An: I know this one is kinda short but I've been so busy lately, we had State Festival for marching band yesterday (got Superior whoop whoop) So this was all I had time to write, I apologize, and I promise I'll have more time and longer chapters in the future!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Kingdom Hearts.
"Vanitas it's been three months." I snorted, like I didn't know it had been that long, who cares anyway, it's none of their business. "Don't just frown and glare at me, I'm worried about you! You're my twin..." I looked over at Sora, his big blue eyes swimming with worry and pity. I growled and looked away, I was tired of seeing that look, I got that enough when I first got here, I don't want to see it anymore.
"You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine okay?" I bit out.
"They said he's been classified as MIA, they think he's dead, you can't be okay, I know how close you were to him!" Sora was pleading now.
"You think I don't know that? Just, just leave me alone Sora, I'm much better off alone anyway." I scolded my brother, I could feel his eyes bore into my back, I scrunched my eyes shut and stormed off. I opened my eyes when I bumped into someone. I looked up and saw Cloud. "Hey..." I whispered.
"Hey." He responded, his voice was naturally soft, he was looking at me with glowing blue eyes, one of the side effects from the experiments. "You're upset about something." I squirmed under his gaze, I'd never been able to say no to him, I closer to Cloud than my own twin. I felt him grab my arm and drag me away. "Leon, cancel my brother's mission today." He spoke as he walked by the brown haired man, I saw him nod before crossing my name off the clipboard. I felt myself get thrown onto a bed. "Talk." Was all Cloud said. I shook my head, there was nothing to talk about. "I can see you're going to be difficult." His soft voice filled with annoyance. I could tell he was irritated with me. "I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's wrong." I sighed and looked at him.
"Fine. I'm upset because...They think Vincent is dead, it's been three months since he left, I know he promised he'd find out everything, why we were chosen, what really happened to mom and dad, and the long term results of the experiments, but I never expected him to be gone so long." My voice wavered as I spoke, I had never been good when talking about my feelings, it was barely above a whisper when I finished. I could feel Cloud's eyes on me, he looked cold and calculating on the outside, but he was really just a big teddy bear. I saw his face scrunch up as he thought.
"I understand that things may be hard, but Vincent will come back, it's just one of the mandatory things we do when someone has been gone for so long, I know you miss him, and that you want to know the story behind everything that happened to us, we all do, Roxas is the one furthest out of the loop, I still find him wandering the halls at night with a blank expression on his face, but eventually we'll know, and when Vincent comes back things will be okay." Cloud finished, a small smile was on his face as he watched me, I couldn't help but give him a smile in return.
"I guess you're right." I responded after a few moments.
"Have you ever thought about dying your hair back, and wearing contacts to look like you used to?" Cloud asked as I stood up to leave, I looked in the mirror of the room, at my jet black hair and my golden eyes, they were side affects to the experiments, and overdose of one of the chemicals. I used to look just like Sora, we were identical, we were never as close as Roxas and Ventus, but still close, and sure we cuddle and do weird brotherly things, but he's so much more energetic and happy than I ever was, even Roxas was happier than me.
"I don't want to, everything that happened, it's a part of me now, and moving on is part of accepting everything that's happened. The whole thing changed all of us, and even though Roxas doesn't know everything yet, he's changed too, from that one small memory he has of Vexen, it changed something in him, you're a lot calmer than you were before it, Sora is more optimistic about everything, and Ventus, well..." I paused in thought before continuing. "He never gives up, no matter how hard it is. I guess I'm different too, and not just in appearance, I'm a little more timid than before, I'm still afraid of the monthly examinations, and it's been weeks since I even picked up a paintbrush, but I guess I have to accept that I'm not ready to go back to it." My eyes were closed when I finished. "Can I go now, I want to be alone for awhile." I spoke staring longingly at the door.
I heard Cloud sigh from behind me. "You can go." Was all I heard before running out the door.
I sighed contentedly, sitting in Axel's lap while drinking hot chocolate and watching movies, it may only be the beginning of November but it's getting colder at night now, I couldn't believe I'd been here a few months already, it seemed to go by so fast, it was kinda crazy really, they all welcomed me with open arms, for once I felt like I belonged somewhere. In the past few weeks I had remembered the first two years of high school, but it all cut off before junior year started, and it was sudden too, it was confusing, and not even Zexion can bring any memories back, it's all just static, I can feel things, like pain and sorrow, but there's no images to go with them. My eyebrows scrunched up in thought, it bothered me that I couldn't remember, I knew something bad happened to my parents, I know they were killed, but I don't know how, or why, or any of it, because I can't remember, I know that anytime it's brought up Cloud glares and mumbles a name, but I don't know who they are.
"Rox are you okay?" Axel's soft voice invaded my thoughts, and I looked up, his eyes were filled with concern.
"I'm fine, just thinking is all." I responded quietly, leaning into his chest. I smiled softly as I felt his arms tighten around my waist.
"Don't worry too much about things, memories will come in time." I sighed, he could always tell what I was thinking, it was a little creepy sometimes, but I need it most of the time.
"I can't help it. I just can't, it's always on my mind, all of these questions left unanswered, it's just so frustrating." I felt Axel place a kiss on my head.
"I know it's frustrating, but you can't rush through everything, you have to sit back and wait sometimes." I shook my head.
"But I don't want to wait, I've waited for months, I'm not even able to harness the power of light, I have to conquer the darkness inside myself first, but I can't do that till I know everything, two whole years of my life are missing, I know that's better than all eighteen, but still." I broke free from Axel and walked into the kitchen. I could hear his footsteps as he followed me.
"Roxas, those memories aren't anything but painful, and you know it...Sometimes it's better not to remember." I glared at him.
"You think this is better, I feel empty Axel, empty. I don't know how my parents died, and when I think they died I don't even feel anything, I don't feel sad or guilty, nothing. I don't feel happy when I see you or my family, or anyone for that matter, I don't know the reason I'm here, I don't know anything. It's selfish to think that I'm better without knowing what happened in those two years." I saw Axel return my glare.
"Do you think it's any easier seeing you like this, I never know when you're going to snap, I know you wander the halls at night because you can't sleep, and I see the dead look in your eyes. I don't know how to help, but I'm trying as hard as I fucking can to make it easier for you." I growled and looked away.
"It's not like it's easy having everyone constantly ask if you're okay, it makes me feel useless, but only because I am useless. Axel, I'm just a burden on everyone here, it would have been easier if you just left me on the street to figure everything out alone." My gaze had softened, and I could feel tears pricking at my eyes.
"Roxas, don't say that! You're important to all of us!" Axel was pleading with me now. I shook my head.
"Am I actually important to you? I know the only reason you were sent to get me was because Leon and Xemnas need to find out about the whole accident, I know Vexen was part of this group! You can't keep secrets from me, I found things when I was wandering the castle, I found old records and books, I knwo that you planned the experiments, and that my family was watched by all of you, I know that if things went wrong that a team would be dispatched to kill us, and it was your team, you would have killed me, you may still have to, I don't know what your orders are anymore." I glared at Axel again, his body stiffened.
"You aren't supposed to know any of this, Roxas you can't tell your brothers about this, you have to promise me you won't." Axel's hands were twitching now.
"And if I do, you'll kill me right? I knew that the only reason you pretended to get close to me was so I'd be even more heartbroken when you killed me. I know you don't really care, you even said so yourself, being a killer changes you." He stared at me mortified.
"That's not true! I care about you, I really do, those books just fed you lies!" He was in hysterics now.
"They weren't lies, you even admitted it a few moments ago!" My breath was coming out in short pants as I cried. "You don't care, you never did! I'm just a pawn for you to use to get what you want, that's all I've ever been, even before now!" My entire body shook, I couldn't tell what emotion it was from though.
"Is that what you really think? You really think that you're just a pawn? If so then leave! See if I care, I apparently never loved you anyway!" Axel was screaming now.
"Fine, I will leave! I'll find out everything myself, I'll find out who I am, I won't be a pawn for anyone!" I yelled back at him, I could just see masses of color now through my tears. I summoned a portal and ran through it, I didn't know where it would take me but anywhere was better than here.
"Dammit!" Axel yelled, punching the counter. He really left.