You made yourself a bed

At the bottom of the blackest hole

And convinced yourself that it's not the reason

You don't see the sun anymore*

After spending all day talking to Santana, ordering take out food and watching DVDs and basically just finding good enough reasons to not leave the apartment at all, Quinn was still exhausted. She was emotionally exhausted. She just sank onto the couch she called her bed and prayed for her head to shut up and give her one night; just one night without laying awake for hours, without any nightmares, without feeling so damn much. She prayed for a time out, just for one night.

But how could she possibly fall asleep when her head was full of everything all at once. Full of choices to make, full of Rachel, full of her talk with Santana, full of what ifs and just full of Rachel.

She had no idea what to think of their coffee date. Not the slightest. She wanted to see her, wanted to talk to her. She just didn't know what to say. What she could say, what she should say and what she actually WANTED to say. She just didn't know and not knowing killed her and she felt insecure over a freaking coffee date with someone she used to call a friend and it was just that, right? A coffee date.

She thought of things to tell Rachel. She thought of questions to ask because there were just so many and she was always just too damn afraid to ask them.

When she woke with a start and her heart rate going crazy, she tried desperately to calm herself down with her hand clutching at her chest, while still hearing the car's honks and the shattering of glass all around her and the sound of the crash that seemed so far away even though it was right next to her, right into her and it hurt and she couldn't breathe and she needed help but when she opened her mouth she couldn't say a damn word. Her mouth was so dry, which was ridiculous because she felt it filling up with the tears that kept running down her cheek and she needed to breathe and she just couldn't.

When she felt Santana's hand on the hand that was still clutching desperately at her chest – To do what? Tear it open? – she looked at her and silently screamed for her to make it stop and she did after a while. And when she felt Santana's arms around her she felt like a little child all over again. She felt like the little girl she always wanted to be, the girl in her mother's arms, crying her heart out after falling on the pavement or being pushed to the ground by a little boy on the playground. And she still felt the remaining wetness of her tears even though they finally seemed to have stopped.

And after calming down and Santana explaining to her that she had screamed in her sleep and that's what woke her up, she let her lead her to her bedroom and held her throughout the rest of the night because even though this wasn't something they did and she felt extremely weird and out of place, she also knew that she needed it now more than ever and obviously Santana knew too.

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When she woke up, she was alone in bed and the first thing that came to her mind was that she had no idea what time it was and today was the coffee date and she could not be late for that. Looking at the Latina's alarm clock she calmed down seeing as it was only a little after 9am and she still had time to have breakfast and get ready without having to rush.

When she left the room and went to her bag next to her couch, she heard Santana sing softly in the kitchen. She hadn't heard her sing in such a long time and it felt warm and familiar even though the song was anything but happy and she could practically feel the pain radiating from her voice.

"Good morning," she awkwardly said when entering the kitchen.

The brunette spun around and looked at her and now that she saw the bags under her eyes and the fear that they still held, she realized that no matter what had happened, this was in fact still her best friend and it was ironic but she smiled just a little.

"Don't ever do this again," Santana tried to spat but the waver in her voice gave her away and Quinn knew that it was her way of telling her just how afraid she had been and still was, so all she gave as a reply was a silent but sincere "thank you" before standing right next to her and helping her with preparing breakfast.

The silence between them was heavy but not completely uncomfortable and when they sat down across from each other, Santana broke it for a minute. "You really scared me, Q," she pressed out without looking at the blonde and Quinn didn't know why but all of a sudden she felt like she belonged and this felt like home more than Yale ever had.

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When Quinn entered the coffee shop, Rachel was already sat in a booth in the far corner, coffee in front of her. After heading to the counter to get her own one, she slowly made her way over and sat down across from her quietly.

"Hey," she almost whispered because she was so afraid and she felt like falling. But when a soft "hi" is whispered back, she relaxed just a tad, noticing that Rachel was probably just as scared and nervous as she was.

When Quinn still didn't say anything after a few rather awkward moments, Rachel couldn't take it anymore. "So, how have you been?" Oh well, small talk was better than nothing, right? Right? They needed to start somewhere.

"I'm…good. I've been good, I think," the blonde answered. She felt so out of place that it wasn't even funny. This was not what a Fabray did. She never had to have coversations like this. She made mistakes, she was forgiven. That's how things have always worked for her. And now, here she was, looking at the small diva – god, she looked so beautiful – and fidgeting with her hands under the table because she had no idea how to do this. She knew she needed to apologize. She knew she needed to explain herself. But how? How? "What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a lot going on with NYADA and everything. The Winter Show Case is next week and I'm really nervous because I've been invited to perform and usually freshmen don't get an invitation," she said all in one breath and suddenly Quinn felt relaxed because this was Rachel. And she was still the same girl that she knew. Sure, some things have changed but it was still her Rachel.

"You'll be amazing. You know you will be. There's no one like you, Rachel." And that was enough for Rachel to realize that she was still in love with Quinn, just as much as she was back in high school, because this woman, who was smiling at her kindly, always knew what to say. She always knew the right words. And the way she looked at her, reassurance and pride radiating from her – maybe even love? – mad her fall in love all over again. She hated feeling like this.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Everything," the blonde answered without a second of hesitation.

"Why are you here?"

She did not expect such a sudden change of topic. She definitely didn't. What was she supposed to say? Why now already? Couldn't they wait a little? Just a few more minutes of small talk and hearing what she had been up to since she came to New York? She just wasn't ready yet. She didn't know the words…she didn't know them. She didn't know what to say.

"Quinn?"

She sounded so far away and why did she look so concerned? And suddenly she realized that she wasn't breathing normally and it almost made her panic but then she felt Rachel's hand on her cheek and it slowly calmed her down enough to take a deep breath and look at the brunette.

"Quinn, what just happened?"

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice raspy. What to say? What to say? Her mouth was so dry. And Rachel seemed to notice, because she stood up to get her a glass of water without further questioning and placed it in front of her.

"This is one of the reasons I'm here," she started slowly after a gulp of water. She carefully explained the ramifications of her accident.

"I'm so sorry," Rachel choked out after she stopped.

"I told you a dozen times already Rachel, this wasn't your fault. None of it was. I was stupid enough to text and drive."

The brunette slowly nodded and looked at her again. "So what's happening now?"

"I have appointments once a week. So far they only did a general check up, seeing as I cracked another rib when I collapsed in class and it has been worse ever since. They'll be doing stress tests and I'll probably have to carry an inhaler and other than that, I don't know yet. I also have physical therapy once a week because my legs were getting worse again without it." And when the worried look still didn't leave the diva's eyes, she summoned up all her courage and took the brunette's hands in hers and squeezed it a little. "It'll be okay, Rach."

"What about Yale?"

"I'm transferring to New York," she replied a little nervous about the reaction she'll get.

"But it's Yale," the brunette all but screamed at her.

"I got into NYU and Columbia with a double major in drama and journalism and they're both really good colleges. Columbia is Ivy League!"

"But, you wanted this so much."

"I did. I really did. Things just don't always work out the way we want them to, right?" She carefully took back her hands and looked into her empty coffee cup. It was silent for a while until Quinn spoke up again.

"Why did you never visit while I was in the hospital?" It was in the past, she knew that but she had asked herself the same question over and over again and she just couldn't find the answer. She needed to know. She needed to know why she never came even though she had claimed to be in love with her only a few months later.

"I did," she answered and for a moment Quinn thought it was all she was going to get. "I visited when you hadn't woken up yet and I did after you woke up but I didn't go into your room anymore. I tried. I tried so many times but I couldn't. Seeing you like that just hurt too much and the guilt was eating away at me and I just couldn't handle being there but I also couldn't handle not being there at all."

"Why didn't people tell me? I mean, someone must have seen you. I asked about you all the time and I never got an answer," the blonde said, clearly hurt.

"I told them not to. I was afraid you'd want to see me and I knew I would have gone in if you had asked me to but I also knew I wouldn't have been able to take it. Santana screamed at me more than once and Finn…well, we didn't talk much after what happened."

"Why did you end things with Finn instead of just cancelling the wedding?"

"It didn't feel right anymore after the accident. Every time I looked at him it made me think of you," she said shrugging. "And when we became friends after, I realized that it never would have worked out anyway because I couldn't talk to him the way I could talk to you and he would never get me the way you do…he tried to get back together, but I just couldn't. Even though I knew that I would never have a chance with you, I couldn't lie to him either."

"I'm so sorry for running away that day Rachel," she said, the shame evident in her voice.

"So why did you?"

"I was scared. I was just so scared."

"Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't want to be with me?"

"Because it would have been a lie," she answered honestly, locking eyes with the brunette who was speechless for once.

After a few moments, Rachel spoke up again. "What were you so scared of then?"

"Getting hurt," she simply said and looked down at her hands. "I was finally back on track and going to Yale and I was friends with you and I was so scared that it wouldn't work out, that I would screw up and I wouldn't be able to recover anymore. There's only so many times that you can get hit and stand up again."

"And now you're not scared anymore?"

"I'm working on it," the blonde answered quietly. "I have therapy twice a week."

It was almost a whisper but she still heard it.

They had talked for another two hours over another cup of coffee, when they decided to leave the café and head out for a walk. After their walk, Quinn brought the brunette back to her apartment. Before Rachel entered her building though, she turned around once more.

"Quinn, there's something I need to show you. I'm sorry I didn't before. I just didn't know how to bring it up. I got a letter from Shelby last week and she told me to give this to you because she didn't have your address."

Rachel retrieved an envelope from her handbag and the blonde took it from the brunette's hand and slowly opened it. She took out the picture and saw her daughter smiling back at her in Puck's arm. She didn't feel the tears running down her cheeks until she felt Rachel brushing them away.

She felt her mouth going dry and breathing became hard. She need out. This was too much. She looked up at Rachel, who grew more and more concerned, the longer it took for Quinn to say something.

"Quinn?"

"I have to go," she pressed out before turning around and walking away as quickly as possible without actually running. She stopped two blocks later, breathing heavily and with the envelope still clutched in one hand and the picture in the other.

Digging through her purse, she finally found her cell and dialed away, feeling a little better when the person on the other end picked up.

"Dr. Bennett, are you still in your office? It's important."

And when it rains

Will you always find an escape?

Just running away

From all of the ones who love you

From everything*

That's it for now. I hope you liked the update. Review and let me know.

Song used: *Paramore – When it rains

Merry Christmas everyone!