. I felt spent and my head hung low between my shoulders.
One funeral pyre down. Countless more to go. Victoria would not give up her vendetta and Bella's safety fell entirely on my shoulders.
I could understand how Atlas felt. My entire world was at stake. I would do anything to keep her safe.
Anything but hurt her the way I had before.
It was time to face the music.
I needed to rely on my family. I knew asking for their help was moot, but for once, I would listen. I would let them lead where they could. I would allow them to shoulder some of the burden.
And I would keep Bella by my side through it all. The realization that I had misjudged her was a bitter pill to swallow. I wouldn't make that mistake again.
A new determination settled within me, and as I opened the door to my home, I brought my head up and squared my shoulders. The time to start proving myself was now, and I was eager to begin.
We shall see, dearest Edward. We shall see.
Who thinks it won't be that easy to prove himself?
Who thinks he shouldn't have to?
I kinda like these little arguments.
Shame on the evil author for fanning the flames of fandom fights. Shame.
By the by, if you aren't already reading In Your World; by solostintwilight, go do it now. Amishward will steal your heart and never give it back. http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6811278/1/In_Your_World