Poker Night (God help us!)

Written by Lord Anubis and Ash's Boomstick

Author's note: This story may not be to Ideal Stargate canon order as a result some of the parts may seem out of continuity, however this is all in fun and if is attached to the story it is based on then the story will be slipped in when and if needed.

Author's Note: Lord Anubis This story takes place outside of the Zeppo Halo universe canon for the moment, if at a later date I can work it into canon I will post a note relaying that information.

Poker Night

Xander stared over at Jack O'Neill; Jack stared back watching the movements of the young Spartan. Beside either their erstwhile partners of Faith and Thor looked nervously towards the other two and back at each other, last of all Cortana and General Hammond merely looked at the combined members of the group wondering who would break first.

"Alright Jack, raise you ten."

"Ha, ten and thirty more."

"Hit me, three cards."

Three cards sped toward the young man each plucked out of the air before they landed on the table, sorting his hand he watched as Jack sorted himself two more. Jack's poker face was a stony as Xander's own, out of the corner of his eye the Spartan could see the reactions of the other members of the poker night watching intently.

"Alright Jack, show them."

"Full House, Aces over tens, heh."

"Sorry Jack, straight Flush."

O'Neill stared at the cards, that damn ace he couldn't get was already in the kid's hand. There was only one thing he could say about that.

"Bastard."

"All fair in love and cards Jack."

"Cheating Bastard."

"You dealt the cards Colonel." Hammond butted in, "There's nothing that Mister Harris could have done to cheat in that game."

"Alright ante up people, next round."

"What's the ante O'Neill?"

"Twenty Bucks, aces are wild."

One hundred and twenty dollars hit the table as the six players on the table placed bids; Cortana's cards placed on a scrabble like holder for her to see the cards her dollar notes in a small stack opposite the cards.

"Alright." The AI said, "Raise the table ten dollars."

"See the ten, Raise twenty." Thor said, "O'Neill?"

"See that, raise another ten."

"I'm in up twenty," Hammond continued finally ending the cycle with Xander.

"Alright up all your bets and raise fifty."

"Rich picking Harris?" O'Neill said.

"Just know what I'm good with Colonel."

"Call your fifty and raise you fifty."

"Called."

The entire table anted up to Jack's bet and beyond, more cash entered the pot as Xander and Jack attempted to ride roughshod over each other. One by one the others began to slowly run out of funds, Thor already badly off with Earth money was close to out while Hammond was already down to his last notes.

Watching the game wind up Thor was surprised to see a long thick tube entering O'Neill's mouth as well as the archaic wooden match that lit its tip.

"O'Neill?"

"Thor?"

"What is that in your mouth?"

"This my Asgard friend is what we call a Cuban cigar."

"A Cigar?"

"A rolling of numerous fine tobacco leaves coiled and sealed, once set alight the smoke is inhaled into the lungs."

"And this is pleasurable?"

"Once you get used to it."

"It's also a disgusting and addictive substance that contains a number of harmful carcinogens." Cortana piped up, "Plus the type of cigar that the Colonel has there is highly illegal."

"So what is the pleasure of this object?"

"None that I know of." Xander said "but others may disagree."

"Cubans are wicked shit." Faith disagreed, "Damn good stuff."

"You want to try one Thor?" O'Neill offered.

"Colonel!" Hammond said.

"He'll be fine General; it's only the one cigar."

"It's your choice Thor."

"Then I shall try this cigar."

Cutting the end off of one of the cigars Jack set up another of his valued Cubans for his friend, the lit cigar was passed to the small grey alien. Jack inhaled his own Cuban showing Thor how to smoke it, taking a large lungful he puffed out a series of smoke rings showing off to the rest of the table.

Taking his cue from the Tau'ri human Thor inhaled the smoke deeply into his lungs. Followed by the immediate reproduction of said smoke rings.

"How the hell?" Faith said in surprise.

"Yes this is rather pleasant."

"How the Hell?"

"You said that already Faith." Cortana said. "Although I am surprised that Asgard Anatomy is so predisposed to tobacco smoke, we believed you would be choking and coughing Commander."

"On the contrary Cortana this is quite a pleasant experience. It is unlike anything available to the Asgard on Othalla, General Hammond If possible I wish to make some form of trade for some of these 'Cubans' I believe the Asgard Race will benefit from them."

"Umm, I will see what I can do Thor."

"Guys back to the game?" Xander asked.

"Of course, my apologies." The small Asgard replied.

"Fifty."

"Raise Fifty.

"Raise Hundred"

"Raise Hundred"

"Call."

"Raise sixty." Cortana said.

"I'll call on that."

As the game continued the pots changed hands with regularity no one person leaving the game, the hours passed as the biggest pot began to take shape. No one would leave the match convinced that they would be the winner.

"Where the hell's the Pizza?" Faith Asked.

"We are several dozen floors below the surface Faith, have patience."

"We could have had it in minutes if the grey one here had allowed us to use his beaming thing."

Thor sat in his high chair puffing away at the second of his Cuban cigars when Faith spoke, he pulled the cigar from his mouth and responded saying that the use of the Transporters was not for frivolous use. Something that Faith shot back with her own opinion about Thor's use of the transporter.

"Just calm down Faith." Xander pulled her back into her chair, "It'll be here soon enough."

"Damned grey Alien….." she grumbled as she sat down in her chair.

"Ok, who's got the drinks?"

"In the cupboard." Jack Said.

"In the cupboard?" Xander asked, "Damn all we need warm coke and beer."

As the cupboard door opened a second one attached to the back opened with it, inside was a small but well stocked mini fridge taking up the majority of the space, closing the door Xander looked back.

"Fell for that one huh?" He said opening it again and passing the adults beer and taking a few cans of coke for himself and Faith, he paused realising he didn't know what to give the small Asgard. There was no bottled water and really wasn't sure whether to give the alien beer or not.

Deciding against it he picked up a third coke and carried them to the table, one to Faith, one to him and one to Faith the third he opened and placed in front of the little guy.

"Sorry Thor, no water or anything."

"That is quite alright Mr Harris, this beverage will do. What is it called?"

"This is Coke Thor." Xander replied, "A sugar and caffeine heavy carbonated drink, I'm not sure what effect it will have on Asgard biology though."

"I doubt it will cause me much harm."

Six minutes later.

"Are his eyelids supposed to be doing that?" Faith asked Jack.

"I've never seen him like that, how much of that can did he have?"

"About a third."

"A third?"

"Yeah now he's twitching like crazy."

"So that's Cigars yes, Coke No."

Twenty minutes later

"Thor buddy are you alright."

"I'mfineO'Neillshallwecontinuewiththegame?"

"Whoa slow down little guy."

"I'masslowasicanbeunderthecircumstances."

"It's alright Jack, he's just saying he'll be okay and we should continue with the game."

"You understood that?"

"Interesting childhood."

"Alright let's get this on the road."

"Whose call is it?" Asked Faith

"Cortana's." Jack said picking up his own cards. "Hey who ate all the Sausage Pizza?"

"Same place the cheese and Pepperoni ones went." Cortana said.

"Harris, that was my Pizza."

"You snooze you lose jack."

"How the hell the two of you can eat so many of those damn things I don't know, leave the rest of us the Hawaiian."

"Alright alright, raise twenty."

"Ten." Came from Faith.

"See and raise… Crap."

"What's wrong Cortana/" Xander Said.

"I'm out of money."

"Sorry can't help you there."

"Anyone?" She said meekly, no one spoke up. "Right in that case I'll put in what I can, specs for the Covenant plasma rifle."

The entire group looked up at the AI in shock, even Thor had seemed to calm down at the very thought that he could get hold of the technology that was apparently inside Cortana's very matrix. Each blinked almost in unison until Xander almost exploded at her offer.

"Are you crazy? You can't give Covvie tech to this planet; they aren't nearly ready of this."

"I have nothing else left to offer."

"But the forerunner and covvie info?"

"It's a good collateral."

"I'll split my money with you keep you in the game."

"Not so fast Harris." Jack said, "If the lady wants to share her technology then we should let her, I'll see the bet and raise you a full combat team for your hunting."

"Colonel O'Neill." Hammond boomed, "You do not have that authority."

"I do if its SG1 sir, I'm offering SG1 for one week every two month to help out in Sunnydale."

Hammond sighed, "I'll see that and raise you a rotating combat team from one of the offworld sites."

Faith nodded and put in her own money as had everyone else, "One week in every six weeks training under Jack and working with the teams off world."

Xander couldn't believe what was happening, he looked at them and threw his money in. "Full access to the MJOLNIR's shielding systems."

"I wager a full refit of your Prometheus vessel's weapons and propulsion to Asgard norms."

Time and again the bets were raised by all sides, information, technology, equipment and resources were bounded about on the table as the pot grew to enormous proportions.

"Rapid ship construction equipment."

"DNA resquencing."

"Armour generation techniques."

"Combat Training."

"North Alaska."

"COLONEL O'NEILL."

"Sorry Sir."

"Asgard ground defence cannons."

"Covenant Ship weapons."

"UNSC combat techniques."

"An full number of unfilled SG Team positions."

"An O'Neill class Battleship."

The room settled into silence with the exception of a coughing Jack O'Neill who had begun coughing up his beer, the little Grey alien sat totally serene staring at the assembled throng his eyelids still shuttering from the coke he had been drinking he had obviously taken another drink and was suffering from the after effects

"An O'Neill?" Xander asked, "That is?"

"An O'Neill is the largest and most powerful warship in the three known galaxies Mr Harris." Hammond answered, "Even Anubis' ships fear them in combat, one O'Neill accompanied by our ships could easily defend this planet for the foreseeable future."

"And he's just put one in the Pot and called all our bets?"

"Yes he has."

"Anyone have anything else to add?" Jack asked.

None of the players said anything; the pot was as high as any of them could possibly dream of. Technologies, land, money, even ships were now at their disposal with each of the players still in the game itself.

"Alright dealer shows hand." Hammond Said. "Full house, Sevens and Sixes."

"Sorry old man." Faith Said. "Four of a Kind, fives."

Cortana, "Damn it, Full house eights and jacks."

Xander, "Sorry Guys, Straight Flush Jack to seven."

"Than I am sorry Xander Harris, this is a straight flush, Kings to Nine."

"Shit."

"I believe that the pot is mine."

"Sorry Thor old buddy I think mine is higher."

Jack O'Neill dropped his cards, one ace, then two, three and four. Four aces and a final card. He dropped the card, it was a three.

A wild card.

Five of a Kind: Aces

"Son of a BITCH." Screamed Xander. "Cheating bastard."

The room erupted as the deck was checked for markings or any form of tampering, none was found and they all realised that they were indebted to Jack O'Neill one and all and what was more he knew about it.

"This should be fun." Jack Said, "Another game people? Just for fun this time."

"I want my armour back when your done with it Jack." Xander Said, "No letting the NID getting their hands on it."

"Shouldn't need to, although I'm going to waive the assassinate Kinsey offer from the pile thanks."

"I'll do that anyway if I get the chance." Xander Said.

"Hmm, tell you what anyone who gets a better hand than me gets their money back but nothing else and trust me I'll remember everything that was in the pot."

The cards were dealt to the six players by Jack, no bets were put forward but the feeling was one of defeat even if they won the money back from the Air force officer, even Thor looked down his third cigar left to burn in its ashtray.

"I need to contact one of our ships to come and retrieve me, thank you for the game O'Neill."

"There's no need to leave yet little buddy."

"I have nothing else left to play for and I do need to find a way home, thank you all."

With a slight bow the small Asgard lurched through the door cigar in one hand and coke in the other, his slightly off kilter appearance a surprise to the members of the SGC that passed him.

"Is it me or did he look like he was gonna chuck up?" Faith Asked.

"Yeah, hope he'll be alright."

"All right so, show your hands." Jack said.

Next Morning

10am

"How did so much of that stuff come out of such a small guy?" Xander asked rhetorically.

"Dunno but it was a hell of a mess." Faith responded.

"Morning Jack." Xander watched the insufferably smug O'Neill lead a surprised looking SG1 into the Mess hall, "I assume you've told them all about your windfall last night?"

"Yep, and after only paying back you and Hammond the money I promised, I came out very well off and with a lot of IOUs in my pocket. Now we have all kinds of fun stuff to go through, I had to drag Carter out for breakfast before she started to pick apart the info we got from Cortana."

"Nice, I kinda felt bad for Thor though that was his ship he lost and they need all they can get."

"Yeah I know, but after we're through with it and the stuff from Cortana and the Covenant info it should be able to kick so much ass that it'll make up for losing one ship. Which reminds me, this came in this morning from a Tok'ra operative, apparently Thor needed to blow off some steam."

Jack handed a file over to the young Spartan who perused the typed pages inside, he looked up at Jack who nodded and passed it to Faith. Not quite understanding she asked the first question on her mind.

"Who was Ba'al?"