Papageno: (Protesting) Hey! Who turned out the lights? Come back here! I'm gonna get creeped out again…
Tamino: Actually Papageno, I might be right there with you this time. After that story, if I so much as hear a woman sneeze, I think I'll totally freak.
Narrator: A trapdoor in the stage suddenly flings open to reveal…
The Three Ladies: Ta-da!
Tamino: (Seizes chest and almost falls over) That… (gasps for air) was uncalled for!
The Three Ladies: (Begin to sing. A roughly -translated-imitation-paraphrase of which is as follows)
Gee, gee, gee! But you two don't look happy to see us! What's the matter?
We, we, we! Came to see if you'd gotten Pamina yet and here we find you in the testing temple!
Death has been ordained for you in this place!
You haven't fallen for Sarastro's lies have you?
Papageno: (Sings too, as this part is all a quintet) Uh… have we, Tamino?
Tamino: (Singing) Shush! This is one of the tricks the priests were talking about! Don't forget your promise not to speak to them! They're women!
Papageno: Yeah, but… They say we're going to die! I don't know about you but that makes me nervous!
Tamino: Would you just SHUSH!
Papageno: (Grumbling to himself) Shush, shush, shush. It's always shush!
The Three Ladies: The Queen has already secretly broken into the temple…
Papageno: The Queen?!
Tamino: Shush!
Papageno: Not that again!
Tamino: Well if you wouldn't keep BREAKING your PROMISE to be QUIET we wouldn't have any trouble right now, would we?
The Three Ladies: But Tamino! Have you forgotten the queen? And we've heard a lot of stories about the supposed character of these so-called priests. None of them were good!
Tamino: (Tilts his nose in the air, folds arms, and remarks offhandedly) A wise man decides for himself and doesn't listen to gossip!
The Three Ladies: They say that those who join the brotherhood go straight to h – to a very nasty, hot place!
Papageno: Eeep! That doesn't sound good! (Seizes Tamino by the sleeve and tugs at him frantically) Tamino, is it true?
Tamino: (With nose still in the air and arms folded) It's nothing but idle chatter made up by swindlers and spread by women!
Papageno: Well, you may know gossip but I know the Queen! If she says so, then, well…
Tamino: Papageno, have you learned anything yet? She's a woman too! Just let me make the decisions for us now and you'll be okay.
The Three Ladies: Gosh, you sure are stubborn!
Tamino: (Silently indicates his lips are sealed)
The Three Ladies: Hmph! And Papageno too!
Papageno: Believe me I want to, but –
Tamino: Shush!
Papageno: (Whispering secretly) I've promised not to speak to women! Nothing personal of course!
Tamino: Shush!
Papageno: I can't help it. I must be a disgrace to the race of men!
Tamino: In more ways than one!
The Ladies: Well, I guess that does it!
All together: Of a strong spirit is the man who thinks before he speaks!
The Three Ladies: (Turn to exit through a temple door and accidentally set off Sarastro's security system)
The Security System Alarm Recording: Alert! Alert! Women intruding on the premises! Alert! Alert! (Bells, sirens and flashing lights accompany the recording)
The Priests: (Charging onto the stage) Quick! We're being invaded by women! Our temple will be profaned!
The Three Ladies: Yikes! (Escape back through the trap-door)
Papageno: I can't take much more of this! (Chews the feathers on his fingertips) I think I'm gonna… faint… (falls over)
The Speaker: (To Tamino) Well done, brave man! Your courage has triumphed. However, there are still many more dangerous tests to come! (Puts the sack back over Tamino's head and leads him off the stage)
The Second Priest: (Sighs and approaches Papageno's prostrate form, muttering to himself) How did I get stuck with this loser? The Speaker always gets the cool initiates! (To Papageno) Hey, what's going on here? (Pokes him with his foot)
Papageno: (From the ground) I've passed out.
The Second Priest: Ah, I see. Well collect yourself and get up! You still have time to be a man if you can help it!
Papageno: (Getting to his feet) Why all this trouble, just for a girl?
Second Priest: If you don't know the answer to that then there is no help for you! (Puts sack over Papageno's head)
Papageno: Gosh, this whole thing is enough to cure one of love forever! By the way, does this mean I can lie now? 'Cause it was the Three Ladies idea in the first place that I shouldn't and now that they're bad and everything…
Second Priest: Just shut up and keep moving!
The First Feminist in Audience: (To her companions) Darn! I've run out of paper! These notes are a beast! Can you lend me some?
Second Feminist: Yeah, sure, my pencil broke and my pen ran out of ink so there's nothing I can do with mine anyway…
Third Feminist: Not to worry! I got the whole thing on my voice recorder!
First and Second Feminist: Cool!
Random Usher: Sorry ma'am, no recording of the production!
The Three Feminists: But!
Random Usher: (Confiscates voice recorder)
The Three Feminists: This opera is SO wrong!